Other - Some guy may have traided his marriage for budd

[morican69]

Swim can't wait till this stuff is legalized, not for the law so much since swim lives in California and Swim has a medical condition that allows for him to access it legally (kind of) already, but because of swims Wife.
She is completely anti-everything illegal and had caught swim with paraphernalia two or three times in the past. Each time Swims Wife found something she got mad, threatening to leave swim, something Swim does not want since he loves his Wife and they have a beautiful baby together too. Swim however does not wish to quit because he's a total advocate.

So Swim has been smoking steady even though he promised his Wife he would stop over a year ago. Doing pretty good about not getting caught, until this morning. You see, he smokes out of a sneak a toke that he keeps out of the house except on weekends. He keeps the sneaker on him or hidden somewhere in the house where his baby and or his Wife can't accidentally find it.
Yesterday Swim put his paraphernalia in one of his Wife's jacket pockets, just real quick because he had it on him when he was about to jump in the shower with her and needed to put it somewhere quick.
Dumb move of coarse because this morning Swims Wife puts on that jacket.

Swim knew there was something wrong because when he went to kiss his Wife goodbye, after putting the baby in the car seat, she gave him a look and didn't want a kiss. Swim asked "what's wrong" and his Wife said, "we'll talk later". Swim though she was mad about him not taking the garbage out but then realized that she was wearing the jacket with the stuff in it.

OHHH NOOOOO! he thought to himself. And has been hecka stressing out over it all day.

Swim should have never promised to not do it anymore and so he wouldn't have to lie to his Wife but what's done is done and now all he could do is wait. Maybe throw himself in the mercy of the court and hope that his Wife is cool and don't leave him.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Do not incriminate yourself, not even in the thread title. Thanks

[SmokeRings]

What exactly do you expect anyone to say other than SWIY lied and got caught (as all liars eventually do) and gets whatever they deserve.
SWIY knew his wife was not ok, chose to sneak around and lie about it. That is wrong. Period. End of story. SWIY might as well have been sneaking hookers into the house as well! Seriously, SWIM is sorry to be so harsh, did you expect sympathy?
SWIM uses, and has been and always will be honest about it with her partner. SWIM has had some pretty decent guys come around and once she told them she was a daily user of weed, they'd go.
If SWIY loved his wife as he professes to, he would have stopped. SWIY can still be an advocate and not use. The REAL problem is that SWIY doesn't want to stop, he wants his cake and wants to eat it whenever he wants, even though he knows it can and probably will destroy his marriage.
No sympathy from SWIM, sorry.

[cannabis-sam]

SWIM is in someways sympathetic, in other ways not, honesty always seems to be the way forward, lying is just going stir up more shit than you needed to.

SWIY likes to have a smoke...so have a smoke, and tell the wife, you could explain to her why you use, the negatives, the postitives, what effects it has, try to educate her about cannabis, if she's gone a year without noticing it obviously isn't having an adverse impact on your life. But now mate you've fucked it, because now she'll blame cannabis as much as you, she'll think "oh well thats what drugs do they make you lie, and steal"

Maybe SWIY should try and get her to try it, your wife can't be that much of a bitch that she would leave you, over such a trivial matter as smoking cannabis, you're not hurting anyone, you're not causing her any problems with it, if shes against it then she shouldn't smoke it but you could explain it's your choice she doesn't have to do it and that you're not doing it everyday, in the mornings, spending money that could be spent on childcare and the like.

Talking calmely and respectfully to her feelings aswell as yours is the way forward screaming yourself blue aint going to achieve shit and lying will fuck things up more.

Just be honest and don't be a dick about it.

[SWIM Bulgakov]

SWIY is in a situation.

SWIY is stressed because he dosn't know how to handle himself when confronting his wife. SWIY should relax/meditate/light up and try to think rationally just for an hour or so.

Maybe SWIY can think of saying or better doing something that would change his wife's perspective on this situation or even the situation itself.
For that Swiy should first gain a fresh perspective swiyself.

Is Swiy a liar?

Or did Swiy marry the wrong Wife?

