Pushing Away The People You Love...after getting clean

[ex-junkie]

swim has been wondering why on earth it is that us swimmers do this. despite being clean from opiates since oct 2005, and clean from methamphetamines for 18 months, swim still has this trait.

its something swim tends to do when she needs these people the most.

does it come down to feeling like we're undeserved of love? is it a mirror of past abuse/bad experiences?

maybe other swimmers have some examples to share? maybe this thread will inspire some people to realize what theyre doing and make amends?

open discussion really...

swim finds herself pushing her boyfriend away, and really what it boils down to is somewhere wrapped up in her sordid past. swim doesnt understand why she does this, and often finds herself admitting to him that shes angry at him. only she doesnt know why she is angry at him. all the same the anger is there.

is swim losing the plot?


recently swim fell back into the cycle of major depression, and whilst she was stuck in her rut, she pushed away her mother as well. her mother offered to travel interstate to help swim get back on her feet, yet swim declined. this was really fucking stupid, because swim really needed somebody to help her get back on her feet. out of stubborness she declined, and luckily managed to get back onto her feet on her own.

weird.

Reputation Comments on this post:

great, thought provoking post. Thx

[Leftöver Crack]

pinpointing these kind of psychological problems is a neverending discussion, and swim doesn't want to tell anyone what the cause of their problem is, but in swim's experiences it's one of mainly 2 things...

swiy doesn't think they're worthy of love/care/affection. the reason for that? no idea.

swiy wants to, for whatever reason, do everything on their own. "i can do anything, i don't need anyone" mindset.

swim recently realized theres NO logical reason for that belief. swim now looks for help and care as much as putting in his own effort. there's nothing wrong with that.

swim is sorry if he was harsh, just saying what he thinks.

[Dickon]

Bump.

Anyone else want to add to this? I think this is a really interesting topic. Do you agree with the premiss? I believe addiction is a serious bar to intimacy. But what about after getting clean?

Thoughts?

Dickon

[Venusia]

Not feeling as if swiy is worthy of love and affection? To Swiv, that seems to be depression talking. Swiv was like that too. She pushed away the family she loves so much because she was sad and felt worthless. She felt like she was just a bother to everyone around her, so she isolated herself and cut people off until she rebounded from it.

It almost sounds as if swiy is slipping or has slipped into a major depression.

Another theory could be that swiy is a proud, independent person who didn't want to perceived as being weak, so swiy declined help.

Could the anger issue be rearing its head since swiy got past using she is mad at herself about what she's done in her past? It seems that people who have been addicted to drugs and got clean sometimes feel ashamed for their actions since they're thinking and seeing things more clearly, and the hindsight of the things they've done comes to them due to this newfound clarity. This shame seems to make them act out a bit. Swiv has known a few people who have gotten clean and turned into angrier, more cynical people.

Without knowing more about swiy's background, Swiv can only speculate. These are only guesses. Regardless, Swiv hopes swiy can figure herself out and be at peace.

[yaba]

This sounds quit common to swim, he to pushes people away and has been an heroine addict, coke,crack,meth head. You name it and swim abused it in large quantities.

Anyway to go back on topic swim even when he was sober pushed people away... Usually when drunk starting an argument or making them split up with swim. He always was wandering why. One of his friends also with a colorful past went to see a psychologist with this problem and she told him that it might be to protect them while swim and swiy might not realize it.. We as in most (ex) addicts have been or are still trouble.. And think that its better for the person we love not to be with us.. Does that make sense ?

The other reason can be that swiy thinks that swiy isn't worth to be with the person they love. For example why would someone be with swim who has stolen, dealt in drugs, broken in houses, worked very closely with someone who was making pills... (organized crime)

Also swim has been a heroine addict from the age of 13 and had a horrible childhood (not going into it, but the heroine was nice..LOL)

Swim was talking to his Doctor to up the diazepam prescription and told her about some of the things from his childhood.... And somethings about his past drug use. She told him that if he needed to he could see a psychiatrist, swim told her thanks but no. He doesn't want to bring things up again and then talk about it and put it to rest.. Now swim thinks could things from years ago still affect him now ? And thats why he pushes loved ones away ? Or doesn't get to close to anyone due to being hurt to many times.

