Why does someone choose cocaine over everything?

[Wyldeflower]

Hello. I haven't read every topic in this forum, but have seen
enough to realize that some very intelligent people post here from all
walks of life.



I am trying to understand how someone can basically sell their soul and choose cocaine over everything.



I have been with this man for almost nine years. We get along
fabulously and seldom disagree. We are in our late forties, we
have a beautiful house and an income property together and money in the
bank and stocks and bonds. We both have management jobs with a
major very successful company. He was recently promoted.



The only thing is, he will disappear about every month or month and a
half and go on a coke binge. He goes to very seedy areas and
associates with lowlifes that have stolen his banking card and ripped
him off for almost $3000.00 dollars before he realized his card was
gone and called the bank to have it frozen. He has taken out over
$800.00 dollars on our line of credit in a single night. The list
goes on and on. When he disappeared like that I was always so worried
that this time maybe one of those lowlifes had killed him for his
credit cards or something. One time he was gone for 2 days and
they found a body in the Bay where we live. I was so afraid it
was him but luckily it wasn't. Every time he is sorry and it is "the
last time". The next to "last time" when he came back he cried
like he was broken hearted and I really thought he had reached a
breakthough, I had never seen him like that. He seemed like he
genuinely doesn't want to do this. I gave him one more chance.



Well he blew it. It was about a month and a half after the time
before. We are working in a huge and dangerous city right now, and
almost 2 weeks ago I had to work late and around 8PM he told me he was
just going out for a few beers, and would be back in a couple of
hours. The next morning he still wasn't back. He had taken
the car and disappeared. All day I worried that maybe this time
maybe something really did happen to him and debated if I should call
the police and report him missing. He finally called me at 6PM
all strung out and sorry again. When he came back he lied to me
again, giving some lame excuse about where he had been. I kicked
him out.



Well enough is enough. I loved him very much but I can't take
this anymore. When I love someone, I am very loyal and it
takes a long time, but I will reach the point where I will walk
away. I just can't take the lying and worrying if he is dead or
alive. I haven't spoken to him again, I don't want to at this
point. I suppose we will have to at some point because if
anything we will have to discuss the dissolution of our assetts.



I am seeking some kind of insight as to how someone can behave this
way. He doesn't use coke every day, but can't resist doing this
every now and then. Should I have ended it long ago? Maybe
all those ultimatums rang hollow after awhile and he thought I would
put up with it forever.



Sadly I still love him, except for this we were best friends and things
couldn't be better. However I don't respect him or trust him
anymore, I am afraid it is over.



Can someone ever stop doing this, or was I fool to hang on for so long?

[lolomgwtfbbq]

Unless he wants to quit, he probably isn't going to. Maybe he could
consider going to rehab or at least NA [Narcotics Anonymous] meetings
or something because it sounds like his addiction is really hurting
you. This doesn't mean that you need to end the relationship, that's up
to you. I think you should get him some help regardless of the whole
relationship, though, because there's a difference between
recreationally using and ruining people's lives and it sounds like he's
well on the way to hitting rock bottom.



Of course, I don't know everything about the situation so sorry if I said something you disagree with.



If you want any more information, just keep posting or you can PM me.

[Wyldeflower]

Thank you for your reply Lolo. Please don't worry about me
disagreeing with anything you or anyone may offer, I appreciate the
feedback.



Before I met him he was been sent to addiction recovery programs
because he was using it constantly. Now like I say, it isn't
daily or even weekly use (that I know of) it's these binges. They
are occurring with greater frequency though. At one time it might
happen every 4 to 8 months. This year he left on New Year's Day,
then about 2 weeks later, again at the end of February, then mid April.



So I believe you are right, he seems to be heading into a downward
spiral. He works in a "Safety Sensitive" position, if they found
out what he was up to he would lose his job. I am at a loss as
what to do, he promises, seems remorseful, then goes right back at
it. I am afraid someday he won't come back, a policeman will come
and tell me he is never coming back again. If you knew the
neigborhoods he goes to seek out his coke buddies, you would understand.



