(Acceptance) Step One Help

[stephy171072]

In few days Swim is once again going to try and detox herself off of heroin. Swim has already been to rehab once to do this and whilst there learnt all about the 12 step program which she is going to try and follow. Now here is the most ridiculous thing ever swim no matter how much she try's cant accept that she is an addict. This is one of the main reasons rehab failed because she couldn't accept the first step even though all of the evidence goes tot eh conterary.Swun has been taking heroin IV for almost two years and lost her family, her job, her home, her friends, her place at university, a serious amount of money, now has a criminal record, she has lost all of her belongings and been through some really really horrific experiences but still for some INSAIN reason she still has that little voice at the back of her head saying, "you could quit if you really wanted to the only reason you haven't is because you don't want to yet." or "You can control your use without it getting out of control because your not really an addict." There is a million and one reasons swim can come up with to herself to justify her behaviour even though swim knows it truly is insane. Now swim fears that she will fail again with this detox if she cannot get past this first step. If anyone out there could help swim she would be eternally grateful.

[Spucky]

Is it more that swiny don`t want to fail her own Promisis and to be "total Helpless"
or that she cant accept the Social stigma of being a "Junkie"?

The 12 Step-Program is not bad and helped many People for a long Time
but also it is not the "Golden Tonic" for everyone.

Swim don`t agree with the Point that we stay addicted until our Death ,
there is no reason to think in that Way!

Some People, like Swim, have more "Luck" to think that Heroin will never Run away,
that it is always there- no matter where i am.
Swim is just doing a Break to heal and licking the Wounds in his Soul (now already a very long Time)
Is that understandable, Swim cant speak English so well!

[rokman nash]

Is swim planning on detoxing on their own? Up at the top of this page is a how to guide to opiate detox that can be very helpful.Getting ones mind in the right place, and finding the inner strength to do this alone is very difficult.But with enough mental strength and perseverance it can be done.

If there are any resources available to swim, use whatever it takes to make it through the acute phase of WDs.After that counselling, or meetings can really help swim stay on the right path.

This is a great place to vent or express problems/feelings, and can be beneficial to recovery.

Good luck Good thoughts

[Dickon]

Hmmm......tricky. There are so many angles to this type of thing. OK, first my own perspective. I have a cat who's spent almost 3 1/2 years in 12 step based recovery. Two periods of 2 years and 18 months. Both relapses were partly because he was struggling with that kind of question. He figured he could use in a controlled way. It didn't work out for him. That's not to say it invariably and inevitably won't work for you. I'm not dogmatic about this, but I do think, given what you've said, there's a vanishingly small chance this won't work out.

My cat cleaned up 7 months ago, and this time he didn't go to NA, but used DF, and did go an aftercare service for a couple of months after he'd got over the w.d. Not because he thought he needed to, but because he wanted to, and mostly because there were free massages involved!

This time round, as He's not working the steps, he don't have to concern myself with such questions as "am I an addict for life?" or even "am I an addict?". It doesn't, when all is said and done matter. He is happier and does more interesting things when off opiates and other drugs. I think there's a good chance a fair bit or even total recovery can be effected. But the idea of taking heroin after being addicted to opiates is an almost sure-fire sign that recovery has not taken place. So there's a kind of catch 22 situation: sure you can recover to an extent where you could use heroin recreationally. However if you got to that point you'd be wise/sensible/etc. enough to realise this is really stupid.

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you went to rehab to quit, if you weren't at that moment addicted, and could simply stop? This is perhaps a good instance of powerlessness. I was replying on here the other day to someone saying, I think quite wrongly, that when using drugs it's a decision one makes to do it. I do think there is a grain of truth in this though, and the word powerless needs to be understood dynamically. There is an interplay between one's power and one's powerlessness. Maybe, if you're into that kind of thing, think of it as yin and yang. yin will exhaust itself and become yang which will exhaust itself and become yin. There are days one can be strong and have the power, but others where one can't.

I could waffle on about this 'til the cows come home, but you're behaviours, as described above, are those of an addict. They are not the rational choices of someone just looking for a bit of fun.

