Addiction - What has Heroin stopped SWIY from doing?

[BrownStreakRailroad]

SWIM recently went to go on holiday and had to back out due to his heroin addiction. this is not the first time SWIM has had to cancel activities due to addiction for example he left college because of it and has lost good jobs and girlfriends because of it. SWIM wonders what are SWIY'r biggest regrets and failures due to heroin addiction??????? to start SWIM's worst regret is his ex partner having an abortion due to his heroin addiction.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Good topic of discussion
	Great thread and great for looking at ones life.

[chillinwill]

Some of Red Rock's biggest regrets due to his heroin addiction are not attending his grandfather's funeral (he was fairly close to him as well but had to go score in order to deal with the pain), not completing his engineering degree at one of the top engineering schools in the country, as well as stealing from his parents. These are probably some of the biggest things that Red Rock regrets but he also remembers not hanging out with friends or going places because of being in withdrawal or waiting for the "dudeman" to call.

[Esmerelda]

Originally Posted by BrownStreakRailroad

SWIM recently went to go on holiday and had to back out due to his heroin addiction.

I sympathise. Swie got readdicted to heroin a couple of months or so ago. Her two best friends live in Paris and she was meant to be visiting them this month but can't be sure of being able to get heroin while there, and doesn't want to risk taking it over the border. She's really lucky because they're going to come and see her instead in a couple of weeks, but she feels guilty about not getting up the strength to take a break from the gear long enough to go and see them.

Aside from telling lies at the start of her addiction (which she's stopped doing) heroin hasn't really resulted in any behaviour she regrets. Her biggest regret is that she has a lung condition which she could have recovered from years ago, but which has become chronic due to her unhealthy habits. She also regrets the worry she causes people.

[ex-junkie]

swim used to play in a band that was negotiating a signing with warner music, when she was 17.

she fell 3 or 4 modules short of completing office administration certificates 2, 3 and 4.

she wasted almost her entire 20s being on smack, in essence, wasting her youth.

she snapped out of it at 27, shortly before she turned 28, and all of a sudden she was ten years older, and emotionally ten years younger. pretty fucked.

[C-Saint]

SWIM is in recovery now, and has not done an opiate since first week of November.

That said, heroin completely derailed swim from his college education. SWIM was nearly finished with little under a year left in school and due to being at the peak of his addiction he often skipped class in the morning due to sickness, and eventually just gave up on school.

Luckily, SWIM has signed up for Fall term and will be returning with a new vigor.


Also, addiction TOTALLY disrupted SWIM's vacation (holiday for you UK'ers) last summer. SWIM obviously couldn't bring enough to last him and nasty withdrawals set in! Worst time ever, in SUCH a beautiful place! Terrible...

[Hapworth]

SWIM got into opiates hoping to improve his creativity, but opies--and smack in particular--just keep him from being productive in general. Otherwise, H has prevented him from accumulating any sort of savings in the bank account, as well as prevented him from having a healthy marriage.

[kant]

Originally Posted by Hapworth

SWIM got into opiates hoping to improve his creativity, but opies--and smack in particular--just keep him from being productive in general. Otherwise, H has prevented him from accumulating any sort of savings in the bank account, as well as prevented him from having a healthy marriage.

Opiates and creativity is a topic I am immensely interested in. What do you do? An obvious guess would be writing, but do tell.

[Spucky]

Once Swim was living in the South of Portugal,
he had a nice House with a beautiful Vegetable-Garden,
500 Square-meters .
Potato, Onions and Garlic, Aubergine and Cucumbers, all this Stuff.
It was so hard Work but then he decide to leave at Night
to feed his Habit in Lisboa.
When he returned after a Week everything was gone!

Not much to eat that Winter!

[Junkhead23]

Where to start

Lost his job down to heroin
Overdosed and contracted pneumonia
Heroin slowly eroded his morals
Lost friends
Lied to family and friends
Stole to feed habit (from shops not people)
Backed out of going to a festival cos couldn't get smack
Backed out of many many things actually for said reason. Was supposed to be going to the lake district last month but fucked it off cos he couldnt get any gear for 2 days!

