PAWS & The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

[yulamada]

My badger is hanging by a thread and needs help. His self-medication reached its apex with opiates, but he's been clean of them for over a month now. The little guy mediated his dosage of heroin, and over the last 6 months of usage, he felt high maybe 5% of the time. 95% he used just enough to feel like a normal productive quadraped. He felt so 'normal', he set records with his company 3 out of those 6 months, and is/was (guiltily) regarded as some kind of success story by friends and colleagues. Go figure...

He has a family history of depression steeped in Cathoholic guilt, feeling that shit for the last 20 years. Managed life anyway - did very well professionally in a highly technical field with no formal schooling, started a successful business, marriage - the whole 9 yards & the American f*ckin dream. Self-medicating, searching, up the drug ladder in the background all the while - a functioning addict as it were. Then came the straw... a 24-month period starting with marital infidelity (not him), forgiveness, pregnancy & a still birth almost full term, subsequent divorce, scammer takes his business for $35k, and then a storm rips the roof off of and destroys half of his house. Enter opiates...

Since then my badger's kicked Oxy's twice, H twice with help from bupe, and this time H gone CT. 30+ days into this kick, he's now consumed by anxiety & depression like never before. The front door of his house gets left hanging open, he stops midway in conversations, and does things like having multiple cigarettes burning at once because his brain is mush. He's supposed to return to work tomorrow, after a one month hiatus. His whole body is shaking right now from the mere thought of it.

The furry critter isn't looking for sympathy, he's dealt with adversity and overcome addictions before. Something is different this time though. The cognitive dissodance makes him feel broken, and the anxiety is so bad that even when he does force himself to go out, its an exercise in sado-masochism. Not to mention the constant ringing in his ears...

He's taking $100s of amino acid endorphin precursors, forces himself out every day, yet is exhausted by the severity of his PAWS. Please tell him that there are others out there who have similar usage history and/or withdrawal paralyzation. It seems to be getting worse, not better.

He thanks you in advance for your words and insight.

[Ilsa]

this link may be helpful:

http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=73599 highlight=paws


my kitten knows about that broken feeling....there's this pretty picture of her life on the front of the proverbial tapestry, but the back is still a wild tangle of disorganized threads that has left her feeling like she's lived two lives for too long.

she's not suffered with the lvel of severity that your pet has, but the above link was written by someone with intimate knowledge of the symptoms and provides info on what one can do to ease them.

keep posting; this forum is a great sourceof support for thsi sort of thing, if swiy asn't already, have a look at the opiate recovery and addiction forums.

hth and namaste

[ex-junkie]

first of all, swiy is an absolute champion for reaching 30+ days CT. that alone is something many addicts fail to achieve. remember that.

also the PAWS is completely normal. try looking at going back to work as a distraction. something to keep swiy's mind off all things delusional, and aim to look forward to it. a routine, and something to keep ones self occupied, usually works wonders. however, if you fear it, swiy will create a monster.

massive props for getting this far, use all that strength that swiy has inside, and use it to your advantage. swiy cant say he has no strength, hes just gone over a month without opiates on a cold turkey detox! dont let the mind fool swiy into thinking youre weak. clearly swiy is not.

[yulamada]

SWIM appreciates the responses. My badger keeps telling himself CT is the hardest way to go, and he's made it this far, be proud. Despite having told several judgemental folk to f*ck off since letting the cat out of the bag, he is a master of guilt.

When one's mind is stuck in the third ring of Hades, it can be difficult to see the positives. Subtle reminders from those in the know help my badger see how far he's come, rather than how far he has to go. Tomorrow does not have to be a sentence, but it can be an opportunity.

Many thanks.

[ex-junkie]

everyday is an opportunity!

swiy has done it the tough way and is succeeding!

think of it this way, not only is swiy on his way back to normal, but he is one up over normal people for his life experiences.

fuck the judgemental cunts! they aint got shit on swiy mate.

[Leftöver Crack]

swim knows exactly how swiy feels. swim is also taking many dollars worth of stuff, l-tyrosine, 5-htp, multis, b's, boost, etc., even tried energy drink for the first time, and still has no energy, is depressed, and dead inside. swim is constantly anxious, not like any of the other times he detoxed.

paws is destroying swim. just like swiy, it's getting worse, not better. swim can't think of anything that's making this time diffirent, except that maybe one of his supplements is doing it.

what exactly is swiy taking?

[Dickon]

My cat can relate to the PAWS (he has 4 of them!). He asked me to convey the following message...

