PLEASE HELP - Marijuana & Opiate's - Anxiety & Depression

[needhelpnow]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new here and I come to post out of legitimate desperation.. Please read my story, & I thank anyone in advance who might have simillarities or experience that can shed some light on the subject.. I'm not sure what I'm looking to get out of this, I know there's not going to be a solve-all to my problems.. But I guess it can't hurt to start a dialogue and talk about some stuff..

Here it goes...

All my life I've never felt quite right.. Suffering from what I know is definitely anxiety, and from an early age. I'd remember always having some sort of dropping feeling in my stomach and heart when entering social situations or thinking about stressful events. I remember one of my first experiences of which I got out of the shower, got extremely cold, thought about school the next day, and my heart would just start racing... I was probably about 8 years old at the time.

I've also always had extreme racing thoughts, restless 'tapping' legs, daydreaming, trouble focusing, that type of stuff.. Never really in a state of calm. I'm always introveted/in my own head and live a very sedentary life now. I was always prone to sleep issues & sometimes something as little as talking on the phone would make me anxious/get my heart racing.

I'm now 21, a Music Producer, and have been smoking marijuana for roughly 5 years via vaporization (about 3 bowls per day, 1/3rd of a gram per each bowl totalling up to about a gram consumption per day which I know is quite small). Then 2 years ago, I came across a substance known as Poppy Pod Tea.. This made me feel something I had truly never felt before, a true happiness and appreciaton for 'the little things in life'. I had always used Marijuana & Pod Tea in conjunction with eachother and to be honest I never really felt a high just off the Pod Tea. As far as pods are concerned, I started off with a fairly high amount (in my eyes), about 5-8 dried jumbo pods per batch, usually resulting in 2 cups of tea.. Well, over that period of years, I had easilly tapered down and diminished that amount to literally 2 TBSP batches of the powder (like 1/4th of a single pod).. This would last me 2 days, and would yield 6 cups of what was pretty much close to water in comparison to what I had been taking.. So recent use, 3 bowls per day, 3 cups of tea per day (2TBSP batch), 1 bowl and 1 cup of tea in the morning, evening, and night. Things were like this for around 6 months. Career & achievement wise things only seemed to get better.

I was able to sleep perfectly for 2 years upon taking pod tea.. 8 Hours a night, wake up in the morning feeling refreshed instead of lethargic, shower, go about my daily tasks with a nice buzz/euphoria, and engage in a productive work-day furthering my career... A much happier person to say the least.

On these 2 substances, my anxiety and depression was curbed BIG-time, but I still had fairly manic/bi-polar tendencies.. Mood: up, down, up down, up down depending on what I was doing and what was going on in my life.. And I'd always experience what I'd call 'de-personalization', new week, different person! I was able to workout regularly and sustain a desirable weight. Although, motivation would still be very bit up and down.

I've always had severe problems with motivation, 'seeing things through to the end', indecisiveness and an extremely compulsivity.. Fluctuating up and down in weight from sometimes (going from 150 to 200 pounds a few times in my life). This lack of motivation/indecisiveness also applies to my career in music, I have about 100 unfinished projects, and While I know it would be a wise idea to finish them as they would further my career goals, I couldn't seem to find the drive/motivation to do so.. Only recieving sudden bursts of creativity and motivation.. The compulsivity also related to an on-going body-acne problem.. Even though I clearly know it's a bad idea to pick/pop the acne, no matter what, I can't seem to keep my hands off of it which has given me scarring all over my back, neck, and rest of my body. I had later learned this is common in people with a possible Endorphin defficiency... (Like cutters do to their wrists etc.) Another thing to make mention of, in school, I would always start out really strong with grades (A's & B's), which would then completely diminish and motivation would fade as time progressed and I would end up with D's & F's.

As far as family history is concerned, I can definitely see some patterns.. I don't have a big family, but my fathers side suffers from alcoholism, my father has been a compuslive gambler and used various pro-hormone/steroid substances along with off and on use of cocaine. His parents are 2:30pm drinkers who will consume about 6-7 shots of straight alcohol in an hour. This side of the family also suffers from sleeping troubles.. Another similar trait worth mentioning, both my father and his parents set out with big promises, or goals, and then have trouble sticking to it as well.. Very indecisive also.

