path to self-destruction

[yaba]

Why is it when swim more or less always had trouble withs drugs, drink and at some point even gambling ? Its like there always had to be something... Anything !

Will tell a little about him. When he was 13 he started withe heroine, crack, amphetamine and his first ecstasy was when he was 14, he was on diazepam 3x10 Mg daily and on temazepam at night. Also he started to drink and smoke (joint) when he was 13 (13 was his year !!!) 19 addicted to yaba (expensive)

His dad been to prison for murder, 2 bank robbery's and lots of other things his step dad was very violent his mum been hospitalized twice for 6 months (depression) Not nice to so mum on halaperidol....

Anyway swim don't want this to become a tread, I feel sorry for myself, want to kill myself, etc.. He Doesn't ! But he is annoyed with his situation which he explaining next.

Swim is going back to work tomorrow and is hoping to cope, after been sick for a month of two.. Now after many years of drug abuse and he always had the means to get it..!!! He moved to a place with less of a drug problem then most other places.. And got a normal job and had a few girlfriends (all split up because of his drug use) yes even when he was "normal" there were still problems (all of his ex girls are saying, I like you when you not on something) but swim likes himself when he is on "something"

Now all was well until swim went of the rails again... Mostly drink but not excluding diazepam, methadone, zolpidem, zopiclone, dihydrocodeine, heroine and everything else he can get... And getting drugs never been a problem...

He feels if he can't control his life here, where could he ?? No where !
Now he will pull himself together !! He always will ! But all he wants is a drug free life or at least a life whats in control....

Will leave at this for now and all advice and support is welcome. Like swim told me its not really the one drug its his Drugi attitude whats the problem he thinks...

Thanks.

Feeling better after posting this ! Keep in mined that am a slow typer so this took a long time.

Reputation Comments on this post:

awesome that you're getting everthing together and living a drug free life

[OsCarwild]

So what exactly is it that SWIY is wanting to know.... If would be a lot easier for people (SWIM included) to help you out if you would phrase it in a short to the point question of exactly what SWIY is wanting to know.

[yaba]

How to stop abusing.. And how to change his behavior for the better. Swim just give a bit of history and explained the situation he is in now. And how to avoid a relapse after relapse after relapse, etc..

Swim not the type to go for counseling and bring all the shit up and talk about it then put it to rest and move on. Swim isn't depressed or suicidal just got a habit of abuse.

But he will get true it.. He always does !

[Dickon]

Yaba,

I know what you mean about the addictive personality. My cat spent hours in front of fruit-machines, has been glued to computers, and generally has a certain tendency to addictive behaviours as well as addictive drug use.

It's probably not ultimately going to be about changing where you are, as drugs are available pretty much everywhere. Something has to change within. This doesn't require counselling although that helps for some people, but it does require getting through the next few days.

Six or so months ago when I started the "Screaming in the Night Air" my cat was in a similar position. He was drinking like a fish, and was finishing a methadone taper. He'd got clean a couple of times before and then relapsed; this last time round for several years.

How to change behaviour and make it stay changed? That is the key to it all. One thing I'm fairly sure of is that everyone has a slightly different key. The social learning model (yep, it's a model, but it has a ring of sanity to it) suggests we act like people who are not addicted to drugs, and learn how to deal with manage cravings and urges. So first off, there's avoiding difficult situations, and coping mechanisms for those that do occur. Don't walk past a dealers house. Don't hang out with people who use. etc etc. Have a plan for those situations that you might encounter that might be hard. In the longer term, use less avoidance, and put in place more coping strategies. The other longer term strategy is to engage in meaningful social activities in your life. I totally hold by this. The more social activities with non-using people you engage in the less appealing the addictive lifestyle will seem.

I'm guessing the first thing is to simply grind through these early days, hour by hour. Some people swear by exercising a lot early on, and it might be worth a try.

Well, here comes food, so I'm going to disappear for now and check back later.

You're in my thoughts

Dickon

Reputation Comments on this post:

Always good advive !