I know that every case is different, but do people like him ever quit?

What can I do to help, nothing has worked up to this point.

[SLICE]

once every couple of months??? Let the guy have some fun! If you haven't got kids then I don't really see the problem. Maybe if you went out to party with him,or allowed him to party provided he called you a few times to let you know where he is,it wouldn't be such a big deal. He's obviously not a bum because as you said,,he has a great job and is responsible in every other walk of life. If you're perfect for each other then you need to compromise.. it doesn't sound to me as though he has a major problem,but then again I'm not you.. different circumstances/outlooks on life etc. I'm not criticising you because I understand your point of view-I'm just saying you need to look at things from his perspective 1st.He has a pretty stresfull job from sounds of things and probably likes to let off steam every so often... maybe you could look at spending more time doing the things you enjoy together??

[lolomgwtfbbq]

Even if the binges don't occur frequently, they still aren't very good
for him and I'm sure he's harming the relationship between the two of
you because it's never good to not know where your significant other is
for several days.



If he could perhaps at least get back to controlled recreational use
then it wouldn't really be as harmful but if it's so risky considering
his job and such I think you should try to get him to quit perhaps,
although it's probably the last thing he wants to do.



People like him do quit but he has to want it for himself because I'm
also an addict and I know for a fact that unless you want to quit,
nobody is capable of making you.



You can help by discussing this with him, but try not to sound accusing
or anything because that will probably make him angry. I think there's
some stuff on the internet on how to confront people about this. You
could say that you get really worried when he goes out because you
don't know where he is or if he's safe because that is a rather
legitimate point.

[sands of time]

Hmm this is a tricky situation. He probably doesn't want to quit because he doesn't think he has a problem. Many people think that occasional use is ok cause it can be controlled. The fact is though, that if this use is getting in the way, then there is a bit of a problem there. Maybe you should just try to convince him that it's time to settle down alittle, enjoy what he has worked so hard for over the years. Rehab is always a good option as well.

[Creeping Death]

Ask yourself why exactly you want him to stop. It's not effecting or damaging anything, is it? You cant really tell somebody what to do because you don't agree with it.

If the only thing bothering you is his safety and the people he does it with, you should give him an anlternative. Have him party with you instead.

[Wyldeflower]

Thanks everyone, your input is very valuable to me, especially because
this is not exactly something you can discuss with most everyone...



I am not a stranger to recreational drug use, I grew up in the
seventies, after all. Cocaine has never done much for me, I guess I'm
lucky. I tried it several times but I could never see what the
big deal was.



I have told him I would rather see him do that at home, or in a safe
environment, because I am worried about him. I never ordered him
to quit or anything like that.



It seems that he would rather go hang around crack houses, or go off
with strangers to do it. We travel a lot account of our jobs. and
a lot of the time we are in strange cities where don't know
anyone. He goes to bars and hooks up with people. When we
are at home he goes to crack houses. Even though he has been
ripped off by some that hang out there he keeps going back. He
has a cell phone, but he never calls and keeps it turned off when he is
on one of these little missions. These are people that he
normally does not associate with. Once one of the regulars at the
crack house he goes to found out where we lived and came to visit him,
I guess thinking they were friends. My husband was horrified and told
him never to just drop by like that, he would call him if he wanted to
see him.



We do spend time together, we go a lot of places and party together, as
I said this is basically the only major thing we disagree on.
Obviously though, I have no interest in going with him to hang around
crack houses or finding strangers in skid row bars to hang out with for
a couple of days. I was never one to "put him on a leash".
His life is his own and he is free to come and go as he pleases.
I am not interested in following him around and stopping him from doing
anything, the choice is up to him. I guess after 9 years I have
to accept that this what he wants to do and it doesn't look at this
point that anything will change. If anything it's happening more
often.



I still haven't seen him, it has now been since April 24. We are
working in different cities right now and I'm kind of glad because I
don't really know what to say to him, I am not sure how I feel or what
to do yet. I do know I'm tired of the lying and bullshit for
nothing.