My mothers side of the family suffers from anxiety and depression as well as alcoholism and I have a cousin who is completely bi-polar and tried to kill herself. Although, I have to say, my mother is one of the most normal people you would ever meet.. Also, Both sides of the family are coffee drinkers.

ANYWAYS, about 3-4 weeks ago I quit both the marijuana and pod tea cold-turkey because I had entered a slamming case of a depression after spending like 90% of the money in my bank acount, and thought getting off the drugs would help things... WRONG

Physical withdrawls weren't really any problem for me, I had a few days of diareah, but not really too big of a deal.. But the results mentally have been unbelievable to deal with! I now feel as if my compulsivity, indecisiveness, memory, & focus have been potentiated & worsened x100.. Big problem focusing, even worse racing thoughts, & even worse manic/depressive tendencies.. Big trouble retaining weight although my apetite is through the roof.. Sleeping was impossible for about 2 weeks, but now has started to return (luckilly). I've lost all my muscle mass and working out is a problem now because I always feel tired... Even worse though, now when I do something as simple as take a few walking steps, my heart will start to race uncontrollably. Also, I have to say i feel like a much stupider/far less intelligent person now since discontinuing the pot & pod tea..

I have read a lot about Endorphine Deficiency, and I think I may truly have it along with some other psycoholigical manic/depressive tendencies... Is there anyone who feels similar?? I have just started going to a shrink and immeadietly he wanted to dose me up with SSRI's.. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do, my career is suffering, and It's as if I care sometimes... but other times, I'm indifferent, as If i could give a shit about anything anymore.. I'm very interested in hearing what anyone has to say about the situation.. And I'm also quite interested in exploring some of these Psychiatrist prescribed medications to see if they'll help me.. But I'm very concerned that my life and everything I've worked for in music is evaporating and that I'll lose my creativity.. I don't even feel like i know what else to write here and I'm rambling on, but please, if there's anyone out there that can help.... Feel free to chime in..

best,

NEEDS HELP

needhelpnow added 5 Minutes and 36 Seconds later...

ALSO, here is a collection of info that I gave to my shrink yesterday... Sorry for the length here guys, but my problem seems to be rather complex.



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Current Situation :
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-Motivation is up and down, Sometime's no motivation whatsoever
(always been a problem all my life, even when having good things to look forward to and career enhancing possibilities are presented)

-Feelings of extreme worthlessness at time's, or at other times feelings of vast potential in many areas of life (both getting worse & more frequent)

-Problems retaining memory/information (only recently apparent and escelating to an extreme since quitting marijuanna/opiates)

-Off & on loss of focus

-Rediculous amounts of racing thoughts (also scatter brained)

-Excessive Compultions: biting nails, biting lips, picking of acne (and then asking myself, why the fuck did i do this??) - Life Long

-ALWAYS introverted/in my own head which is absolutely non-stop - Life long

-When things are good, they're 'really good', when things are bad, they are HORRIFIC

-I feel when I have a lot of promising things to look forward to I am more distracted from most of these symptoms. Then again, I have good things to look forward to now and am still in this 'piss-poor' mindset.

-Recent Spending spree (8grand in 3 months), 80% of bank account gone, mindset at the time: i'm just bettering my life, will have no problems making it back.. big mistake during these economic times

-Hard time seeing things through to the end (school: high school dropout, always started off consistantly with good grades, then later when the "going got tough", i'd go into an unmotivational/depressive episode)
*also present in my music career, have about 8 billion 70% finished projects, which have high potential, but for some reason i have trouble finishing it even though i clearly realize it would be a good idea to do so.

-Suicidal thoughts (Only Recently), most of the time in the mornings which stops around 2-4pm.

-Random weight gain and weight losses throughout my life, sometimes as heavy as around 200 pounds.

