Loving cocaine too much

[katyjay]

Oh friends,

SWIM has not really got anywhere else to turn. SWIM has managed to keep this secret affair under covers for some time. Years, in fact. But gradually, a fling has turned into an obsession.

Please, if anyone has some advice for SWIM, tell it now. I know there are countless threads like this, but SWIM would appreciate some direct advice.

SWIM has spent an exorbitant amount of cash feeding the cola-beast. SWIM is at the very gates of ultimate catastrophe - as of yet, this secret lust has not disrupted normal life but disaster is brewing and SWIM wants to escape before it all implodes.

For a few years, SWIM played with coke, snorting it only, but always adored it with a passion, not recognising in those heady, early days that this passion was a symptom of addiction. For the past year, SWIM has lived alone, and without watchful eyes to curb SWIM's behaviour, a thrice weekly habit has formed. It is all too easy to pick up the phone and create a night of wonder, thoughts, imagination. It is masturbation for the mind, someone said, and they are right - it is selfish, solipsistic and unfulfulling.

SWIM's desperate plea is this: If one is fundamentally unwilling and opposed to NA or rehab, what other methods are there for escaping? SWIM knows a dealer's number off by heart and cannot erase it from the memory. How do people successfully resist the overpowering call of the drug?

SWIM does not want this to end badly. There is still time to put things right. It's just that SWIM loves it so very much and is weak.

Please, please help.

[rokman nash]

It takes an iron willed desire,and the utmost willpower to do this on your own.Saying that more often than not, on its own is not enough.To truly make a change, swim will need to change just about everthing in swims life.Just the act of speaking, and or writing about ones problems can be very cathartic.But swim should seek out someone to talk to on a regular basis to help ground them, and motivate them to really make a change.

My friend Dave could only make it so far on his own, and can now admit that these particular problems are very hard to deal with alone.If swim feels that it could be beneficial to talk one on one, feel free to PM anytime.

Good luck, Good Thoughts

[Fight Club]

Originally Posted by katyjay

Please, if anyone has some advice for SWIM, tell it now. . . disaster is brewing and SWIM wants to escape before it all implodes. . .

If one is fundamentally unwilling and opposed to NA or rehab, what other methods are there for escaping?

SWIM does not want this to end badly. . .SWIM loves it so very much and is weak.

Understand and accept the idea that many people cannot quit on their own. When that happened to NIK, he went to a 28-day rehab despite the idea that he thought the world could not get by without him for so long.

For years he had tried to quit his IV coke habit through sheer willpower, always caving in the end, because he liked it so much . . . just like you.

When time and opportunity presented itself, he was always able to convince himself that just one more time would be OK, endlessly perpetuating the cycle of craving, rationalization, use, remorse and resolve to never do it again.

The 28-day rehab broke that cycle, and allowed NIK to quit. Through his commitment to regular AA meetings, he has met and made sober friends which provide mutal support to each other. He accepts his sponsor's suggestions, recognizing that his own judgement is flawed with respect to his own recovery.

Don't be "fundamentally unwilling and opposed to NA or rehab" until you have tried them and found that they don't work for you.

FC

[Medici]

Hey Katyjay,

SWIM can absolutely understand where you're coming from on this one; for SWIM it's that moment of deluding SWIM that they've attained their nirvana!! SWIM was in exactly the same position as you until their dealer got nicked by the old bill!! And then it became impossible to get hold of for a while; and then SWIM fell into the same old bad habits!!

People will tell you change your lifestyle, change your social life, but if your habit was under the radar to everyone but you, this will achieve nothing! I'm afraid SWIM sounds to be of a similar ilk to and not over-enamoured with the idea of NA or rehab. If this is a habit you have had in private, to the exclusivity of your friends / family, it stands to reason, you may not want / be able to confide in them, but equally, this is not something you may be able to do alone.

For SWIM, having no idea what your life is like professionally / socially, it's difficult to offer advice. I could offer the platitudes of you've made the first step and recognised that you have a problem, but I imagine that's not why you've posted! You want hard answers / advice!

SWIM would genuinely suggest that if you aren't prepared to do NA or rehab (which is perfectly understandable in SWIM's opinion), that you do need to find someone to talk to on a regular basis. Because whatever happens, you cannot expect yourself to be able to do this in isolation. But most of all, I wish you all the best. My genuine advice to deal with this; find someone to talk to at those moments you need a line; if that means making a new friend or a random stranger, someone you are prepared to tell what you're going through or not; make the rules up as you go along, but as I say you cannot do this in isolation.

And I know I'm a random stranger; but if you need a random stranger to vent to, feel free to PM

Reputation Comments on this post:

Great insight - sounds like you have been there.