My fiance is an alcoholic

[Lily]

My fiance is an alcoholic. We live with my mother because we can't afford to live on our own in NJ. We plan on moving south whenever we have money.($900 for a 2 bedroom apt in a decent neighborhood and no one makes over $8.50 an hour unless they've been working at the same place for years.) Both of us are looking for work and we have no insurance.

And no, i do not want to marry an alcoholic. He wants to marry me and i hope that he will be sober by the time we get everything together.(I knew him online about 8 years before we decided to meet and try a relationship. I knew he drank but i thought it was because of personal family issues. I didn't know he was drinking so much and in such quantity.)

He can't seem to stop drinking and we have no money for rehab. All of his friends don't think it's a problem even when i tell them the things he does when he gets home. I was recently bitched out by his friends mother for picking him up at 3am from their place because i was "overreacting".

I ended up writing a long email to his mother. A woman of apparently no words. My fiance adores his mother and would do anything for her. I've been told she doesn't like confrontation and is COMPLETELY silent even when her husband is screaming at their children. All she does is sit down with a beer and read a book.(My fiance is the same way. We've never had a fight because he refuses to fight back. I feel like i'm talking to myself. He says he'll go to therapy with me, but we have no money.)

I told her everything from the time he moved in.

She SHOULD know all about this. He's had this problem for about 6 years. When he was living with his parents he was out 10 hours a day. As long as he called to tell them he was ok, he could stay out for weeks at a time. He sold weed to make a living and they were fine with it. They aren't potheads either.(Apparently it's a good way to make money in the south, i've met a few people that have done the same.)

His father ended up calling him almost 2 weeks after this email..and asked him if he needed to come home. That's all he said. I wrote that email for days and told them embarrassing private things that any parent should be ashamed of.

He is 29 years old. He doesn't need to go home. He needs people around him to help him. How is that possible when his own family ignores his problems.(His brother is 30, lives at home and drinks all the time too. They won't kick him out though. I don't know why.)

I never want to meet these people. Not his parents or his siblings. Each has issues and surprisingly i got the best one of them.

I love this man so much and i want him to get better. He is a beautiful person except for when he's drunk. He has had his heart ripped out and his life basically destroyed in the past and i think it's still haunting him. I want to show him he doesn't have to live like this to be happy but i don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely lost.

Any advice?

[ex-junkie]

Originally Posted by Lily

I love this man so much and i want him to get better. He is a beautiful person except for when he's drunk. He has had his heart ripped out and his life basically destroyed in the past and i think it's still haunting him. I want to show him he doesn't have to live like this to be happy but i don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely lost.

Any advice?

hi sweety.

your post really touched me and im not even from an alcoholic background. i do know a thing or two about addiction though, so i will comment on the addiction side of things.

first of all, this man is very lucky to have someone like yourself, who cares, who feels his pain, who is willing to help him to recover, and love him like you do. just sometimes, this is enough to help melt an addicts heart. love and understanding can be the key in an addicts recovery- not always mind you, but sometimes it can be the perfect replacement for ones love affair with alcohol/or even drugs.

going back to his family would be the biggest mistake of your fiancees life, and he will realize this. one would pray that he doesnt learn this the hard way.

one thing that helped me to break my addiction cycle, was to remove myself from everything and everyone. i moved interstate. now i understand that things are a little harder with alcohol because its so easily obtained, but maybe a break away somewhere out in the middle of nowhere would be of benefit to the pair of you. once the withdrawal is over, if he can muster some hope and determination, he could be a changed man.

this isnt always feesible in todays day and age, with work and what not, but if he realizes he has a problem and wants to change, then maybe you can help him to put an action plan together, and attempt to overcome it? if his ties with his family are very strong, then they might use this against you and continue to "help" him in a very "bad caring" manner.

maybe tell him you dont want to walk away from him, and try to hold onto his soul tenderly enough so as not to "force" him away from his "passion", but to gently push him in a new direction. it is for his benefit after all.

on the flipside, if hes not willing to help himself, then you need to be prepared for either the worst, or to simply walk away. this doesnt mean you dont care, it just means you cant care anymore because of the distress its causing you.

dunno if thats of any help, but its my 2 bobs worth on the matter. goodluck and i hope some positivity shines his way.

Reputation Comments on this post:

very nice post

[Sib]

His doctor should be able to prescribe him some meds to help with the detox and 'antibuse' which will make him violently ill if he drinks alcohol.

[Lily]

Originally Posted by Sib

His doctor should be able to prescribe him some meds to help with the detox and 'antibuse' which will make him violently ill if he drinks alcohol.

He has no doctor. I don't even know when the last time he went to the doctor was.

[oxyc]

Your fiance is very lucky to have you, but he cant see the damage he is causing in your relationship, i can see you are very frustrated and angry at this, swim is an alcoholic and he put his wife through the same, swim couldnt see any harm in it at the time but when he became sober he realised the pain he had caused and was/is extremely remorsful, alcoholism is an awful disease that destroys everything good about a person and anything good to do with them, the only way swim became sober was hitting absolute rock bottom and almost dying several times, Iam not saying this has to happen but swim would not accept any advice from anyone whilst he was drinking, in fact any critisism about his drinking made him drink more sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, its not until swim lost everything he realised what damage alcohol had caused

[vantranist]

You really need to stop him from buying alcohol... SWIM bets thats where all your moneys going.

SWIM is young, in his early 20's, and has been binge drinking for the past 2 months, he can easily take down a bottle of grey goose in a day. Keep in mind SWIM's only been drinking for 2 months, even so it still cost him like $30 a day to meet his needs. If ur mans been drinking for 6+ years hes gotta be spending tons on his addiction.

If you're only making $70-$100 a day, how can you spend $20-$40 on booze? you see my point?

You probably have already figared all this out by now.

Do everything you possibly can to get him to stop. Threaten to leave him if you have too. He doesn't need to stop completely(could be dangrous) at first, maybe you should try and reduce the amount he drinks slowly untill he can stop completely.

[Lily]

His friends give him alcohol, he doesn't have to pay for it. One of his friends has a bar in his backyard. There is always beer there.

I won't allow it in the house and i try to regulate his spending as best i can when he has a job. I shouldn't have to take his money but i'm afraid he's going to spend it all on booze.

Lily added 12 Minutes and 26 Seconds later...

Originally Posted by vantranist

Do everything you possibly can to get him to stop. Threaten to leave him if you have too. He doesn't need to stop completely(could be dangrous) at first, maybe you should try and reduce the amount he drinks slowly untill he can stop completely.

He has cut down. He used to drink 7 days a week and he can put a bottle of vodka away in a sitting and be fine. Thats when he had money though. When he has a steady job i believe he will go back to drinking constantly.

I've threatened him before. I don't know if he can remember because he was drunk.

He doesn't have the shakes or anything that i'm aware of. No signs of withdrawal. He never pukes from drinking or has hangovers. The only time he's ever puked is when someone makes him try a girly drink. Then he can continue drinking whatever he was and be fine. He has no limit.

He stops when he gets tired enough to fall asleep.

I've tried to regulate his drinking but he won't stop. He goes to his friends house and stays there all night. I tell him to come home and he says he will but it could be 2-6 hours before he does or not at all.

I'm apparently the bad guy in this situation because i'm the one going to these peoples houses and dragging him away at 4am. I'm not talking to anyone or starting a fight. I'm going there and getting him out.

I was recently bitched out by his best friends mother. This woman is in her later 40's/early 50s and has 6 children. She should not have a bar in her backyard. Her youngest child is 5. They don't need to see their daddy, brothers, and their friends being drunk and stupid in the backyard.

I was told that i was overreacting and yelled at in front of a bunch of people that i dont know.

I begged my fiance to come home but he was already drunk and didn't want to. I left him there. I didn't want to cry infront of everyone. I felt betrayed and rejected. He claims he just wanted to chill with his buddies.

He was almost kicked out. The only places he has to go is with one of his drunk friends or to his parents house. He would end up drinking himself to death in either place. No one cares about his problem besides me and my mother.