[Roscco]

God, where should swim start?? 99% of list obove applies to swim in one way or another. Opiates are the single worst decision that swim has made.......

[dyingtomorrow]

The only thing Heroin stopped SWIM from doing is making/having/saving money.

This in turn directly caused all of the problems SWIM has.

[On The Nod]

This all due to the fact that h is illegal not down to the actual opiate itself...

SWIMs gets it from a doc now (although morphine Sulphate) and its a lot better u can do almost anything- go to college, uni, work (like swims doin) and everythin, SWIm can also go on holiday with it.

This is how it is for people on Heroin prescription (most anyway) although not sure on taking it abroad, pretty sure swiy can but have to have a docs letter.

This isnt much good to SWIYs as USa it doesnt happen, but just thought SWIM would say it anyways,

And ppl in UK soon diamorphine is likely to be abvialble from more DDU's as the gov are deciding to implement more very soon (SWIm heard) but itll be supervised per day at least to start...

[Spucky]

My Cat thinks the most important point swim miss
was the Personal Development!
Swim is not like other People who are in the same age like him.

Sometimes, when swim go around for a Walk swim become a little jealous
to the World of typical Suburbia!
(but only sometimes, Swim is happy now but not like other "normal" People)

[beena]

SWIM lives in London and her family live in Jersey, Channel Islands. SWIM has many times took advantage of this and gone to stay with her family for a couple of weeks here and there when things have got really bad for her with drugs. SWIM has access to morphine tablets so she takes some of these with her to stave off the w/d. SWIM last tried this over Easter but this time it was a disaster. SWIM had booked a holiday in Jersey for three weeks but after just two weeks she had taken all her morphine tablets, was in withdrawal and going crazy thinking about heroin. So she paid an extra one hundred pounds just to return early to london and score some drugs. This is probably the most stupid thing SWIM has done - now she's stuck in London, taking heroin and crack everyday and wishing she was in Jersey getting clean again. Oops.

[SmokeNmirrors]

Wow where to start, swim has missed a good amount of family events birthdays,get together's, holidays. Swim lost respect and close friends, Swim has lost 2 jobs either he was too sick to go or to high to function. Spent loads of money swim doesn't even have. Swim also cant live at his parents house anymore. Didn't finish college at a really good university. Lost the trust of his parents and has stolen from loved ones so swim has lost his morels. Swim has pawned things that meant alot to him that he will never get back. Swim also lost the love of alot of hobbies of his being to busy scoring smack to do them such as surfing,skateboarding,music and working on his car. So many things and despite all of it swim keeps on going.....Ugh.

[beena]

^ Oh yeah, the dreaded pawn shop. SWI-SmokeNmirrors, SWIM is with you there: SWIM's pawned so much stuff - jewellery, mobile phones, games consoles. Then there's the unscrupulous dealers who SWIM's sold much of her personal property too including a fairly expensive Denon stereo, (it was a stack system that came with a really neat glass stand and looked awesome in the front room). The stereo was a 21st birthday present to SWIM from her parents and she sold it for about an eighth of coke. Then SWIM got into crack and managed to buy and sell three widescreen television sets. She's also sold at least four playstations (actually, the totals probably nearer seven). Worst of all, for sentimental reasons, was a Storm watch that her parents gave her as a gift for graduating from university (SWIM was so proud that day cos she managed to get a degree in politics despite having a pretty bad crack habit). SWIM pawned the watch and kept renewing the pawn-slip each month but eventually she missed a payment and never saw it again. She still hasn't told her parents about that one and everytime she goes home to visit them she has to make up some story about forgetting to put the watch on that morning or saying that it needs a new battery or something. SWIM feels terrible lying to them but she just doesn't want to see that look of disappointment in their faces again - a look that she's seen a lot in recent years.
Conversely though, heroin has actually brought some stability into SWIM's life (it's brought plenty of heartache and mayhem too, don't get me wrong), but in the last two years (SWIM's been addicted to crack for nine years and heroin for less than two), SWIM's managed to start holding on to her property and re-accumulating some material possessions at least. This is because SWIM uses brown to comedown from crack and it gives her a mellow, smooth comedown, whereas before SWIM took brown she just took crack and she would pull her hair out when all the crack was gone and do anything and sell anything to get some more. At least now SWIM is able to relax when all the drugs have run out (she still pawns stuff occasionally though).

