How did swiy's drug habit start and/or escalate? specific factors? nature or nuture?

[Benniboi]

I am very interested to hear how peoples drug habits have began, and how they have accumulated over the years? been controlled or snowballed? any specific factors account for influence or personal tragedies acted as a catalyst? and the age old conundrum; was cannabis your gateway drug?


Here is my pet lizards account for his ascent into this spiral- it is rather long but if you can be bothered to persevere please let me know what you think, if you see any parallels or if you'd just like to throw a comment in! I'd love to read other peoples experiences and views! so here goes:



This is my story, I suppose to many people this will echo with pangs of the archetypal stereotype of the descent into the spiral of chaos which is the systematic addiction and compulsive behavioural patterns of your quintessential ‘junkie’ per say.
I was a late bloomer into the drug scene, although my genetic imprint left in me from my father should have already left me weary of my inherent predisposition to the dangers of all substances- illegal or otherwise. But neither the less I was a heavy social drinker from the age of 15 to 19- I guess you could root some of this issue to the underlying and ongoing problem of social binge drinking in our society, but my friends and I lived for the weekend, pubs, and as much alcohol as we could down. We didn’t just see it as a gateway to sexual endeavors, but as a lifestyle that we aspired to equally as much as we enjoyed. It was all considered harmless fun at the time, but at that age problems are never as usually identified as just put down to incandescent teenagerism. ‘He’s just growing up, you can have a bit of fun at that age’ would be the most common line strung from you average onlooker. What I didn’t realise was how much I would underestimate my ability to procrastinate and overall immaturity over the course of the next few years ahead, and how it would eventually cost me many things- although I still have a great deal more than many, and perhaps should not be so quick to be so cynical of my own endeavours- but again here goes.......

I first tried weed when I was going on 19. My mate Dan- a.k.a MC Freezy D had eventually worn down my strong reservations towards any illegal drugs by convincing me to try a joint during one of our ‘legendary mix sessions’. I will say that there were other factors looking back on this incident may have influenced my decision at the time (the breakdown in my first ever serious relationship and the impending onset of Uni) and one could argue that my rationale was mildly impaired, but again one thing that I will not do over the course of this macabre biography is to try to assign blame to anyone other than myself. I remember this incident very clearly, and I would be lying if I said it was a negative one- some of the other key incidents in my life I believe I have systematically blocked from my conscious memory in the interests of guilt and self preservation, but more on the psycho-analytical aspects of this later...

The feeling that I got was and still is difficult to summarise. I had been brought up with very strong ideals on the issues of drugs (thanks to good parenting), but no real understanding of them (this was not necessarily my parents’ faults as they had no real understanding of this issue either). To me, as an adolescent (I still believe that adulthood is not reached until the mid 20’s) I was at an age where I was questioning a great deal of social and theological issues on a very introspective level- something which would be catalysed exponentially by University and I suppose is a hallmark of the ascent into adulthood, and I found this feeling very hard to quantify. Drugs were bad weren’t they? Alcohol was ok though, this was something that my father, who I still idolised in a boyish fashion, had taught me over the course of my life: “as long as you stick to a few drinks son, you’ll be alright”

what I couldn’t fully fathom at the time or rather maybe didn’t want to fathom, was that my father was inadvertently advocating his own behaviour as he has suffered from an alcohol problem for at least the last quarter of his life. Now I was getting bored with the stinking hangovers- something from mothers side thankfully, and lewd/ loutish behaviour that accompanies binge drinking and found new solace in this feeling I got from marijuana, I saw everything in a different light on it, I would think introvertedly and intrinsically in a way that alcohol only looked to stifle, also no hangovers!, just tiredness the next day- not a problem to me as I was always a lazy shit at heart) So this was the situation for the summer of 2001. occasional smoking turned into something slightly more than recreational thanks to the introduction of a geeky mate called Max (completely digressing here but after a lot of thought and accumulation of evidence- I was sure he was trying to molest his cat at home! No wonder kids at school said he was a cat molester!) someone who I now feel mildly guilty of taking advantage of by allowing him to always purchase my weed for me (although I know I was fully conscious of this throughout) and who obviously saw a way to connect with me through evening weed smoking sessions- which would happen a fair few times a week in his car, aptly named the ‘maxi wagon’.

