Journal - the upward spiral: the role of relapse in recovery

[Ilsa]

i think you (on the R and A forums) all know me well enough now to know that i have to make sense of the whole process of recovery, including relapse, which is often a part of it all for many of us.

it's been a rough couple of months, full of peaks and troughs, and i have yet to see solid land, as it were. or maybe i've been standing on dry land the whole time and it's me that's pitching and reeling.

nevertheless, my cat finds herself in what seems to be the same spot as before....she's not posted her story in it's entirety in any one spot, mainly because it's too much for her to think about all at once....but it's that time.

she relapsed a few weeks ago, and was back up to her max dose in a matter of days, IV. it was only a week, but it was enough to make her sick....and she's not been dopesick (or pillsick, in this case) in some time. she got off opiates (for the second time) last fall and was clean for a couple of months before injuring her back. she thought she had it under control....keyword there is THOUGHT.

she thought she was ok just using on the weekends and then it all evolved again, just as it has in the past: occasional use slowly becomes weekly, then weeekly beomes every few days, then every day. by then her tolerance is high enough that she again resorts to the needle to catch a buzz...fortunately she ran out of money at the end of that week (she knew she'd have to stop regardless, or just quit her grad program due to lack of getting anything done, and the latter is not an option). she used suboxone and kratom to get through the mild wd's that comprised the aftermath of that week. she not sick now, but is dealing with the effects of post acute withdrawal, the exhaustion and anxiety mainly.

so, third time's a charm. there can be no occasional use; it's too easy to let it become an escape. there can be no excuses; there are alternatives. the depression is the most difficult part: it kills her curiosity, her drive to explore, her motivation to maintain her support system and leaves her sitting and staring blindly into space for hours sometimes. then she sees the mountains coming to life and turning green with spring again and reminds herself that she's been here before; she's passed by this spot, only this time she has that much more knowledge of herself and her demon. this is how recovery and relapse are like an upward spiral: passing what seems to be the same spot repeatedly, thinking "what the fuck? why can't i just be strong and NOT FUCKIN DO IT?" but she has to stop and remember that she's a little higher up on the spiral, who knows where the apex is, but she's not just coming home from florida, strung out and emaciated and having quit grad school altogether (first time getting off of it, altough she didn't really recover, she switched to alcohol and coke, but quit using IV). she's not just starting this program for grad school and terrified of failing (second time, last fall, had been totally clean for a month or so after slowing down on the drinking and quitting coke), then started the insidious use that led up to her getting dopesick again. using suboxone and rapidly tapering off that, she used the two weeks in california over xmas to get clean again and had started spring term strong, but with a back injury that got her started on pills again and brings this story back to the beginning (the relapse a few weeks ago).

she used twice this week: 30 mg's oxymorphone a couple nights ago and 40 mg's oxycodone last night.

today begins abstinence....the physical wd's aren't an issue, but the psychological ones are raging, so she's hoping getting all this out will help.


she thinks (and feel free to disagree) that the vast majority of addicts relapse at some point or other and that relapse (or, more accurately, overcoming it) is a part of the recovery process, and it functions in teaching us where our boundaries lie, raising self-awareness, and hopefully, teaching us to be brutally honest with ourselves about where we are REALLY at psychologically. it teaches us about taking responsibility for our actions and not making excuses/rationalizing use and abuse....junkies are some of the greatest liars and most resourceful manipulators on the planet, myself included. relapse is the kick in the ass for those of us who try to lie to ourselves or ignore what we know to be the healthier course of action.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Very thought provoking post. I hope for nothing but the best for you

[oxynomo]

Hearin this has made swim feel really sad,heart goes out to you.As you stated'There can be no occasional use' is the one thing you must try and stick to cause all of us fighting the shit know that word occasional is bull.It ends up being something like a yellow taffic signal,just go through it and its all green ahead,no stopping insight.Wishing and hoping the best for you.o

[Ilsa]

thanks, swi-o, i had a feeling you'd be among the first to reply.

my cat is just struggling with years of emotions that were kept in check with use....probably why she's stayed away from any psychedelics in the last five or so years---you can't lie to or run away from yourself on those.

just watched bits and pieces of a series on ibogaine that the cat uploaded here.

just makes her think that she needs to get out of her own head a little more...which yoga and meditation help with, but it's good to know htere are some viable alternatives out there.

