How to go about telling an addict they are one and need help

[salviablue]

How would one go about telling an addict that they are (if you know for sure) an addict and they need to seek help (or need help to "get out before in too deep")?

I have often thought about this. How could you possibly broach the subject with someone (this would most likely be someone you care for very much) without having them retreat, deny and go to greater lengths to try and hide the addiction.

A chocolate starfish (Bob) once told me in a dream that a friend of his, we shall call her Millie, is an alcoholic. The alcoholism has wreaked havoc upon her family and close friends.

Apparently her drinking started in the open, then, as it increased, she started hiding the fact.
It got to the point where she has often weeks long binges on alcoholic warp drive, often does or says many things she does not recollect doing.
Sometimes she disappears for days at a time, either just un-contactable but at home, or un-contactable `not at home`.

Her behaviour has seemed to have tamed recently, but not the binging. Some days she manages to start drinking at only around midday, rarely later.
Most nights she will be up and about early hours after having gotten out of bed, awoken from drumber (drunken slumber), and "tidy up the house". This is when any alcohol left in the house by guests, other family members or her "secret" stash evaporate. An effect resembling the aftermath of house work (aka do the dishes, put out the bins, general tidy up etc..) can be observed in the morning.


Some of her family have given up on her, others have been so hurt by her actions and reactions to the alcoholism they have "left her to it".

She once admitted that she had a problem, and once even that she was an alcoholic. This was when one of the family found out all the help he could and presented it to her with the rest of the close family members. She highly resented this, eventhough to us it wasn't done in a condescending or berating manner, neither was it `softly softly touchy feely` "you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, we`ll just leave you this leaflet" kind of fashion, just heart felt and/but firm.

This she greatly resented and took even further lengths to try and disguise the alcoholism.

She is of the type of persona that cannot receive help and she has to do it her way or not at all. I think she has admitted to herself she has a problem but seems to think she can deal with it "manage" it.

To those swimmers that have been there, done that and got the brewery (or insert drug of addictions factory here), what made swiy admit to it, seek help and/or what could someone close do to help with those first steps?
How could the `confrontation` happen and 'sink in' and stimulate the addict to help?

Do different substance addictions need different approaches, or is it more to do with the individual or circumstance? Or maybe how `far gone` they are? Do "you are an addict, get help because we care etc.." confrontations work/help?

[missparkles]

Sparkles can only go by her own experience to be honest. She knows that when she was using she didn't want to hear anything anyone said, they couldn't know what she was going through, so how could they possibly understand? She felt like she was on a runaway train, she could see the inevitable crash that was coming, the worse her addiction got the more she used (to not have to think about it) and the quicker the descent got.
Eventually her friends and family all abandoned her, she realises now that although they did love her, they didn't like her and they had to keep themselves safe. Her addiction touched (and hurt) everyone.
Sparkles had to deal with a similar situation herself.
Her son was 16, he'd lived with family members (not gonna explain the details) and his behaviour (not coming home for days, getting drunk, using drugs, cheating, telling lies) had pissed everyone off, they'd tolerated this for years, but eventually washed their hands of him.
He rang his mum (that's Sparkles) and asked if he could stay at her flat in Battersea, she was living in Derbyshire helping her mum run their village shop as her step dad was seriously ill. She thought about this, she wanted to say yes, her son was in trouble and she wanted to do anything to ease any pain he was experiencing.
It hurt her so much to do this but in the end she said no. (yeah...what a fuckin' bitch) It still hurts to remember this.
She knew that if she let him use her flat he would abuse it and that would jeopardise her relationship with him, she also realised it would just enable him to continue not dealing with his problems (she would actually be disabling him). So she told him to ring the local authority, they had a duty to house him if he was homeless. He was crying, saying there were emotionally unstable people in hostels and he was scared, Sparkles told him he'd be fine, just to keep his door locked and not to let anyone in his room.
Long story shortened.
He stayed in a hostel for 6 weeks, he visited his mum and grandparents and it was agreed that he could live with them. Sparkles sat down with him, laid down some basic boundaries, stressing the consequences if these were broken. And it was really difficult, an emotional experience for everyone. Yeah...her son fucked up, (got drunk and wouldn't go to work) but he dealt with the repercussions.
Now he's in the army (been in for 7 years) is getting married soon and having his first child after Christmas. Sparkles is so proud.
It could have been so different.
So Sparkles would have to say "step back, let them get on with it, just be there to support them (not save them) when they're ready to admit they have a problem."
She also knows this is the most difficult thing to do. When someone we love is in pain, and we know we can ease that feeling, make them feel better, we will feel almost compelled to do it. The old "cruel to be kind" adage really does apply here. But it's not cruelty, it's tough love, the hardest type to give, because we have to withhold what the addict feels they need (acceptance of unacceptable behaviour) in order to give it.
But addicts have their perception of reality completely distorted, they can no longer see what they have become, believe if others won't help "they just don't love me." This can cause so much guilt, which is exactly what it's supposed to do (the addict may not realise this) and people immediately give in, enabling the addict further. Emotional blackmail has worked...yet again. Sparkles used this for years.
Sparkles apologises for her rambling, she's not high on paint fumes today, just high on caring is all.
She hopes the OP manages to deal with the situation, Sparkles wishes them well.
Take care love.
Sparkles.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Very honest, in detail, and accurate information that is good information for anyone encountering this type of problem