Spiritual - Adderall XR and Ego-Death / Mania & Enlightenment

[Chrispy]

SWIM was put on 30mgs of Adderall XR by doc. She was convinced she was going through some kind of "awakening" or "spiritual crisis" at that time, but didn't tell anyone because she knew they would get the wrong idea since she's been diagnosed bipolar years ago. She knew people would think she was manic if she told them how she really felt. She was still eating, sleeping, and albe to function in everyday life, so people just assumed it was true happiness... with a bit more talking and sh*tload more researching on stuff like enlightenment, higher consciousness, Buddhism, etc... In fact, she was completely OBSESSED with the research... But she felt she never had such clarity or understanding in her life. EVERYTHING was crystal clear and she came to the realization that she created her own reality and everyone was one. She started meditating for up to an hour a day. Her dreams got more vivid than any other time in her life. She wanted to become Buddhist. This lasted about a week and a half.

Then came the crash which lasted about a week. SWIM is on other medicine for her mood swings and anxiety (but feels psychiatrically RAPED when she swallows them). During this crash, SWIM slept constantly even on the 30mgs, was depressed, and eventually started thinking and talking about suicide. However, this depression was much different from any other. She was thinking of suicide, but instead of contemplating how, she was wondering What's NEXT? She was questioning everything. "Who am I". "What's reality?" "Why am I here?" Mostly, "Who or What is God?" She was so depressed that her doc uped her Adderall XR to 40mgs a day.

NOW she's sleeping 3-4 hours a night. She has no idea how long she rambles on for because she can't stop talking (even rhyming for no reason??? WTF?), she writes 4 or 5 three page long blog entries a day to help her clear her mind, but it leads to nowhere. She has so many ideas and "revelations" and feels they're so important that she has to tell everyone. She will even beg her friend to stay up with her during the night so she's not forced to talk to herself.

She knows she's going through some kind of transformation again, this time MUCH deeper than the first. It feels very mystical to her. She feels high all the time, even tingling. This time she's been smoking weed though which makes it even more intense. She can see whatever she wishes in the clouds. If she wants to see a vivid shadow of clear, swirling clouds with a pink lining, she sees it. She knows she's having some kind of ego-death, what she calls a "quantum leap" or reaching a higher level of consciousness. She now understands that everything in the universe is in some way connected to the laws of quantum physics. She doesn't want it to end because she believes once she reaches peak, she will have a true collapse of the ego and finally be free of all fear. She feels this is the only path to enlightenment.

My question is this. Is the Adderall causing her to feel this way?

And if so, why did she suddenly go through that period of depression? Could she really be experiencing some kind of ego-death even if the Adderall did cause it? And even if she is manic, since enlightenment and mania have the same sensory experiences, could she be "awakening" to a higher level of consciousness?

Thanks for reading.