Concurrently my relationship with my first girlfriend had been in trouble throughout this time, now I can only stipulate the reasons for this but I believed then and I believe now that my decision to go away to Uni had provoked her into taking a three month work placement over in Spain in a vain attempt to spite me. In her absence I continued this course of lifestyle until she returned (she never knew I was smoking at the time) 1 week before uni started and callously proceeded to dump me the morning of her arrival. I can’t deny I had foreseen it as a mild possibility; ‘communications had been tepid throughout the last month of her absence’ but I was shocked by how much the pain of this cut through me, I felt extremely vulnerable at that time due to a culmination of a holiday with the lads gone bad- a habitual weed habit fucking up my eating to the point where I barely ate anything and puked for a week during, and the impending Uni issue. I’m not going to over-elaborate and i’m quite sure that my mates would verify this, that the break-up hit me like the proverbial ‘ton of shit’. Something I wasn’t expecting, I don’t think it was all through love as I always had mild reservations about the extent of my feelings towards Zoë, but I was in a very weak position and I think Zoë was the one constant in my life at that time, something I thought I knew wasn’t changing, unlike everything else around me. I cried on and off for a whole week, not the most manly course of action but what can I say, I have 2 sisters and have always been a tad sensitive.

Anyway I proceeded with the Uni thing, puking on the way down because I was so nervous, and setting in motion the events that would inexorably lead to me eventually dropping out of Exeter, graduating to IV heroin and crack cocaine use, stealing, robbing, serving up, getting arrested and losing 5 years of my life thus far......

Reputation Comments on this post:

	good story
	Very compelling story, despite the abrupt ending!

[harrygoldfarp]

So how did it go from pot to heroin?

[ex-junkie]

swim was a pot smoker back in the day. swim thinks that if people like the high of pot, then they are curious to experience the highs of other drugs, often telling oneself that youll just experience it the "once". (a very deluded belief for some)!

swim used to move a little bit of this and that around when she was younger, acid, speed. she never took any speed at first, only had a demand for it. having a drug always there means that when you start taking it, the addiction potential is there right from the start.

when swim was 17 she hooked up with a guy who she couldnt get rid of for approx 2 years. he sucked the utter life force out of swim, and introduced her to needles. his dad was a supplier, so the connections were awesome, however his dad met a woman who was addicted to smack, so eventually started selling smack instead of speed- because he had picked up a smack habit since meeting her.

there was also a demand for smack. swim continued to use speed, and moved the other, but eventually started to dabble and things went downhill from there.

had to kiss goodbye a good 7/8 years of swims life after that.

[Benniboi]

SWIEx- junkie, it is scary to see how easy it is to move between drugs when your reservations have been worn down about said drugs. opiates can be chipped but from my experience seem to cause a lot more harm than good to the majority of people that encounter them. is SWIY clean now?

Benniboi added 7 Minutes and 32 Seconds later...

SWIharrygoldfarb, My pet lizard started using heroin at university- on a fairly uniform trajectory through pot, to pills, to coke, to salvia and other assorted hallucinogens and then finally crack and heroin. I can honestly say that his experience of the past 5 years of this has obviously had some euphoria, but the problems, the lows and the general shit that has happened often saddens and shocks me when I think back on it. the most appropiate metaphor to use to sum up this cycle of addiction and behaviour would be to compare your actions and morality to like a step ladder; as in when you're at the top you look down and there's such a long way you never think you could get there, but one step at a time and after a few years you're in a place and doing things you never believed you would be capable of. My pet lizard has robbed people served up, been arrested, betrayed people that love him, all sorts of shit that makes him sick to think of now- but at the time, when the desperation kicked in, it was another story!

[harrygoldfarp]

Aye well thats the way it goes kidder.. Trouble is when addicted to smack the only thing that matters is where the next hits coming from it can be a very selfish habbit.

[ex-junkie]

Originally Posted by Benniboi

SWIEx- junkie, it is scary to see how easy it is to move between drugs when your reservations have been worn down about said drugs. opiates can be chipped but from my experience seem to cause a lot more harm than good to the majority of people that encounter them. is SWIY clean now?

yeah swim quit opiates in 2005.

unfortunately she followed the same path out of the forest, that she followed in. she had a stint of methamphetamine and ecstasy abuse that lasted up until around 18 months ago. she quit using needles when she quit the opiates though. started off eating the methamphetamines, then later smoking them.

clean now, aside from caffeine and nicotine.

[Rise against]

Swim's adderall habit started by complete accident. About a year ago he accidentally double dosed on his adderall XR prescription (at the time, swim didnt even know that you could get high from adderall), it was the first time swim was high lol. Swim enjoyed his pleasant mistake, but didnt overdose on his adderall again untill a couple months ago... After weeks of being depressed and lonley, swim decided to double dose on his adderall again. He started by taking 60mg of xr... now swim is a somewhat "regular" adderall user. Swim has had 240mg of XR in the past 24 hours... it is currently 4am and swim hasnt slept for days. At least swim isnt depressed anymore.

Oops, swim thought that he was in the amphetamine forum... oh well

[Benniboi]

Originally Posted by Rise against

Swim's adderall habit started by complete accident. About a year ago he accidentally double dosed on his adderall XR prescription (at the time, swim didnt even know that you could get high from adderall), it was the first time swim was high lol. Swim enjoyed his pleasant mistake, but didnt overdose on his adderall again untill a couple months ago... After weeks of being depressed and lonley, swim decided to double dose on his adderall again. He started by taking 60mg of xr... now swim is a somewhat "regular" adderall user. Swim has had 240mg of XR in the past 24 hours... it is currently 4am and swim hasnt slept for days. At least swim isnt depressed anymore.

Oops, swim thought that he was in the amphetamine forum... oh well

I think it doesn't matter what substance it is- I know because of the pharmacokenitics of opiates, it theoretically makes them more prone to abuse and addiction, but most substances can be abused to the point of addiction and the repercussions on quality of life can be immense- does swiy feel that he is over the worst of it now?

Benniboi added 46 Minutes and 16 Seconds later...

just thought i'd add as well- if anyone likes the story (as i suppose it is in a sort of biographical fashion) I will write the rest of it at peoples behest- to be fair it does have an abrupt ending- i just didn't want to be too long initially! needless to say the ending parts will be much darker and sordid than the beginning! let me know what people think!

[yulamada]

Originally Posted by Benniboi

...if anyone likes the story (as i suppose it is in a sort of biographical fashion) I will write the rest of it at peoples behest...

SWIY could post the sordid tale, in it's entirety, to the blog associated with their Drugs-Forum user profile. That may be a more apt place for the personal dissertation. My badger thinks its a grand idea to put those thoughts onto a physical medium if you haven't before. Writing can be an exceptionally cathartic experience, often helping the writer get that 'outside the box' view of their life.

Good luck!

[Benniboi]

alright everyone, I thought i'd take SWIYulamada's advice and post it all in the blog section, but here is a bit more if anyone would like to read, just a word though, it was hard for my pet lizard to recall some of this stuff, he just thought it would be best to be honest and impartial about the whole experience, so here goes:

The first time I had opted to use heroin I believe now that I was in some sort of semi-conscious state of denial about the substance itself, opting to believe that the government through its prohibition propaganda and scaremongering, had inevitably woven this intricate web of deceit to capitulate its right wing ideals (possibly a bit conspiracy theorist but hey I was at university!) I’m not suggesting that the general information available about heroin was inaccurate by any means, but the manor in which the government had demonised it made me very sceptical. At this point I had a beautiful relationship with cannabis (I had been growing the stuff with some success for the greater part of three years) and was very liberalist on the substance stance. I had believed the government had painted an unrealistic picture of many other drugs out there, so why was heroin any different?
I began chasing it on foil, and immediately fell in love with the ‘stillness’ of it, it evoked a calmness and beauty that was unlike anything I had experienced before. I would have chased that high any day over the psychosis-laden and sometimes unpredictable mash that was gleaned from THC, especially after a few years of continuous usage. The idea of physical addiction never even entered my periphery throughout the three months I was chasing, and after a semi-successful end to the academic year, I decided to buy a 16th oz, head home and knock it on the head for a while. I had never even considered that I would have suffered any withdrawals, and all I can attest to, is there is only one thing worse than cold turkey; A cold turkey that is unprepared for and not fully understood. Needless to say I thought I was dying for a good week- no sleep, vomit, violent shaking, a multi-coloured roller coaster assortment of agony, sweat and nausea. I had to come clean with my parents- as in come clean about the opium laced marijuana that some callous bastard had flogged to me (wink wink lol!) And had proclaimed my ‘shock-horror’ at the realisation of this evil act! Who’d of thought eh!
The problem was (and I suppose is the first hallmark of an addiction) even in the face of common sense, you are inclined to rationalise your own skewed perspective in order to facilitate your next fix. Obviously as soon as I got back to university I bought some more- ergo the story continues through a all too familiar trajectory of buying 8-balls and rocks of crack every 2 days until all my money and items had been exhausted. I will not go into too much detail about the mundane details of this, what I will do is recall some of the most dramatic lows of where these drugs and my addiction took me, so here goes:

Performing mouth to mouth resuscitation on my girlfriend for 15 minutes after she OD’d through doing a hit that I believed to be way within her tolerance, I thought she was dead, I couldn’t feel a pulse (I now realise it must have been so feint that it was close to nothing) I breathed for her and performed cpr for all that time, when she started breathing again I just burst into tears, I couldn’t fathom fully what had happened- It was like her life force just seeped back into her (it still makes me feel sick thinking about it now).

Robbing someone at knifepoint (I feel disgusted by this act by the way but in the interests of honesty and to paint a picture of what type of person I was I will endeavour to show you this aspect of my persona as an example of how fucked my morale compass actually was at that time)

Serving up to a half ounce of heroin and crack cocaine a day, coupled with at least a £250 a day habit. I actually found out through a mate that I was under surveillance for a week or so (I thought those people outside my house were there a lot!)
And if people could see some of my business associates at the time, some of these boys really would kill you for crossing them- it scares me rigid to think that I actually pushed a few of them to the limit without getting my kneecaps torn off or a knife or bullet to the stomach. I actually had a gun pointed at me through a late payment of cash which I’m not going to go into detail about but needless to say I never did that again.

Stealing a plethora of items from my family’s house including money, DVD’s games, computers, you name it. I feel this is one of the hardest issues to get over- the betrayal of trust; I still get upset thinking about this. Obviously all my stuff has been sold or pawned, including about £7,000 worth of music production equipment that I will probably never get back.

Getting dumped into the priory, using whilst I was in there, getting kicked out, using at work, using at the airport, using in the police station (I had a bag they didn’t find, and promptly sniffed in my cell!) Using everywhere possible to use.

Arrested in possession of heroin and crack, lucky not to get sent down for that one!

There are many more crazy experiences that I will update soon- please people let me know what you think:

[harrygoldfarp]

feeling your pain there.. especialy the bit about selling all your music gear. cos i did the same. bit by bit it went first the mixing desk then the keyboard, speakers, decks the lot! i even sold my vinyl

[ex-junkie]

Originally Posted by harrygoldfarp

feeling your pain there.. especialy the bit about selling all your music gear. cos i did the same. bit by bit it went first the mixing desk then the keyboard, speakers, decks the lot! i even sold my vinyl

damn. feeling your pain with the vinyl.

swim sold her drums when she was fucked on smack. however since quitting, shes bought 2 dedicated production pcs, a presonus firestudio project, pair of emez quartz monitors, djm800, pair of 1210s, one cdj1000MK3, roland TD3 electronic drumkit, and a virus TI.

not to mention shitloads of vinyl.

keep your chin up swiharrygoldfarp, because times will change. its not all doom + gloom if you dont want it to be.

[harrygoldfarp]

aw thanks babe.

It's cool. I got over that long time ago.
Nice bit of music kit you got there then. I'm happy with my mp3's my laptop/software and a decent pair of cans nowadays.

[ex-junkie]

^what programs you using for production?

[harrygoldfarp]

Originally Posted by ex-junkie

^what programs you using for production?

see pm

[ex-junkie]

ah nice. i can flip you some tunes for collabs n keep you busy if you like.

[Spucky]

Swim still remember,
it was the Day we had "Black Rain" from the Tschernobyl Diasaster,
the Clouds was sooooo Black with a lot of Thunder inside, like in a Movie!

That Day swim get used by a Gun for the first Time,
because he was thinking everything will be over soon.
It was really a "No Future Day",
i remember even the Soundtrack- Elisabeth Fraser/ Mortal Coil: "Song to the Siren"

[Junkhead23]

Hmm where to start.

Pacman started drinking heavily at about 13 and continued this for about 6 years solid. He started going into nightclubs etc at 16. He first smoked weed aged 15 and didnt like it much and then started smoking tobacco at around 16. At age 15 his sister disappeared and he never seen her again and his nana also dies in this period.

Soon after he met some new friends who were big ecstasy aker so he started taking ecstasy and also selling it (He doesn't any more) At the ime he thought he was clever being a dealer but it reall asn't orth the hassle as usuall he would give them away and eat the rest himself leading to much debt. As he was dealing he could have as many pills as possible which he did which has lead to depression and anxiety (also many other conributing factors which he will not go into) on large scale.

He also started abusing whizz and smoking weed a lot soon after this and tried acid and mushrooms for the first time too.

As the depression grippd hold of him more and more he kinda realised he couldnt do ecstasy any more and turned to heroin when it was offered to him by a friend. Turned out hat heroin was his best friend with regards to depression and it really made him feel better when he first started taking it.

This lead o him losing his job, friends, started injecting, shoplifting and the rest is history

[Mesaja]

At first,it was just a weekend use for SWIM.
Than,that summer come,when SWIM started using daily,in large doses.
Once or twice,he tried to kick the habbit,but the w/d was so intense,he just couldnt do it.
Than,SWIM somehow,managed to get rid of his habbit,a live drug free for two months(exept for cannabis).
A specific factor that lead his habbit to escalation,was broking up with his girlfriend.
SWIM didnt know what to do at the time,so the pills were his best friends,and he took advantage of them,cause they were so available and cheap,and the high was the only thing that could keep SWIMs mind off his ex-girlfriend.
So,thats why swim is a junkie right now,a lost love.(so pathetic,aint it?)

[oxynomo]

Swims story of the beginning of the end.Starts with the weed but not out hanging with friends but on the way to school with his pals.the walk to school was about 49 minutes and after some time we were smoking the whole 40 minutes.that was around age 13 or 14 so you can imagine school work suffered as swim was too tired to work.By 15 this was an everyday thng plus the quick 1 or 2 at lunch time,then the ones after school going home.Around the same time a trend started of family medicine cabinets raids reeling in thigs like eskatrols,valiums,black beauties.didn't care what we got as long as we got to feed our brains.By 16 or 17 besides the costant inhalation of weed now was the times of LSD,mushrooms and yhis crazy powder sold in my are as T ?That shit was so potent a line the size of a matchhead and tour mind was totally gone;can'see straight if at all'can't walk properly can't do shit cept be wasted.By19 -20 methamphetamine was #1 nasal for a short time then IV all the time.Occasionally throw some H in the mix.This lasted for around 4 years,by then swims up to 3 grams of super potent uncut slab a week.the IVing of the shit slowly goes wayside cause of the more and more reports of AIDS.So swim dives right into new drug of choice, coke. Swim abuses this for a few years and manages to keep it under control somewhat.He even just plain old stops.Now swim stays clean of any drugs for 2-3 years then the major back problems.This is swims downfall as no matter what doctor swim gets oxy.After some time swim is really ejoying it,has it all the time,life couldn't be better or so he thought.Soon he coulnt get enough knew it was now the drug that was running swim.Found this sight and read patient Xs story and made up his mind to do the same.So far so good no oxy since Jan.3 and is reallyreally felling GOOD.Luck to all in cleaning up!o

[ex-junkie]

^swiy is doing great, and its good to hear.

[kaloochi]

AF started very young, 14 it was. It was the early eighties and heroin hit London in a big way. AF used to look up to the older kids on the council estate where he lived and they were all doing drugs.
Cannabis, LSD, downers and heroin all happened at around about the same time so it wasn't because he'd taken cannabis that he got on H. Cocaine and crack came along a bit later for AF.
AF was easily led and was looking for a male role model, he thinks, in the absence of one in his father who was a heavy drinker. AF isn't bad mouthing his dad here, he died just before christmas and AFs still struggling to come to terms with that. He loved his dad and realises he had his own demons that he either couldn't or wasn't prepared to deal with. Much like Bennibois dad, booze was acceptable.
AF was a very bright kid, he came top of his primary school when he left but chose to hang around with the kids who weren't so academically able. He's not trying to blow his own trumpet here but thinks somehow his early choices had something to do with how he ended up. He was always being told how much potential he had etc etc but he wasn't interested in any of that, instead he got into all sorts of trouble. He got arrested for the first time when he was 11. Although always up to no good, none of these early friends got involved in drugs, it was with the older kids that this problem started. He chose the wrong friends/aquaintences/paths early on and it was in his nature to do this and he doesn't know why. Af isn't a bad person but has always been rebelling against something although he's not quite sure what. Sort of rebel without a clue.
The drugs, mainly heroin, got hold of AF very fast and he would burgle houses, among other crimes, to fund his habit. He is quite ashamed of some of the more serious stuff he done.
Once in school he crept into the staff room and stole a teachers purse so he could get some gear. There was another kid there with him who never had anything to do with the theft but whom AF gave some money. Much later in life when in his latre twenties AF was in the pub with the kid, by now a man, and he told AF that he remembers how with the money he'd bought sweets and AF bought heroin.
AF was injecting by the time he was 17 or 18 and after 4 detoxes aged 18/19 remained heroin free for over 4 years. There were a lot of other drugs taken in that time namely coke, xtc, benzos to name a few.
He relapsed aged 23 after his friend was stabbed in the heart and died at a party. AF was also stabbed and had his face cut. He found this very hard to come to terms with. Then it was back on that downward spiral into chaos.
Gonna have to cut this short here because this is by far the longest post AFs ever written and it's turning into a life story which wasn't intended at the onset. A lot of shit has happened since then, prison, deaths, the average life of a drug addict on the streets, the details of which you'll be spared, but it's all because of drugs.
AFs 41 now and that bastard fucking heroin still has a hold of him. If anyones interested there's a lot more but maybe it'd be best to write it down by way of identification to other peoples posts.

PS AF hasn't given up hope

XXX

[1potman4ever]

swim started off on pot swim's uncle done meth in front of them and kept pushing it on the 15 yr old so of coarse swim gave in and 1 hit is all it took soon after smim started cooking and never quit despite jail attempts on his life and so.Then swim found the needle and has been on it for 5 years now.swim's uncle is now back in prison 6 months after getting out for yet another meth lab and persistant felony offender swim's has one hell of a family all addicted on pills coke meth so swim was doomed from birth.

[hiGhASaKitE 420]

