Where's the sparkle?

[missparkles]

Swim was born with a little sparkle in her tummy. That little sparkle that all babies have. The sparkle that needs to be to be nurtured. She was a blank page, an innocent creature just waiting for the grown ups in her life to write something on her page and make that sparkle grow.
But there were not enough nurturing adults in swims life and her sparkle began to die.
Swim grew up with a hard working mum and a stepfather. Her mum did try very hard to make sure she gave swim everything she needed, but she forgot that swim needed to feel safe. Swims stepfather was a bully and an abuser and although her mum had some idea of how much he disliked her daughter (she left him three times only to return) she never really figured out how much. Because of swims early years swim took on the role of victim. By the time she went to school she was everyone's favourite "bullying" project. Even some of the teachers.
When swim began to be abused sexually by her stepfather swims mum just assumed that they were getting on better, after all, some attention is better than no attention. Swim gradually retreated inside herself and became a strange little girl. This strangeness was even more of an attractive target for anyone who wanted to feel more powerful, better about themselves, or just impress their friends. And swim took the role on with eagerness.
Swim now realises that all social groups (be it home, school, work and even web sites have their group dynamic) with everyone taking on and accepting a role. But swim didn't realise this then. She was just a little girl.
When swim got to age eleven the bullying got worse at school and the fear at home increased. Swim had a total mental collapse. She can't remember too much about it. One thing that does stick in her mind were the blue pills the doctor gave her.
Swim was allowed home from the hospital to see her cousin (who was in the UK visiting from the US) on her honeymoon. The doctor gave swim five blue pills broken in half. He told swim to take one right away, one just before she was due to leave the hospital and one more half if she was stressed when she arrived home and felt she couldn't cope. But on no account to take more than three halves that day. He gave swim ten halves to last her two days.
Swim took half, but twenty minutes later she didn't feel any better so took another half. In just under ten minutes swim was floating. She felt warm, happy, relaxed, confident and so light. For the first time in swims short life she was feeling good. She was mistress of her own goddamned universe, and nothing anyone did or said could change that. So swim took another half. When swims mum came to pick her up swim was wasted. She didn't tell her mum that the doctor had given her a little brown envelope with broken up pills in it.
She was scared her mum would take the only thing in her life that gave her hope for the future, the only thing that had been kind to her, made her feel happy. That's when the addiction gorilla jumped on swims back. Swims mum could see she was happier, so perhaps felt that swim was recovering. What no one knew was that this was just the beginning of swims descent into the world of addiction. Swim had become devious. And there was no going back.
When swim got home she just opened up the envelope and took two more halves. Then swim knew no more. She woke up three days later, still buzzing but panicking that she'd lost her little blue friends. What was she gonna do? So swim told the doctor that the pills really did work, but she'd had a glass of alcohol to toast her cousins marriage. Swim lied to the doctor, she told him she'd forgotten about no alcohol on top of the pills. Swim was so convincing. She had to be, she felt she was fighting for her very existence in a harsh, unloving, uncaring world. Swim needed the pills to live. The doctor prescribed 10mg of Diazepam for swim 4x a day. Whew, swim was safe, for now. But she'd learned a very unhealthy lesson. Lying had got her drugs, and swim would go on repeating this lesson for the next forty years.
Swim then began to learn from her gorilla how to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate everyone around her. Swim had her sparkle back and she wasn't going to give it up for anyone or anything.

This is how swim got into drugs originally. Swim didn't think posting graphic details would add to the picture, she thinks everyone will get the general idea. She had to leave it there as it was quite a painful place to re visit. Swim is going to add her "using" experiences (feelings and thoughts) and her journey through the UK rehab process, which eventually lead to her recovery, as tenuous as that is today.
Thanks for allowing swim a safe place to share this shit.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Very brave to post this - thanks for sharing your story

[Ilsa]

often, when parents fail to protect, or worse yet, are actively abusive, we learn to substitute a substance for human relationships. the substance never lies, cheats, steals, hits, screams or hurts us. it does what it does and does it more reliably than any person we've encountered...

this is difficult stuff to talk about, as the cat knows, so thank you for sharing, keep adding when you need to, and stay strong

[Master_Khan]

A very powerful testimony, thanks for sharing. There is no sparkle quite like being at peace with God and if you seek Him you will find Him. Peace & Light to you.

