Mal should be going to rehab in the next week or so...

[malsat]

...and is feeling good about it.

Had a 'preparation' meeting today (prep for going into 5 week residential stay next week or the week after) with a sex addict and a food addict. The group dynamic was great, such openness - intimacy with strangers - and no judgement. Amazing how liberating it is just to sit and talk with people and know that you're not alone in this struggle, to know that your problems are not so unique and insurmountable. Also strange that such intense anxiety, as felt today at the meeting, can transform into a kind of adrenaline-rush high and leave one feeling so elated.

While not keen on the ideals of the 12 step program, I'm hoping that the experience will allow Mal to finally learn to be around people without needing a fix to find it bearable. Also, importantly, not having access to his favourite things should at least allow Mal to break away from the habitual aspect of his problem. Another thing that will be good is simply having the time (and freedom from distraction) to take an introspective approach, get to know his own mind and gain some insight on who he is, because over these last 4 years he got so very lost and just became a person he didn't know and really didn't want to know.

The downside is that he will be separated from his music - one of the only two things in his life that can take him as high as any chemical kick. He'll miss his friends and he'll miss this community that he's growing to love so much. At least he'll still be able to go jogging around the gardens!

However I wish we lived in an alternate reality where psychedelics remained as a tool for legitimate psychological treatment, and Mal could spend a sunny afternoon once a week during his stay sitting in the garden with some ambient music or just his thoughts and feel himself as deeply connected to the Earth and all that is and bask in the peace of the mushroom....

[missparkles]

The fear of quitting can be overwhelming can't it? But the reality, once you get to rehab, talk to others who have the same issues as you, can provide a feeling of contentment. Almost relief. No, you're not alone, but addiction will fool you into believing you are. Remember, what you learn there could save your life, don't dismiss anything, even AA/NA can provide urgently needed support, you don't have to follow the whole programme.
Sparkles wishes Malsat well and hopes he gets as much from the experience as she did. She'll miss him too, but looks forward to hearing all about it when he gets back. His experiences might help someone else feel less fearful of the process.
Rock on love.
Sparkles.

[Dickon]

I've documented cat's rehab experience elsewhere, but it was overall very positive. There is something really liberating about finding out you are not alone with your addiction.

By all means be apprehensive about the 12 steps, but I'd suggest embracing them for a while at any rate if that's the methodology employed by the rehab you're going to. You'll probably here the phrase "fake it to make it", and there's some of that involved but I also think you'll get no real idea if it's for you unless you throw yourself in. Speaking as someone who has thrown themselves into a twelve step programme, and who knows takes a somewhat different path, I can say it did me no harm even if at this moment in time I am not "working a (12 step) programme" and am remaining abstinent without, for the most part, too much drama.

You do not have to forego mushrooms forever as the twelve-steppers claim, although it might be a good idea to give abstinence a go. For me, cat abstaining from psychedelics has been something I've wrestled with. I am not pushing the issue, but don't have any set-in-stone objection to their use. I read somewhere that "acid will find you" if you need it. Frankly I don't think cat does; he's done rather a lot in former days, and I now try to find the "good shit" in meditation and yoga which I believe in the long run will probably be more meaningful and fulfilling.

The first thing is to break the physical addiction. Rehab is excellent for that. The next thing is to gain a bit of clean time. I really do recommend, initially at least, going with the whole total abstinence thing. Brain chemistry takes a while to settle down - give it about a year - and in that time your thought processes, feelings and decisions are going to be, to a greater or lesser extent, influenced by, for want of a better word, faulty neurological processes. I think, more than any programme, time (being abstinent) is the great healer here. Things can almost certainly be improved by good diet, exercise, meditation, yoga, massage, companionship, music, etc., etc., but patience is the watchword. Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey, or rather slowly, slowly, removey monkey from your back.

All good thoughts for your time away. Try to enjoy it, odd as this may sound. My cat did despite a seriously icky withdrawal!

Dickon

[malsat]

Thanks for the replies, guys.