[rokman nash]

My friend Dave can totally relate with this.He is in a similar situation and in 4 days was back at his toxic dose like he hadn't stopped for 4 months.

Coming to these realizations is (he thinks) a large step in the right direction.We have no one to blame but ourselves for these relapses.Sounds like your head is in the right place,and he wishes you nothing but success in round three(two for him).


Good thoughts

[Ilsa]

yeah, willingness to admit there's a problem (looky there, something NA and i agree on! lol) is a huge step....the next big one is all the small ones, the ones that come up in daily life and sneak up and slap me when i'm not looking.

[MaryWarner]

Originally Posted by Ilsa

yeah, willingness to admit there's a problem (looky there, something NA and i agree on! lol) is a huge step....the next big one is all the small ones, the ones that come up in daily life and sneak up and slap me when i'm not looking.

to my cat these NA things make sense like sense that is inherent to all inertial systems. and he thinks that every little step even relapse and overcoming it leads to the next little step.
six years ago (really six, SWIM cant believe it) my cat relapsed after being clean for two years. he nearly killed himself, but found the way home and did the little step telling his doctor, who had treated him before detox and rehab with methadone.
at that time he thought relapsing made him sicker than he was before. during his time of cleanness he went a lot to meetings, not NA but a group of (former)addicts and had concentrated so much on being clean that relapsing to him seemed like having lost AGAIN.
it took my cat a long time to see that our inner hole-fixer is the one that tells us such shit about relapsing.
one thing to add: my cat , since then , never again tried to taper off or quit using Methadone,- his fear is not relapsing, but the bad feeling that comes afterward, when his demon tries to tell him what awful kind of looser he is.
it took my cat a long time to give this child that name.
he told SWIM, not to let go the thought of getting off again- but not to force him in things he is afraid of.
so my cat waits for the little "click" of the switch in his head switching one step further in recovery. and he knows it comes, let go perhaps quicker than forced.

[Grabnar]

swim doesn't like to post here because his idea of recovery and the standard model are too differing factors. swim spent several years clean after his government capture. but when swim was released all the classes and information transformed back into a needle before his eyes. swim went to the classes with the spike in his pocket. swim instakicked several times with suboxone b/c they were readily available. but every time the hunger returned. swim had to move away from where he lived so suboxone under the tongue and off to another state. 3 days later swim acquires a signifigant quantity of tramadols and eats them like skittles for several weeks to make up for his lack of harder stuff. swim moves again some 800 miles (don't even ask) swim switches completely from opiates to marijuana the next day. swim smokes TONS of marijuana to deal with the stress of no opiate receptor luvvin. swim is now opiate free 9 months. swim is now marijuana dependant and can deal with that compared to a brick of dope a week. maybe the spiral goes both ways? who knows, not me.

[Ilsa]

^^ swiy is posting in the right place....none of the people in this thread are fans of the diesease modelof addiction/NA

and MW's cat seems to be thinking along the same lines....

[QUOTE]he thinks that every little step even relapse and overcoming it leads to the next little step.[QUOTE/]

this is what i mean about an upward spiral....we relapse, which seems like we've just gone in a circle, but in fact we are armed with a litttle more knowledge of ourselves and our demons each time it happens, so we haven't come back to the same place. yes, it's a similar one, but it's not the same; it's like two steps forward and one back, but the net effect is progress.

update on my cat: no opiates last night, just 3 mgs clonazepam and a bowl...not bad, especially when her dealer is calling her non-stop!

[pinksox]

Stay strong young Skywalker.

Seriously, SwiIlsa, there's not a former opie addict SWIM knows that hasn't fallen off the train once or twice in their path to recovery. SWIM included.

Fortunately, for SWIM, she was pretty naive back then--perhaps still is to some degree. SWIM did her undergrad at a pretty remote, rural private college and while SWIM is sure there were probably a handful of opie suppliers in a 40-mile radius, she'd didn't have the slightest clue who they were or how to find them. Between school and between SWIM being a young parent at the time SWIM didn't really have the time to go hunting either.