Acceptance is a great thing: but I don't think it needs to encompass a judgment of the kind "I am an addict". A better acceptance would be "I accept that I am an addict if I am addict." Acceptance by its very nature is not really acceptance when it is "I accept that I am the most wonderful person in the world, I am this, I am that." or the reverse of this. That's more a mental projection of the ego.

I wish you all luck stopping, and we're here to help. Get whatever support you can and feel right, but remember, there is not only one model of addiction, and you don't need to take on board the 12 steps to get well. There are one or two on here who do work a 12-step programme, quite a lot who are opposed to it, and there is me, who's cat misses his days in the fellowship, but worries that dogma is not good for him. He might go back one day, or might not. He knows if he does spending time doing recovery his own way and learning about other models of addiction will mean he'll not see NA in the same way if he does go back.

Be right! Believe in yourself. But remember how easy it is to be in denial too. For one thing clean up for 6 months or a year and then decide if you're an addict. Or even clean up just for today, and have another look at things tomorrow! Knowing the answers to these kind of questions is usually a sign of ignorance! Being ignorant about these questions is more likely a sign of wisdom.

Ah.....I'm prattling on again! It would be great to know what others think about this.

Be well and be good(-ish!)

Dickon

[ex-junkie]

Originally Posted by stephy171072

that little voice at the back of her head saying, "you could quit if you really wanted to the only reason you haven't is because you don't want to yet." or "You can control your use without it getting out of control because your not really an addict." There is a million and one reasons swim can come up with to herself to justify her behaviour even though swim knows it truly is insane.

the first step is recognizing that swiy is making these justifications to score. they are just stupid excuses. anything will do, as long as it "justifies" the use. have a think about it though, does anything really justify spending the rent money, or hocking the tv, or stealing something?

the answer is always going to be no. what is it really worth in the end? a few hours high in your life, followed by more torment until the next opportunity presents itself.

that voice is the equivalent of the devil, and its always gonna be there- if you keep giving into it.

that is not swiy. that is not swiys conscience either. its pure evil. (in a non religious way). take every opportunity swiy can, to be disgusted with it for taunting her, for taking away everything that means something to her.

when swiy goes to rehab, try to keep away from others, because theyll just sit incessantly drooling over their desires to use drugs, and in turn, that voice will come back more than it would otherwise. dont make friends, dont plan to meet up with people. that is a massive fail. swim has been there, done that.

more so, dont fear the "reaper". recognize it for what it is. it wants to hold you back. it wants you to fail so it can keep controlling you. it wants you to be its slave. declare war on the cunt, and abolish it in the only way possible... do the rehab, dont use opiates again, have a meaningful life, be all that you can and more.

goodluck.

[greeneyedmonster]

great post ,swim agrees with swiy completely on staying away from befriending new pals while dtoxing ,you end up sitting there talking about,wanting to score and generally thinking about the things that got you in there,admitting swiy was a junkie was easy ,swiy could tell, by the time nobody would talk or trust swiy or help in any way! swiy had a problem ,a big one ,one that wouldnt just be dissmissed

[missparkles]

The fact that Stephy has said she's gonna try detoxing...yet again, means she has accepted she's an addict. That's it...done. Wasn't too hard was it?
Sparkles thinks sometimes people make recovery too difficult, stress over the small details, but that is addiction, it keeps you so bogged down in the "why" and the "how", actually quitting gets lost.
Acceptance for Sparkles means not justifying, not looking for answers, just letting it go. It's easy, when still using, to intellectualise the problem, which is just another form of denial.
It was when she got clean that this became clearer, she had to just do it and trust that she was gonna have the answers afterwards. But looking back it wasn't such a huge leap of faith. She knew that drugs had ruined her life, she knew that anything would be better than addiction. She was scared, which was natural. Drugs had become so familiar to her, the pain of addiction had become comfortable, it's all she knew, she didn't wanna let it go. But eventually clean time became familiar and comfortable, using became scary. It takes time and effort to turn it around, but it can be done.
Sparkles is aware that this thread is quite old, but she hopes that her experience of addiction can help someone else.
Take care.
Sparkles.

[Sib]

Silence that 'little voice' or you'll loose all you have left, your life. We don't want that (: