Re-Building Trust With People After Hidden Addiction?

[BoyInTheCountry]

SWIM recently broke up with his girlfriend of 2 and half years although they had been inseperable for the last 3 and half years of their lives. They stayed close friends for the first month after their break-up although it was tearing SWIM up so much inside as he still loved her so so so very much, and still does.

However for a reason unknown even to SWIM he had been using various drugs, cocaine, mdma, speed and some others on a daily basis for the past year or so while going out with this girl. No one knew about this, NO ONE. One night when particularly upset about the whole situation he told her about it all, understandebly she was extremely extremely upset, felt betrayed, hated SWIM. She then said she never wanted to talk to SWIM again.

She approached SWIM week later and said thay how ever hard she tryed she couldnt hate me and hated not talking to SWIM. Its been 2 weeks since then and she and SWIM have been taking things slowly and went out for dinner last night and just talked for ages about random stuff. SWIM and her have been getting on really well but she says that she cant trust him ever again and doesnt want him to think SWIM will ever have a second chance.

SWIM doesnt know how to feel though, she says this but if she ever has a problem she will ring SWIM over other friends and she still tells SWIM things that she wouldnt tell other people and often tells SWIM that she misses him. SWIM still loves her very very much.

SWIM hasnt taken drugs since the day he told her. SWIM is not sure what to do really?...

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Excellent discussion topic. One of the most difficult aspects of recovery.
	Great thread topic and discussion. This concept is crucial for someone that has an addiction and is in recovery

[missparkles]

Sparkles would give it time.
Yeah his ex gf is hurt now, but if she really loves SWIY she'll get over it. She wouldn't be interested in him now, use him as a trusted friend, if she didn't care. The fact that he fessed up to her, should say so much to her about how much he cares for her. He can't change what he's done, he can only make sure he doesn't make the same mistakes again.
Sparkles would just suggest that if there were any specific reasons he needed drugs to cope, deal with it NOW. If it's not dealt with, it could come back to haunt him. He needs to care for himself first, above everyone else.
Then if he does find someone to truly love him (which he seems to have done already) it will enhance his life, not be his sole means to feel good about himself.
Hope this helps in some way, it will get better, give it time.
Sparkles.

[lewk]

Horrible situation. One that unfortunately i'm somewhat familiar with.

There's two ways you could go -

Honest - If SWIY loves this girl and really does want to be with her, it shouldn't be hard to quit the drugs. She should provide SWIY with enough enjoyment and life-lessons.

Dishonest - Continue with SWIYs drug habit and lose this girl, and with that.. lose a lot more than SWIY thinks.

That's my opinion anyway.

This girl obviously still does feel for SWIY, for her to take SWIY back after such a big thing.

It's one of those classic DRUGS or GIRL scenarios.. unless she has been known to jump on the drug-wagon from time to time.. then it's a different story.

Over time things will get back to normal and seem like it never happened, unless of course you don't keep your end of the deal. You'll just have to find some ways to keep proving it to her that you're in for the long haul

Goodluck with it all man, let us know how things go

Reputation Comments on this post:

Great advice!

[BoyInTheCountry]

Thanks for the advice guys SWIM has always liked the feedback of people here, always seems much more insightful and wise. SWIMS feels he should spell out that they didnt split up over anything drug related just a stupid general misunderstanding. She hs never touched drugs herself and has a very very firm stance against them, this is why SWIM ended up hiding it and it became a daily thing rather taking them with people on special occasions and nights out as SWIM would have not been allowed....well so SWIM thinks anyway.

While there is still a chance though SWIM definitly plans on being honest about not taking drugs. Cravings have been at a real minimum and obviously not a set of drugs that withdrawls are common with so none of them. Clean for a whole month now this week.

SWIM is not holding his breath for being given a second chance, but can only hope.

Thanks for anymore advice anyway.

[missparkles]

Sparkles would say if a chance comes along for a drug free life and happiness with some one you love...grab it with both hands. Nurture it, care for it and treat it like it's the most precious thing in the world...cos you know what...it damn well is. Sparkles hopes SWIY gets a second chance with this lady.
If he does...enjoy.
Sparkles.

[Graduisic]

Recovering from such an addiction is so difficult, it is starting a new life.

While one is building this new foundation of life, make a cornerstone of this new life a committment to rigorous honesty. Not for anyone else, but yourself. Clean up your side of the street before worrying about anyone else's.

[BoyInTheCountry]

Yes recovering from this is very difficult, not the risk of drug relapse or anything, SWIM says going without drugs has been easy. The emotional and social aspect of this though SWIM is finding well and truely horrible! SWIM is slowly but surely cleaning his side of the street.