[miggeth]

That's not shit, it was quite thought provoking, thanks. Swim has often thought along those lines, that there is something worth protecting that's all too often taken out of people by the harsh realities of life. Swims opinion is that natural opiates are one of the things here to help us protect against that, but too often they can actually add to the process of dehumanisation. It's a tightrope, but that's the challenge. Swim has learnt to enjoy the balancing act, that's what it takes. If he wants to keep that spark of life alive, it can sometimes mean he has to lie and cheat, and steal. The irony is not lost on him, but it's for the greater good. The Greater Good.

[ex-junkie]

Originally Posted by missparkles

Swim was born with a little sparkle in her tummy. That little sparkle that all babies have. The sparkle that needs to be to be nurtured. She was a blank page, an innocent creature just waiting for the grown ups in her life to write something on her page and make that sparkle grow.
But there were not enough nurturing adults in swims life and her sparkle began to die.
Swim grew up with a hard working mum and a stepfather. Her mum did try very hard to make sure she gave swim everything she needed, but she forgot that swim needed to feel safe. Swims stepfather was a bully and an abuser and although her mum had some idea of how much he disliked her daughter (she left him three times only to return) she never really figured out how much. Because of swims early years swim took on the role of victim. By the time she went to school she was everyone's favourite "bullying" project. Even some of the teachers.
When swim began to be abused sexually by her stepfather swims mum just assumed that they were getting on better, after all, some attention is better than no attention. Swim gradually retreated inside herself and became a strange little girl. This strangeness was even more of an attractive target for anyone who wanted to feel more powerful, better about themselves, or just impress their friends. And swim took the role on with eagerness.
Swim now realises that all social groups (be it home, school, work and even web sites have their group dynamic) with everyone taking on and accepting a role. But swim didn't realise this then. She was just a little girl.
When swim got to age eleven the bullying got worse at school and the fear at home increased. Swim had a total mental collapse. She can't remember too much about it. One thing that does stick in her mind were the blue pills the doctor gave her.
Swim was allowed home from the hospital to see her cousin (who was in the UK visiting from the US) on her honeymoon. The doctor gave swim five blue pills broken in half. He told swim to take one right away, one just before she was due to leave the hospital and one more half if she was stressed when she arrived home and felt she couldn't cope. But on no account to take more than three halves that day. He gave swim ten halves to last her two days.
Swim took half, but twenty minutes later she didn't feel any better so took another half. In just under ten minutes swim was floating. She felt warm, happy, relaxed, confident and so light. For the first time in swims short life she was feeling good. She was mistress of her own goddamned universe, and nothing anyone did or said could change that. So swim took another half. When swims mum came to pick her up swim was wasted. She didn't tell her mum that the doctor had given her a little brown envelope with broken up pills in it.
She was scared her mum would take the only thing in her life that gave her hope for the future, the only thing that had been kind to her, made her feel happy. That's when the addiction gorilla jumped on swims back. Swims mum could see she was happier, so perhaps felt that swim was recovering. What no one knew was that this was just the beginning of swims descent into the world of addiction. Swim had become devious. And there was no going back.
When swim got home she just opened up the envelope and took two more halves. Then swim knew no more. She woke up three days later, still buzzing but panicking that she'd lost her little blue friends. What was she gonna do? So swim told the doctor that the pills really did work, but she'd had a glass of alcohol to toast her cousins marriage. Swim lied to the doctor, she told him she'd forgotten about no alcohol on top of the pills. Swim was so convincing. She had to be, she felt she was fighting for her very existence in a harsh, unloving, uncaring world. Swim needed the pills to live. The doctor prescribed 10mg of Diazepam for swim 4x a day. Whew, swim was safe, for now. But she'd learned a very unhealthy lesson. Lying had got her drugs, and swim would go on repeating this lesson for the next forty years.
Swim then began to learn from her gorilla how to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate everyone around her. Swim had her sparkle back and she wasn't going to give it up for anyone or anything.

