Loving cocaine too much

[katyjay]

Oh friends,

SWIM has not really got anywhere else to turn. SWIM has managed to keep this secret affair under covers for some time. Years, in fact. But gradually, a fling has turned into an obsession.

Please, if anyone has some advice for SWIM, tell it now. I know there are countless threads like this, but SWIM would appreciate some direct advice.

SWIM has spent an exorbitant amount of cash feeding the cola-beast. SWIM is at the very gates of ultimate catastrophe - as of yet, this secret lust has not disrupted normal life but disaster is brewing and SWIM wants to escape before it all implodes.

For a few years, SWIM played with coke, snorting it only, but always adored it with a passion, not recognising in those heady, early days that this passion was a symptom of addiction. For the past year, SWIM has lived alone, and without watchful eyes to curb SWIM's behaviour, a thrice weekly habit has formed. It is all too easy to pick up the phone and create a night of wonder, thoughts, imagination. It is masturbation for the mind, someone said, and they are right - it is selfish, solipsistic and unfulfulling.

SWIM's desperate plea is this: If one is fundamentally unwilling and opposed to NA or rehab, what other methods are there for escaping? SWIM knows a dealer's number off by heart and cannot erase it from the memory. How do people successfully resist the overpowering call of the drug?

SWIM does not want this to end badly. There is still time to put things right. It's just that SWIM loves it so very much and is weak.

Please, please help.