SWIM does ask though what do you mean by this cornerstone (obviously SWIM understands the metaphor) but do you mean as in a person to rely on, this girl, someone new, a personal goal?

Thanks for the reply!

[missparkles]

Originally Posted by BoyInTheCountry

SWIM does ask though what do you mean by this cornerstone (obviously SWIM understands the metaphor) but do you mean as in a person to rely on, this girl, someone new, a personal goal?

Thanks for the reply!

No, the OP meant it's important to build recovery on a solid foundation. It's gotta be his personal goal, to get and stay clean for him...no one else. A foundation built of honesty with himself, acceptance of his own problem, and self awareness that only he can get clean and stay clean...for him.
SWIY can't base their recovery on someone else, allow them to determine how they're gonna feel. He needs to sort himself out first and foremost. Only when he can take care of his own life and emotional well being, can he allow someone, such as a partner, to enhance his life.
Just stay clean, show this lady he means it and then leave it to her.
Take care.
Sparkles.

[BoyInTheCountry]

Ah that makes perfect sense SWIM would like to thank you all very much for you advice he really has found it invaluable!

[BoyInTheCountry]

So things seem to be getting better for SWIM, is head is in a much better place now, thoughts are straight and he can think things through rationally. So she went round SWIM's house yesterday she said she couldnt resist his signature lunch time dish which he made for her. Despite a little teary moment when she first came round we ended up just lying on the sofa together watching TV, this led to us just lying there hugging for age, like really closely cuddling like we hadnt seen each other for ages, this also then led onto a kiss. They talked a little and the outcome was that they still should still leave it a while before they consider getting back together, but this was the first time she has even considered it! SWIM then walked with her back to her house (about 45 minutes away) they talked non-stop just about everything and anything and had a really enjoyable conversation! Things seems to be on the mend, she still keeps saying though she wants to be single for a while and doesnt want SWIM to just be waiting for her. Shall SWIM just keep on doing as he is at the moment? They are going out again for a little day-trip on Sunday.

[VolumeHIGH]

this brought back memorries.... =(. iswim had the same g/f sence like 10th grade of high school. swim used to get nagged at for smoking weed and used to be questioned about sniffing blow and always going out and not spending time w/ her instead... etc. one day swim got so high and went to his g/f home t stay the night, he ended up telling the truth, till this day (3+ years) she still dosent talk to swim. the feeling sucks ass bro. i know how u feel as for her re trusting you. well if she dose maybe u can show me the waycos mine is still not talking to me or trusting me.... good luck br

[missparkles]

What should you do?
Get on with your life, let her decide what she wants. Don't invest all your emotions in this relationship, keep some for you. Don't be clingy or pushy, that comes across as desperate.
Ever had a friend who will do anything to please you, say anything just to get your approval...yeah it's uncomfortable ain't it?
Don't be like that with this lady. Maybe she needs time to get her head straight, to determine if she can trust SWIY, give it to her. But don't just wait around, hoping it will be ok, get your life back.
Have some fun, do stuff with mates.
Usually people will cut off mates when they get in a serious relationship, then when they split with their bf/gf they have no one else to get positive vibes from, they gave all their time to their SO.
See where Sparkles is going with this?
Glad it's all working out though, she sounds like an awesome lady.
Take care.
Sparkles.


VolumeHigh...Sparkles was sorry to hear about your GF, yeah it can hurt for a hell of a long time when someone we love no longer cares, but give it time. She will talk to SWIY, a lifetime is a helluva long time, people mellow with age. Just use the experience to make sure he never makes the same mistake again. That what life's knocks are for, they teach us.
Hope you feel better soon, regardless of how long it's been.

[VolumeHIGH]

hopefully his baby steps lead to larger steps. swim doubts his ex g/f well ever talk to him again. 5 year relationship out the window, sept 14 would had been his and hers 8th year relationship. its been years sence they've spoke or seen each toher and some say he should move on. i thinm swim has moved on, just still misses those times....

[BoyInTheCountry]

This is the first time SWIM has found somebody in the same position! Its actually quite nice to know SWIMs not the only one is such a stupidly complicated situation. SWIM doesnt know with the re-trusting thing, not much advice SWIM can give especially since its been 3 years with SWIY, SWIM and her never stopped talking, well not for more than a couple days. Obviously he knows what your going though/been through and it sucks! SWIM and her are justtaking babysteps in the right direction he would like to think. By no means does anything look certain though.