This is how swim got into drugs originally. Swim didn't think posting graphic details would add to the picture, she thinks everyone will get the general idea. She had to leave it there as it was quite a painful place to re visit. Swim is going to add her "using" experiences (feelings and thoughts) and her journey through the UK rehab process, which eventually lead to her recovery, as tenuous as that is today.
Thanks for allowing swim a safe place to share this shit.

swiys honesty is touching.

swim can relate to swiy, because she too was abused by a family member as a little girl, and cannot remember very much. swim doesnt want to remember everything though.

[just some chick]

Swim can truly understand swiy's story and experience. Swim admires swiy's courage and wants to share too, hoping swiy doesn't mind.

Swim was once a happy little girl, with a father who loved her but one day her life changed, her father left leaving her with a mother who didn't care about swim at all. She remarried and husband number two didn't like swim, he would treat her badly, putting her down and calling her all kinds of names. He tried to beat her into submission but swim held on, hoping her father would come back and rescue to her. That day never came and eventually swim's mother kicked her out of the house at 15. After months of being homeless swim finally got on her own two feet, legally emancipated and struggling to be strong but the hope inside of her was gone. Swim went through the motions but felt only anger, pain and emptiness inside.

Swim had done the softer stuff, pot, coke, x, pills, lsd all of which were 'fun' but left her feeling just as empty inside. She wanted to be loved, to be wanted and cared for, she felt so alone and misunderstood it hurt. Then swim met joe who was already a full member of the dopefiend club. He had tracks on his arms and was terribly cocky, but something about him was charming to her, she found his anger familiar; comforting. She was curious, so she asked him to shoot her up too. He obliged and the feeling she got, the rush, the high, it took all of the pain away, it filled the emptiness inside of her, it made her whole and as she laid in his arms nodding off she thought she had finally found happiness.

Completely unaware of the just how much this drug would take with it everytime it wore off, oblivious to the way it would consume her, become her, she followed his lead, driving through neighborhoods that were often the subject of random violence and police raids, with excitement, the mock danger of it (fear of the inhabitants, not the police) she happily surrendered. She didn't care the lengths she went to in order to get her fix, all she cared about was that warm feeling, the high she mistook for happiness, it was a feeling that would haunt her for the rest of her life, lurking in the shadows, promising to be friend when no one else cared.....

Reputation Comments on this post:

Painfully honest, thanks for sharing.

[missparkles]

Swim just want to say she was so touched reading that. That's all she can say at the moment. Swims sorry swiy was a sad little girl too.

[missparkles]

Since Sparkles wrote this she has been thinking. She really believes she was meant to go through this, and everything else she's experienced.
Yeah...it was so terribly painful, but every single thing that has happened in her past has contributed to exactly who she is today.
She could have allowed her life, and the feelings it evoked, to bury her. To be honest, at times that's exactly how it felt. Instead it gave her the strength to fight back, to say to everyone who had abused her, to say to herself "enough is enough, I'm not gonna take it anymore." By using drugs she was just confirming what everyone said, that she was useless, that she didn't deserve anything better.
It might sound fuckin' weird, but Sparkles truly believes that she's been given something so unique, something that can only be gained through painful experience.
And in a way she's grateful, feels almost privileged for the chance to have gone through it, to have been given the opportunity to gain the awareness she has. She no longer sees her life as a negative thing, it was just a way to learn, for the universe to give her something immensely special.
And believe me...she treasures it..
Sparkles.