SWIM's PCP's was also well-aware of SWIM's addiction. In fact, the first time SWIM really did need opiates for legitimate pain control. But, even those few times SWIM really need opiates for pain control--fortunately they were all acute issues and nothing that needed to be longterm at that point--she had to fight with her PCP.They tend to want to NEVER prescribe former addicts opiates for anything, ever, LOL. But after that initial "discussion" SWIM's doctor became somewhat more amiable about occasionally writing, very occasionally writing, for them.

But, each time SWIM would end up abusing whatever she had left after her acute 3-4 day condition got better. The few times a small quantities of whatever opiate crossed SWIM's path, she abused that too. Fortunately again, those instances were few and far between and never came close to putting SWIM back into tolerance or withdrawals when they ran out. But the cravings were always there. The cravings were a bitch those first few, mostly clean years. And if SWIM had been in an urban environment where these things are more easily obtained, SWIM probably would have been screwed(SWIM doesn't have much willpower, LOL).

In fact, SWIM doesn't think that she could have successfully gone through the initial acute withdrawal process short of being in a secure environment. The PAWS was awful for SWIM as well. She completely understands what kitten means about having to learn to deal with "feelings" again. Damn, that was so overwhelming. And then there was the void that the loss of opiates produced--almost like missing a part of oneself. Not knowing what to do with their newly sober self. Nothing seemed to hold the same appeal it had opiated.

SWIM had her son toward the tail of of PAWS(which lasted a good 18-24 months with SWIM). And she had a really hard time bonding with him. What seemed to have come so effortlessly with her daughter(who was nearly 3 when the boy was born) just didn't come with her son or she should say it came much, much more slowly--developing over years instead of weeks. Add that to the fact that SWIM was in PAWS and babyboy was incredibly cranky and miserable. The child literally screamed a good 6-7 hours a day. There were times SWIM had to just put him in his crib and got sit on the porch because otherwise SWIM was gonna toss the little buggar out the window, LOL. It got better after, even through her GP's protests, she switch him to soy formula(her daughter had been milk sensitive too). But by that time, damage had been done and it probably wasn't until he was two or so that SWIM had the same bond with him that she had with her daughter.

SWIM also didn't go through PAWS without abusing some other substances either. First, she found, all by her little self, that a couple Tylenol flu and Cold pills along with 1/3 of a bottle of Robotussin made her feel pretty damn good. She was a regular purchaser of both items for the next year or so. Then, for some reason she can't recall anymore, she switched over to diphenhydramine. She took at least 75mg/day, but often she took 50-75mg several times/day. Probably for a good year and a half.

She took them antihistamines in such amounts and for so long that their use put SWIM right into a diagnosis of adult-onset asthma. There were times SWIM needed to not only use inhalers and oral steroids, but there were periods that she was hooked up a nebulizer 3-4 times daily as well. She didn't have the knowledge back then that she does now, but what she didn't have adult asthma what she'd done it pretty much cement the mucous in her airways to a point that overtime it'd significantly reduced their diameter causing her asthma-like symptoms.

Then one day, no reason at all really, SWIM just stopped with the diphenhydramine. Over time, perhaps 6-9 months her "asthma" symtoms pretty much resolved themselves and her pulmonary finction returned to normal. But she did do a bit of longterm damage because still to this day when SWIM gets even a chest cold, she back on the MDI's. And if it's much more than a chest cold, she's using both the MDI's and the combi nebs to boot.

Many years later, SWIM would have to go back onto opiates for neuropathic and muscular pain secondary to longstanding MS. SWIM was a little concerned initially, but there was no way on godsgreenearth she was about to tell ANY of her current docs about her past opiate issues. By the time this can to be, SWIM had go completely through PAWS and had been many years without so much as a tinge of an opiate craving--and had even refused them a few times when offered. There's no way in hell SWIM could have used an opie in those intervening years without abusing and likely kicking off another years-long cycle of misuse and abuse. Fortunately, there were many years in-between her dance with the Devil and her medical condition necessitating opiates as a modality of pain control(there's lots of other things she does/uses as well).

Todays SWIM has to take opiates in order to function and be able to be active enough to be a decent parent and provider to her kids. And she takes them mostly as prescribed...she certainly doesn't "abuse" them. But on good days, she takes less than the amount written and on bad days, she takes more. In the end, it all evens out...she's never had a "short" month. She does enjoy an occasional benzo "indulgence" here and again... but now knows enough she'd never put herself back into an addiction.

In fact, most often she has opie pills left over despite living next to a neighbor who IS SWIM 12 years ago...in fact, this "child" goes to a doctor in the very same two-man practice where SWIM's issues began so many years ago. She just sees the other guy instead of the one who was once SWIM's PCP/GP and who helped spawn SWIM's nightmare so many years ago.

SWIM finds this new neighbor development "interesting." She is a strong believer in karma and the "everything happens for a reason," philosophy. These doctors aren't in the town SWIM lives in, but are a good 45-minutes away. The girl is the exact same age SWIM was back then and even has a son about the same age as SWIMs daughter was when SWIM was going through PAWS. And SWIM wonders what role SWIM is meant to play in the girls life. Right now, the girl is to the point that she knows she has a problem that she occasionally wants to fix. But SWIM doesn't think that the girl has hit "the wall" yet so to speak. there's still much of partying and the abuse cycle that the girl enjoys. SWIM's not quite sure what to do or think yet so she's kinda hanging back, wating and watching how things are going to play out. But she'll do what she can for the girl when her time to confront the "Devil" is right. She might even encourage her a bit here and there along the way.

So, SwiIsla is correct SWIM believes. Most addicts, if not all, relapse at some point. And the falling isn't what's important. It's the picking oneself up, brushing off the grime, and moving forward again that counts. PiSo, the cat, didn't mean to ramble so long. She just to share a bit of her story to encourage SwiIlsa that we all stumble at some point. It's not as important as picking up and continuing to move forward. SwiPiSo wishes her the best of luck is her journey

Reputation Comments on this post:

wonderful fersonal insight, great contribution

[Ilsa]

^^ wow, my cat thanks swipiso for her story....the last two years are really the only time kitten has been struggling with opiates...she was able to do a vicodin here and there no problem, for years. she starting shooting oxycodone in grad school, but only every month or so. it wasn't until she had a major depressive episode (coming off of venlafaxine, even on a slow taper, is a bitch) that she got this fuck all attitude and started worked up to daily coke and heroin use, IV all the time.

it supplanted everything else...drugs became a substitute for people and relationships. she's well past that point now, but is facing the tidal wave of emotion that's built up over the last two years of intense self-abuse.

it never ceases to amaze her, she graduated top of her class in micro/molecular biology and smoked pot, drank, did a little coke here and there (all in moderation,and she could go without then, with no problem) all through undergrad.

the paws is what she's having the most trouble with for now, but she is starting to feel things again, so it's a start.


so my cat realized yesterday that her slip earlier this week (the 40 mg's oxycodone that one night, mentioned inthe OP) threw her back into mild wd's....she woke up sweating and had tossed and turned (rls-like feelings) all night. fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK....she's using kratom (very low doses) to function at work, using 4 capsules yesterday morning and 2 this morning so she can eat (she's lost weight already and can't afford to lose much more) and just not feel sick all day. sleep was not good last night and she's exhauseted, but she knows this will get better.

she has been researching ibogaine adn ayahuasca (which is actually available here, if one knows where to look), but is too tight on money this month to even consider trying one of these, and she needs to do more research of course, as neither of these are to be taken lightly.

she does have several 2c's on hand, but these are phenylethylamines and not tryptamines, so she's not sure that they could serve the same purpose, as their chemical structures differ somewhat significantly.

[chillinwill]

Ilsa, doesn't it amaze us that after all the pain and suffering we have been through in the past and we thought we have learned from it, we do it all over again? Although SWIY had a slip up, it seems like SWIY is conscious and fully aware of what is going on. Not only has SWIY posted on here about it, but they are posting the circumstances involving it and trying to rally back onto the recovery track. We all have our own ways of recovery (well for the people on here that don't believe in the NA/AA disease model of addiction).

Just because SWIY has slipped up doesn't mean that her recovery progress has stopped and has to start all over. It still is building on from what SWIY has learned. This is one huge flaw Red Rock sees in the NA model of addiction is the idea of you fuck up, everything starts back at square one. That is total bullshit and we all know that. Pick yourself back up and sure SWIY made a mistake, but SWIY already knows this and is taking the steps to continue on the recovery path.

After reading through this thread, I picked up on some things that might benefit SWIY. First of all, change your #. If the dealer is calling SWIY nonstop, then it might be best to go ahead and change the # even if that is going to create some hassle for SWIY. Having the dealer calling SWIY is one of the easiest ways to slip back into old ways and go use because the dealer is saying shit like come on I will give you one for free or some bullshit like that. It's all a fucking trap and SWIY KNOWS this.

Also, most addicts are very smart. They are the best at what they do in order to get the drugs they are craving. THey lie, steal, manipulate, etc. Red Rock thinks this almost makes it twice as hard to get clean because our minds are going thousands of miles an hour trying to figure out how to get that next high off of something. We never slow down and give ourselves time to think. Red Rock knew he was smart in high school (graduated in the top 5% of his class) but failed miserably the first time he went to college because of his addiction. However, now that he has gotten clean, he has made straight A's (nothing below a 94) in all of his classes so far. It just goes to show ya what one can do when they are clean and living life how its meant to be lived.

Now as for the psychedelic usage, SWIY should probably wait until their mind and body has healed from this slip up. Give it at least a month before they partake in anything. If one doesn't wait that long, it might set off cravings for other substances so just be very conscientious of this.

SWIY can definitely do this. They already know the steps that need to be taken in order to achieve being clean because they have done so in the past. Make sure to keep us informed as we as a community can definitely support SWIY greatly. Red Rock knows its fucking hard especially now that one has to deal with minor withdrawals but they can definitely overcome it. One last thing, remember this slip up and the path SWIY took to get there. Then remember the arduous journey it takes to get clean. Is it worth all this pain and suffering to just use a little.

[thebige]

Swim might get others jumping all over his skull for this but yes a relapse can be good for you......not physically of course........but maybe to remind you of the kind of person you do not want to be.....
I don't believe once a junky always a junky...when you use you are a junky...don't use and you are not.....if you continue to lie cheat and as was said earlier manipulate the ones you care for you are now a "lieing stealing manipulative bastard/bitch"......but if that is how you want to be......well thats up to you.
Before you relapsed......did anyone here realize the the people you used with were not your frieinds....they are only people that you used with(or I'm sure some of you were in the game long enough that they lost all friends,If one non-using friend stuck around you have found a true friend......so take stock in that) and are never a true friend. Again I'm sure someone will jump down my throat for saying that.
When swim was a little kid his father would try to teach him on a level that a child could not understand (he was a asshole then and still is,now swim is old enough to understand that and take him for what he is).........anyway bottom line is what he was saying made sense when I grew up, mentally,not physicaly.... around 30ish....ha
You are the only one that can turn yourself into the person you want to be.....
So back to the relapse...it sucks,it hurts,guilt and all that,but there is no-one around to truly blame no matter what happened prior to your binge for you to start using.
I'm not trying to attack the op or anyone else here....
As a matter of fact...my spirits took a dip when I read that rokman nash had a stumble......and I know he is and was trained to be a strong bastard.
Swim believes that you have to pony-up and turn yourself into the person you want to be.....although it might take a few years before you realize that you are there.........lack of time travel sucks huh.
So in that sense swim believes the relapse is part of learning to be a real person................just don't let relapsing turn into a habit..........

Reputation Comments on this post:

	excellent point re: using cohorts vs real friends
	Nail on the head re-using 'friends'.

[oxynomo]

Swi ilsa needs to get a new ph# if the shit keeps calling, gonna be a lot pressure swim sounds like she does not need.Those bad parts of life need to be severed.They are not really friends at all.All good to you.o

[Ilsa]

thanks, swibige and swio.....all you both say is true. the dealer has been handled, she just had his number blocked...he also had kind of a thing for her, too though so his hurt ego may help.....gotta run to work atm, more later.

[Dickon]

Circumstances haven't permitted me to reply sooner (my life is somewhat chaotic as we're having a new kitchen and we've moved into my mum's for a few weeks), but I am sorry to hear about the relapse.

There is a way through this mess, but there is no reset switch. I remember a line in Northern Exposure where Maurice, the ex-astronaut, says something along the lines that we all need to go to boot camp once in a while, but that he was too old for it. To look for a way out in a dose of ibogaine or ayahuasca is an addict solution for an addict problem. It might work, I'm fairly sure an intense psychedelic experience can in certain circumstances and at certain times help people reach realisation, but without sustained effort it is unlikely to yield permanent benefit. It may provide a breathing space to enact change, but my cat always found that insight gained (stolen?) from psychedelic experience is soon, for the most part, lost as one returns to life in the outer world.

I think the meditation and yoga are both really good ideas (as you know I practice both) but although I think a couple of days intensive practice may, and I stress may, be helpful, true benefit would most likely come from a routine. I'm a firm believer in little and often, as I definitely have tendencies to do fitful bursts of activity, which is rather "addicty".

OK, so you don't like the disease model, and RR doesn't like NA's inability to differentiate between a lapse and a relapse, but let's not throw babies out with bathwater here. I am no neuro-what-not, but I think there is a lot to be gained and understood by using a disease model. I find it hard to understand why people who have gone through hell as the result of drug use should choose to go back unless something is out of whack. Perhaps we are really are touching on wider questions of free-will and rationality here. It is a deep mystery. Perhaps a behaviourist model is better: we are drawn to repeat that which we are familiar with. Anyway, I have a whole chain of thought I could write down here but although interesting, it will not be of much practical help.

NA's model tends to lead to longer periods of clean-time but deeper relapses (or so I've read) when compared to say the social learning model (essentially, avoid triggers, act like a non-using person does: i.e. behavioural model), but here we clearly have "life immitating art", in that how we see addiction influences our actions.

As for grad school, I gave up on one PhD for certain easily-guessable reasons, but finished one at the second attempt. The more important thing is to deal with this problem. Give it the attention it deserves, and as I'm sure RR, myself and countless others can attest, it is not a case of "solved that, what's next?", it's a process!!

I can only echo what RR says in the strongest terms. Leave off 2Cs, 3Bs, C3POs, R2D2s and any other "research" chemicals for now. Don't drink, don't smoke weed, give up everything you realistically can. Question your need for what meds you take. It is up to you to ask honestly and fearlessly, "do I need this, or am I using this as a drug?". You simply are unlikely to get well otherwise.

I will try to come back soon, but if I can't you're in my thoughts. Ilsa, my friend, I am not going coddle you, as you need to make a tough choice. I hope you can, and I wish you all the best

Love

Dickon

[Ilsa]

yeah, while the allure of the quick-fix is always strong, i'm inclined to agree with a consistent, practice-based method. have actually been maintaining daily yoga and sitting (with the exception of the week that cat was out being naughty). it helps, but due to the deeply ingrained, hypervigilant survival mode i've maintained well past childhood (which is what it helped me survive it and the lock-down situation) clonazepam is still necessary to avoid daily breakdowns, but it breaks the depression cycle, which is what really drives 'fuck-all' mode. i live with an immense amount of fear that i know intellectually is irrational, but it takes years to internalize this sort of knowledge and it's happening, but slowly. i failed to realize the risk it posed to my physical and mental well-being and learned the hard way.

seeing the past events and processign the fear, anxiety, rage, and pain is like all these tiny pieces in a multi-dimensional puzzle sometimes--there are so many factors, past and present, at play in my lil head that i have to stop, breathe and remmebre to sit with them, and not numb them out.

thank you, D, your perspective is, as always, an invaluable one.



just to update....as mentioned, the cat''s been using kratom to help wth nausea and other wd symptoms at work. she realized yesterday, since she didn't go to work she didn't take any kratom, that the wd's are worse than she thought.....so definitely no psychedelics of any sort anytime soon (all of you that warned her about that were right.....she's letting her neurochem balance out for a month before any major forays). so, anyway...as she said, she was feeling pretty bad by mid-day yesterday. a friend (a real friend, she didn't know of the cat's troubles recently, feeling hte wd's scared the cat a lot, she thought they wouldn't be nearly that bad without a few kratom caps, being that she's down to 2 from 4 a day) gave her 30 mgs of roxycodone. needless to say the cat wrestled momentarily with the idea of saying no, but the fear of the wd's kicked in pretty quick and she said fuck it and took it. the idea of facing a long evening and night of feeling like hell was too much at that moment. so she's not withdrawing as she types this, but she knows it's coming. she has enough kratom to get her through the week, if she continues to taper, so she's not taking any this weekend, she's just gonna take the wd's, know that she know s they're coming and considering how angry she is over last night's weakness. she's thinking she deserves it, in a way.

the only thing she can think to do, especially for the mental part, is exercise....basically getting out and walking/jogging (hopefully she won't be vomiting, she hasn't eaten since yesterday, but dry heaving is a bitch....she hopes it won't get that bad, as yesterday the worst of it was gagging on everything) and doing yoga just to get the endorphins going. she's scared, basically, and angry with herself. but she has to stop and think and realize that she's not relapsed to nearly the extent that she has in the past....one pill? that's a joke! she doesn't feel a single pill, it just stopped the wd's.

the temptation WAS there to go get another pill, and she always has access to needles, due to the labs she has access to (sortof a "well since it's begun, why not continue and at least get fuckin high this time" thought pattern that she's noticed before) but she didn't, and counts that a victory. she broke the usual fuck all cycle by not giving in to the urge to REALLY get high, even given a source of not only mroe pills but also needles. if one finds her stressing the needle bit a little strange, here's the idea: if she wants to get high, usually she gonna get as high as possible, and one of the most intense ways to kick it in is shooting, so there ya go. but she didn't do it....she talked to her friend, smoked a bowl and thought about how to handle the oncoming wd's that are coming tonight or tomorrow.

exercise is the main thing, and the kratom will help, but she's not maintianing herself on that after it's gone, she's just trying to taper down as fast as possible on what she's got, so she'll likely have soem level of wd's starting next weekend, so she's got to figure out how to cope. most of her friends know what she's dealing with right know; the one from last night was a girl she's not seen in ages. once the offer was made, the cat wasn't going to say anything, obviously. maybe that was just a fluke, but she still needs some kind of plan to deal with it if that sort of situation comes up again (not with that person....she was only in town for this last week and left this morning).

she's ready, and although not happy about fucking up again last night, she did buy herself some time to plan. it still pisses her off though.

[Ilsa]

did about an hour of flow yoga, which helped the cat's mood nocticeably. she's still getting, slowly but surely, increasingly restless nauseous, but made sure to eat what she could (toast, then yogurt) before it gets bad. she's hoping to sleep tonight,with the help of only one mg on clonazepam, but isn't counting on it.

this is it, she's doing it regardless and she slept last night, so she' s just gonna deal with what's coming, even if it means locking herself in her room, going to work, coming home and staying there and waiting it out until the wd's have passed. she's been inexcusably weak about this and it enrages her...she doesn't want any pity, and she's not getting support from the bf, so she's that much more determined to get healthy, stop this insanity and show herself adn everyoen else she can do it. again.

she's beyond sick and tired of being sick and tired....to have slipped up again, repeatedly after going through this hell before is utter stupidity and she's ready to do her penence, to reference the catholic upbringing. she needs the healthy, if painful, reality check and lesson in humility and self-discipline.

the good thing she sees in this is using alll the anger about [insert any aforementioned family, relationship, self stupidity isuues] to get herself through the hard moments/hours/whatever. she's told all relevant persons not to give/sell her anything, no matter what, has blocked her dealers' numbers. this has to stop. now. she's been through horrific heroin wd's and this is child's play compared to that, so she needs to re-grow her backbone and deal with it.

her plan: an exercise regimen that includes 30 min of flow yoga followed by a walk with her neighbor tomorrow (she's found that smoking a small bowl curbs the nausea enough that she can drag her sorry ass off the couch). weekdays, she's going to take a brisk ten minute walk around her area of campus every hour, this will be easy, as she will have two capsules of kratom in the morning on the first couple of days of the week to get her to work and finishing grading and preparing for a new series of experiments. she's going to get down to one capsule per day no later than wednesday. when she gets home comes the most difficult part of the day, the usual flow yoga and walking for exercise, but she finds the alleviation of the kratom starting to wear off as the day progresses into evening, and she' not taking it at night-- at such low doses she does't want its stimulant effect to exacerbate the sleep issues inherent to wd's and herself in general.

even though she feels like hell,and it's only gonna get worse, she's still determined riht now, and she knows that maintaining the detrmination is the hard part, so she thanks everyone for their input and advice, as always.

the dhammapada says this on craving:

Whosoever in this world overcomes this base craving so hard to subdue, his sorrows fall away from him like water drops from a lotus leaf.