I think about 20 days in I started swimming for 3 days, and then got really ill. I was all but housebound for the next 2 and a bit months, and since then have returned to physical activity. For me, it has been lethargy that has been the hardest aspect of PAWS. Even though today I got up for a 7.15am Tai Chi class, and will be going to yoga this evening, and have even mowed the (very small) lawn and managed a bit of gardening, I still default to quite a tired state, and don't feel myself a lot of the time. The house can be quite messy and I wish I had the energy to do more to make things tidy. I seem to get periods where I have a bit more energy, and then other periods where I can't do more than sit down, and be little more than a couch potato. I'm coming up for 6 months clean, and I am figuring somewhere between 9 months and 2 years to leave the PAWS behind. This is very odd, as I've never had PAWS before, quite the opposite, I've always felt highly energetic and well, if somewhat all-over-the-place emotionally. This time round I feel a lot more emotionally stable, although that could be more to do with joining a Zen group, and for the best part of 2 months now sitting in zazen for an hour or more a day. Nevertheless, despite being physically active in the sense of yoga, tai chi, and dancing, and quite possibly I'm going to check out some Kung Fu on Thursday, between "activities" I feel tired and drained a lot of the time.

I'm prattling on about myself here because I am surprised how long things are taking to settle down, although they are very much on a gentle upward curve, and also how different my own w.d.s have been over time. Partly that could be to do with age. A w.d. at 19 is likely to be a lot different from a w.d. at 38. But things do seem to improve for most people either quickly or slowly. Do not despare. 30+ days is nothing. I was totally zoned out at that stage, but at least I was sleeping. If things get tough it can be useful to remember day 3 or 4, or whatever was the worse time for you. PAWS is annoying, but it's not a turkey! I know when the turkey is over it's hard to think yourself back to how unpleasant it was, but it was worse than this, whatever this is!!

For the anxiety it might be worth considering some deep breaths. I've committed to Zen meditation, but that does involve a commitment to "tear the sticking plaster off" and accept my total self. I know when I first began meditation after getting clean, the first time I really cleaned up, it went along with a lot of strangeness on my part. I guess it stirs up the dust before sweeping it away. Anyway, it does seem to help me with anxiety and stressful situations. Avoid too much caffeine if you drink a lot of tea and coffee normally. Eat well, try to get to bed reasonably early. Focus on the small things, and start trying to expand the circle outwards. You are alive, you are no longer in full-on withdrawals. There is time to figure out the rest: that's just little details.

I hope things get better soon

Dickon's Cat

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good relation, god post

[oxynomo]

Don't let the going back to work get you worried.It'll be like riding a bike.30 days is great .It does get better in time though swim knows it seems sometimes like forever.Swims at 3 months and still has little desire to get things done though he seems to be doing more with each passing week.Don't let it get you down,before you know it you'll be at 60 days.Only gets better,keep up the good work.o

[ex-junkie]

having something to do/keep your mind occupied is the best thing for someone with PAWS. even though the body is worn out/tired, the process of getting more worn out/tired, is beneficial to getting the sleep patterns back to normal, as well as getting sunlight in the early hours of the morning. (night shift exempted, lulz).

lets face it, at home doing nothing, all you do is feel sorry for ones self, and think about drugs, depressing shit, etc...

[yulamada]

Just finished day 4 back at work. Decided to ask for half-days this week at the spur of the moment on day 1 - my badger figured he can always stay longer if feeling up to it. Setting reasonable expectations to allow the teeth gnashing critter to meet - and surpass - the goal makes him happy.

Such attainable goal setting is new to him, and he hopes it's the first 'negative self-perception' restructuring of many to come. Lord knows the furry fucker's internal task master loves to talk shit about him. This time it's not 'You're a piece of shit junkie that can only work 5.5 hours" it is 'Hey, you made it 1.5 hours longer than expected!'

As trivial as it may seem, that little decision felt like 2 steps forward, without 1 step back - a smack in the face of his PAWS enhanced usual self-loathing. Was very surprised when the badger's boss told him he made it way longer than he thought the critter would on the first day back. He likes that the jefe tells him to go home if he wants, but saying 'no' and staying longer.

Standing outside himself and looking in, the brown beasty likens this minor mindshift to a young child learning how to do something for the first time. It is very easy to see now how simple realistic goal setting (and reward) should be. He laughs at himself for not 'getting it' sooner...who'd have thunk positive thoughts and attainable goal setting could raise one's self worth?! Duh, go figure - and most of his friends think he's the smart one. Ha! Now that's funny.