The other problem swim finds is that he doesn't like himself when he is sober.. But all his ex girlfriends do. Swim likes himself when he is intoxicated with something... But none of his ex girlfriend liked swim in that kind of states he gets himself into. So now after a one night stand swim thinks could ring her.. But will get the same problems again so why bother.

[ex-junkie]

jeesh swim is still doing it. luckily her boyfriend has learnt to ignore her for a while when she gets like this. being ignored drives her crazy, then she wonders where he is. lawlz.

self confessed nutter here.

:waves:

swim is really stubborn, and is having financial difficulties atm, but is too proud to ask anybody for help.

Reputation Comments on this post:

It's awfully cool of you to share your personal experience as you have been here before. Thank you for your candor.

[MissM87]

ex-junkie,


::waves::

Here's another self confessed nutter over here! Oh-so-great club to be in, eh? :P
After reading your original post yesterday it really got me thinking and writing about why I tend to push people away. The thing is, once I push them away I feel some remorse, but not enough to pull them back in and I'm wondering why that is..

I just wanted to say thanks for the thought-provoking message.. Your posts tend to really help me out in some way or another. I don't know if this is the right place to write that, but I still wanted to let you know

Have a wonderful day!!!

[ex-junkie]

swim is glad she could be of help swi-MissM87.

[Spucky]

Swim think there are two Major-Problems with Addicts who became Clean

1. the lost of basic Trust, normally build up in the first two Years of our Existence.
(Very interesting Studys from eastern Europe, because there nearly all Women have to work,
nearly all Babys and Kids grow up in a Kindergarten)

2. Sexual Abuse (more than 60% of all female
and ca. 30% of the Males who are manifest Heroin Addicts have this Experience)

Both Problems are not solved,
after we get clean we are falling back into our old Mechanism and Strategy`s
to not allowed anyone to touch us mental and physical!

What we can do?
Hmmm, that question is not easy to answer,
because if we are not learning to Trust in our first 24 Month of Childhood
that possibility is nearly gone!

But swim still hope for a Wonder!

[missparkles]

Self sabotage.
Swim has done this so many times.
Before childhood "issues" were worked through it was a way to confim that Swim didn't deserve a "good" life.
Now, it's still there, but with awareness comes acceptance, and with acceptance some hope for the future.
Intimacy after addiction?
Difficult. But now swim doesn't give herself a "hard" time about it.
Life is about learning, everyone makes mistakes, so that makes swim OK.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Great questions to ask so that the OP can do some realt self-refleflection. Good job!

[MissM87]

Spucky that's an interesting take on Addicts. It makes perfect sense, actually. Makes SWIM feel sick to her stomach, but it's also something that she needs to take into consideration.. Thanks for the info/input.

[Spucky]

Originally Posted by MissM87

Spucky that's an interesting take on Addicts. It makes perfect sense, actually. Makes SWIM feel sick to her stomach, but it's also something that she needs to take into consideration.. Thanks for the info/input.

That is one of the Main-Reasons why Females need a special kind on Therapy, it`s absolut senseless to do a Rehab. together with Men`s.
Many Times the Women fall back and just looking for a Guy for protection,
mostly the loudest one who do a lot of Psychological-Violence
instead to do Therapy!
(That lead to Frustration and that lead to consume again, the perfect Wheel of Suffering)

Imo. Girls and Womens are much better rescinded (?) in a special Therapy from and for Women!

For Boy`s and Mens it look a little bit difficult because here we have only a few of "special" Therapy Facility`s!

But what we can change?

