Experiences - Small dose of Diphenhydramine, big dose of empty...

[wespawloski]

SWIM will recount his experience last night with Benedryl (Diphenhydramine HCl). He will most notably talk about the negatives of the experience.

SWIM is an abnormal case, he has a severe case of non-clinical depression; his daily amphetamine only helps him to not embrace all of his cynical thoughts. He is depressed in the literal sense, think acetylcholine. This may attributre to his experience, but he really doubts anyone really hallucinates anyway; but instead make up stories to correspond with slight happenings (Oh look! look at that table. It looks like a deer... Im going to tell everyone I hallucinated a deer!) - no offence to anyone interended. Anyway...

T + 0:00 : takes 6 benedryl, 25 mg each. Makes some tea, goes outside to smoke

T + 0:05 : Smokes a rolled cigarette, placebo affect is taking hold :P

T + 0:20 : Slight changes, SWIM decides to go smoke some pot and somewhat he will pass out. He insuffilates 250mg of naproxyn, the psychosomatic pain in his neck is coming on, and he reasons the minimal effects of naproxyn will also be beneficial to his trip

T + 0:30 : heads next door, gets in a bowl or two. As he is chilling, he feels the THC come on. Its stong, but not abnormal. He can feel the beginnings of the benedryl come on.

T + 0:45 : As he lays back, he starts to feel tired... he is departing reality. He cajoles himself into finally getting up, and makes it back home fine. He walks through the hall, and notices the yellow light is green on some parts of the walls. As he steps in the door, he realizes he is lucky he got out... He would not want to be there as this drug steps in.

T + 0:50 : It hits him head on, he is warped. Things in his room are visually flowing, he is out of it consciously. He climbs into bed and decides to try and sleep, he is feeling iritated and ashamed of himself, he feels bad for this stupid decision. He fumbles his music on and lays back.

T + 1:00 he gave up on his music, it wasnt enjoyable and his player dropped. He hears his roommates out in their living room talking, he starts trying to understand what they are doing. Things in his room are warping, he doesn't care though, they are boring. Its just warping, nothing special. He sees slight hallucinations, things will show up in his vision and be gone when he turns. He looks out his window, the orange light from the pathway (he is on campus) casts an eary glow. He sees a zombieish aparition crawl on the corner of his window, but it is not significant; and disappears almost as instantly as it came.

T + 1:30 : He can understand the bits of conversation coming from the living room, and pieces together a story of his roommate doing opiates via IV (may, or may not, be true. His roomie has syringes close to a belt, but these are part of a tooth whitening package...) He doesn't know whats going on, he lays back and trys to make the best of by enjoying the hallucinations. He has some thoughts about how much of an idiot he is, but other than that, he is empty.

T + 2:00 : a blue light coming from his computer power source casts a light on the textured wall. Textures always give SWIM visuals, and he finds the part of wall which has light on it. The pure blue light turns into a rainbow of changing colors... He creates stories and movies on the wall with many different colors defining parts of the images, he can control these somewhat. Forms take definite shape, he can clearly see the visuals as distinct items and their movements. (SWIM has done this quite often when he trips like this, he creates a star-warsish scene of two starships flying and attacking eachother). He gets up to check what is going on in his living room, makes slight conversation - he is not significantly imparied. He returns to his room after getting some water.

T + 2:30 : He is bored, he wants to go to sleep. He can't get out, he closes his eyes which helps. But, he quickly shifts to conscious-driven visuals, as if he was dreaming. They are vivid, but not clear.

T + 3:00 : SWIM decides to masturbate... he heard orgasms were amazing (SWIM is only human :[ ) and he hopes it will help him sleep. He hears voices outside, he cannot see anyone in his field of vision, but he thinks he may have been caught. The resultting orgasm is good... He feels his ejaculation is slightly funny, not all of it shot out... (thats descriptive enough :/ ) With that over with, he lays back down to try and sleep. He realizes he can move the pain in his brain, by conscious direction. This has happened once before, but with orgasmic pleasure (thanks, THC).

T + 3:30 : Visuals are lessening (he has given up focusing on them), he resumes listening to his roommate and friends. SWIM is really really scared they are doing something to his stuff, or that they are planning to humiliate SWIM somehow (relating back to his thoughts of being... caught), or that they will come into his room, hold him down, and inject him with opiates. He is scared, he formulates plans of action if something happened. When a noise would occur outside his room, SWIM would jump up in shock, ready to fight and run.

T + 3:45 : He lays down, his brain really hurts near the left-occipital hemisphere alligned dorsally . Its a significant pain, he just fights through it. He employs breathing techniques, he trys to shut out the brain activity. He calms himself slightly, ignores the thoughts about being injected to his death. He sets his alarm, and finally falls asleep.

Next day : He wakes up at 10:00, only to have overslept by three hours. He missed his morning class (yes, SWIM is silly for doing this... he had stupid motives) He mulls around about the night before, his brain is still very uncomfortable, he is drowsy. He watches Scrubs for an hour and half, takes a shower, takes his daily 70mg vyvanse, and heads to his class. He cannot focus, music appreciation is hindered, computer games are uninteresting, the class is passing by him (he already has a guaranteed A, so he usually fucks around with his laptop anyway). Cognition is slightly impaired, his slight dyslexia is enhanced. His brain feels, for the most part, functional... He is just slightly more absent. He goes to his next class (another guarnteed A) and checks out this forum :P all period. That brings him to the current moment, he is definitely feeling better. Thank god for the amphetamine and recent, he is bairly functioning as it is. Brain still agitated in the occipital region (right hemisphere / parietal now).

Retrospect : SWIM's experience may have sounded fun, but it was not. It was not bad, but SWIM could feel what was happening to him. He was lying there, staring at the wall, for minutes on end. The warping vision, theres never been a positive experience with that except while SWIM has been on "LSD" (god knows what it was, but he had similar effects). It was pointless, SWIM couldnt help picturing someone who would enjoy doing this recreationally, falling into this stupor of complete and utter uselessness. The hallucinations were somewhat interesting, but SWIM didn't care about them. He didn't care about them due to the drug's effects; he kept connected to facts of their construction, somewhat ashamed and apathetic.

It wasn't a horrible experience, it just was so incredibly boring. SWIM was too disconnected to do anything, and everything flew by in a blur. His cognition was so imparied, all he could do was use it to shape what he wanted to visualize, and then inspect the uselessness of it. He was not dilerious, he was instead not present. his conscious was taking in all that was going on, and it was ashamed, bored, and wanted to escape the situation. He couldn't tell the validity of auditory stimulation, the mix of hallucination and reality was undecipherable. SWIM couldnt escape, he was stuck watching a bad movie. He has sat through bad movies without necessarily wanting to leave... He wanted to get out of this one.

Go ahead and try this medication if you want... SWIM kept cursing himself for commiting to experience a downer, stupid, stupid, stupid