Journal - A Confused Person - 2,000 Words

[BoyInTheCountry]

The Subject shall be called Waterloo.
　
The Issue

Waterloo does not fully understand his own mentality or the position he’s in and would greatly like a further understanding of it before Waterloo get’s too dependant on it all and either ends up somewhere he does not want to be or become fully dependant on it all and realise he has pissed everything up the wall or done something incredibly stupid.

A Little Background

Waterloo has recently turned 18 and is actually in his final week of school, Waterloo has an unconditional (this means regardless of his grade they will give him a place as they liked his portfolio so much) offer for an art based course next year at university so that’s what he will be doing next year. Waterloo has been in a relationship for the last few years with the same girl and is living in a perfectly stable happy household. On paper everything seems fine this is the main reason he does not understand the situation he is in and why he does the things he does for an escape….

The Drugs

So Waterloo first tried a drug when he was 15 and the drug was weed at some party he was already very drunk at this party, Waterloo has never actually touched weed since then which will probably surprise some people. To be honest he found alcohol more exciting than weed. Alcohol is probably the first issue to touch upon, when ever Waterloo and friends would go out he would always be the one that was off his face which resulted in him being a very loud and annoying person, Waterloo doesn’t know why he always got so drunk he was not an un-confident person in fact he has heaps of confidence however Waterloo is shy, he’s not outwardly confident and is quite quiet but does have the confidence with in. Anyways even these days he still proceeds to drink the most when he goes out but it doesn’t result in me being loud or anything anymore he will normally carry on as normal despite being very drunk now days after 3 bottles of wine Waterloo will not be able to see straight and what not but is not loud or annoying what so ever he could probably pass himself of as sober if he wished and tried hard.

First sort of addiction was probably when he was about 16 3/4 and it was too painkillers. He had been going out with this girlfriend for about a year she had no problem with his drinking as although when Waterloo did drink it was heavy it wasn’t regular or anything it would just tend to be the weekends and then one other night during the week. She had always said though that if he did drugs she would dump him straight away or even if he smoked she would dump him…. Probably why Waterloo has never done weed again. Anyway about this one year mark they started having quite heavy arguments from time to time, neither of them wanted to end the relationship though as they did love each other very much and still do she was just very paranoid about things, like other girls she would go mental if he even just talked to another girl she classed as being a 'slag' or whatever and its only recently she’s stopped doing this altogether. Anyway after these arguments he would normally when he got home take about 4 painkillers he doesn’t know if it was just a placebo effect or what but they seemed to numb Waterloo slightly. For the next year or so Waterloo used to take roughly 8 painkillers a day, nobody knows about this but Waterloo and me. This addiction has stopped now probably to make way for his other habits.

The next addiction would be speed, ecstasy and MDMA which Waterloo started taking when he was 17 his motivation for taking these was just a urge to have a good time when he went out. He wanted to enjoy music, socialising and simple things more he wanted to be able to stay up all night with out getting sleepy, to this day if not going out he wont go to bed till about 2 and then we get up at half 6, obviously this is even more extreme if he is going out he normally just doesn’t sleep. These drugs were also very easy to conceal so he could take them out without his girlfriend finding them. He had an awesome time when under the influence of these drugs and found even if he still had a bottle or two of wine when he was on them he was still pretty quiet and liberal he may dance a bit more and talk a bit more rubbish but people just think its the effect of drink he’s never done anything out of the ordinary. His girlfriend has never noticed anything either, she spotted his pupils once but he just stated that he didn’t know what was wrong with it and that it does it some time (Waterloo has a naturally blood shot eye so he said it was something to do with that). He has only ever had 1 bad experience on these drugs and it was a particularly cold Saturday night, he took a load of ecstasy in-between 6 when he finished work and 9 when him and his girlfriend left the house, him and his girlfriend met after work and we went back to Waterloo’s for drinks before leaving for this party, on the way to the parties he started getting really cold and shivery but nothing to bad. Waterloo arrived at the party at about 9:45 and hoped it would be warm unfortunately it wasn’t they had all the doors windows etc.... open he was still cold but nothing more than anyone else. It was about 11 when it got bad he lost all feeling in his left fingers and his hands went blue and got VERY VERY cold indeed he had to return to the bathroom every 20 minutes or so to run his hands under the hot tap, he then proceeded sit in the kitchen and slam straight whisky down my neck to warm himself up, despite this he never felt that intoxicated that night. Even when he returned home and got in bed at 4 he was still a shivering wreck when he got out of bed at 7:30 he started to get better, he didn’t sleep at all he normally doesn’t when on these pills. Anyway that’s the only bad experience Waterloo has had, he’s pretty sure it was caused by the drugs but it was nothing that would stop him using them.

More recently the last 6 months or so he started taking speed during the day just as like a wake-up. He didn’t and still cant really see any downside to it, it makes him feel wide awake all day and helps him get own with work, exercise and everything, Waterloo is sure medically it is terrible for him but he is as yet to have felt a downside to it although he’s sure his body and muscles are screaming for a rest. The problem is before he took it during the day he would feel tired and not be able to concentrate and get own with work. Just to clear up that last little section he does no take it everyday the most he will take it is 2 days in a row but he will normally stay up those 2 days then Waterloo will have a day just relaxing around the house so its not like a constant 24/7 thing. Once again no body knows about this.

Also in place of speed if there is none Waterloo will sometimes take caffeine pills and have roughly 400mg per sitting but Waterloo find’s these do very little to pick him up and have more adverse effects than any drug he takes. However he still finds himself taking roughly 600-800mg caffeine per day.