[BrownStreakRailroad]

some great responses here guys and SWIM can relate to everything everyone has said!! its funny how we all seem to end up on the same path.....keep it comin'!! thanx 4 the rep...its my first i think???

[ex-junkie]

swims biggest regret is losing her youth. shes turning 30 this year, and would have LOVED to be doing what she is doing now, at 20. she cannot stress this enough. fairplay 30 isnt that old, however the 20s should be the time of your life. you look young, you dont have to exercise to keep a smaller figure, and the world is your oyster.

its kinda weird to have come out of it at 26 (nearly 27), and look in the mirror only to realize youve aged, and wasted so much time. time that could have been so much better spent. all the heartache that you couldve lived without! all the real friends youve lost touch with, finding yourself alone in the world.

swim always said shed be clean by the age of 30, and as nice as it is to have achieved this, she really wishes shed done it at 20 and actually lived her youth. you cant go back in time, and you only got the one chance, and its just such a pity to have wasted most of it using smack.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Thanks for sharing this. It's a moving and insightful post that I hope people listen to.

[Junkhead23]

To be honest one of the things heroin has done for him is that it has made him creative and want to write which can aonly be a good thing. Maybe a pro and cons list might be better? Also he might be dead if i wasn't for heroin (seriously) Up to the point where he started using heroin he had tried to commit suicide 4 times in a matter of 3 maybe 4 years and it hasn't happened since he started using heroin.

Also it has weirdly made him closer to one of his parents

[beena]

^ Actually, SWIM kinda has to agree with Junkhead. SWIM was addicted to crack for six or seven years before taking heroin and she would spend ridiculous amounts of money in a night, trying to avoid a come-down. This also meant that SWIM sold a lot of her possessions (as she's already posted above). Heroin has allowed SWIM to control her crack-use much better. SWIM regularly used to spend between £500 and £1000 in a night on crack-cocaine. Nowadays the maximum amount SWIM spends on crack and heroin is £200. Some days though SWIM will spend as little as £60.
Another thing that heroin has helped with is SWIM's depression. SWIM hasn't self-harmed for at least 18 months, maybe two years and this is basically since she started using heroin. SWIM would feel very depressed after using enormous amounts of crack and that basically led to her hurting herself. Now, having heroin to comedown with makes SWIM much calmer, happier and more relaxed. She just doesn't have those kind of negative thoughts anymore. Her arms are looking much better as a result!
The only part SWIM disagrees with is the creativity factor - yes, heroin did make SWIM much more creative when she first started using but after a few months of sustained heavy use, SWIM finds that the opposite happens - heroin zaps all SWIM's creativity and she ends up just staring at a blank wall or computer screen for hours on end.

[BrownStreakRailroad]

SWIM believes that Heroin has totally killed his creativity and he feels kind of numb now, whilst on gear. As Beena say's he can just be staring blankley at a CPU for hours, he used to be an enthusiastic musician, playing guitar, drums, violin( early days) and progressed onto electronic music production and sound engineering but Heroin and the lifestyle it has brought SWIM has been the main cause of him just not doing anything!! unless its smack related ofcourse. SWIM feels he hasn't progressed much since he started using H in terms of personal and creative development, kinda like a Smack bubble that sends SWIY into a state of purgatory and its not until SWIY quit gear that SWIY realise how much SWIY have missed. And this is when the creativity can come back in SWIM's opinion because SWIY have gained alot of understanding and knowledge about things SWIY would not have were it not for gear, and SWIY are finally coherant enough to get them onto paper or whatever SWIY'r creative passion is. SWIM is depressed and also attributes this to Heroin use and the lifestyle it has brought though it has only been for the last few years, previously SWIM was not 'happy' to be on gear but was content to be doing what he was, this has changed now and SWIM is finding the drugs are making him worse......each individual is different tho so fair play to anyone who can be happy and creative during Heroin addiction, but SWIM cannot do it. also SWIM thinks a pro's and con's list might be a little one sided.....they ask you this stuff in rehab and the list of cons is never ending.

