Journal - Addicting to changing himself... through drugs

[wespawloski]

Excuse the probable grammar and spelling mistakes... SWIM is too tired to proofread. In this post, SWIM provides a background of himself and drugs, and rambles about what it possibly means. He is looking for anyone with any ideas to direct SWIM.

Let me provide some background on this SWIM... He has been a somewhat social outcast since around puberty, although he has heard negative comments about him even before that time. He was raised by decently liberal older parrents, they did everything right for him... but he also thinks this has heightened the differences SWIM perceives in himself from others. SWIM wishes he could get wrapped up in self-esteem and religion, he wishes he longed for the new fashions of the stars, he wishes he cared about things.

He first realised he is not at all happy, let alone, feeling as though he was living, in the middle of highschool. He self-diagnosed this as depression, got some tests done, they concluded decent depression and slight ADD. SWIM knows he has something to the effect of concentration problems, he has been addicted to caffeine since around five years ago, he has/is breaking that habit.

SWIM has always been apathetic, his dad came across as feeling that SWIM was flat out lazy, useless. He has come to realize, thanks to my previous psychologist, that SWIM is not lazy... he just lacks any motivation. SWIM used to be addicted to video games, he played on a counter-strike source team for a good year. He has been increasing losing all pleasure from video games, and does not bother to play them anymore. SWIM has spent too much of his life in front of a screen, he has always been mostly too out of it to commit to anything else. He must get some pleasure, but he doesnt feel it... He doesn't come to know the finer aspects of the shows he watches, he cannot join in most conversations, he does not remember things (even without THC).

He has always had bad memory, he loses names instantly, he forgets everything, he finds himself constantly fondling such items as bus passes, keys, money (if he is carrying it for a purpose)... He seems to forget what he is doing at every moment.

Swim feels very in touch with himself, he has concluded that all he comprehends is largely based on reality, he doesnt feel that much cognitive process is put into his actions, plus he is very impulsive... especially in any social situation.

After trying lexapro, prozac, a popular SNRI (a newer one... touted as an ADD helper, swim can't recall), and wellbutrine (which SWIM is convinced put him in a psychosis, but he is scared that he didn't really comprehend it while he was under the influence), SWIM lost all faith in reuptake inhibitors.

Around the same time as his reuptake trials, he began smoking cannabis. Cannabis makes swim completely inert, but he can't stop... He smoked nightly for a while, he would lie back and watch some movies or television. He doesn't know why, he probably got less out of his experiences. SWIM can't quit cannabis... he always goes back, especially in social settings where the effects are horrible.

SWIM's first psichiatrist prescribed him ambien to help him battle something like insomnia, his brain refuses to quiet, he drifts in and out of intangible and undricted thoughts, he feels like his brain is stimulated much like the affects of norepinephrine on a human body. Ambien worked well at first, but SWIM soon built up a tolerance (~ two weeks) and a potential to abuse them. He knew he had to quit, but he will forever miss being able to fall asleep within five minutes (he used to spend all Summer staying awake... He could play video games and wait until he was ready to fall asleep from exhaustion in the wee hours). He at a later date received a xanax prescription by a different doc (to test out SWIM's social anxiety problems), which he abused the first day he got it. But, he did spend days where he stuck to his prescription... Which affected SWIM alot like alcohol, withdrawing him. He was prescribed .5 mg, and even a tiny sliver (1/8th of that pill and such) seemed to affect him negatively or not at all... He loved xanax for some reason, keeping the pills around and using them at social settings. He feels improper being sober, and benzodiazipines felt so much better than alcohol.

When at disneyland for 'Grad-Nite', SWIM came into contact with his first two illicit amphetamine influenced pills. That experience changed his life; he was able, for the first time, to feel as though he could accomplish things. He was able to converse with people in a productive manner (even approached a random female and talked to her), he felt driven, he finally felt like he had worth. He has only had one trip rivaling this first one, early on in his drug career at prom. SWIM was actually dancing at this event, he was engaging and encouraging others, he danced his heart out (and, later in the night, felt like taking off his shirt :P to the horror of the chaperones)

SWIM got into ecstacy then... He never has had much of a job, and lack of money kept him buying infrequently, he wouldnt want to do too much during school, anyway. SWIM relied on this drug for parties, he was either himself or the other person; the other person was liked, or at least, appeared to be so.

SWIM met an amazing psichiatrist (who provided SWIM the xanax prescription) who seemed to be the first person to understand SWIM. SWIM could tell this doctor about his abuses, and they both knew SWIM just wanted to fix himself. This psichiatrist, on the first visit, listened to SWIM about his amphetamine success and past drug failures, prescribing him vyvanse 35mg. SWIM was happy, he could feel this drug working, he had confidence (still very anxious, social interactions still sent him to a dark place, SWIM always had nothing to say). SWIM will note, "mdma" pills propel SWIM past this.