If SWIY promised something he shouldn't have, it is either because SWIY doesn't have the balls to confont his Wife or because Wife just made him promise.

If SWIY has a medical condition, SWIY should neither quit nor promise to.
Even if SWIY doesn't, he seems to be convinced that there is nothing wrong with smoking and should gather balls and wits to advocate to Wife.

I feel that family should be a priority for all of its members and that if one member threatens another with separation because he does something illegal, this member - swiys Wife - doesn't understand what a real family is.
The Federal Government is not her family, she should be standing by your side, not theirs.

Lying to your Wife about doing something illegal is in the same ballpark IMHO.

The question is: Did you already do your best to confront her and did she become unreasonable? Or did you just lie to her because you didn't feel like confronting, fighting, explaining and maybe even separating (or live together and smoke in piece)?


If Swiy is a good liar, he could say to Wife that he changed his mind, that he never should have promised, that he intentionally put paraphernalia in her jacked because he wanted to get caught.

It is ultimatelly up to Swiy to know if he was wrong, if Wife was, if Swiy confronts her or just capitulates.

Good luck!

[old hippie 56]

Got to be honest with the wife about things. Since smoking dope for a medical condition is fully legal in the state ya'll are from, but it won't make it no easier in divorce court. Doubt she would leave over weed, but who knows.

[Yetti]

Everyone has things that they consider "deal breakers". It seems SWIY's wife considers drugs a deal breaker. I feel bad for SWIY that this happened, but it was going to happen anyways because noone can keep up a lie forever from a spouse. Swim wishes that couple the best, it's a terrible thing for that little kid to grow up without both parents living together.

[SmokeRings]

To add to what SWIM posted earlier, the saddest part is that there is a child involved. SWIY knew his wife was not ok with it, that she would more than likely leave him if he got caught again (and lied to himself even, believing he could keep it hidden) and did it anyway.
SWIM is a child of divorce and DOES NOT advocate staying in a marriage for the "sake of the children" at all, BUT, other than SWIY wanting to smoke weed, is the marriage otherwise ok? If so, that's one of the most selfish things SWIMs heard in a long time.
SWIY has basically chosen weed over his kid.
SWIM isn't having kids because she KNOWS she's selfish. If she were to get pregnant would she stop smoking? Absolutely. Would she smoke after the baby was born? Absolutely not. Whilst SWIM is also an "advocate" (whatever that means) she would not have drugs in her home where her child could potentially find them and ingest them. SWIM does not want to hear excuses of "oh, the kid would never find them" that's bullshit and we all know it. How many kids shoot their heads off when they find Daddy's pistol every year? Too many. Drugs are no better.
SWIM is actually surprised she's so riled up over this. Maybe it's because she really made a conscious decision to not have children, drug use being one of the reasons. SWIM is sickened by people who have children, yet still want to do whatever they did before that child was here. Once you have a child, your life SHOULD change for as long as that child resides in your home. It's your DUTY as a parent to do so. SWIM could care less about the wife, she was stupid to stick around after finding the stash the first time, once a liar, always a liar. But both are guilty of being bad parents. People treat children like a pet these days. Thinking "oh honey, wouldn't we make the cutest baby, let's do it" and 9 months later, out pops a kid. They seem to forget that it is quite possibly the biggest responsibility of one's life.
SWIM just doesn't get it. People today are so irresponsible and selfish and just don't think they have to change their behaviors once they have kids. PARENTS are responsible for that childs life, is SWIM the only one here who see's a problem?!

[purplehaze]

Phazes friends keep putting themselves in the same position because they want a "good girl" but don't realize that at the same hand the good girls are the ones who are very closed minded. Phaze always said the same thing, why not get someone who atleast knows you smoke that way they know the real you. Phaze has been dumped over smoking before but as cruel as it was because he introduced himself and the relationship grew knowing he was a smoker until she realized she was better than him and left. Phaze would tell wife it is what it is and she needs to listen to what he has to say about it, like why he does it, what it does to him how he acts while high etc.

If wife has a problem with it after discussing it and understanding that husband enjoys smoking and the effects it gives him then since the couple have a kid it would be best to give in and be the person a good girl wants. Because after all thats what they want right, so now you have to quit smoking if she says so. Personally phaze is a straight forward person and he doesn't have a problem with smoking so if its a problem he has been ok with saying bye in the past. More fish in the sea, and having a gf that smokes in a commited relationship is awesome. Not to mention usually when people lie about that they have a few more things that they dont wanna tell the person because they aren't ok with it. Not much for censoring my life for someone else. My opinion is do whatever it takes to stay with the girl until the child is 18, then whatever. The child doesn't deserve the repurcussion of a situation it wasn't even alive to have a choice in. Leaving over smoking weed would in my eyes make her a worse person than your choice to smoke weed as a parent.

[SmokeRings]

Sorry phaze, SWIM can't even begin to comprehend how you can say she would be the worst parent?! She is more than likely doing it more for the kid NOW than before. She actually has the kid's best interest at heart. If he keeps smoking, he's chosen a stupid drug over his kid!!!!

SWIM is similar and was digging your thread until then, hehe. She certainly didn't see that one coming! As SWIM stated previously, she isn't going to breed at all, but has plenty of friends who do all kinds of drugs and have children. They all know that she disapproves, doesn't mean she won't be friends, but she certainly doesn't go to their place and get loaded, or permit them to if they have to pick up their kid from a sitter or whatever. SWIMs house is known as "not kid friendly", so it makes things a lot easier. SWIM would DIE if a child was in her home and it go hurt.

Reason for that is physical impairment. While SWIM knows most can maintain while smoking if something were to happen to the kid, and the parent was on something stronger, they could quite possibly hurt or kill their own child because they are too incapacitated to make rational decisions.

OP KNEW his wife did not condone, he agreed to it all, yet LIED. A lot. There is no marriage without trust, it's most definitely a must for a successful life together. If they ended up staying together for "the sake of the kid" then more than likely that kid will have a very warped view on relationships as well as drug use! In other words, SWIM highly believes staying for the kid can actually be MORE harmful!

[EyesOfTheWorld]

If SWIY is a medical mj patient in Cali, then it's not illegal for you. If SWIYs wife simply objects to illegal things, point this out. As amedical mj patient, SWIY is not breaking the law.
The problem is the lying. SWIM gives no sympathy for that. Man up and tell her it is SWIY's legal medicine. Maybe she could come to SWIY's next dr. appt and have it explained by the MD?

[purplehaze]

Smoking weed IMO will not cause the husbands parental skills to lower. If she leaves the husband over smoking weed it is my personal opinion that she has caused more of a problem for the child than the husband occasionally smoking cannabis. This is ofcourse just my opinion.

Also it's my opinion that most relationships have lies. A happy ending is a unfinished story and at one point or another one partner will lie to protect the feelings of the other partner. Most of the time it is due to the same situation but different specifics. Such as His wife feels strongly about cannabis smoking and any drug in general she feels that it's very wrong and it upsets her most likley because she has been taught against this sort of thing. Husband is more open minded to the subject and doesn't see as it should be a problem and wants to use cannabis. Since he loves his wife and she feels so strongly abuot it he chose to lie in order to protect the relationship. Was it right? No. The question now is can you move past it? The only thing to do is discuss it with her.

I have a strange philosphy on how i live my life. I like to consider life as only having one chance to do anything while im here. Me and my gf have our own lifes, our own experiences and we are just a part of each others life. While the main rule on trust is dont cheat, as i feel that to be the only deal breaker of trust. IMO just because you lied in this scenerio it doesn't make you a liar. You seem to be a responsible adult in other areas as someone else said it obviously hasn't changed who you are. She hasn't noticed a difference in the year swiy has been doing it behind her back the only problem is doing it infront of her or her knowing you do it. I dont see a reason for her to leave personally. And if i was in the same position as you having a child if she left i would probably cuss her for everything shes worth. I like to have the security that my girlfriend is permanent and that it wont change overnight. Meaning the only thing she would leave for is cheating and since i don't cheat i feel like im going to have her forever as i believe i will. If she leaves for pot and gets a divorce as a rash decision i feel shes being ignorant. I don't think the child will suffer in losses from his father having a joint from time to time. The same as millions of american parents who drink beer every weekend who aren't alcoholics. A much safer way to relax and if something happens swiy wouldn't be impaired to the point that he would be useless in the case of an emergency. Nothing at all to cause this kind of disturbance IMO. I would highly recommend wife either researching the topic with a open mind before she left or trying it herself. Otherwise peace. Get the kids once a week and send child support, possibly even find a woman who wants to be with you and won't give up and leave suddenly.

