Journal - Coping without speed

[Moonage Daydream]

Today is Day 2. Kitty is not going to give herself a set amount of days to go without. This is pointless in her experience as she reacts under the assumed pressure on herself and is more likely to give in to cravings
They are worse in the evening. Kitty lives on her own so unless she bores one of her friends (lucky for the cheetah she has a large pack of friends because she is eminently functional and would feel really bad about letting any of them down) over the phone or invites them round she has only her head and the whirling vortex within for company.
She has had 90mg of ephedrine. Not ideal but almost unendurable without some kind of upper even a relatively weak one. Yesterday the cheetah did without CNS stimulants of all kinds except coffee of course but nothing could persuade her to abandon that one!
The absurd thing is she is sleeping very badly without speed! Provided she doesn't do a line or "poisoned" drink too late she sleeps just fine on speed, it's important to her that she sleeps every night as she knows that's the least she can do. Of course the quality of sleep the cat gets is not so great. She remembers lots of dreams which suggests lots of REM sleep and not enough deep sleep though she is no expert on the *science bit*
She wishes she could relax. She knows it has to be illusory but seems to have created a "ritalin" effect in that she feels relaxed if she takes speed. Or perhaps, normal and functional and not neurotic but that's probably more to do with satisfying a compulsion than anything.
She woke up in the small hours and felt irrational depression (how ridiculous - there's a rational kind!) feeling self indulgent stupid thoughts like if she were to die what would there be to show for her life? Luckily the cat was able to talk herself out of that maudlin adolescent crap but by then it was nearing 3am... 7am rise for work...
The cat isn't too sure what she means by imposing this moaning screed all you out there, but its good to get stuff out of your system right?
The ephedrine seems to diminish the cravings a lot and also mood is stablised to some degree. The psychological withdrawal is much more annoying than the physical withdrawal, which is probably just the mind convincing the body it needs it anyway.
Enough!

Reputation Comments on this post:

	I thought you said some worth while things, your determination is something that I value, as the thread is helping me t...
	good point about psychological withdrawl, SWIM shared your feelings when quitting amph. hang in there it will get easier...