[Spucky]

Is a real Iboga-Trip with a experienced Trip-Sitter an Idea for swiny?
Or do swiny "just" need someone who take his hand to start something new?

My Cat just run away at the final point after 25 Years of Opioid-Addiction with a strong desire for Crack,
spend some time in a monastery in Thailand after that
she stay a long time on a tiny Island and everything changed!

Time can heal everything, even sorrow!

[mahoney]

Hey yaba, swim is also looking to stop abusing. After getting off heroin swim still can't stop thinking about drugs in general, and thats led to swim trying to have the odd smoke/turn-on. Now swim is craving gear every day (was off it 9 months,started chipping 3-4 months ago). Its got its claws back in ya know? So, swim is gunna take a week off everything, then another week off gear, and hopefully 2 more gear free weeks after.

Swim has dealt with many of the underlying psychological issues which led him to use and stay using. After working on these he has more confidence and has become happier, which made it easy to stay off at first. However, he got overconfident and used again, and the chipping's got outta hand.
So now swim is not using for a while and is reading up on CBT(cognitive behavioral therapy) this helps you think positive, especially if swiy is prone to negative thought patterns, overthinking, depression and anything really.

Swim has been seeing a psychotherapist for a while to deal with social anxiety among other things. Alot of swim problems in dealing with the world, impulsive behavior came from many experiences when he was young. Like swims personality is made up of all experiences ever right? So swim has to understand those experiences to see if they affected his later behaviour. Therapy isn't needed, but it sped up the process by at least a year or two for swim which is invaluable as swim is HAPPY now!

PS. Therapy might seem crap, and swim didn't want to go share secrets with a stranger, but is has been the most worthwhile thing swim has EVER done. People must be totally open tho and thats hard...but definetley woth it... Good luck yaba!!!

[yaba]

Thanks for the replies and Dickon can see that swim is not the only one with a addictive personality... He to spend hours (if not days behind fruit machines) and yes drugs are everywhere but less on this cats tail less island then in Amsterdam or anywhere else, but still swim managed to know the creme the la creme.. And the phone is near.. But swim doesn't want to ! He has to change things he knows that and he is doing that now.

Thanks for all that have replied and mahony all the best to your swim, the problem is if one knows heroine there is happiness around the corner... (one of swims problems) But chipping usually leads to the same problems again. And the only way to stop that is to stop it !

And for Spucky happy for swiy is happy that the habit is kicked ! And swim went to his crack time and thank god that he hates it now... As coke is the easiest drug to find on swims small island. Can I ask you where your swim spend her time which small island (PM) me, just in case swim has to move again. Or run away from the drugs yet again LOL. And its swims personality whats the problem (he is his own bad influence)
And he has always knows the people and getting it hasn't been a problem, maybe goes with his personality.. As the user name is yaba Thailand isn't good for swim....

Thanks to all,
Yaba

[OsCarwild]

I hate to have to say this, but without the help of medicines (suboxone, subutex, methadone) it honestly just comes down to self discipline. SWIY needs to set dates of when he is going to cut down and STICK TO THEM! And just remember, in order to get the bag of dope SWIY has to get in the car and go get it, giving him plenty of time to have second thoughts. Without medication, it is pure will power, my friend... good luck and remember SWIY isn't alone, there are more swimmers out there like him with the same problems...I got faith in you

[ex-junkie]

swim also has an addictive personality and can identify with swiy (OP). you can break the cycle, but you have to keep yourself busy. completely busy. find something to fill every ounce of brain space and/or time, that is ongoing enough to tide you over till addiction is simply a distant memory.

control your thought patterns. replace the negative with some positive. be grateful for what you have. even if you dont have it yet.

[yaba]

Swim had a late shift today and is doing a full day at work tomorrow 7/8 He thinks that at least at work there is to much going on to think about drink and drugs to much.

Will post tomorrow how he got on... Today was his first day back at work he had 8 weeks of..

[methMADMAN]

Originally Posted by yaba

He feels if he can't control his life here, where could he ?? No where !