[MissM87]

Originally Posted by Spucky

That is one of the Main-Reasons why Females need a special kind on Therapy, it`s absolut senseless to do a Rehab. together with Men`s.
Many Times the Women fall back and just looking for a Guy for protection,
mostly the loudest one who do a lot of Psychological-Violence
instead to do Therapy!
(That lead to Frustration and that lead to consume again, the perfect Wheel of Suffering)

Imo. Girls and Womens are much better rescinded (?) in a special Therapy from and for Women!

For Boy`s and Mens it look a little bit difficult because here we have only a few of "special" Therapy Facility`s!

But what we can change?

I'd have to agree - it makes sense for women to be in their own therapy. That way they're not tempted by loudmouth guys that will try wooing them into submission. When you're in therapy the last thing on your mind should be a new relationship, I've found. I also found that when I did start a relationship that's when all of my hard work from therapy ended..! It was a terrible choice - would have been clean over a year at the moment!

I think that NA should be split up into male/female groups.. I'd be more apt to go if that's how it was.

[ex-junkie]

spucky you raised some interesting points there.

swim was molested by her grandpa when she was 4.

[ex-junkie]

^swim disagrees to a point. starting a relationship can be enough to fill the void, provided that the person in question is the listening and non judgemental type. there are some amazing people in this world who can do much more for you than a therapist.

obviously it all boils down to the character of the person though. those quiet, shy emo types are pretty win tbh. someone gentle to be there for you is pretty win tbh.

[MissM87]

Originally Posted by ex-junkie

^swim disagrees to a point. starting a relationship can be enough to fill the void, provided that the person in question is the listening and non judgemental type. there are some amazing people in this world who can do much more for you than a therapist.

obviously it all boils down to the character of the person though. those quiet, shy emo types are pretty win tbh. someone gentle to be there for you is pretty win tbh.

I have to agree, actually. It all depends on the type of person that you hook up with when it all comes down to it. That being said, I think that if a girl is in an emotionally unstable state of mind she's more likely to fall for a charming, not so good guy after all. Know what I'm saying? :P It's sad but true. The bad ones look out for the weak ones.

If, however, you do happen to find a nice, caring, genuinely good man then by all means GO FOR IT!! You just have to be careful and not fall for somebody that fakes their way through to get to you. I guess I've had too many horrible men in my life, so I'm not very trusting.

My current boyfriend is a genuinely good-hearted, caring, understanding man - I guess I have some hope/faith in men after all Only because of him, though. Which is kind of sad, in a way...

[ex-junkie]

oh swims bf is the bomb.

omdz.... :P


swim had poor choice in men throughout her life too. its so nice to have something thats on a deeper level, and for him to know every little detail of her past, yet not judge her for it.

[MissM87]

SWIM would have to agree - definitely da bomb-diggity :P

It's funny how poor choice in men can, potentially, also lead to drug use.. I guess I was always looking for guys in the wrong places. Having a deeper level relationship and to not be judged, or have something used against you, really is a change for this SWIMmer.. She still feels unsure and that feeling of dread that something bad is going to happen after all. Suppose it's just trust issues in general.

Hope Ex is having a great day! ALWAYS great to talk to you, Lovett! Hopefully we can talk sooner than later!

[ex-junkie]

swim has found that your thoughts create your world. aint no point dreading the worst, or youll bring it on yourself. thesedays swim leaves it up to the universe to provide her with all she needs, and remembers to thank the universe for what is provided. since adopting this way of thinking, she hasnt had to worry about having enough food to eat, or not having enough to pay bills. she gets by.

coming from a life filled with trust issues, shes learnt to overcome this, simply by putting trust in the right people. take time to get to know people, and dont rush into things. when those warning signs go off inside your head, take notice. going with your gut instincts is a must.

the only problem that remains, is that we tend to hold back from good things/good people for our own safety. if we do this our whole lives, then we will miss out on good opportunities.

swims criteria for choosing a suitable partner ended up being:

-must be a communicator.
-must be comfortable hearing about swims sordid past if she feels like speaking about it.
-must be liked by swims son.
-must be good to swims son.
-must be able to take care of swims needs emotionally as well as physically.
-must be honest.
-must not take drugs.
-must share swims passion for music, or at the very least be understanding of the time her hobbies consume. (swims partner produces electronic music also, so this is mega win).
-must not try to change swim.

