Journal - Smiles, frowns, and alot of ups and downs....

[m.swinehart81]

Swim has been addicted to heroin off and on for about 9 years now. He started using when he was 18 years old while living in Seattle, Washington. Swims first use was with some friends that had mixed up heroin with ecstasy and he snorted it. At the time he didn't really think much about it. I think that is mainly because of the ecstasy.

After trying heroin a couple of times in the same manner he eventually tried heroin by itself. He became addicted very easily. He had already been shooting up meth so he started shooting heroin pretty much right away. Swim used every day for about 3 months before it really hit him that he had a problem. At first it scared the hell out of him so he decided to go to Nebraska where his father lived. He knew that he could not get heroin there so he figured it would be a good place to kick. This was many years ago and swims memory may be a bit faded but he doesnt remember the withdrawals being absolutely terrible. It was hard for him to deal with but he was able to overcome. After getting clean he stayed away from heroin for a while. He moved out of Nebraska and moved to Colorado. When in Colorado he got arrested for selling ecstasy and was locked up for 2 years.

When he got out of jail he started hanging out with an old friend that had discovered heroin recently. Eventually swim started using again, and in no time he was addicted once again. He had a lot of ups and downs through out the next few years. He had a few months here and there that he was able to kick but it never lasted very long.

Things really started getting bad for swim eventually. He got to the point where he was shooting up 2-4 grams of heroin every day and he ended up really depressed. Swim even tried committing suicide on two different occasions. This all went on for about 3 years. Swim decided it was time again to try to kick heroin, but he found out this time it wasnt going to be so easy. He tried many times but would make it 3-5 days and end up calling the dope man. He lied to all of his loved ones and found himself in a big, dark, deep hole of depression and guilt. He eventually came clean with his girlfriend and decided to try and kick again. He was about 4 or 5 days into withdrawals when he and his girlfriend got into a really bad fight. Swim was very upset and ended up chugging down a bottle of vodka. This turned out to be a very bad decision. Swim got alcohol poisoning and that on top of all the wear and tear from the withdrawals put swim in a very bad situation. He started having seizures and lost conciousness. Swim woke up the next morning in the hospital with a social worker sitting in his room. The social worker proceeded to tell swim that swim had stopped breathing and that his heart stopped beating 3 times through out the evening. This scared the hell out of swim!!! The social worker began to ask swim about his life and what was going on. Swim told him everything. He told him about all of the times he had quit and ended back up using again, he told him about all the failed attempts at getting clean, and he told him about the extent of his use. The social worker told swim that it was obvious that he needed help. At first swim was completely against it but after the conversation had went on for a while swim started to come around and realize that he did need help. He ended up getting signed up at a methadone clinic.

At first swim was still using as well as taking his methadone. This went on for about a year to a year and a half before swim decided that it was time to quit using heroin completely. He began to do very well with his methadone treatment and after about a year he switched over to suboxone. The suboxone was amazing! It was literally like a miracle drug compared to methadone. Don't get me wrong, methadone definitely served its purpose but I also feel like swim never would have gotten completely clean if he would have stayed on the methadone. So swim stayed on the suboxone for about a year and was doing very well but then something bad happened. Swims doctor quit practising and did not tell swim ahead of time. It got to be the time where swims prescription was running out so he went to set up an appointment but to his amazement his doctor was no longer around. Swim found himself a new doctor but it was going to be 5 days before he could get his script filled and he was out of suboxone. At the time swim thought he could use heroin for those days to keep himself from getting sick so that is what swim did. It was the biggest mistake swim could have ever made!!!! When swim got his script he tried taking it and it didn't work. Swim was once again addicted to the H, and he didn't have the willpower to get back on the suboxone.

This all happened a little over a year ago and swim is still using heroin. He has about a gram to a gram and a half a day habit and is totally torn as what to do. He has found himself involved in that old familiar love affair once again but at the same time it is something he doesnt want to do. Heroin grabbed ahold of swim a long time ago and it has never let go. I don't think it will ever loosen its grip on swim. The only way swim will ever get back to where he was is if he rips himself free. He just doesnt know if he has it in him right now. He is doing relatively well. His life is good and heroin isnt really causing him any problems. He knows from passed experience though that this will not last forever and he doesnt want to go back down that road of extreme depression and guilt but at the same time he doesnt know if he will have the will do quit if he isnt at rock bottom like he was before...???

So that is swim's story. I know it is kind of long but I figured I would share.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Thank you for taking the time to share this, I was a very good read for any addict
	good to share story for benefit of OP, what about an update?

[gaulois]

Hi M.Swine
Swim can totally relate. Although, he's on Suboxone. You can read a bit about me in my profile. Opiates are truly bittersweet. The feeling... comfort etc, reflects that beautiful field of Poppies swaying in the breeze. But then this comfort becomes illusive, then too short, and next thing you know, you are no longer doing things you loved. The life force is gone. Sex- zip, outdoor stuff (if you liked it) zip. SWIM just thinks about getting back to the field, but just cant. Obsession replaces life force.
Swiy.... I hope he can find the strength to go through the w/d and at least get on Sub again. It is better than the up and down of the short acting opioids. Some semblance of normalcy. It is all relative I guess. Sometimes swim thinks about saying - screw the whole thing- if he is going to be on long term maintenance, then just going to go on Methadone, or worse H. Feel good for a week, and just finish life in that illusive field.
But he does not want to die yet. There are so many things he wants to do. He has so much to offer. What a shame. What would his daughter's do? Even though they are finished w/ H.S. and on their way, they love him so much.
Does SWIM or SWIY want that?
Swim is in the same predicament. Going through w/d is horrible enough, but the post acute is worse. There are a lot of people out there going though this. The opiates have become another epidemic like the heroin scurge.

Reputation Comments on this post:

supportive post,offers insightful,creative description of opiate addiction

[MarkyMayhem]

Dude....

SWIM has almost the exact same story.

He got off methdone years ago and on subs.

His doc abrubtly stopped practicing, luckily SWIM went in for an appt RIGHT before he quit, like 1 week literally.. Got 3 months to get a new doc [3 month script] and ended up using it to taper. Clean for some years. Then relapse, back on Suboxone.
This time, the EXACT same thing happened to SWIM as SWIY, called for an appt to be notified that the Doc was no longer practicing! Got a new doctor, used in the intrim, and spent 1.5 years bullshitting the new doctor and taking H along with suboxone.
SWIM eventually went back on methadone, spent almost a year using daily as well, and is now doing pretty well on the program...
Sorry to not have any better advice..