As a tree cut down begins to grow up again if its roots remain uninjured and firm, even so when the root of craving remain undestroyed, this suffering arises again and again.

[ex-junkie]

relapse is beneficial when you see how quick you can fall back on your arse. it makes you realize you cant dabble with the devil as such. using on the weekends just doesnt work.

its all or its nothing.

best of luck.

[Ilsa]

so it's two full days since the last use of any opiates, the cat's a little achey, but not too nauseous or anything....hoping this holds and she doesn't get really sick, but i think her biggest hurdles are still psychological.

she spent a lot of time thinking and letting certain memories come up. she realized that she replaced relationships with drugs completely for a long time, and that she still has a tendency to do this when she feels alone or afraid, so it comprises a big part of the fuck-all attitude that gets her into trouble.

[ex-junkie]

download some music production software. its a hobby that will take lots of mind space up for as long as one persists in making music. everyone likes music. will be a welcome distraction.

google "propellerheads" for reason 4, "imageline" for fruity loops 8, and "cakewalk" for sonar 8. you can download a demo.

[Ilsa]

^^ i might give that a try....i am assuming all those programs are mac-compatible? if not, i'm sure there's other things i can find....you've brought up a good point, esp for me, as boredom can best me pretty easily at times. and there's only so much i can do in one day for my research (can't make cells grow any faster than they want to, unfortunately) and i've been meaning to get into playing around with music production (it's been awhile since i've been in the club scene, but got started on florida breaks about ten years ago and have loved it and many other electronic subgenres), going out dancing again (used to be one of the cage girls at a club in jax, FL, believe it or not--they instituted the cages after drunk navy boys got too grabby, lol. nonetheless, i learned to dance from a bunch of very talented gay men and need to get out and see if i can't get back to where i was then in terms of endurance) or maybe learning to code, startin with something easy like python.

this is my last semester teaching before switching from a teaching assistant stipend to a research assistant stipend, which means i'll have lots of end-of-semester madness coming up here shortly.

[chillinwill]

Sounds like you are coping well and behaving yourself lately. Keep up the good work Ilsa and things will definitely keep getting better and better. One thing you could also do is make up a list of old hobbies or activities that used to interest you and that you want to try to get back into such as dancing/music production or whatever it may be. These can occupy your time as well as benefit you. Red Rock is proud of you Ilsa!

[Ilsa]

^^ thank you love...much-needed words right now. i think i've already spent a couple hours on the phone with my closest friends this evening, lol.

my dad has horses, and am thinking about getting back into riding. i love dance, but the club scene is kinda tough on school schedule, so i'm getting into tribal bellydance (look up rachel brice on youtube. i had the pleasure of seeing her perform live here, was beautiful!!) and of course my old standby, yoga. it's getting nice enough out that i can't justify getting to the nearby mountains on the weekends (did manage a quick trip to hot springs, nc a month or two ago).

thanks again for your support

[pinksox]

^Love riding. It's still one of the few times SWIM feels "complete peace." It's mazing when one can become "one" with their horse and the horse thereby becomes an extension of themselves.

Very cool-feeling indeed.

[ex-junkie]

all those programs are mac compatible.

there are heaps of tutorials on youtube and theres bare music production forums all over the web. production is a god send tbh. to wake up in the morning and be itching to get back your tunes is much better than itching to score. music can definitely be a saviour, as its time consuming, and can fill your thoughts with troubleshooting/or just creative ideas for years to come.

its also something that youll get better at over time, so the reward potential is definitely high.

logic and digital performer are mac exclusive DAWS (digital audio workstations). the other ones, like i said above, are also mac compatible.

hit up swim when swiy needs some samples and free vst/au instruments.