You know I think this is what is meant by unmanageable, and also what is meant by doing "G.O.D.'s" will, that the AA and NA programs speak of. SWIM has been completely clean and sober for over two years now, and life is still quite unmanageable. You see I've lived my life in the past in a vain attempt to control my life and the circumstances surrounding me, but really this is not possible for anyone. The reason for the periods in that "God" word is because to many it simply stands for "good orderly direction". We always tried to dominate our world, but I think it's clear to any of us who have been through the wringer enough, that the world and it's people really dominate us, whether we like it or not. For instance, if one did not want Barack Obama to have become the President of the United States, short of very drastic action, there is nothing that can be done to stop it. If one doesn't want to pay taxes, the authorities will come take you away and lock you up for it, whether it's right or not, and on and on this principle goes!

As I've said, my life is quite unmanageable today, but the difference is, being clean of drugs and having addressed many of the issues and reasons that I felt I needed that crutch for, I am able to react to life in a positive way, and "roll with the punches". There are a great many things in my life, both that I like and that I dislike that I have no control of whatsoever, but when faced squarely with that reality, and accepting it as fact, not trying to exert control over things of which I can have none; I have a lot more control over my life because now I work on what I do have control over and do not waste time and energy on things that I can't control. Better still, with this simple attitude change, I have been able to cope with a great many things I'd never dreamed myself capable of before, and without picking up a "crutch". I've lived both ways and I can promise you that the clean and sober and sane rational approach can and does work, provided one accepts the nature of reality itself for what it is, and does not constantly fight it.

This is the concept of the serenity prayer that so many recovery programs use. Take "God" out of it if you like, it still holds very true as a good principle to live by.

....grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

One cannot escape the simple logic of this little prayer! I know atheists that say it. When it's time to stop tilting at windmills, all that is really left us is facing things as they are and making the best of it.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Good perspective on recovery, and explanation of where one's power lies.
	slef incrimination, swiy repeatly does this over and over.

[yaba]

Hi methMADMAN swim never been to an AA AN meeting and don't think he ever will.. But got to say it has helped some of his friends.

And do like your insight as how it can help !

Sorry for short post been at work thee whole day today, walked the dog and finally feeling very tired and wanting to go to sleep soon.

Swim had a few days without any drink or drugs and work is keeping his mined going. Just the sleeping, sweating and shaking but it will get better and after two worse days things should get better on day tree (positive thinking) He is hoping to get some sleep.. Working again tomorrow.

[yaba]

Just to say swim is back to his old ways again but in a more controlled matter !! He found that he doesn't like him self when he is "normal"

But one day he will kick his demons !! And he has given a lot of his diazepams away ! And is regretting it now... But he wont go and get more !

Will try to be good again soon, just going true a stressful time and need to escape at times..

[Dickon]

Well, I hope you've learnt something, and made some progress. It's a shame that you say you don't like yourself when "normal". Have you any idea why this is? It could just be the result of the chemicals leaving the body, or it could be the result of something deeper. What do you thing?

I'm glad you're not giving up on giving up. I certainly feel in a much better way than I did 7 months ago, when I first came here looking for support. You're in my thoughts and I hope things get less stressful soon, and you give it another shot.

All the best

Dickon

[yaba]

Hi Dickon thanks for your post I always appreciate what your saying. And yes swim has learned something and is trying to keep things to a minimum.. He doesn't think its the chemicals leaving the body, it must be something deeper but he doesn't want to open up old wounds...

The first post in this tread gives an idea of how swims life has been and he thinks that somethings from the past got something to do with it.. (cant go into it on an open forum)

He thinks when he is on something he doesn't have to think and thats the problem... He has improved a lot compared to 10 years ago, but still...

Swims drug/drink taking has made him loose most of his girlfriend they all say when your on nothing your so nice, but swim feels a lot better when on something. If he finds a nice girl and things are getting serious then he will (if she wants him too) seek professional help.

As all swim wants is to be happy !
And drugs are making him happy..

[shwinehund]

SWIM has a method when things get "too intense," and he means "TOO INTENSE" he simply leaves. Peaces it, as they say. SWIM is lucky living where he lives, in the middle of a rain forest, so he simply dives into the bush for a couple of days/weeks.

Putting yourself in a place, where there are no drugs, no computers, no people, no hum of traffic, no orange glow at night, NO NOISE, really allows you to hear yourself think.

If you truly throw yourself out, far enough away from it all, you will, because of your new environment have to survive and depend soley on your sober self for EVERYTHING. You won't distract yourself with computers, cigarettes, sex, gambling, TV, food, or anything else that stimulates you in some way. You keep yourself company, you force yourself to become aware of your Self.

And if you start yelling, who cares, you're in the woods, and there's nobody there but you.

Oh and on a last note, the Natives recommend admitting everything to the plants and trees, until you can admit it to yourself, and then to anyone else.

[ex-junkie]

apologies for the thread hijack people...

Originally Posted by yaba

As all swim wants is to be happy !
And drugs are making him happy..

withdrawals make swiy unhappy, right? therefore his happiness only occurs when hes not withdrawing?

if the withdrawals went away, and swiy led a normal life, do you think he would be happy to live without said withdrawals? or unhappy to be living without drugs=withdrawals/daily grind/poor financial situation? sleeping properly every night would also make swiy very happy yeah?

ok im just trying to make swiy have a think about the true meaning of happiness, and maybe reconsider his outlook on this. sometimes things are totally on the flipside in our heads and we dont realize it.

[yaba]

Hi swinehund and ex-junkie thank you both for your in put, and your both right ! Swim has been thinking about going camping in the woods or walk around the island (will take a few days) together with his dog.

And yes withdrawing isn't fun but swim usually go's true it out of choice rather then having to.. Lucky enough he hasn't got a heroine or yaba habit anymore and he doesn't like coke/crack anymore.

Its just the drink and meds he abuses... Even he does now and again heroine. But isn't addicted to it !

Its just that swim doesn't like himself when not on something... No self pity just the way he has been for many years. At some point when he meets the right girl he will tell her about himself and seek professional help if she thinks he needs it. He doesn't want to mess up another relationship because of his self destructing behavior. The thing is all of his girlfriends left because they didn't want to see him in the state he gets himself into.

Swim has improved compared to 10 years ago ! He has a normal job and pays the bills is in debt like everyone. Give it time and swim will at some point do better then he is doing now.

Thanks for all the advice its really appreciated !

[shwinehund]

Yea, SWIM has run into this with girls, but you have to understand that she will be scared to become attached to someone she feels could destroy himself permanently at any moment.

SWIM once found a girl who, didn't do anything besides smoke cannabis, and she tried to understand him better by trying things like MDMA and mushrooms because she thought it would allow her to connect with SWIM, and to be unihibited. Instead, she gets to see SWIM at his worst. Not interested in her, only in his blinding, mumbling, stumbling drunk. She didn't talk to SWIM for 2 weeks, and when she did it was like when they first met. Nothing but small talk and trivial bullshit.

Scared the shit out of her, and broke her heart. So what does she do? Protect herself.

[yaba]

Shwinehund you make a lot of sense.. Swims last girlfriend was an ex heroine addict (IV) route and she lived on some rough estates in the UK mainland but went back her, so her kids would escape the gun crime, etc.. Anyway she knows how swim was as he had known her before and told her about his holidays in Thailand (yaba and pure meth abuse with prostitutes)

So she known how swim was and swim was warned about her drugy past.. But we got on alright then swim went true mad period and she split up from him when he asked her to get some diazepam. Swim phoned her up and asked her to get some ans she put the phone down.. So swim went out and got it himself. After a day or two she phoned swim to say it was over.

Now after when we spoke she was saying that swim was in a grumpy mood at times and she hated him on tramadol which he stopped for her..

Friends of she were saying, strange she really liked you.... Even her kids love me and her ex, dad if her daughter was happy with me. So was swim that bad ? Yes he come to her house with his eyes red... (to many dihydrocodeine and alcohol) but then he would go to the bed room to avoid the kids.

He did take her out for expensive meals with the kids and bought them all presents.. Always been good to all of them !