[uqlfy]

So what Im getting here from you is it is not so much the occasional use of cocaine that has brought things to this point it is the lying on his part about his use and also to a lesser degree where//how he uses?
It doesnt sound like his habit has caused financial problems as of yet. So far hes managed to stay out of jail. I agree that the places he goes to use arent safe but hes is a big boy now and knows that its not safe.Maybe he doesnt want to bring that shit around you and his home so that you arent exposed to his problem directly?
That being said would it be okay if he stayed home and smoked up a few hundred dollars of rock? What would you do if you he came back to the hotel you stayed in when out on business an he was blowin some lines?
If your problem is really just about him lying about using occasionally and where he goes,then its solved pretty easily. Tell him to quit lying and just stay home to get high.
I suspect though the real issue is that his use scares you and that you are afraid it may turn into a fullblown addiction. In which case some professional help for both of you might not be a bad idea.


Edited by: uqlfy

[motorhead]

Wyldeflower, do you have a joint bank account? Have u checked your stocks and bonds lately? I would. Slice and uglfy, this guyinsnt someonewho likes to party with his buddies and have an occational blow on the weekends. Unless he drastically changes,hes on his way to being jobless, penniless, and without a life partner. Period. Ive seen it plenty of timesand done it myself. I doesnt matter how much you have, Crack can take it all.


Im not saying crack cant be used recreationally, and I wish the best for you wyldeflower, but from what youve written it really sounds like your guy is on the fast track to rock bottom. Obvisously your not happy with the situation. I think you know already the two ways this could possibly turn out, and i hope its the one you want.

[uqlfy]

Perhaps you could read my post again a little more closely Moterhead? The tone was more sarcastic of him than approving. Of course thats the problem with the written word its hard to convey tone. Edited by: uqlfy

[motorhead]

Sorry if i dissed you uglfy, not my intention at all. I was just trying to give wyldeflower the view from the extreme end of the spectrum. Shit i got all serious thinking back about my own experience with crack. Its the worst case scenario for sure, but man it doesnt look good for him.

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by Wyldeflower

It seems that he would rather go hang around crack houses, or go off
with strangers to do it.* We travel a lot account of our jobs. and
a lot of the time we are in strange cities where don't know
anyone.* He goes to bars and hooks up with people.* When we
are at home he goes to crack houses.

Sorry to have to say it, but if he's graduated to crack then the time has come for you to depart. Do it now, before he starts stealing from YOU or worse, because if he continues the slide his behavior will become more and more bizarre and dangerous. Get out, now.

P.S. SWIM has done crack and has known crack addicts, so he's not talking out his tail end.Edited by: Nicaine

[Wyldeflower]

You have given me a lot to think about.



You all seem to pretty well understand my point of view in many
ways. I have no problem with anyone doing drugs now and then, but
I can't understand why he feels the need to sneak off and hang around
the skuzziest people you can imagine and then try to lie to me about
it. I have to wonder, if he lies about that, what else does he
lie about. Though like you said I get the feeling he doesn't want
it too close to home. He seems to feel embarrassed and sorry and
like he really wants to stop, but can't.



I know he's in danger of losing it all.



Before I met him we lived 1200 kilometers apart and I know he was sent
to rehab at least twice, and from what I have been told by mutual
acquantances, three times. He was very vague about it all and I
never pressured him for the details, after all you would hope to leave
the past in the past, right? I know he lost his license for DUI
SEVEN times. He was still under suspension when we met and when
his suspension was up he went to get his license back it took him three
years. They really did not want to give it back and he had to
jump through hoops to persuade them. I really thought he had
learned his lesson with the DUI thing because if he gets caught again
he is justifiably screwed. I now know about at least 3 times he
has taken a vehicle when drinking and doing coke or crack (drinking and
one or the other goes hand in hand with him), in the last 10 months,
twice a company vehicle and the last time, my car.