:P

[MissM87]

SWIY-ex you make perfect, complete, and total sense - as ALWAYS! Your words of wisdom are always so amazingly helpful and thought provoking! "Your thoughts create your world" - that one sentence makes so much sense and so many feelings swarm up. SWIM imagines it's all about taking that first step and changing her way of thinking.. That's the biggest step, really. She can't seem to figure out how to do that though, as much as she knows it will help!!!

The trust issues are the hardest ones, it seems. Going with "gut instinct" is definitely in order. It seems like SWIMs gut instincts DO, in fact, work out.. She just has a hard time listening to them over her other worry-wart thoughts/ideas.

By holding back on good things/people it also causes less chance of being hurt (the safety SWIY is talking about) and that's another worry of SWIM's.. Fear of rejection and abandonment. But she totally understands that if she continues on the same path then she will never have the good things/people/opportunities that ARE possible in her life.

SWIYs criteria for a good partner is GREAT. SWIM has made similar lists and thinks that yours is BY FAR better - much more practical for SWIM's (previous) history and lifestyle. It sounds like SWIY has found a perfect match if her partner fits in with her criteria! It's funny how much one person can make all the difference in the world..! I was told recently not to rely on somebody else to make me happy, but if it's what works then it's what works - right? I suppose it's not a matter of him making me happy, but he makes me a better, happier person. If that makes sense..! :P

SWIM wishes she could say that it was her son that helped/caused her to stop using, but it was actually SWIM's boyfriend.. Suppose SWIM did stop in large part FOR her son, though. He'll have the happy, normal mommy that he deserves now and that really makes SWIM's heart soar!!

[ex-junkie]

i think it comes down to how you view yourself and your vices. when dealing with a full recovery there is no grey area. its got to be in black and white. swim has noticed a lot of people on opiates can only think about the short term, but its the long term that gets you through. once you work out what you want to have achieved in your life before you die, and how youd like people to remember you, then things become a bit clearer. not to say living day by day doesnt work, but you have to have your eye on the long term as inspiration.

like swiy, swim wanted to be a good mother, and she wanted to live a happy, healthy life, be in control, and be ambitious. none of the above mentioned qualities were possible whilst taking drugs, so there is no other choice to achieve what swim wants in her lifetime but not to take them.

every now and then swim has to stop and think to herself, "wow, its saturday... how nice not to be on a queue waiting for methadone/how nice to sleep in/how nice just to simply wake up and not feel like shit". every little thing is inspiring to swim. she would never trade the person she is now, for the person she was then. not even for one shot. patting ones self on the back is essential.

she doesnt pine for lady heroin, because when she thinks about it, she thinks about all the suffering it brought to her and the people who love her. there simply is no buts about it. opiate addiction is completely and utterly cack, so she does not waste any time reminiscing or deluding herself. it was the root of all her problems, and the source of all her misery. if she was to turn back to heroin, she would not ever realize her full potential in life, she would possibly lose her kid, she would hock all this sexy music gear, she would have to go back on methadone, and she couldnt imagine the horror of having to pick up her son from school off her face, or having to deal with the unapproving stares of customers in the chemist again.

every little thing counts.

instead she is proud of herself for what she has overcome. she is a SURVIVOR. she has the strength and the power to do whatever she chooses in life- after all, she was successful in beating one of the hardest lessons anyone could encounter in a lifetime. if you beat opiates, then you can do anything you set your mind to in swims opinion. she feels empowered, she feels special to have succeeded where so many people fail, she feels wise beyond her years, and she feels her vagina. (lol- out of nowhere).

lmao.

thats enough just there to make her happy, to make her feel positive about life and to keep her frame of mind amped up enough to deal with whatever comes her way. if you can beat opiate withdrawal, you can do anything. think of yourself like superwoman. :P

you have risen above the odds and are on the way to bigger, better things. whats not to be excited about?


where i have used "you", i have been referring to the attitude a recovering addict will find the most helpful for their frame of mind.

