(recovery) Constant reoccuring nightmares about ex ideal love.

[Spare Chaynge]

Swim has constant reoccurring nightmares about his ex girlfriend and how unethical he was to her. They were the same age and dated from 15-20 years old. First love kinda thing.(he was only unethical to her once to this extreme, everything else was just little things that don't even come close to this)

Well swim and her had a messed up relationship, probably do the the life style of drugs. One particular night after a long binge of cocaine,alcohol and alprazolam(withdrawling from methadone) swim awoke in the middle of the night to find his gf messing around with one of his friends. He simply went back to bed on to much alprazolam to care. When he awoke the alprazolam had worn off. He was very angry and irrational so he asked her about it and told her to leave. She immediately began to shows signs that she really cared about swim and it was a huge mistake. Swim did not care. She would not leave so swim went and got a gun. While they were still in argument,Mainly her begging to be forgiven and to be allowed to explain swim then leveled the gun at her and escorted her out.

To this day swim thinks this was the Most unethical thing that he did in his addiction. He thinks about her 3-4 times a week. He has nightmares about going back in time and trying to change it only to have something worse happen. Of all the things he regrets in life this is the main one. He made his amends to her (she would not answer his phone call understanbly even though she seem it fit to call him out of the blue once a year or so.) so it was in a letter

Anyways this still haunts him a lot. Many of swims friends say things like oh you just pointed a gun at her it wasn't that unethical. swim truly believes he will burn in hell for this and deserves to. The emotional trauma he caused that girl good god he can not even imagine.

Anyone else suffer from this.
Swim does not think that the amends would help him in a situation like this. What will? Time? Its been almost 3 years. How can he get this girl out of his head? He did truly love her but its time to move on? I'm pretty sure she has.