SWIM used this 35 mg for about a week, then wanted to try a double dose. What he found with 70mgs was a slightly higher euphoria (he didn't really want this), but more importantly, an extended release period. Compared to the hour come-on, peak at T+2:00, and ~two hour comedown, the peak and comedown increased in length. He was having a little difficulty later on in the day, the fleeting energy so sad to experience. He continued this trend of dosage growth, till arriving at 210mgs. At this point, SWIM was feeling very confident he had finally grasped his cure. His effect curve would leave him coming down at around 8:00, making sleep at 10:00 easier. Yes, he was able to sleep with no-little increased difficulty.

Shortly after reaching this point, he took a weekend trip to visit a buddy and an event called "LoveFest", where he abused ambien and vyvanse. After that date, 210mg stopped working... He got a prescription shortly after for 210, and gave it up, he felt very little from it anymore. He then went to try xanax, ritalin, and dextroamphetamine salt. ritalin was useless, while dextroamphetamine was too chaotic and abusable... a jump whenever he needed it... Finals week came around, and swim was up till early morning three days in a row on some 2-3 hours of sleep... Coping with dexamph.

SWIM took a break, fell back into his old self. He didn't like his dex experience, for the first time in his life, he was actually scared he might take a pill against his will... He had to hand the bottle over to his mother, crying. SWIM doubts he would have taken it, but he was in such a bad place, he had to make an action against the pills.

SWIM was off to college, about two weeks after the above... He had quit caffeine and sugar, he was clean. But he had to do well in school, he wanted to present himself in a manner that had got positive results, he had to go back to vyvanse. He was/is prescribed 70mg a day... the first few weeks of college he slightly abused the dosage, but on weekends, he would take 210. He was not really partying... he was not a very likeable person. He would be awake at all hours of the night, he preoccupied this time by making tea and treking out to a viewing spot, listening to music and feeling... serene.

He came to a revelation at this point, for the first time, that he needed to take this medication seriously. It was not helping him by getting him high, he needed to use it as a tool to help himself. He was pretty good with his medication, no more weekend abuse. By the beginning of Spring break, SWIM was being very good. He was studyinig, getting sleep, and feeling better. He overcame euphoria and was able to channel the positive aspects of amphetamines, something was working. He then went home, ran out of vyvanse early, slipped back into old habits of staying up late... He lost everything. He has been broken ever since, what little willpower he was building was gone.

He still doesnt abuse his medication that often, but he is always tired again, he is neglecting sleep and schoolwork, returning to spending vast amounts of time watching television shows and whatnot. He again feels the euphoria of amphetamine predominately, the two-three hours of peak effects are great... But SWIM is god damn sick of it, he is so impulsive and stupid... Yet, SWIM in his normal state is, to a lesser extent, impulsive and stupid, and horribly apathetic and useless. In the current euphoria, SWIM gets his pleasure from listening to his music... the most comforting thing in his life.

Now, SWIM will present his issue. He has no interests, except one... changing himself. He feels no regret in trying something new, he longs for it. SWIM will not do anything stupid except fuck with his doses, he will not be found huffing gas anytime soon. But, for instance, he had leftover ritalin and xanax, which he used as a decent duo at parties until they were gone. He would rail some 3-6 pills, finding near the end a xanax and ritalin combo was interesting.

But SWIM doesnt even like this, he usually wakes up the next day with a curse at himself. He asks himself, what is SWIM doing? How happy was SWIM last night? He was not at all. With alcohol and weed this is worse, he doesnt even like weed and alcohol (With "mdma" pills he does find those latter two enjoyable and undebtrimental). SWIM doesnt like feeling broken, but he should know he can't fix it. No matter what SWIM does with what he has, he will be unhappy. He did this with Saint John's wort, eventually combining some 1.2 grams with Syrian Rue, freaking him out. He combined 5-HTP, prozac, and Syrian, later adding more prozac and sending SWIM close to serotonin syndrome; his brain was on fire, and he was hallucinating unpleasantly and scarily.

Today, he combined his second for the day 70mg vyvanse, 900mg St. Johns, and 200mg 5-HTP. He went to smoke weed next-door in his dorm, resulting in the most visual high, close to "LSD" he has experienced once. But, he was again completely inert, the people he was with were all talkative and looking at SWIM with wonder... why would he want that... As swim is having the best time dozing out of reality into the shapes of the world, he became aware that the people he was with were beginning to screw with him for amusement. They would walk laundry back and forth, change outfits multiple times, saying shit like "well lets do laundry" over and over, glancing at SWIM and laughing. Once, SWIM heard "Hey SWIM, don't you notice this?"... SWIM did, but he didnt care... at all. It was at that point that SWIM returned to consciousness, unfunctional, but he began to form thoughts. And, amazingly, he could actually hear them. He could control his thoughts... aim them, see them, comprehend them. As he came more and more into this state, he became sick at the horrible people around him he doesnt even like. He leaves to go smoke a cigarette, and is followed by all of the apartment's residents (3). They sit outside with SWIM, he offers them cigarettes and whatnot, and they are still being sneaky. SWIM can see it, they believe SWIM is gone, but SWIM is thinking. He has extra-sensative hearing from the THC, he hears them talking about useless shit, including some conversation about SWIM. As one of the residents leave, the other two sit down next time SWIM, they pretend to have a conversation. The conversation consists of a fictional character, obviously SWIM. "Yea that guy Sheridan, he never hangs out with us, he always leaves, we smoke him out and he never invites us over, (slightly true... lol :/) ... Yea [roommate 1] doesn't like guys who have pimples on his face and doesn't clean himself up." That last line set SWIM off, he had made a comment earlier asking the infatuation status of said [roommate] because he is simply curious. BTW, SWIM is decent looking, he guesses... Women have told him all his life hes a good looking guy, he once received the compliment of being "potentially one of the hottest guys at school" - Oh, joy. SWIM ran out of amoxicillin for a week and half... and has given up shaving. (In defence... lol :P) SWIM was thinking so powerfully now, he went back to his dorm room. As he sat there thinking, he was mulling over the events, he could not trust himself. But he knew that at least some of those had happened maliciously, the situation outside being fact. He distinctly remembers "People who are drunk usually remember the last thirty minutes" when SWIM was able to answer the question of why he was looking angry and depressed. (You can see the types of people SWIM spends some times with, sigh /wrist)

