Opinions - When you csn stop you don't want to. when you want to stop you can't....

[Trauma Princess]

Is anyone else just tired? Tired of the rollercoaster. SWIM know its a rheorical question, but this jack-in-box life of ours is exhuasting. SWIM has not quite given in to daily usuage as a lifestyle- yet she certainly doesnt recreationally chip. She endures getting clean, celebrates that this is it this time-then because life kicks her down or she deserves just one little treat- another lost week or fortnight comes along, then the sickness, the despair. Then the questions whether its worth fixing it only to break it once again. SWIM has loved this website, since she found it and my god the harm prevention it has taught her-seriously the list is endless of the number of things SWIM has learnt (though sadly a little too late for her veins-but possibly a good title for another post " what has df taught us"). But what SWIM really wanted to say,despite the-my apologises maudalin tone- was how interesting it is the different stages dfs have on this forum and in a way how little the older members could ever teach the young. SWIM remembers when she first found it and actually was irritated at all the older users pouring venom and the most strongly worded caution to new users. At that stage SWIM was indulging in what she saw as the most magical fantastical sensual journey and hated the fact that people could taint that. Plus like all newbies she knew she was different-and yes SWIYs might have got addicted but in the same way people 'might die form ecstacy'- it was really rare and they were totally differnet people to SWIM. Ah the naivete! And SWIM just loves how many other chippers are reading this thinking the same of SWIM-'addict', 'weak', 'idiot'. Any of those thoughts cross your mind?! This forum seems to be the ultimate manifestation of "how little the old can teach the young". SWIM isn't saying there aren't exceptions to these rules and they are often keen to publisicse their views here- the functional rich heroin addict / the heroin addict who does it as a conscientious rational choice, but theres no escaping the fact that some of us would see that as self-deception or that every chipper has there downfall when life trauma and easy supply happen in unison, or that choosing street heroin as a root out of depression cannot end in a fulfilled and functioning life. So SWIM thinks her debate is- do other more wiser and jaded SWIMers despair and sadden every time a newbie posts a 'SWIM's never tried smack but really wants to IV first time....' or 'could SWIYs advise me how much to shoot and where the veins are?' posts. But SWIM has to say in general the newbies that are exposed to the general despair of LT use-she remembers it as a well suppressed but knawing concern-is probably a good thing as it makes one person more concerned and take the left road not he right-its been all good...alternatively the mods could sub-group us...the happy chippers and the daily addicts, with plenty of scope to go visit and see how the otherside live!