His most recent new party drug is cocaine which he will take when he goes out too parties and what not. Once again its easy to conceal and he can disappear to the toilet quickly and that’s him set. His taking of cocaine is probably the thing he’s least worried about as it’s the one drug he thinks he could live easiest with out. Waterloo doesn’t really care what so ever when he has no cocaine when he has no ecstasy or MDMA though he will often simply not go out for nights out and stuff until he gets it back as he doesn’t think he will have a good time with out it. Cocaine he will have on a night out if Waterloo has some if not then he’s just like so what. Again no one knows about this.

The newest drug Waterloo has found is Opium. He buy’s the pods and then grinds them into a powder and stores them that way. He does not use this drug when he is going out as Waterloo has heard of its dangers when used along side other things. He uses Opium more as day time thing to help keep him mellowed out and happy for the rest of the day and boy does it do that, AND again no one knows.

Additional Background Information

Okay so Waterloo doesn’t really see drugs as a big deal he just see’s them as another thing like alcohol, a cigarette, food whatever really! Their there and if their going to help you have a good time or do something why not take them? Waterloo’s parents obviously don’t know he’s taking these drugs but they have never really said drugs are bad don’t do them they’ve always been quite open about drugs and just kind of said if you do do them be careful. Well Waterloo’s mum that is he donesn’t really talk to his dad (step dad that is but he’s been there since Waterloo was born his real dad took off apparently who knows) a whole lot Waterloo donesn’t know why, its not that they don’t get along they just don’t really talk. His girlfriends parents on the other hand are strictly against drugs and when Waterloo says strictly he means it, this is probably why his girlfriends attitude towards drugs is the way it is. They wouldn’t even let her watch Train spotting the other day when Waterloo said “oh lets watch it the cause it’s a good movie” they said “we’ve never seen and don’t want too we’d rather you didn’t it’s a horrible movie“. So yeah Waterloo doesn’t know about that. Just some more information for you there.

Why Does Waterloo Do Them?

Waterloo is not entirely sure himself. He loves having a good time and is a very open minded person. He wants to try and to do as much as he can in his lifetime as possible, whether it be travelling, trying new substances whatever really, so Waterloo just see’s drugs as another thing to try and he happens to enjoy them. He also hates being bored and he finds days when he doesn’t do drugs pretty boring, he has no energy and doesn’t feel too creative. So yeah, boredom, attempts to boost creativity, following the rock and roll image he doesn’t know why he does drugs really? Waterloo also loves this idea of everything being romanticised in the world and things being cinematic which in reality there not but drugs seem to make things closer to how he would like them.

Waterloo’s Concerns

Okay so his main concerns are the whole secretive issue, this issue haunts Waterloo more than anything medical. The fact that no one knows he does drugs, his family, friends, girlfriend kind of bugs him. Not that he wants to show it off or anything its just the fact that he has to keep it secret he doesn’t like. Waterloo doesn’t really care about family and friends knowing so much its more his girlfriend. Waterloo would hate for her to ‘find out’ he know’s for a fact it would be relationship over. Waterloo would love to be able to sit her down and have a talk to her about but she is not one of the most rational people and once again he know’s as soon as the words “look Waterloo does drugs” before he would get a chance to explain anything once again it would be relationship over, Waterloo doesn’t want this to happen though because he loves her very much, at the same time though he doesn’t want to have to stop taking drugs simply because she is narrow minded and believes they are evil.

Also recently Waterloo has been having days when he just feels massively fatigued and or really down, also there have been nights when even when he hasn’t taken anything he has simply tossed and turned all night with out sleeping. Also during the day even when he’s taken nothing Waterloo has been incredibly irritable and restless and is unable to sit still. Also Waterloo doesn’t know whether this is because of drugs or not but he has only been into school twice in the last 2 weeks and with exams around the corner he knows this is stupid but Waterloo just doesn’t really care anymore now that he has an unconditional offer for next year he just finds school very very boring and doesn’t enjoy it what so ever, he doesn’t get to be creative or anything it just dulls him, he would rather stay at home listening to music and creating artworks. He doesn’t want to just piss everything up the wall though and have had the last 2 years of sixth form to have been a waste.

Waterloo apologises about the length of this and if it just seems like a confused collection of thoughts he just really feels as if he needed to get this out there and get some thoughts and opinions and advice his situation.

There is probably much much more Waterloo could and probably should have written but Waterloo feels these are the most important things.

Waterloo would like to thank you very much for you reading and responding if you do.

Waterloo says thank you all for your time.

Waterloo would also like to mention he is not nesecerially looking to quite drugs would just like to know why it is people think he is taking them and what they think of his situation etc…..

[madfan]

From reading all of swiys posts,swim gathers that swiy has used opiates for the first time today.
Swim strongly advises swiy to make it a one off & resist the temptation to use them again.
Swim could list all the pitfalls,& warn swiy of the horrors of opiate withdrawals.She thinks,however that it would do little to persuade swiy against using opiates again.
She will say however,that if swiy continues to use them,she believes its inevitable that his girlfriend will find out.Because unless she is totally without powers of observation she will surely see the difference in swiy.
How can she miss pinpoint pupils,constant scratching of nose & gouching?
Swim knows swiy does not want to hear this,but she thinks it sounds as if he has an addictive personality(& believe swim,she knows about that!)& if he doesn`t get his act together pdq he`s gonna screw up.
Swiy doesn`t want to waste all that potential or spend his life looking back in regret.