[ex-junkie]

he has to cut down the time he spends with these people, or hell never change. if hes not willing to do this of his accord, are you prepared to walk away?

[Rhin]

SWIMS mom has left his dad and swims dad was almost left again and probably will be sometime because he is an alcoholic. All SWIM has to say right now is if you marry this guy he isn't going to change and you will regret it and will be divorced within a few years. Alcoholics like that don't change, obviously he doesn't want to even though he might tell you he does. At any point he does tell you he wants to quit he is probably drunk.

If he doesn't change before the wedding make sure there isnt one.

[oxyc]

Swim thinks/knows that the only way to change him is to remove him from his present life of friends/drink or he wont ever stand a chance, he needs to be away from anything he associates drink with like old drinking pals, certain places where he usually opens a drink or it will torment him constantly, swim moved away from home for other reasons and managed to stop, when he met up with his old friend one weekend he started drinking again, its hard not to when you associate your time and drink with someone or a certain place or time,. everything needs to change, it seems he already accepts that syou dont approve as he drinks outside, this can be good as the one person he has dissasocated drink with will still be the same as before if not a lot more happier with him once he stops, this should give him hope, let him know you will be there for him through it if he decides to stop but this situation cannot go on, it WILL NOT last long if he carries on drinking its not fair on swyou, swyou deserves a life, alcohol affects everyone around its problem
Hope this helps and makes sense, good luck

oxyc added 17 Minutes and 21 Seconds later...

After reading syour posts again it seems that he doesnt see a problem with his drinking, he cant see why there is a problem, he needs a reason to stop if he cant see there is a problem he wont stop, lots of people drink every day sometimes a lot each day but they can carry on their lives, get up go to work come home drink there is no problem, swiyou needs to explain where the problem is, whether it be money, his health, your relationship and why its destroying it, it sounds like his friends think swiyou dont approve and are over reacting about his drinking, he needs a very good reason to stop, swim drank for years like this, swim didnt get violent on drink, he was happy when he was drunk, the only way swim stopped was when he was vommiting large amounts of blood and turning jaundice even then swim was snorting gin to stop the shakes, swim was halucinating extremely and it was only then swims wife got a doctor and an ambulance to get swim, swim told his wife up to this point he would leave her if she called a doctor and tried to convince her it was ok, swim hates hated himself for what he put his wife through afterwards and realises how much she went through swim owes his life to her

[w//e]

he has to cut down the time he spends with these people, or hell never change. if hes not willing to do this of his accord, are you prepared to walk away?

Your fiance needs to make the ultimate decision and the ultimate sacrifice to STOP. It wont work until he is ready to make the decision on his own.

If he doesn't change before the wedding make sure there isnt one.

Harsh, but true words you should heed.

Good luck with whatever you deicde.

[Lily]

Well after a few talks i finally got the FH to open up. He told me his reasons for keeping quiet and he does understand that he has a problem. He was hurt by my ultimatum and that i wrote his parents about this. I think he's more ashamed of the lack of response from his parents.


I told him i couldn't make him quit. If he were to quit for me he could just go back to drinking.


I talked to him about seeing a substance abuse therapist, and he has an appointment today.(29th) I kept reminding him that this is for himself.

I just hope it works.



Thank you for all of your opinions.

[ex-junkie]

inside every addict there is potential, and the people around them get so frustrated because they know what they are really like, these things shine through unconditionally. swim is grateful for those around her who never failed to see the good in her when she was at her utmost fucked.

@lily, from the outside looking in, the fact your fiancee is aware of his problem, admitted he has a problem is a huge step forward. that is basically step one over and done with, and if hes willing to get counselling as you say, and is willing to deal with his situation, then you couldnt have hoped for a better outcome (at this point).

[rokman nash]

All you can do is provide support and understanding. He has admitted to having a problem, which is a big step towards a (hopefully) positive resolution. Your love and caring shines through in your posts. Maybe he will feel this and it will help him do this for himself.


Good Luck Good Thoughts