[el burgo]

SWIM understands what SWIY is talking about. Sounds to SWIM that SWIY has been through alot. SWIY is saying addiction and pain made SWIY a better person but SWIY lost the sparkle of innocence and youth; as it were when SWIM was young SWIM had sparkling blue eyes. The sparkle has gone now thou.

el burgo added 2 Minutes and 27 Seconds later...

.......SWIM is now recovering alcoholic and so far so good. SWIM will never stop cannabis thou! hehe

el burgo added 1 Minutes and 10 Seconds later...

will the sparkle and jolity of youth show itself again....?

[missparkles]

After Sparkles found a way to kill the pain, she was emotionally dead.
Her emotional development, stunted to begin with, now ceased to function at all.
She was 11 years old, lived in a psychologically, and sexually abusive environment. There was no one to protect her, no one to save her, so she saved herself, the only way she could.
She became emotionally wild.
She started drinking alcohol at home secretly, it made her feel great, it boosted her confidence, and it stopped the pain.
She began hanging out with older addicts, living in squats in Twickenham, and had her first hit.
Nothing could have prepared her for that first hit. She felt so safe, cocooned in a warm blanket of love. Heroin loved her, she loved it, it took care of her. It made her feel ok, it was always there for her, however much pain she was in, it never...ever, turned her away.
That was the beginning of her love affair with smack.
Her problems didn't get any better, nothing changed, her behaviour actually made them worse, but her ability to cope, changed in a major way. This was the big shift for her.
Heroin changed her in so many ways, it enabled her to justify hurting others, after all, she was in pain, why shouldn't others feel how she did.
For years, Sparkles was almost psychopathic, heroin enabled her to switch off feelings, feel no remorse, no regret, she did some despicable things.
She could even rationalise her abuse, "yeah it was wrong, but life is full of bad people, wasn't she bad too, she used drugs?"
She became sexually promiscuous too, sex at one time was her biggest fear, now it became a tool. Just another way to hurt people.
If anyone showed her care, concern, they were a mug, and deserved to be fucked over. Used first...of course...then fucked over.
By the time she was 14 she'd quit school, had no respect for anyone or anything, least of all herself.
Her mum was on the brink of a breakdown, her family hated her, and she was so happy.
Her mum had allowed her step dad to abuse her, she deserved punishing. Everyone who knew her, did nothing to stop her abuse, so she was gonna punish them too.
Criticise her new friend, heroin, and she would fuckin' punish you too, it helped her cope, get through life. Her psychiatrist referred her to the Maudsley Hospital.
They just fed her addiction really, cos they enabled her behaviour, without realising it, they gave her more damned excuses.
They gave her excuses to use, told her she was justified to feel bad. They understood why she used. However, Sparkles didn't hear what she didn't wanna hear, the part about it being her choice to continue.
No, they didn't say this outright, but they told her she could turn it round.
What...go through more fuckin' pain, leave something that made her feel safe, just to solve the problem.
No. She definitely wasn't listening.
So eventually, when she'd abused them, their help and care, they washed their hands of her. They said she was too damaged to benefit from any help.
So back to the psychiatrist she went.
He told her mum that there was nothing he could do, but cos Sparkles told him not too, he never mentioned why she used drugs.
Sparkles was so scared still, scared of her step dad. He'd indoctrinated her in pain, emotional pain.
Her earliest memory of him, was when she was about three years old. She been naughty, and he'd tied her hands behind her back with her dressing gown cord, told her if she was ever naughty again, he'd take her away from her mum. He added, if she ever told her mum, he'd take her away.
The fear she felt, pure terror, at the thought of her mum going away, was the foundation, the building blocks of his reign of terror.
This continued until she was forty.
Today, she can't believe she let it continue, but she was so eager to please, to get it right. She equated being good, right, pleasing, with keeping her mum.
So heroin made her feel less scared, but it wiped out something human in her, for so many years. Any compassion, love, kindness...that went too.
It was a case of survival of the fittest. She became a survivor.
By this time, her sparkle was under so much shit, she no longer even knew it existed, she felt numb, and was happy that way.
She was scared to feel.