[beena]

Yeah, there's just so many things that heroin has stopped SWIM from doing - actually, it's not just heroin for SWIM, cos she's only been doing that shit for the past couple of years but for seven years before that she was addicted to crack-cocaine and this whole period that amounts to a decade of addiction has stopped SWIM doing so many things.

SWIM has already posted many of the things that drugs have stopped her doing on this thread, but there's one more thing that SWIM would like to mention and it's probably the thing that SWIM thinks about the most when she thinks about the negative impact and consequences that drugs have had on her life. It's the thing that bothers SWIM the most, the thing that causes SWIM the greatest pain and regret and it's the definative answer to the question this thread poses:

Drugs have stopped SWIM from growing up.

It might not seem like the worst thing that drugs could take away from a person, the worst thing that drugs could stop you doing but for SWIM it is the thing she'll always regret: SWIM got addicted to drugs at the age of 21 and is still addicted at the age of 30. But those 9 years are what SWIM would call 'the missing years'. People say that time goes quicker as you get older but when you're a drug addict using every day, or near enough every day, the time doesn't just fly past it just doesn't seem to happen at all. Days merge into days, which merge into weeks and then months and then whole years go by unnoticed until you wake up one morning and realise you've spent five years of your life just sitting in your living room putting a pipe to your lips or a needle in your arm.
When SWIM turned 30 earlier this year she was in a state of disbelief. Everyone around her was smiling and wishing her well, saying 'happy birthday ... happy thirtieth birthday' and all SWIM wanted to do was scream and go 'no, it can't be ... i'm not thirty, i'm twenty-one'!
Because SWIM has two memories: she remembers being 21 and arriving in London to start university. She was a 'young' 21 anyway, still a kid really - still growing up. And she remembers today. The here and now. But everything inbetween is just a blur.
SWIM used to laugh at people who had 'mid-life crises' or stories that her dad told her about how her mum stayed 39 for about five years, cos she didn't want to be 40. SWIM used to think this was all stupid bollocks and that you should just be proud of whatever age you are and accept it. SWIM thought she would be like that. But it's different when drugs are involved, when you can't remember several years of your own life. I suppose the nearest thing SWIM can equate it too is a person waking up having been in a coma for twenty years.
It's horrible. SWIM doesn't feel like a 30 year old. 30 is the age of an adult. 30 is the age of responsibility. 30 is the age when a person should be settled down, with a job, a house and a family. But SWIM still feels like a 21 year old and because of drugs her life has remained static and she still is like a 21 year old - no job, no family, no house and no responsibility.
But the scariest thing of all .... and this is the part that keeps SWIM awake at night, tossing and turning in her bed, unable to sleep ... is the thought that this could go on for another ten or twenty years. SWIM could wake up one day and be 40 or 50 or even 60 years old and still be addicted to drugs. If that happens her life won't have changed much, so she'll still feel like a 21 year old. She'll still have no job, no family, no house and no responsibility. But unlike now, unlike today, it might also be too late to do anything about it. And SWIM will have to face the realisation that she's wasted her whole life on drugs. And then she'll be able to say in answer to the question this thread asks that drugs have stopped her living.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	completely true - whenever you get into heavy drugs is when you stop maturing
	basically in the same position as you, well put.

[Dicemanstyle]

My only regret is not starting sooner. Heroin saved my life, or at least prolonged it slightly. Maybe its stopped me from being a male slag. But surely thats a good thing!!!!
Oh and the usual being skint, pissing everyone off and being a junky waster.
8 yrs of use.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Stop incriminating yourself. Learn how to use swim or something similar

[EyesOfTheWorld]

So true on the loss of youth, Monkey is not just talking heroin here but all opiates, cocaine, benzos, alcohol and all addictive drugs. He still sees nonaddictive psychedelics/empathogens as useful tools and does not see them as taking away his youth........look at Dr. Shulgin for example.