So, under less critical circumstances I would have no problem with
seeing someone do a few lines now and then. All your comments
have hit painfully close to home because beside the DUI instances I am
seeing some real warning signs that you mentioned. I have control
of the property and my personal assets and he can't touch them without
my knowledge, but as I mentioned in the first post after he disappeared
in February I checked our joint line of credit and found that he had
taken out cash advances of about $800.00 one of the nights he
disappeared. I haven't cancelled his access to the card yet but
you can be sure I'm watching it like a hawk. To cancel him off
the card is like taking the final step and ending it all. That's
very hard to do, but I can see that perhaps I have no alternative
because nothing else I have done has worked up to this point.



I can't reconcile this time without a definite and proven change. There has to be an end to it all one way or another.



Thanks again for all your thoughts. You have given me insight and valuable advice.




Edited by: Wyldeflower

[Nicaine]

You have the bad misfortune of caring about an addict... if it helps any, it's pretty well proven/accepted everywhere that the problem is biological (thus could be called a disease) and not a moral issue. He really can't stop, and no amount of wanting to helps much. The recovery groups talk endlessly about a higher power, probably because people tend to grasp at the only available hope. But in my opinion this issue requires intense application of brainpower and intelligence, not praying to big papa in the sky. If he's an intelligent guy, he has a better chance than usual IMO (success doesn't equate to intelligence of course).

If you can get him away from it for a month or more (long vacation somewhere?) there might be a chance. Since he's been to rehab a couple times, more probably won't do much (SWIM speaks from experience). People do quit, but sometimes it's only after seemingly endless relapses -- over and over and over again. Are you willing to go through that with him? I'd weigh him against your sanity (sorry, hard choices).Edited by: Nicaine

[motorhead]

Yes wyldflower i think i disregarded the title to your thread in my original post...Why? Its a very hard one to answer, there are many threads in this forum dealing with addiction, stories about it, people trying to explain it and so forth. When i read yours it hit close to home because it reminded me vividly of my experience.


My theory of addiction is that of the addictive personality. I also think that when one gets hooked to a drug, for me anyway, one also gets hooked on the little rituals that go with it. I smoke, i like smoking after eating, showering, holding the smoke, exhaling in different ways. Coke users often chop and then rechop their lines to fine powder, carefully running out the lines with a razor blade. I now like to IV my pills and half the fun is laying my gear out carefully on the counter, preparing my spoon, water, and rig, cooking my fix, drawing it into the barrel, rolling up my sleeve, swabbing the site,shaking out the air.... lol you get the idea.


Now crack is an extremely psychological addiction. It beckons to you from where ever u may be. Its always calling. Crack has a reputation as being a dirty drug, not because of its pharmacology-its actually alot cleaner than powder coke if done right, but because it is purified and made cheaper and therefore usually located in seedier parts of a city or community. (ps, before i get flamed on this point i realize it is a generalization) So for me anyway, scoring crack meant leaving my other wise normal existence, my true friends, my job, my life behind when i went out to score. The score is cracks ritual. Slinking out into the darkness, under the stars wandering into the dangerous part of town, following that siren song of the temptress crack cocaine. Once there u are among the addicts, run down shops, the prostitutes, and the ones u are there to meet-the dealers. The excitement builds, you ignore the offers from the protitutes, you look for a guy you may have scored from before, one that hasnt ripped u off. That is rare so u take a chance with someone else, knowing u could get ripped. I swear the chance of getting ripped off became almost like putting my chips on the blackjack table. Exciting in its own perverse way. So u insist that he open the foil to make sure it isnt chalk or plaster or whatever. Finally u score, slink away to some dark alley or a crack house, people all around, pipes of all kinds, more offers from prostitutes.. you dont care about anything, your real life back at home or anything cuz now you are high, and everything is OK.


I finally stopped when my job was gone and all my furnature and possesions. Not as much as you have wyldeflower, but gone just the same. The only way i could have continued was to become a full time theif or a male prostitute and neither one of those was an option for me. So i dont know if this answers your question, shit i look back at that wasted time and askmyself why? I was lucky in one sense that i didnt have a family or kids at the time, just a single guy wasting his life. Once again i wish u luck.