-Little to no contact with "like-minded-people" (especially an issue when you're pursuing a music career, with very few musically minded friends in the area other than on the internet)

-Always been very secluded, sedentary life, stick to my house (although this isn't a life i truly enjoy or desire, it seems as if i've often times lacked the motivation to change even the littlest of things and "stick to whats easy")… Also, I don’t find much enjoyment out of low-money bracket activities which is what is available at the current time.

-Slight Inability to 'move-on' & adapt to new things or accept change (even though i completely and utterly emphasize that change is 100% nessecary, maybe lacking the motivation?) - runs in fathers side of the family

-Heart tends to race when doing the most mundane tasks (walking around, lifting an object that isn't too heavy), working out is now a problem. (since quitting opiates)

-Extreme sleep deprevation, havn't had a 'good nights sleep' since discontinuing opiates. Also had sleeping trouble before beginning opiates, then when first using , i felt much more "normal"

-High irratabillity to extreme cold or extreme heat (life-long)

-When I want something, I NEEEEEED it.. - (life long) material posessions, career/life goals

-Sets up tons of work/projects, but hard to juggle all of them which leads me into a meltdown mode (recently realizing ways to deal with this)

-Extremely goal oriented, always looking for ways to better my life, but lately have been finding a lack of motivation to do so.

-Rediculously inconsistent, often times feeling what I'd call 'depersonalization". New week, different person!

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Family History:
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Alcoholism*, anxiety, & depression stemming up and down both sides of the family tree.

Father: At times, Compulsive gambler, previous drug use (cocaine, pro-hormones including steroid substances). Makes promises but doesn't see them through even the most simple of tasks, similar thing with grandparents.
^I Remember at a few select times in his life, when things had been bad he'd say "i dont care if i drive my car off a cliff right now". Now he plays it off like it's no big deal.

Mother: Very mentally stable, & hard worker, one of the most normal people you will ever meet with no history of substance abuse or depression.

Fathers side of the family tree: extreme memory problems, temprematic, very easilly offended or "snappy"

Siblings: Brother (Derek): exhibiting similar symptoms at an early age, sets high goals, with inabillity to see things fully through. Rediculously inconsistent.

Entire Family Tree: Coffee Drinkers



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Life on Opiates & Marijuanna:
(Opiates 2 years) EXTREME minimal dosage taken in Tea form - 3 cups per day, 1 taken at morning, 1 lunch, and 1 night time.
(Marijuanna 4-5 years) Roughly a gram per day spaced out over a period of time - 3 bowls vaporized (without harmful effects of smoking), morning, lunch, and night time.
(Coffee, normally 1 cup in the morning)
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-More motivated, weight completely stabilized, enjoyment out of the 'little things in life'

-No 'psychadelic properties' or truly negative effects, always fully operational/”whitty”.. not the typical user, always would get a 'feeling of well being' which would power me through my otherwise monotonous & boring daily tasks.

-No problems working out/excersizing

-Off and on problems with motivation & depression, but nothing like what I've experienced in 'sober-life'.. Things are much more bearable on this combination of substances, calmer person, much less irritated, anxiety at a minimum.

-Mindset of "anything is atainable, anything is possible, along with great business ideas which has now turned into feelings of little or no motivation, feelings of worthlessness, and feelings like great things in life are TOO hard to attain since quitting.

-Much less anxiety, much less depression which has now skyrocketed into extreme depression and extreme anxiety since quitting.

-Sleeping fine and uninterrupted, customary 8 hours feeling well rested, no problem waking up and going about daily tasks.. NEVER feeling 'dopey', just feeling like a normal human being with a nice buzz.

-Few physical problems during personal self-'detox' of the substances, which have been completely bearable, but mentally/psychologically things have been ridiculously horrible.. Failure to find enjoyment out of the little amount of things I tend to enjoyment in. (such as playing a great video game or watching a great film)

-Having trouble accepting life off these substances, as career wise and achievement wise, things only got better & better while being on them. (For instance, Remix & Production work for grammy nominated artists of which I have idolized, Releases on some of the worlds biggest dance music record labels)