First time on EEEEEEEE

[whitespider]

Now before i say anything about my experience, i have to say
im not an advocate of any drug per say - Or at least was not until i did
E.Before i did E i had tried drinking, pot and speed, in that order. Now
obviously i can't give an absolute hypothesis on each drug since i had only
done each no more than 4 times each. But this is my limited experience:



Pot:



- Feel Relaxed and everything just fades and blends into this frame of
not caring. Everything feels good, but not great, and its not really worth remembering
what you do on pot.



Speed:



- A fun drug, ive only done it twice. But it's fun if you just want to impress
people and relate in real world terms (seemingly) better and faster. I seem to
play computer games better, and conversations are fun. Although kind of
endless.







And finally and most importantly



E.





It was my first time, my uncle (of all people) invited me to do an E with his
crowd (they are all over 30's - But seem younger). So i finally thought, why
not, why not give an important aspect of life a trial before i suddenly get hit
by a speeding motorist ON E himself. But i came in negative, i had never seen
anyone on the drug, i have never seen a movie or picture or anything to describe
what its like. And when i arrived at their place, i was shy. "Hi..."
i whispered from the far edge of the room, where i had pulled over a single
computer chair and was sort of avoiding eye contact with everyone. My uncle
introduced me to them, and they sat around each other engaging in conversation.
I did not really care that much about. I was in my own world of inhibitions and
self doubt, and i did not even feel like being there all that much. (i am not
the party type of person). They felt my distance and detected some kind of
barrier from me, (or at least that’s what i thought, because i think that about
everyone i meet everywhere).



I was nervous and somewhat ashamed that i had been convinced into taking an E,
not at anyone who convinced me, but at myself for shaming the fact that i had
determined never to do drugs in my life and live clean (im a 21 year old pure
vegetarian), so this was more than daring from my perspective. My uncle semi
explained this to them, but not even as much as the reality of living it.



So then i was kind of relying on this drug being something special, but not at
all in the way that it WAS special, i just expected some dizziness and perhaps
some kind of much needed confidence boost.



So after a reasonably long uncomfortable gap of time around these strangers, i
almost felt like coming up with a reason to leave. Not that any of them seemed
like bad people, quite the opposite. I just find it stressful to be around
people not inherently like myself. This was my mistake, for not understanding
that we are a human race, and every person has a side to them, that you WISHED
you had. That you dreamed of gaining yourself. So i waited.... in my silent
corner, i did not tell a joke in case someone did not understand my humor, and
i did not really feel like moving, in case someone noticed me. At long last,
cups where spread around and a capsule was emptied into a cup. And handed to
me, at this time i believe two or three of the 7 people (including me) had
taken theirs, one of the males there was drunk, and i was reasonably off put by
this, because it does not suit my (then) limited way of thinking. I drank up,
and sat on the couch, a long time passed. I was just sitting there, feeling out
of place, feeling quite alone, i knew my uncle quite well, but i did not feel
like relating to him in the normal way because that would show a fraction of
who i was to these strangers, and who are they to judge who i am on first
impressions? See, im sure your all thinking right now. What an incredible waste
of thought? Right? Exactly.



So i waited for the effects to kick in, the darkened room was interesting
enough, the ps2 was playing some loud songs which where really having no effect
on me. From my perspective, dancing to music was wrong, who would do that. I
thought. Limited in my cage of entangled self understanding with nothing else
to guide me on. I pulled a fake smile as my uncles, friends girlfriend sat
beside me and asked how i felt, i felt perfectly fine. But in no way different
from an hour ago when i had first taken the pill, i don’t normally converse
with girls all that much at any length, so i just wanted her to leave. Not in a
bad, i dont like you kind of way, it was more of a "I cannot stand what i
look like from someone else’s eyes" kinda feeling. This would be my mind
frame even if i looked like brad pitt, and i had lived my dysfunctional life.
It had nothing to do with what i looked like, just with the way my mind
functioned due to being alone, or living with people who are mentally unstable.
For so long. Anyway, back to the point.



The conversation was linear and nothing like what my mind sounds like, nothing
like the real me, but this could be said about every conversation i had had up
to this point in my life with anyone, ANYONE. (I was home schooled, so i had a
select group of friends, who where quite different to everyone else - i thought
this to be normal).



So i said whatever would be the best for me to be considered a normal person.
Then people started to act differently, they started to dance around, lay down,
and i believe i even saw someone massaging someone elses shoulder. This made me
very uncomfortable, and i thought the mood was sleazy. I hate sleazy moods, and
started to fear what i would become.(I am 6.5' So you can imagine this could be
quite scary). So i almost did not want to be effected. My uncle came up to me
with a big smile on his face and asked me something along the lines of
"are you having fun yet" ... what i question, how could this ever be
fun. What i had i done. Why was i here. This drug is not working. I want to go
home and do some more screenwriting for movies, if i leave would it be impolite?
--- These where my thoughts.



Someone pointed out my palms where sweating, now the music was blaring so loud
that my ears where hurting, i was feeling a little more comfortable then usual,
but i just assumed that something i ate beforehand agreed with me. I never
really liked techno music, or trance, or whatever its called, i neither
disliked or liked it. It just was.





But now I was starting to have a little bit of a faulted
conversation with the girl next to me, But I always have interesting things to
say, I just choose not to say them because it will seem odd to the millions of
human ants living out their lives with ‘normal’ ‘unaffected’ mentalities. And
even this conversation reached not a fraction of a percent of what I am capable
of. I checked to see if she has sweaty palms, and she did. It seemed to be
working on everyone. Except me. Damn. I had the symptoms of it working on me,
but it was not. Another hour passed. Everyone was now dancing around, having
fun from a place I could not entirely pinpoint. I stared in confusion, and felt
like a statue in a eruption of embarrassing colors that I did not need or want.
Another check from my uncle, “are you feeling it yet?” …. “no, not at all” I
honestly answered, I did not want them to think I was having that kind of fun
.It was then that I wondered if they where all faking it, if it was some joke
that they where playing on me.





My uncle was starting to get confused why it had not kicked
it, he was obviously having fun, but I could see he was concerned why I was
still mentally sober. I have an extremely strong mind, so he thought for a
split second it was possible that I was fighting it to the ground, which was
probably true. So they pulled me up, and started to punch at me.” What was
this” I thought. My hands where now quite sweaty, and the colors in the room
seemed pretty clear as well as certain pulsations in the music. But I felt
nothing significant. Then something happened, clicked, inside of me. And I
needed to sit down. The sensation was overwhelming, and then everything became
quite snappy. Everything seemed to become a notch more alive. When someone came
up to me and said something I would normally cower from, I ducked my head down
and asked them what they where saying to me. But this was still something that
would barely compare to speed. But I was happy with the results, so much in
fact that I sat down on the chair and decided to enjoy this new sensation.
“mmmm” I murmured to myself. “This is quite nice”


But I would not admit defeat; I was not going to give into
this drug. I was better than that.


Then, at some point I cannot place. It all suddenly made
sense, what everyone had been doing suddenly made sense. All my friends where
here waiting, they where here waiting for me to FIND them inside the shell of
this drug. I was an outsider to these people when they where feeling the
effects. Because I had not been there, in the place where you KNOW everyone is
your friend. Where you KNOW everyone just does whatever they feel like, because
they feel like doing it, not because they are sick and perverted, or they want
something sexual, or they care about what you care about. All that is suddenly
irrelevant, suddenly something that is entirely silly. Who cares about
anything, ANYTHING, when you feel like this.
</span>That is what I felt. That knowledge of happiness. I needed to express my
care and love for everyone on this drug, I wished there where more people, all
on the drug at the same time. So we all KNEW, simply KNEW. End of story. We
knew that the other person was part of the inside circle of new friends, we
knew that its all ok now, no matter what we do, everyone else will understand
and care about it. It felt like freedom. What E does, is it explains to you without
words or meanings, that everyone is now your friend, and all you have to do is
walk up to them, and you know they will come back with love and understanding.
I thought as the wave of joy passed through my body, “this is the way we where
meant to be baby, this is happiness, there is not explanation for what im
feeling. I’m just feeling, and that should be enough for anyone. And it was,
that was the thing about it. People could just feel, I was understanding, they
where understanding, we where all understanding. It all made sense that they
just needed to enjoy themselves, I love these people. I really like there way,
they are all cool people .Why did I not ever see this before, ah who cares, I just
have to enjoy these seconds of pleasure without thinking. I’m just going to sit
here and enjoy them. Aaaaaaaaaaaa. This feels good.