SWIM is still out of it at this point, but his brain is actually in his control. He decides to do something he has never done, be intentially mean. He made his way back over, got the attention of one of the residents, pulled her into another room, and explained to her why they are idiots and evil people. He unleashed some rage, and the target responded with denial... SWIM made her cry. He returned home, mulling over the days events, and yes, they had happened to him, he is sure... He was not that concerned... he was lost in lovely thought.

What he realized around this time.... was that this was his life. People around his dorm had been screwing with him, his acquaintinces back home had been to a much lesser extent. They saw SWIM in his fragile and retarded state, and used him for entertainment. He could now understand why SWIM, after telling a group he is done smoking, gets cajoled into smoking more. He gives in every time... he manipulates himself, and is easily pushed.

Just a quick vignette * SWIM passed out from xanax, datura, and weed while chilling at a "kickback", woke up the next day to find his wallet missing. It was nowhere to be found. SWIM had an acquaintince who seemed to like xanax, so SWIM supplied him for a while before this date. This fellow was a friend of the guy whos house SWIM was at. SWIM offers him 45 xanax pills to find his wallet... and in 30 minutes his wallet is found by the fiend. SWIM gets his wallet back, with marks of "dog teeth" as the wallet had been 'dragged by the dog'. SWIM wonders what kind of dog can make a completely straight horizontal cut, protruding into the leather, and dig a hole in another part of the wallet. SWIM just bought that wallet... It had a really nice limited quantity detail. Sigh, to be forever holed :/

At this time, SWIM has found something else about himself... Even more than his amazing "LSD" trip. While he could think clearly, he looked into the near past to examine himself... he realized his long-suspected fear, he was retarded in at least a few important intelligences. He is not dumb, he has amazing semantic memory, he can do well on recall tests... but not because he knows anything, but because he can work around the problem to provide the answer.

He now realizes what his problem is, why he can't keep a conversation, why he forgets everything, why he doesn't realize that which is right in front of him, why he must ask obvious questions, why he is so negative. Something is happening to SWIM's incoming information... it is not coming full stream. He has slight trouble walking, a decent hand tremor, and many other slight but widespread bodily issues... this must be it.

SWIM would like to send out a call to anyone with any experience like this, please tell SWIM where to look. He might be insane, he doubts his reality, he doubts trust, he is powerlessly subjugated by something. all he can do to remedy this is try to fix it, even if its obviously impossible.

SWIM is hopefully going to take something important from this, he already fears for his adult life. He is fine with living alone, but he doesnt know if he can protect himself from himself, if its all in his head, and if he can live as everyone else does. SWIM is not going to end his life, that would be too boring, and SWIM is already dead inside... at least he gets some pleasure from being in school... but hes not learning anything. SWIM is a biochem major (freshmen...) because the only thing he has ever loved is changing himself through biology. He thought about this the other day, SWIM doesnt beleve its to escape, SWIM believes its feeling in control, he can change his body to keep up to where his mind wants to be. So many people tell SWIM hes a normal human; SWIM can't believe it...

SWIM has gotten a Quantitative EEG, showing deficient beta frequencies and a right-side dominance, slight signs of possible ADD and dyslexia (while on an amphetamine that day... near the end of the effect, tho) SWIM has been to two biofeedback specialists, and they both stated the low beta frequency activity... the first one noticed a slight gamma frequency (SWIM believes it was gamma, a very high frequency thats supposed to be emptyish) .

SWIM is getting away from amphetamine, his psychiatrist ( a new one, after moving up to school... she is young and dislikes prescribing, would not give SWIM a refil on his vyvanse at first) is unpredictable. SWIM wants to try tramadol, he hopes she will help him.

P.P. (Post Post) : SWIM does not need to hear lectures on mixing drugs and dosages, he is a much brighter SWIMmer now... but I doubt he really cares.

SWIM doesnt need encouragement, he needs information... experiences... anything he can use.

Reputation Comments on this post:

I don't care if you dont want encouragement, but that was a helluva post!