[Lady Codone]

While the lying bit was cowardly and dishonest, I can't say I blame you entirely for this situation.

You said your wife is against everything that's illegal, but using marijuana in your state for medical purposes is legal, right? If you have a card and a legitimate medical need for it, she should respect your right to use it to treat your condition like any other medicine, so long as you don't expose her or your child to it, do it in privacy, and don't drive under the influence, etc. Would she be this opposed to you taking potent, addictive narcotic painkillers, which are 100% legal in the US by prescription but infinitely more addictive/life-wrecking than cannabis? Does she have your best interest at heart?

This is one of those things where you have to decide what's important, as well as what's reasonable. Is it really reasonable for her to demand that you give up your rights as an mmj patient when it's not hurting anyone, is treating your condition, and is technically legal in your state? She should know that, while the feds have busted patients in the past, they bust largescale growers/Compassion Clubs far more frequently. Furthermore, president Obama has called for an end to medical marijuana raids in states where it's legal. If marijuana were to be fully legalized, would she REALLY be ok with you using it, or is the "illegal" thing just a justification for her own prejudices against the plant? These are all things to consider.

Relationships are about compromise and communication. Breaking her trust was a mistake that will take time to heal, but she's got to be willing to give a little on things that don't really involve her or affect the quality of the relationship. "Pick your battles" is a term that comes to mind. Just know that forcing someone to give up something that's not hurting anyone is unfair and unreasonable. Assure her that you're just as capable of being a good husband, father, and provider as you would be without pot, maybe more so. I have a feeling her dislike of the weed goes beyond its current legal status.

[morican69]

OMG Swim loves the people in this forum. The honesty, all be it painful at times, is the best medicine IMO.

Swim is not usually a liar, he actually prided himself as an honest, kind and good person to everyone. He just didn't think he could be honest with his Wife about this subject because of her bias towards pot smokers in general.
Swims medical condition is not life threatening, just debilitating pain and muscle spasms from injuries from a motorcycle accident that almost killed him and migraine headaches he has suffered from all his lif..
Swims Wife is not sympathetic to Swim's reasons for smoking, since she is so against it.


So, Swim's Wife does not come home that night right after work and picking up our 2yo. Son from grandmas as she usually does or texts Swim as to her whereabouts.

Swim knew that she was doing this on purpose to upset or scare Swim so he just played a little XBOX and waited patiently for his family to come home.

When she came home Swim was nice to her as he always is, gave his Son a big hug and told him I love him, as usual. Not that he was trying to act like nothing happened just didn't feel like jumping right into it until she was ready. She took off her jacket and threw it on Swims head, covering his face as Swim sat back down on the living room sofa and stormed into the bed room.
This by the way is the same jacket that held the paraphernalia, so I guess that was a symbolic gesture of “her knowing and letting me know that she was pissed” or something.
She's a bit of a rude person by nature, worse when she’s on her period and pretty much that way with all her loved ones. This, and the fact that Swim has had a failed marriage with a couple of kids and child supports and strained uncle-like relationships with his children that moved to another state, is probably why he’s afraid of his Wife and failed to do the right thing in the first place. I guess Swims a little messed up in the head now.

Swim ignored this act obviously intended to get a rise out of Swim and asked her if she had eaten yet, she doesn't cook at all and after finding out that she hadn't eaten yet he offered to make her something, again as usual.

Later she finally asked Swim, if he knew why she was upset and what Swim had done wrong, that had her so upset. He fessed up right away, finally taking this opportunity to come clean, apologized for lying to her all this time and for accidentally putting it in her jacket pocket and so risking her getting harassed by the police. He explained that he only lied because of her threat of leaving if he didn't promise to quit and his unwillingness to ever quit because of his belief in this plant.
Lying is chicken isht and cowardly, Swim knows, no matter how you justify it but he did not wish to lay his future in the hands of a person that would break up a family over something as innocuous as pot.