She went into treatment three times in the next few years, she was treated by Max Glatt in his unit at St. Bernards Hospital,. But she fucked up and was thrown out. Although Max did treat her afterwards, as an outpatient.
He told her she was a very damaged girl, but she still needed help.
She was scripted for amps, spent most of her time in the West End, "down the dilly."
When she wasn't in barb wards, recovering from a Tuinal ODs, she was selling her script to people in pubs.
Looking back, she thought this was so cool, people "rock stars" were asking her for drugs, she was smoking dope with them, but it wasn't cool, it was a facade.
She was just allowing herself to be used and abused, it was all she felt she was really worth, but she thought she was in control. She couldn't see just how it was, her addiction played her.
Eventually she met a bloke who wanted to marry her, she was only seventeen, but she desperately wanted to get away from home. But she was too scared to live alone, she was a child in an adults body, she had no coping skills, she couldn't take care of herself. She just thought she could.
So she got married, she spent her wedding day under a table, totally wasted. Her husband made excuses for her, he needed to be needed, so it was a fair trade. They were well matched.
She got into shit, he felt good getting her outta shit.
He was 15 years older than Sparkles, which made her feel more powerful, it fed into her feelings of powerlessness, made her feel so much better.
She didn't realise then that power, is an internal aspect of personality.
Power given, can be taken away, and she was constantly juggling her life to keep everyone happy.
The stress was tremendous.
She went into treatment, lots of times, she quit, lots of times. But she was just trying to please others. She never wanted to give up heroin.
She couldn't understand how no one could see why she used, why she needed it. She was too scared to stop.
She couldn't see just what she'd become, the damage she was doing to herself. She was still a victim, but she used the pain and fear to turn it around, to hurt others. She was so good at it.
She made sure no one could love her.
It wasn't till she went into treatment the last time, 15 years ago, that she really became aware of why she'd behaved the way she had.
She'd used from the age of 11, gone through two marriages, lost everything, and was so fuckin' scared.
But she realised life couldn't be more painful without drugs, as it had been with them.
When she first went into treatment, the last time, her counselor was going on holiday. When he returned he was surprised to see her there still. He said he didn't think she'd hack it.
She was still that victim, she just no longer had the drugs to mask it.
Everyone bullied her emotionally, in groups, in conversation...all of the time.
She had a childs mentality, a childs emotions, her psychological growth stopped when she was so young, it couldn't begin again until she stopped using. She only knew how to operate on a basic emotional level, she was totally out of her depth. This was perhaps her lowest point. She was on the verge of relapse.
Her counselor said he could only support her, he couldn't do it for her.
Then one day, someone said something that upset her, and she cried tears of pure rage. She hadn't cried since she was a child, she saw crying, in fact any show of emotion, as weakness. Something people would take advantage of. Something she'd take advantage of in others.
It scared the hell outta her, but it was the first time she'd allowed herself to feel anything. An honest feeling that matched the situation.
It put her in touch with her real self, and it was a drug free self.
For two weeks she was scared, she sat with her back against the wall in her room, frightened to talk to anyone. She was scared she'd lose her temper, that people wouldn't like her for it.
In groups she was called out about isolating herself, warned that she was gonna relapse, told she needed to talk about it.
It was a very easy option for others to focus on her, and avoid their own shit, but she didn't realise this then.
She had her first weekend leave booked, the rehab she was in allowed leave to senior residents, and she'd just begun talking to her mum, and was gonna visit.
She was worried cos her step dad would be there.
Her parents had bought a village store when they retired, it was successful, and they wanted her to see it.
So off she went to Derbyshire.
As the train pulled out of Kings Cross station, she felt the stress lift from her body. The shit she'd endured in rehab, just lifted. It was the most exhilarating feeling she's ever had. The first good feeling she had since quitting drugs.
She knew that she could face her step dad, she just had to be assertive.
Everything was going so well, she helped her mum in the shop, her step dad had been ok with her, too nice in fact.