[Dickon]

Originally Posted by ex-junkie

think of yourself like superwoman. :P

I'm doing a little twirl - - or is that Wonder Woman?

[ex-junkie]

lmfao dickon, i now have a visual of you in a wonder womans outfit, doing a twirl.

[Spucky]

I agree with that a real Soulmate can help a lot
but after watching so many Times Girls/ Women in a Rehab i guess
that the Majority looks always for the same kind of Men,
a Men that keeps them away from their own problems!
(my cat spend a few (12?) Times in a clinical Detox and shy try two Times
a long time Rehab, but freaked out after three month)

A Rehab/ Detox or Withdrawal is not (always) a Holiday
in reality it`s a fight for and about Life.
Someone who start in this Time a Relationship cant spend the Time
for them self, but People are in need of this Reflection.
In a Way people who do running around like Bee`s in the Summer
do the same thing like they do with Drugs,
they isolated them self from the "Real World"!

[MissM87]

Happy (belated) Fourth of July! :P

SWIM has found that she really is thinking more about long term goals rather than just the short term BS that usually worries her to death. She's trying to plan out a good life for her son and herself and seems to be on the right track! The opiates were definitely messing with her head, to say the least. As for looking at everything in black and white areas and not grey, well, that's how she is with EVERYTHING anyways it would seem.. And in this case that's a good thing, not so much for all of the other stuff, though. There was no way that SWIM would have gone far on the track that she was on - NOOOOO WAY! She's got her eyes wide open and her mind is full of ideas and thoughts and goals. She also could not have been the good mother that she wanted to be whilst on the pills. Also not possible, in the least.

SWIM hasn't been able to "hate" the opiates like SWIY suggested.. She still DOES pine for them, honestly. She wants to get over this gross feeling - it literally makes her sick to think about. So far, she's found that changing her thought-process seems to be the trick.. When she starts craving or wanting she just thinks about the bad that has come along with the opiates and all of the shit that she's been through and put her loved ones through. She finds that writing it all down, making lists or what have you, and asking herself questions that she answers, seems to be somewhat therapeutic and helpful! So does going for long, brisk walks or... ahem... nookie. :P

LMAO Super woman that can feel her vagina FTW!! WOOT! Maybe SWIM can feel the same way as you - empowered and positive that she can do whatever she sets her mind to. At the moment SWIM isn't able to feel that way - she really does pine for the shit too much, thus far. It's been 25 days and still she has the sickness, chills, sweats, and restless legs.. not to mention the cravings! She wants to know when she'll feel normal again - because thus far, it's not happening. She feels more confused than ever, probably because she has to deal with her issues and emotions now..? That's why she was using opiates - to number herself. She wasn't expecting the overwhelming amount of emotions and physical pains that she's going through. Granted, it does feel VERY good feel the normal aches and pains and get tired or have plenty of energy. She knows that N/A is probably a good place for her to go, but, of course, has talked herself out of going... She's not sure why she doesn't want to go...

SWIM would feel like Superwoman and feel positive about moving on, if she could feel better about herself in general. That's still not happening. She just feels more confused and wacky than ever, to be honest. I guess because she's realizing how confused and wacky she really is...?!

Sorry for the majorly delayed response - SWIM has seen SWIY-ex's response and just hasn't been sure how to reply or what to say. She's going through her normal weirdness again.. Hopefully SWIY-ex is doing GREAT!? Look forward to talking with you soon! It's honestly always a pleasure talking with you, Ex, SERIOUSLY! Have a good one! Laters