swim has a long story with her drug habits. swim tries to blame others but knows its her fault. swim began drinking bottles of cough syrup at the age of 11. also when swim began drinking. as she turned 12, she began smoking weed. swim was not that much into weed at first because she had a constant supply of pills, stealing them from her mom. at 13 is when swim really began to smoke and drink.. also becoming more involved with ritalin and diazepam (valium). swim then began getting loratabs from her friends and as she turned 14 is when the serious drugs began. during swim's 14th year is when she tried everything from coke to shrooms to oxys to ecstacy. swim was mainly a heavy pot smoker, until she convinced her boyfriend to keep buying & selling oxys. since that, swim has been battling on & off with her addiction to oc. Within the past few months, while swim's pockets have shrank, she had no choice but to buy some heroine. swim would not inject at first, only sniffing it. but once she first shot up, sniffing is not the same anymore.. & the first time her turtle shot up an OC, was the best experience of swim's life. swim went through a binge & her friends got all on her back. now swim is discretely injecting, having to sneak in her bathroom while her friends are wondering where the fuck she went... drugs have changed swims life & put her through MORE THAN ENOuGH. but swim can't change... swim would like to tell people not to get themselves into hardcore drugs because they take you over.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Interesting account of how you got progressively more involved with harder drugs. That said you can change, and let's ho...

[theswimmer]

Some old geezer on the bus told me this story:

My personal journey began with Pot at age 9 or 10, we used to go down to some relatives basement and indulge heavily. The pot continued till age 21 or so when I finally just didn't enjoy smoking it anymore.

At around age 13 I began drinking heavily on the weekends, and spilling over into the week on occasion with some friends, usually polishing off a mickey of Jack Daniels every 2nd or 3rd morning on the school bus with a friend.

The heavy drinking continued until about 22, then it turned into 3-6 months abstinence followed by a MAJOR alcohol/coke binge where I'd sniff enough coke to kill most anyone else, stay awake for a week, etc.

The coke use itself started at around age 16, every time we got drunk, never sober. almost all of my friends are in the industry in some shape or form although I am not anymore. To this day I can't get drunk without giving in and getting a bunch of coke. For this reason I limit my drinking to at least once every 3-4 months.

At around 16-17 we used to do MDMA or MDA quite a bit as well, as it was always a great time. Eventually this was phased out because I simply thought of it as the poor mans coke, and I was not poor.

From 14-18 there were several mushroom/acid experiences, until one day when I ate enough mushrooms that I was physically stuffed from eating so many after a huge coke binge (I thought they would help me come down) Let's just say I've never toucehd a psychadelic again, and never will.

The drinking/coke kind of phased itself out eventually due to me always feeling so terrible after doing it, I manage to hold off for at least 4-5 months now but eventually I go out and get drunk when I see my friends and I always, always end up with a half ounce of coke in my pocket.

The opiates started around age 21 in the form of poppy seed tea, I had finally found my calling. I was a very depressed person throughout my whole life hence my heavy drug use. I at first made seed tea every 3 days. This lasted for quite a while until I finally bought some pods and switched to every day use. This lasted for quite.

I knew several my friends were addicted to this "mythical" oxycontin although I had become such a hermit recluse by that time due to wanting to stay away from all the coke that I never saw them do it, or found out where they bought it to get some of my own. Eventually I found my own Oxy hookup and went on a huge bender for about 6 months, consuming 23 80s on my biggest day. I ran out of money/credit, depressingly went through w/d, and then got back on the pills but at much smaller "maintenence doses" since even though I'm not getting high, it still makes me not want to kill myself.

I think I'll stay on some form of opiates forever, as while I'm on them even if not high I'm happy, productive, really nice with my family, everything is just better. I just have to be armed with the knowledge I have now, that i can't just wildly consume as much as I want because I can't afford it. If I come accross a large settlement or win the lottery etc, my usage would skyrocket to as much as possible.

I live in a small town so switching to heroin isn't an option, although I would in a second were it available, though I would prefer getting a government sponsored methadone dose every day as it would be much more econimically viable. It's all about what you can afford.

Some of the years etc may be wrong in my story, after all I've abused drugs heavily for many years, who knows if my memory is fucked or not.

theswimmer added 1 Minutes and 3 Seconds later...

BTW: methadone and sub are not an option, no clinics where I live. I don't have the balls to ask my GP since I wanna be able to get prescription pain meds when I'm old and brittle, that's the only thing I have to look forward to with age. not worth sacrificing now.

theswimmer added 2 Minutes and 9 Seconds later...

I would also like to recommend to steer clear of opiates unless you can afford them forever, because if your as an addictive of a personality as me your life will never be the same without them.