On Sunday morning, the day she was due to return to the rehab, her parents argued. Her step father came into the sitting room, and bent over her.
He said "this is all your fault, me and your mum only argue when you're around."
Sparkles felt the fear in the pit of her stomach, she pressed her body back into the chair, tried as always, to become invisible. Her stepfathers face was two inches from hers, he had hold of her arm, and it hurt.
She just seemed to stop breathing.
Then something deep down changed, as if a switch had been flipped.
She looked at him, and calmly told him "get your face outta mine, I don't like it."
Her step father looked as if he'd been slapped.
Then she said "and let go of my arm, I don't like that either."
He let go.
She got up, went to her mum, and said she was going back early, she needed a lift.
Big change.
In the past it would have been "I'm sorry to bother you mum, I know you're busy, I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but is it ok if I go back early?"
Her mum just said of course it was.
She packed her bag, and there was a knock on her bedroom door. It was her step dad. He apologised, said he was wrong. He wanted her to stay, go back on time, spend more time with her mum.
Sparkles agreed, but as he left her room, she said, "by the way, don't ever touch me again, no one touches me without my permission. You don't have permission, so don't do it."
When the door closed, she burst into tears. That is a moment she'll always remember. The moment she got that sparkle back.
He took it away from her when she was a child, and when she was forty, she took the damn thing back.
When she went back to treatment she did the same, she took back her power. She cried for weeks, she was in shock, but it was forty years of pain she needed to dump, so she did it. It was an amazing feeling.
Never be afraid to cry, it is so therapeutic.
It's been difficult, finding the balance. At first Sparkles thought honesty in recovery was about being honest with others. No, it's about self honesty.
She still gets it wrong, but now she forgives herself, she knows she's not perfect, she's gonna make mistakes. As long as she learns from them, that's the main thing.
And now, she doesn't rely on others to make her feel good, and she asks for no ones forgiveness, she does that for herself.
She speaks with addicts daily, and she always tries to remember that quitting drugs is a fearful thing. Lots of people use cos they're fearful to begin with. She always tries to remember there's another person in the equation, someone who is really hurting in some way.
She's been accused by co-workers of being "polyannarish" but she believes if you look hard enough, there's good in most people.
Fear makes people act and behave in ways they wouldn't normally behave, she tries so hard to remember that.
She's spoken to her mum at length about her step dad, he bullied the whole family, in fact he bullied everyone. She now realises her mum had no parenting skills to begin with, so she was doing the best she could.
Sparkles knows she behaved badly, hurt so many people, but she's forgiven herself and her mother, she can't live in the past.
From the time she stood up to him, her step father couldn't do enough for her, eventually, he got cancer and Alzheimer's disease. He got so sick, he couldn't remember anything most of the time.
One thing Sparkles does remember, occasionally, he'd have lucid days, then he was aware that he was dying, that he was losing his mind. And he was scared and powerless, just like Sparkles had been.
She felt a lot of compassion for him then, she knew just how it felt. But she wondered if this was karma, life paying him back.
When he died, it was her hand he wanted to hold, it was Sparkles who was there for him. She felt he'd suffered enough.
Payback didn't help her, she'd spent her life on a payback crusade, and it made everything worse.
Sometimes you just gotta let it go.

Ok, this has been a long and rambling account, it was the only way to do it. I've missed a huge chunk out in the middle, but that's was just drug use and pain, most addicts can fill in the blanks. I suppose I just wanted to show where it baegan, and where it ended. I'll get round to the rest later. This is painfull stuff to write about...honestly.
Sparkles.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	thanks for a truthful heartfelt post and for showing things can be better if you make them
	don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes:)

[cyndi]

Sweet swiy we all mess up as we are human and addicts. What makes addicts feel better when life goes bad...what we are used to numbing. At least swiy recognizes what happened and is processing it. To go on and lie and say everything is ok would be different. Today is a new day, work on the things swiy needs to do to stay sober. pm me anytime or email me.