But it's especially true with heroin and other opiates. For the sake of this thread heroin will be the only thing discussed.

Monkey was shocked when he turned 30. He had always envisioned himself owning a house and having or starting a family by that age, instead he was living in a rented shithole with his 24 yr old fiance (talk about trying to hang onto one's youth). Admittedly, in this area, even among nonusers, the standard practice is not to marry and start a family until late 20's to mid 30's. But at least he had his shithole and his girl. Soon opiates took them away too, she left him due to his use, and although he could still afford the place on his own, he chose to move out: too many bad half memories............and his fiance was a heavy coke user/borderline addict that took mdma 4 times a week and drank daily, so Monkey's opiate addiction must have been REALLY bad to scare her off.
She had to be the adult in the relationship despite being 6, almost 7 years younger, and still in her early/mid 20's when she SHOULD have been living it up, not worrying about where her fiance would be nodded out this time when she got home from work. Although they are still friends, he feels bad for the emotional damage he inflicted on her and for getting her into opiates. She is no addict, she uses once a week tops for pain, but it's amazing how quickly the love of one's life turns into just another stop on the dope/oxy delivery route. From future wife to just another customer in less than 2 months.

Monkey never lost money due to his habit (one can probably guess why, if the last few sentences didn't pretty much explain it), but does one really want to be actively in the game at 32? Most hustlers retire and get into something legit by 30, they may still use, but they are out of "The Game". Not this monkey. He's a 32 year old teenager, living as roommates (admittedly in a very nice farmhouse with multiple acres) with 3 others. He thought by now he'd be married, maybe have a kid, at least be thinking about having one, working a good job (admittedly the national economy has hindered this as well, his dope habit is not solely to blame), basically being a grown man. Yes, he's financially independent, but not the way one wants to be. Thankfully he has really started to think about this now, and a person IS still "youngish" in their 30's. He has come to grips with the fact he will probably be a lifetime opiate user, but he wants to reduce his use to solely the oxys Rx'd from his doctor, get completely out of anything illicit (save for occasionally buying mdma or some such thing), find a good woman (this may actually be happening), and have a family. It's time.

In addition to his ex-fiance he is also very saddened by the many people he hurt emotionally over his decade-plus addiction. Fortunately he has never ripped anyone off, stolen, or any of that shit, but he has let down countless people..........his family and close friends always thought (and still do think) that he had a lot of creative talent and would probably be a pubished author by now. They did not think that at 32 he would be a functioning junkie, still in the game and not finished a story in months. Thankfully he is still young enough to realize this and really wants to do right by these people. He will, he has true will, and has acccepted his addiction, he just wants to get his fix solely from the Dr. from now on.

[BumpBump]

Well heroin stop swim living a life he could have lived.
Heroin stopped swims contact with the people he grew up with.
When swim got hooked on heroin when he was 16... alot of his friends did and alot didnt... But swims habit got out of controll fast, Swims friends who didnt use heroin distanced them selves from the ones who did... slowly swim lost alot of friends... and ended up hanging round with the hardcore junkies.

Swims parents had moved away to another town so they did not see this happening to swim. One day swim got busted and done for posession which got back to swims parents.
Swim didnt know they knew, but when he was in court for sentencing they walked through the doors of the court and gave me all their suppor if I told them exactly what I was into.
Swims parents gave him the choice to wipe the slate clean, and give him a job and a new start. Swim had to leave everything behind, including all his friends(Who were all junkies or avoiding him due to his junkyness). Out of respect for this swim had 3 doses out of a bottle methadone he purchased and took with him to help the withdrawls, but he tipped the rest down the sink and went cold turkey. Swim hit the beer hard though but he had no access to gear unless he did a 5 hour train journey. Swim avoided rehab and drug programmes as swims parents are orginally from the town they moved back too and know alot of people... plus swim didnt want to risk getting to know anyone at these places.

So it stopped swim living one life and gave him another. Swims life and social circle would have been alot different if he didnt touch gear. Swim has a good life now, and a good job. But swim often wonders of the people who he grew up with, and the part he would have played in all their lives.