Swim proceeded to try and educate her as to the laws and how Swim was not breaking them in California, the benefits Swim experience and the dangers possible which Swim does his best to minimize by being smart about his use and weighed them/compared them against prescription drugs and alcohol, some from personal experience and some from research.
Swim must have fought his case like a trial attorney or a discovery channel documentary, sighting facts, statistics, comparisons, examples, etc., to no avail.

Swim married a closed minded person, his fault because he should have known before trying to start a life with her but it was a whirl wind type relationship that ended in marriage and a beautiful baby boy that we both love very much and so it’s kind of too late.

So now he's forced to make the choice of telling the truth and keep smoking in which case he will get dumped, telling the truth and actually quitting and altering his beliefs and actions to match his Wife's, or he can continue to lie and keep doing what he wants.

[SWIM Bulgakov]

SWIY's continuation is a relief. SWIM could expect that SWIY could be separated and/or fail to return to the because of the couple of cans of vicious reproaches he had opened here.

SWIM is happy to congratulate SWIY on staying together with Wife and on the ground won from her.

SWIM suggests that SWIY approaches this issue systematically as it is his most important and urgent priority.

There surely are ways to convince wife. SWIY could write a letter to some celebrity respected by Wife and who happens to be a smoker or some crazy shit like that.

SWISHRINK

[DopinDan]

Some people have been brainwashed, and brainwashed good, as to the evils of cannabis. They think all drugs are the same, weed=heroin=coke=weed (they tend to forget alcohol, and cigarettes, and coffee are drugs)

They buy into the "health argument", that its bad for one's health, but how many need to go to prison on the taxpayers dime for a substance that has not ever killed anyone, unlike alcohol and tobacco, that are clearly a health hazard but are approved by the culture?

I am sorry to hear SWIY is in this predicament, SWIM's ex and current wife were brought up brainwashed against all illegal drugs, and are totally ignorant about what's a drug and where said drug falls in terms of hazzard, and why some of them were illegalized in the first place (rascism, corporate interests and military industrial complex interests)

I know it's hard to talk to someone, and have them understand a logical argument, when their argument is based on knee-jerk emotion, and lack of understanding, resulting from some serious brainwashing public relations campaigns.

Idealy SWIM's wife would analyze her belief system, and determine where she formed the belief weed=bad, or illegal=bad, whichever it is, and explore whether the belief is valid.

One cannot force another to change, it is known to hypnotists, that one cannot use hypnosis, to do belief change work, unless the patient wants to change.

SWIM himself has not used an illicit substance in nearly 4 years, although he does take a 60mg of norco for an injury to the neck and right arm. This is ok with SWIM's wife

SWIM recently told his wife he cannot promise he will never use MJ again. She won't like it, but the way SWIM see's it if she leaves SWIM over MJ, she doesn't really love him enough to get a clue, and at least try to consider SWIM.

Having a child complicates things, and requires extra careful thought, SWIM does not have the experience there.

[Joe-(5-HTP)]

Originally Posted by DopinDan

Some people have been brainwashed, and brainwashed good, as to the evils of cannabis. They think all drugs are the same, weed=heroin=coke=weed (they tend to forget alcohol, and cigarettes, and coffee are drugs)

While this is true, there is a danger in applying this label to people because you can end up believing that because their beliefs are so irrational that they are being unreasonable and that therefore you don't have to be truthful with them. This is always a mistake because you end up looking like the liar and justifying their irrationality to them even more. Just be honest.

[EyesOfTheWorld]

As SWIM stated before, take the wife with SWIY to the doctor, and have him/her explain the medical benefits of mj, and its legality in your state. SWIM has noticed that closed minded people often change their minds once they hear "testimony" from an "expert".