This is what is commonly referred to as a peak, I was
peaking my fucking head off. But how was I to know this was going to last for
hours?





After this point I really forget a lot, its hard to remember
the order things happened, and who said what to to. Some things I do remember
are.





-
</span></span>Someone asking me if im alright, me slowly turning my
head in their direction and saying “Im fucking great”


-
</span></span>


-
</span></span>I remember being convinced to go outside to the beach –
then loss


-
</span></span>


-
</span></span>I remember walking towards the beach across the road,
and thinking how everything I do is exiting. And then I spotted people walking
a few blocks away from us, and me proclaiming “Watch out!!! NORMAL PEOPLE” “watch
out” then loss.


-
</span></span>I remember now wanting to go to the beach, because I was
happy where I was.


-
</span></span>I remember thanking everyone for having the brilliant
idea of going to the beach and them all mumbling back to me “its ok mate, you
did not know, we understand”


-
</span></span>I remember walking along the beach and telling everyone
how cool I thought they where.


-
</span></span>Occasionally I said how I loved this drug, only to receive
a few more pleasure moans of </span>“Yeah, mate
we told you” </span>and the occasional “yeah,
this drug is the best”


-
</span></span>I remember looking at someone walking around in the
surf, and me being confused.


-
</span></span>I remember us joining in a big circle and holding hands….
Then blank.


-
</span></span>Then the entire beach section is blank.


-
</span></span>I remember we took a short trip back to my uncles
house, and me constantly babbling about how I love that we changed pace. And
how I never realized it before, but its great to change pace. We have to
remember this, I mean it, we have to remember this. I said.


-
</span></span>I remember, people just staring at me. And me getting a
little freaked out.





-
</span></span>I remembered trying to dance, when I had no idea how.
But it barely mattered.








And eventually, the cooldown. The music because the same
thing. Everyone was still cool, and I still liked them. But I was tired. And
had completely lost track of everything.





(more to come about the after effects in real life)






Edit: Oh thats right. And everyone was massaging everyone else. And i even massages other dudes and did not care.Weird.




Edited by: whitespider

Reputation Comments on this post:

	excelllllent report on his first experience with mdma. great detail and a great read.
	Good reading

[NooYrdrop]

Good read man!! I felt the exact same way my first experience. I'm very weary of people, I always think they are plotting against me or really don't like me. On E you realize they do like you. Months later off the drug I'm still skeptical of peoples intentions and feelings. Guess thats my stubborn way of thinking

[Ho0k3d0nChRoNiC]

Originally Posted by NooYrdrop

Good read man!! I felt the exact same way my first experience. I'm very weary of people, I always think they are plotting against me or really don't like me. On E you realize they do like you. Months later off the drug I'm still skeptical of peoples intentions and feelings. Guess thats my stubborn way of thinking

wow, i didnt know so many people felt like that..Im being serious too. I always think like that, i never thought many other people do to.

i really enjoyed reading this, since this was your first time.

SWIm had his chance to try E 2 days ago, but didnt because he got scared of what it felt like, what would happen, etc. He really wanted to try it, but just...iono. After reading this, he decided he was going to try it since it seems so fun.

[bowlingforcindy]

i think this lady is plotting to kill me. i say hi to her in a club, and im sure i can here her talk to her m8s behind my back, saying to them shes gonna kill me. sometimes i look across the room, and i think someone is gonna assasinate me. im so paranoid,

[SLICE]

Wow.. I actually enjoyed reading that!Kinda reminded me of the way I used to think.Good experience mate-thanks for sharing.

