Pushing Away The People You Love...after getting clean

[cyndi]

Swim has always said find the worst dysfunctional man out there and he is husband material. She has a history with bad relationships with men. Childhood issues were mentioned, swim had a bad one, abandonment issues which she feels if she pushes away someone first, she won't get hurt later. After clean time she is a hermit, she really pushes away people. She isn't sure either.

[missparkles]

Swim completely agrees with the black or white analogy swi ex used. With full recovery it has to be all or nothing. Short term plans got swim through the day, but long term plans actually kept swim going when she was really struggling. Even when she didn't make it and relapsed, the memory of how good the clean times were gave swim the impetus to go for it again.

Swim also has to be aware of her relapse triggers, something swim has been thinking about lately. In the past swim has allowed the mood of the person she is in a relationship with to determine swims emotional well being. If they were ok swim was. If they were having a quiet day swim would immediately panic, even though her partners quiet mood was nothing to do with swim. Swim couldn't feel ok unless her partner was ok.

Now swim makes sure she feels emotionally secure before going into any relationship. Be it friendship or a more intimate relationship. Swim also finds that if she doesn't put the work into her recovery (again the all or nothing analogy) eating properly, getting enough sleep and taking care of her physical and emotional health, she can feel unlovabe, and insecure. Major relapse material.
Swim finds that once the relapse ball starts rolling swim needs to do something to halt the ever increasing circle of negativity, or one trigger builds on another.

Swim is painfully aware of this at the moment. She didn't sleep at all last night and she's reading this reply and is unsure if she should post it. She feels it's not good enough. But she's going to embrace the insecurity and post it anyway. Swim doubts herself at the drop of a hat when she's tired.
Thanks for sticking with swim on this. She's struggling at the moment.
Swim is so glad she found this forum... and so grateful.

[ex-junkie]

hey swiy is doing so great. before she knows it, 3 months will have passed, then 6, then 12, then it will all be a distant memory. better to be a distant memory than a daily horror aye.

swim really liked the flood of emotions during/post detox. she felt like she was coming up on ecstasy. though the words of someone wise has motivated her beyond belief, and the excitement couldnt be contained.

during her detox her star sign blew her head off. swim will find all her writings, and bits of motivational material, and post it to a blog. she thinks its at her mums house interstate, but she will get it sent over.

will be good for people to have some insight into the sorta mindframe that works, and how to go about encouraging it to stay.

[MissM87]

Thank you, thank you! And it's so true - SWIM can hardly believe it's been 25 days already! It does seem to fly by! Much nicer than the daily grind that she was going through...!

Wish that I could like the flood of emotions, but it's just not working out that well.. Too many and too rough! :/ The words of wisdom from SWIY-ex have really done a lot for this SWIMmer though, to be honest..!

SWIM would be very interested in reading SWIY's writings and blog..! If SWIY wouldn't mind? It would be nice to have some insight from another person's point of view! SWIM needs to look up some other SWIMmer's blogs and such, maybe that would help..!

[ex-junkie]

swim started writing it approx one year before the detox. some of it is horrendously dark, its brutally honest, and dripping with sarcasm. swim stopped writing in it approx 4 months before she started her detox. there are tales of frustration in buying street methadone which she bought on top of her prescribed dose, so it shows some insight into the life of someone whos stabilized themselves somewhat on IV methadone, and relationship troubles, but most importantly the desire to be free of addiction, and the belief that this would become a reality. its the only thing swim did differently compared to all her failed detoxs- she was willing to close door on it for a better life, and she just knew she could do it.

swim thinks the most important part that got her through the detox were the bits and bobs that her mum had sent her throughout her several attempts at detox, those well wishing verses that bring a tear to your eye, the different pictures and scribbles that she did partake in during detox.

the journal itself though is pre-detox experience. the collection of prose, pictures and scribbles definitely got her through the actual detox though.