[Chronix]

Swim has sympathy for Swiy. It's tough to love 2 things that dont love eachother. Swim has been in similar positions before, and unfortunatly unless the one in Swiy's life decides to have a change in morals, then an easy fix to the problem doesn't exist. Also Swim knows it seems wrong but part of him feels that if someone really loves another person then despite their positions on lifestyle choices they should always be supportive and look for a way to make it work not get angry.

[purplehaze]

I think you're stuck in one of those relationships that has very poor communication. There's some subjects that are simply off limit's which just won't work. Therapy like seeing a marriage counseler might help just to open the communication up. I get the picture that swim is being looked at like everything he says is just useless and it's basically just lies or the drugs talking. Weed is so not one of those drugs.

[morican69]

Once again Swim thanks you all for their comments, whether Swim agrees with them or not, they are all welcome.

An update as to Swim's problem with his Wife and her not wanting to budge or meet Swim half way on this issue.
Just last night Swim's Wife brought up the subject on her own, saying
"if Swim doesn't stop doing it, then swim will loose his family" but Swim noticed a playful, half joking tone in his Wife's voice, so he took this opportunity to tell her that he does not wish to stop, sees nothing wrong with pot use and he wished that she saw that. That he already gave up riding sport bike at her request and that should be a show of faith and proof of how much he cares about his family and his Wife. She actknowledged the huge gesture on his part for giving up the motorcycle at her request and knows how much that means to him and promised that when their son is 18 that Swim can ride again.
He told her that besides the smoking pot, he thinks he's been a good person, good father and husband and has never allowed his "habit" to become a problem in his life either at home or at work. Swim's Wife replied that it is just that we live in a society that is against drugs, to which He replied, He could care less about society's biases, and that at one time it was socially acceptable to own slaves or to keep women out of the work force and because societies biases are wrong in his opinion. Alcohol and cigarettes are legal and socially accepted or tolerated and he has no intention on doing either one of those things no matter who thinks it's ok.
We got interrupted by our son wanting to play with me or something and so didn't continue that conversation but he felt a possible bending on her once rock hard stance, which gives Swim hope.

Also he noticed that same night of that argument, that she was trying to be touchy-feely in bed, Swim ignored her and curled to his side of the bed.
The next day he noticed her looking up HD TV's, something that she knows Swim has been wanting. This gave Swim the idea that she might be remorseful of her being so hard on Swim and a willingness to make Swim happy. Then Yesturday she asked to do lunch with Swim and was acting all in love like they usually are with eachother and she casually asked Swim what had he told his best friend about her, knowing that Swim would probably seek his best friends advice or vent to him. Swim replied only with "what would I tell him?" to which she replied "nothing, you don't have to tell him anything".
All this happened before yesterday evenings attempt to talk to Swim about it again, Swim sees these actions as a positive, that she is trying to keep an open mind and thinks she might be in the wrong.

[SWIM Bulgakov]

Bravo! Strike while the iron is hot! Tell her that you are in pain and that a family HD TV evening is difficult to bear unless you can suckle on the Extreme Vaporizer while watching.

[morican69]

So the HD TV never came to be but Swim has also not missed a step in his cannabis use, his Wife still is against it and so Swim is still lying, unfortunately. Not being asked by his Wife if he actually stopped he is simply not talking about it and keeping it hidden but pretty much the same thing as bold faced lying, right. This sucks but what you going to do.

One good thing to come out of this situation, is that now Swim has brought up the subject and talked about it with his Wife without fear a couple of times. As Swim said, his Wife is still anti and not willing to allow/give Swim permission/ the go ahead to smoke pot, but at least the lines of communication are still open.

[cannabis-sam]

DO NOT LIE AGAIN, it will only fuck things up more. Pick the time and get to the bottom of the issue. Just keep your calm, try and, in the next few days, print off good scientific studies, some people here could point you to some.

Honesty is the key.

[SWIM Bulgakov]

Good that you are able to see the bright side. But if you don't tackle this issue urgently, systematically and energetically, your family might fall apart.

[Potter]

I'm sorry, but why did you marry this woman in the first place? You knew she vehemently disagreed with your lifestyle and yet you went forward anyways.

I think what you are getting is known as "comeuppance".

On that note, what the hell was she thinking?