[uqlfy]

Why?? Well in my case it was love of self destruction. I mean what better to way to do yourself in then pleasure. I think anyone whos tried it would agree crack is like smokin an orgasm. Sometimes you know you shouldnt do something but it feels so good that the fact its bad only make sit more appealing

[Nicaine]

Originally Posted by uqlfy

*Why?? Well in my case it was love of self destruction. I mean what better to way to do yourself in then pleasure.

Any drug can be like that though. Last year when I was binging (May thru August) I decided I'd try and kill myself with cola (snow), for this reason: It was all I cared about anymore. I had even lost all love for my relatives, friends and pets, hobbies, interests, sleep, food, EVERYTHING. *ALL* I cared about was cola, and it was killing me, and I was inviting it to.

Then I ran out of money and my dealer split town. LOL! Gotta love second chances, eh? Fascinates me how life is so damn unpredictable.Edited by: Nicaine

[Wyldeflower]

I read your replies a couple of days ago and have given them all a lot
of thought. They were most enlightening and I thank you all very
much for contributing. I suspect in his case a little of all of
them apply.



I still haven't spoken to him. I finally realize he isn't going
to quit, maybe so does he. That leaves us hopelessly
deadlocked. I can never take another night of the minutes turning
to hours and sometimes days without knowing if he will come back this
time or not.



I feel so sad and tired.



I will think of you all often and I wish you the best...

[BrugmansiaBrujo]

All the best to you Wyldeflower. Don't fall in to the trap of blaming yourself somehow for his habit.



I had a similar situation twice, both ex-spouses. Except I'm a guy, and
the drug was methamphetamine. It got to the point both times
where I just couldn't take it anymore. You can't "order" a loved one to
do something like quit drugs, and you can't change them. They must want
it themselves.



It gets to the point where you simply have to tell them, in a period of
relative sobriety (if there ever is one), that you love them but just
can't take it anymore. Then you give an ultimatum, this is where you
really find out where you and he/she is: You simply say to them make a
choice - me or the drugs. If they say the drugs (like what
happened to me twice) then you simply must let it and them
go. Not just the physical separation, but you truly have to
let go mentally and get on with your life.



The old saying is true: If you love something set it free: if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was.



Don't be as addicted to him as he is to his drug. Let it go.

[Wyldeflower]

That is very true Brugman and exactly the advice I needed to have right now.

[BrugmansiaBrujo]

Take care of yourself first. You can't save the world, or even one
other person. All you can do is take care of yourself. And love
yourself. No one else can do that for you.



You must take care of yourself and love yourself first. If you are
truly doing that, other people will notice and you will be attractive
to other people. Someone will come along for you.



Someone much more worthy of your love will come along. You just
have to take care of yourself and love yourself. The glow will show on
your personna, you WILL be noticed. Heck, if you really truly are
successfull at it, you'll probably have to line them all up and give
them nunbers for appointments



Don't be a "project girl" waiting for someone to come along and save you. Save yourself!


Edited by: BrugmansiaBrujo

[Wyldeflower]

You are a very wise person and I thank you for the advice. Trying not to be too much of a Drama Queen, but lately I have been kind of wallowing in despair. I suppose we have to take the time to out and out mourn our losses before we are able to move on.


How about you Brugman? It sounds like you are okay now, made it all into a learning experience and hopefully things have worked out really well for you?


Edited by: Wyldeflower

[Unsolved]

There's two ways to look at this. This comes from a fairly educated person. Either you control the drug or it controls you. That's all there is too it!!! If it's at the point where it's controlling him and it sounds like it might be. Then he needs help before something bad happens.

[unico_walker]

I don't want to add to your worries but are you sure the crack is the
real reason he stays away? I mean its one thing to go into a seedy
rathole to score but hanging around? I guess I'm saying how is your
relationship?

Something just seems off with the frequency, like he avoids soemthing til he can't anymore.