Journal - Swim is done

[NotImportant]

Swim cant handle it anymoer. Swim went 5 days without any drugs, then the sadness and depression was too bad too handle, and it was back to the drugs. Swim cant handle it anymore. Swim is done. Swim is just gonna live like this from now on.Swm cant take it, and doesnt feel bad about the addiction anymore. Its the only way to live, without pain, swim thinks now.

[SmokeRings]

Is SWIY actually saying they are done living a lie that they aren't an addict? As it sounds like to SWIM to be so. Most people who say they are done quit, while SWIY seems to sound like they mean the opposite!
Not judging, just wanting clarification!

[Matt The Funk]

SWIY should try to give it more clean time....took a few months before SWIM really felt SOBER, and could properly gauge his drug use and life. Didn't realize this was benzo forum. Anyways what SWIM said still stands greatly. After getting clean from daily habitual use of benzodiazepines SWIM developed really horrible agoraphobia(lasted a few months), and some intense paranoia (worse then his normal paranoia) stayed with him up till very recently. If SWIY is using them to self-medicate (which SWIM would assume you are), then he highly suggests in-patient detox as well, and some in-patient treatment. Also looking to other ways to help SWIYself. It's not about feeling bad about the addiction, it's about what the addiction does to your brain.

[pinksox]

SWIY needs to seriously consider in-patient detox initially and probably a month, at least, of in-patient treatment after. Coming off of benzos after chronic use is potentially risky and the person should be under direct medical supervision. Plus, the are so many newer anti-depressant type meds that have had really good results in treating anxiety and social phobias that they should be given a chance as well. But a good detox can get one clean and safely the first few weeks and give the patient medications to help ease that transition.

[Dickon]

NotImportant,

I can sense your pain and sadness. I have a cat who's experienced addiction to benzodiazepines, and many other addictive drugs too. He's often start a detox, get a little way in and fail. Failure would be really demoralising, and he'd think he'd never get off, what's the point in even trying.

I don't see where you're at as a bad thing. It will feel bleak, probably in a numbed-out, benzo haze way as you're back on them, but in time the motivation to quit will come again. I use the analogy of surfing sometimes, and you've just missed a wave. Getting up on the board now might be pointless, but another wave will come along soon and you might be able to ride that one all the way in to shore.

Depending on how long you've been using them, benzos (I'm assuming that's what you're talking about here, although you're not explicit) can require a fairly long detox, and even after quitting it can take months or years for the body to really settle down to normal. So, if it's possible, it might be a good idea to take pinksox's advice and book in to some residential treatment. When cat did this, he managed to stay off benzos and opiates and everything else for nearly two years. I think without it there was no way in hell he'd have got clean. At that point Cat always knew he could get clean given the right alignment of the stars and his own motivation (i.e. when the right wave came, to continue the surfer analogy). My cat had no problem admitting he had a problem at that time. He quit benzos at that time as well as opiates, and did have many months in a heightened state of anxiety. Oddly this was not altogether ubpleasant. He seemed to be able to run on anxiety-energy, and although everyone was telling him to slow down, he enjoyed being a bit of a maniac!

I know that for the first few days of more recent benzo addictions, when cat quit he was essentially reduced to staying in bed as everything made him so painfully anxious that it was simply not bearable. He'd feel this would go on for ever, and he'd never be right. These more recent addictions were month-long use patterns not year-long one likes before and Cat was mostly using midazolam, alprazolam, temazepam, so fairly short- to medium-acting benzos.

As for your desire to live without pain, I've been there and done that: I understand it. Without wishing to go all hippy or Buddhist on you, I'm going to remind you of the four noble truths.

Life is suffering (or why would you be running from the pain)
Suffering is caused by desire/attachment (the main one we are talking about now is the drugs themselves, but take those away and others will surface)
There is an end of suffering (Wayhay!)
There is a way to the end of suffering (Hmm.....I can tell you one thing, that way is not taking oodles of benzodiazepines. Beyond that, I think this way takes us through shit-loads of suffering to get to the other side, if it's even real. I know for sure it involves being able to face up to who we are, what we have done, how we feel. I'd like to be able to tell you about the serenity obtained from meditation, but it would be a lie. I find it varies between agony and peace. Exercise would probably be a good thing for you, at least if you're body is up to it. Counselling/psychotherapy maybe, but probably not until you're a while off the downers)

The odds are that you're last attempt to quit is indicative of something you know inside. Taking fuck-loads of drugs on a daily basis is not the recipe for peace and happiness. My cat has spent over twenty years going down that path, but the nearly 4 of those spent drug-free shine out as the happiest, or rather should I say, the most fulfilling.

Get help if you need it. You are not alone. Last time my cat quit, he wrote interminable screeds on here. He used DF to reach out when he was in no position to spend much time in 3-d land. It was a God-send.

I hope this sense of futility will pass soon, and you'll find your feet to make another attempt. Failures are an opportunity for learning: I know, it's a bit of a cliche and not much help. However life is about how we see it, far more than what's in front of us. Anyway, I've been where you are, and maybe these words won't mean anything to you now, but maybe a bit later on they might make sense. I hope so.

Dickon

Reputation Comments on this post:

	This was a really great post. And I appreciate it :)
	once again, dr. d has a great post and comments to add. This was very informative and beneficial
	Thank you for posting what other's didn't.

[humdroid]

NotImportant

One up in the morning,
One down in the evening,
thats the way of modern living.

Although you may think so, this does not reflect you, it reflects how modern life would like us to be, that is, the overly ambitious, uptight, unbalanced, and wrongly prioritized side of modern life - not real life.

Although Y cannot share your experience with benzos (i take them, but not daily) Y has has had experience with speed addiction.
Y felt destined to be a base head, like phets were part of him.

In the end though, phets gave Y the boot, by making it so they took more than they gave, but Y can really share your feelings that SWIY and Y are destined to be druggies.

The bottom line is, though, both Y and SWIY's feelings of druggie destiny, are incorrect. They are perceptions Y and SWIY has, but will not always have.

For example, Y never thought he would hear himself say this, but he has been without speed for weeks.
Only this time last year "5 days without speed" was a MASSIVE achievement.
Y know they are different drugs, but Y also had a similar issue with alcohol many years ago.
Y drank daily for well over a decade, and could not envisage a world with no booze, but here he is, with fridge empty of cans, cupboard devoid of bottles, and not a glass in sight.

Y senses that SWIY genuinely wants to be benzo free, and this is the crux, the wanting to.

Feel free to comment on Y's post, as he is not very good with words, and his nerves are not too good today, although he knows he is ok.