In another rare moment of optimism, he says to himself 'Here's to next week being better than this week.' The badger still feels like crap, but better than the crap he felt like a week ago. Logic tells him it makes sense that next week will follow a similar path of de-crapifying. A chuckle again...wow, optimism, so that's how it works....hehehe, ya big dummy!

Thanks all for all your input, it helps.

yulamada added 37 Minutes and 28 Seconds later...

Originally Posted by Leftöver Crack

swim knows exactly how swiy feels...swim is also taking many dollars worth of stuff...is depressed, and dead inside. swim is constantly anxious, not like any of the other times he detoxed.

paws is destroying swim. just like swiy, it's getting worse, not better. swim can't think of anything that's making this time diffirent, except that maybe one of his supplements is doing it.

what exactly is swiy taking?

My badger sympathizes, having done this before he knew it'd be a rough go, but FUCK, didn't think it would be anything like it has been. He's got mucked up neuro-chemistry (he used to fall asleep on methamphetamine all the time, and within hours of usage - not like those poor bastards who stay up for 6 days at a stretch), and has noticed that some of the supplements that are supposed to help actually hinder him. Also, quality of manufacture is huge in the supplement realm. As an example, my 4-legged friend has two bottles of 500mg DL-Phenylalinine from two different brands. They have markedly different effects on him, yet the ingredients are supposedly identical. In addition, the D & L separately make him feel very different than if taken in the mixed form.

As desparate as SWIY/SWIM may be, try not to throw a handfull of capsules into one's gullet yearning for relief. If SWIY is like SWIM, they usually come home with more than one new supplement when making a trip to the healthy food store. Add each little piece of hope & chemistry to your dosage schedule separately. SWIY has a better chance of figuring out that maybe 5-HTP makes them completely mental, but Kava Kava doesn't, if added to your noggin at distinct times. Throwing some dosing methodology behind the array of amino acids & herbs gives my badger a sense that he has some control over his cranium, rather than downing nasty smelling capsules and hoping for the best. Especially when he then feels like holy shit (not just plain shit) and left to ponder what, of the 10 grams of capsules he just took, is making him nosedive.

Good luck, and try to focus on a recent semi-normal mindstate, even if it was just that 1 minute after taking a big dump yesterday. My badger has difficulty doing it, focusing that is, but when a remembered slice of calmness brings calmness again it is definitely worth the repeated efforts. Apologies for the sleep deprived nervous ramblings...conciseness seems impossible currently.

Reputation Comments on this post:

I really enjoy these posts, keep em coming.

[Leftöver Crack]

Originally Posted by yulamada

has noticed that some of the supplements that are supposed to help actually hinder him. Also, quality of manufacture is huge in the supplement realm. As an example, my 4-legged friend has two bottles of 500mg DL-Phenylalinine from two different brands. They have markedly different effects on him, yet the ingredients are supposedly identical. In addition, the D & L separately make him feel very different than if taken in the mixed form.

As desparate as SWIY/SWIM may be, try not to throw a handfull of capsules into one's gullet yearning for relief. If SWIY is like SWIM, they usually come home with more than one new supplement when making a trip to the healthy food store. Add each little piece of hope & chemistry to your dosage schedule separately. SWIY has a better chance of figuring out that maybe 5-HTP makes them completely mental, but Kava Kava doesn't, if added to your noggin at distinct times. Throwing some dosing methodology behind the array of amino acids & herbs gives my badger a sense that he has some control over his cranium, rather than downing nasty smelling capsules and hoping for the best. Especially when he then feels like holy shit (not just plain shit) and left to ponder what, of the 10 grams of capsules he just took, is making him nosedive.

swiy ain't kiddin. swim has noticed the same things about the supplements. about the quality, generally swim finds that the more expensive ones are more expensive for a reason. they're formulated better, mostly in the absorption aspect. there's a bunch of places, independant places, none federal, that test supplements for effective absorption, most notably the USP. alot of em will say "formulated for easy absorption" but that doesn't mean they've been verified.

it's hard to tell what's helping and what's not, when you take a bunch at a time. swim finds it best to eliminate 1 thing every couple days, that's how he found out l-tyrosine was making him anxious as shit.

swim finds 5-htp is very hit or miss on diffirent days. sometimes he'll take 100 mg and feel like he took some kind of miraculous anti depression drug, others he'll take 200 or 300 mg and feel like he an empty capsule.