Tough love? Unconditional love? for addict....

[creative]

I'm a parent of a Xanax addict and I'm looking for any advice from those who have been on either side of this issue?. Tough love? Unconditional love? Not sure what to do. He goes on binges where he's like a zombie and he starts stealing, stumbling, passing out. He's been through rehab twice, now he's home, turns 21 today and can't/won't move out.

Reputation Comments on this post:

A courageous and caring question.

[sandoz1943]

The painful truth is an addict will only stop when they are ready to stop. They have to want it for themselves or they will just relapse over and over again. You will have to decide how much you are willing to put up with and where you will draw the line. I would never let my child go hungry but I wont support his bad habits and poor decisions. I wont allow his addiction to pull me down as well. However he knows when he is ready and when he needs ME not my money or my support (other than emotional) I am here for him. When he is ready I will do everything to be sure he has access to the help he will need to get clean. I wont judge him or drown him in " I told you so's" As much as it breaks your heart as a mother you have to allow him to fall on his face and deal with the consequences of the choices he has made. My heart goes out to you and I wish you and your son all the best. It wont be easy. Just let him know that you love him and remember all the love and goodness that you put in to raising him and hold on to the faith that you raised him to be strong and smart enough that when the time comes he will make the choice to be clean again.

[wespawloski]

SWIM had one experience where he lost a day of his life... He didn't want to go back...

But the problem is... Its so easy. So so easy to fall under her spell. one takes a few, he feels great; takes a few more, feels better; takes a few more, wakes up the next day after downing way too many pills. Once one reached that point of benzodiazipine bliss, he really, truely, becomes a zombie. SWIM took way too many at like 10pm, he was using these guys to fall asleep! He was up till 2am writing bad poetry. Its not his fault, if its happened repeadedly, he will feel irritated without them.

You've got to get rid of his pills... it sounds like hes prepared to leech off you financially and residentially.

I know its a long shot, but try to get him into psychotherapy. There could be some reason he wants to drop out of life, not just abuse a drug.

Reputation Comments on this post:

It almost sounds like you are suggesting that the parent destroy or hide the son's stash, which could be very dangerous ...

[rokman nash]

My friend Dave had a family member addicted to Alprazolam(xanax). This is a very tough and dangerous situation to deal with. If as mentioned rehab has not helped, then the options available diminish.

Any addict, regardless of the DOC, has to come to their own conclusion that its time to stop.Dave speaks from personal experience that you can not stop for anyone other than yourself.At 21 you should be responsible enough to take care of your problems. Tough love is the only option in Daves humble opinion. If one has another to clean up after them why make a change?

It becomes a cycle of enabling, that once started, is almost impossible to stop. Once someone becomes responsible for their own actions, they will either make it through or fail miserably. Its a situation where its sink or swim period. You can't continue to beat yourself up over this. The pain and heartache thats been endured will only get worse. At 21 you have done, and taught the life lessons(hopefully), that your son should have learned.

It gives Dave no pleasure to write this, but you must face the reality that your son has made. He must make a decision to do this for himself, there is nothing else you can do.

Good luck, good thoughts

[creative]

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm seeing a pattern in the responses so far - and I know it is sink or swim time for him. I need to be prepared for the worse case scenario. A wreck, PI, jail.... A friend kicked her kid out last year and he OD and died a few weeks later. She will never forgive herself. This is my fear, but maybe she enabled for too long. Just what ifs and fear on my part.

[ex-junkie]

Originally Posted by creative

I'm a parent of a Xanax addict and I'm looking for any advice from those who have been on either side of this issue?. Tough love? Unconditional love? Not sure what to do. He goes on binges where he's like a zombie and he starts stealing, stumbling, passing out. He's been through rehab twice, now he's home, turns 21 today and can't/won't move out.

ah its sorta in between unconditional love and tough love. there is good caring, bad caring, good not caring, and bad not caring.

good caring is allowing yourself to be there for him if he needs you. for example, whilst he is at your place, you know he is safe. you can keep a watchful eye on him and his health, make sure he eats, and has a roof over his head.

good not caring, is not providing him with funds to get xanax. if he asks for money to pay bills, and you want to help him, take the bill and pay it yourself. if its cigarettes for example, go and get them for him. at least that way you know youre not contributing to his problem. also dont take him to get any xanax- unless its a daily taper amount.

bad caring is taking him to get xanax, or providing him with the funds to do so. if hes having horrid withdrawals, then go to a doctor with him and organize a taper plan to wean him off, and make sure he has to pick it up daily from a chemist. addicts cannot under any circumstances be trusted with full prescriptions.

bad not caring is not being there for him at all. even though you dont agree with what hes doing, im sure youll worry about his safety if hes out on his own. he cant look after himself in this state.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Helpful reply. A taper was finally mentioned.

[gmeziscool2354]

Swim knows someone very much like that. He hasn't talks to him in a while cause of his drug/legal trouble

[Dickon]

It's a really tough one creative. My cat has been addicted to benzodiazepines (drugs such as Alprazolam/Xanax) and has lived in that stuporous state you describe. He'd wake up in the morning and take a handful of sleeping pills just to get out of bed. His doses escalated to crazy levels, and he even had a fit when trying to stop cold-turkey once. The good news is that he doesn't use them, or anything else any more. These drugs are possible to get off, and with luck your son will decide that's what he wants at some stage.

I have no clear answer as to what who ought to do. There are the 12-steppers who would say, kick him out, tell him you're here for him when and if he wants to stop. The theory behind this approach is that someone needs to reach a point where the cons of using far outweigh the pros before theey decide to quit. So, providing a roof, meals, etc. will mean that your son's drug use is maintainable in comfort, and he is shielded from the "naked" consequences of his actions. The concept of having to hit a "rock bottom" may be familiar to you.

Conversely, there is an other approach. Provide support and nurturing, and with luck your son will "grow out" of his addiction. By providing support and nurturing you minimise potentially serious or even fatal consequences, and are able to be around and capable of intervention if necessary.

Benzodiazepines, if used for a long time, can be notoriously hard to quit, and need to be tapered slowly, ideally under medical supervision. The good news is that fatal overdoses are unlikely unless other drugs or quantities of alcohol are involved.

Unfortunately, even with all the will in the world, one is limited in what one can do. I wish I could be more helpful.

Best wishes

Dickon

[missparkles]

Tough love is exactly what it says. Sometimes swiy has to do things that are difficult.
One of swims kids was messing with drugs and eventually had nowhere to live and asked if he could stay at swims flat whilst swim wasn't there. Swim knew this would allow him to carry on with his destructive behaviour so swim said no. It was the hardest, most painful decision swim has ever made.
Swims son hit rock bottom, the only way was up.
Luckily it was the shock he needed and he's doing well now.
It could have gone the other way.
But swims son was over 18 and as such had to begin to take responsibility for his own life.
Swim has always told her kids she loves them and would give her life for them, but she doesn't always like them.
Perhaps explaining just how swiy feels, giving swiys son a choice and then going with the decision if things do go wrong, would be a good idea?
But always make sure swiys son knows that this is about love, not punishment.
At least swiy gets the opportunity to voice the feelings swiy has, swiy might feel a little better.
Swim wishes you all the best.