25 days is great. throughout swims opiate addiction she only ever got past 25 days twice- once in the year 2000, and the last detox she did in 2005. youve always got to consider how well youve done to make it so far, and always, always, always remember the champion effort it took to get to that amount of time clean.

has swiy thought about going on naltrexone? swim hears it is expensive in US, however she was wondering if its subsidised for alcoholics? swims opiate specialist registered swim for the subsidy as an alcoholic (which was bollox, but was a way around the system flaw) and recovering opiate addict in order to get subsidised naltrexone.

[missparkles]

A journal is a brilliant idea, even if it's kept for personal reading only.
Swim kept one and whenever she gets a "tough" day she looks at how bad it really was. It certainly isn't that bad now.
Sometimes swim is still so desperate she forgets how far she has come.
Swim also thinks that if just one sentence can give swiy something to grab onto, when it's most needed, and gets swiy past a difficult stage of W/D and helps with eventual recovery, it is worth it.
Glad swiy is feeling more positive. Keep on keeping on.

[MissM87]

That's so awesome that SWIY's been able to keep ahold of all of her previous journaling and such! What a great thing to do! SWIM always burns or throws away hers - now she regrets it, in hindisight. Sounds very intriguing by how SWIY-ex has described it!!! Maybe reading the writing of an addict that wants to get sober will be a good way for SWIM to see how badly the opiates can f*ck with you.. She seems to forget how bad they are - and really does crave them so badly. It's getting better day by day, though..

SWIM has not considered Naltrexone, as she does not have any form of medical insurance or resources to do so. She thinks that this is a good idea, but the ability just isn't there. She doesn't have any access to opiates where she's at now, though, so she's not too worried about relapsing. And she goes back to Oregon in about month, so *HOPEFULLY* by then she'll be done with the cravings! :P

Looking forward to seeing SWIY's journal entries and such! Can you post on here and let me know when they're up? Hope you're having a GREAT day!

[ex-junkie]

my bf really is quite strange, but i like it. hes very musical and introverted. im very loud and dominant and like the idea of having someone to corrupt with all my twisted sexual urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrges. logging off. :P

[cyndi]

Yeah swim's hubby is a bit on the kinky side too. lol

[cra$h]

Well, for swim it's just he's surrounded by people he just can't tell. And this urge to just burst open and tell them the WHOLE story is just killing him. And then this urge even durring non-drug conversation takes over and this drives swim away from a lot of people, and the worst part, the people that love and can take care of him. Even if people did come clean to a lot of their past, they still choose to hide a lil som'n. Its a mix of guilt, shame, preservation of reputation, and just to prevent another fucking lecture. I don't know, neither does swim. This is what swim is goin through, and figgures theres got to be someone that's the same.

[ex-junkie]

^swim is the opposite. she feels like somehow the people around her have a right to know. this is only for swims benefit though, she doesnt see the point in associating with, or getting to know people, if theyre only going to turn their backs on her later on. its just not worth the trouble.

sorta lets you separate the good seeds from the idiots. if people arent going to be supportive, or are going to cringe when she opens up to them, then they can kiss swims round fucking arse goodbye.

[cyndi]

Swim hates hypocrites. She can't stand it when she is lectured by others who are into the same shit as she is. It happens a lot. She has trust issues too as she tells things the way they are and expects others to do the same and not lie or pretend to be something they are not. Swim is what she is and if people around her don't like it, they can kiss her ass. That is her attitude. Swim also is leary of people who will turn there back on her when she is having a rough time yet needs support from her when things are going badly for them. I don't know, it happens a lot.

[ex-junkie]

werd sparkles.

this forum is a godsend!

swim broke up with her man this week again lol. there are things she hasnt been happy with, but she cant go right into it on the forum as such. shes decided to give it one last go, and roll with it, but things are going to be tough from here on.

he will get back on august 9th, and swim is really concerned that her son will end up going without in order to have him here with her. very, very complicated, and swim sees a massive headfuck coming along no matter which way she looks at it, and will surely stay for the next year or so.

this guy is crazy to stay with swim through all of this, but he is stuck on cloud 9 and cant see the reality from swims perspective. however, hes only ever had to look after himself.

if things dont work out on an everyday level, she will have no choice but to choose quality of life over this man, for both herself and her son. he is also aware of this, but is stupid enough to take the risk.

:/

[/rant]