[orngthmpr]

yeah, good read.. I feel the same way that you do, especially your pre-rolling thoughts about being around people, Im a little anti-social myself. But the best feeling in the world is when that blanket is removed and you just wannago upto everyoneand have a normal conversation, which you were not able to do moments before.aaah... I wanna roll now

[dj_c]

I can totally relate to your'e post, I once drank alcohol and done cocaine with a friend of mine and about 5 other people in the room 4 of whom we didn't know really well and i couldn't really engage in any conversation with them and felt a bit paranoid and out of place. Went to the same place and the same people were there another night after me and the same friend had dropped a few sweeties - wow.. totally different night, love it!

[whitespider]

It's become a semi-permanent thing as well, ive noticed:



- More general confidence

- Better understanding of the need for friendship

- The need for touch, and how it differs from sex

- The crave for more 'E' with the same group so i can learn more

- An interest in drugs as a learning and gaining experiance





The funny thing about confidence is that, it really has very little
with how you look, people think it does. Not entirely true, if your
locked away for years on end. You develop paranoid thoughts, FACT.
Moreso than drugs have yet given me. FULL STOP.



It would take me years to come to some of the conclusions that i came
up with on that night, or more importantly, on the self-reflection of
that night. Now ive gone from less confident, to -just- confident.



That's a pretty fucking good step, considering it was getting worse and worse, before the E.



My second E experiance was not as good, mainly because there was some
fat-ish dude really really saying negative things, not super negative,
but enough to make me actually think about things other than
friendship, love, and harmony. He wanted to fight, he made comments
about how i looked when high. Kinda distracting, and that kind of talk
pulls you down when your high.



He was E'ed, but i think his tolerance was much, much, higher. Good
bloke, but perhaps not quite as lovin as the rest of the group.



Either that or my sera had just depleted the two weeks before on my first.





I have a question:





I took my first tablets about 6 months ago, then two weeks after i took
two more and had LESS fun. Now its been 5half months since i have done
E.



Will that time i have waited make it a better experiance than the
second closer time? - I have waited for ages so i can enjoy the
experiace like the first time. And i know nothing is as good as the
first, but ive not overused the drug, (ive taken 2 the first night, and
2 - two weeks after) (4 total). So whats the bet this time will be
better than the time after the best time?



Anyway, thanks.

[Apparatus]

The first time I used E, is still probably my favorite experience with it and I have done it many times since then.

[devil]

whitespider, </span>leaving time in between
definitely enhances the experience, though, a lot of it also is the
quality of the pill. For some heavy users, a couple of pills might not
even get them going at all. Glad you enjoyed.

[devil]

First few times are the best; it is as if your brain only has a certain
amount of whatever needed for a trip (serotinin? some things else we
don't understand yet?), and it just runs out.

[whitespider]

Originally Posted by devil

whitespider, </span>leaving time in between
definitely enhances the experience, though, a lot of it also is the
quality of the pill. For some heavy users, a couple of pills might not
even get them going at all. Glad you enjoyed.

We had pure mdma caps, it will be 6 months by the time i have my next.
And considering i never abused them, i assume i will get at least a
decent experiance closer to my first, rather than 2 weeks after, like
the second.



I think </font>serotonin regenerates over time, if so, this would just reinforce my hope.

[hedonaut]

Whitespider, sounds like an excellent first experience. I really wish his drug WAS legal for therapists and such to use at their discretion.


Seratonin generally builds back up no problem. I made a fairly intense study of this in college when I was studying human genetics and philosophy combined with neuroscience.


Ecstacy causes a flush of seratonin. Low seratonin levels = weak roll. If you are generally doing well in life and not especially depressed, E will make you roll even harder. The flush of seratonin (otherwise known as the "happy juice" in your brain) is what causes the euphoric effects as well as the 2-3 day comedown afterward (which doesn't affect everyone, or everyone everytime). It generally takes about a week to regenerate your seratonin back ot the previous levels, but this depends on the person and it can take 2-3 weeks.


Your seratonin levels WILL come back up. I suggest leaving at least 1 month between rolls. Less than this and you might not have a good of a time. any more than this won't make much of a difference past the first month. Also, it really won't hurt you to take a few pills at once. I don't know if you would need them, but some people have a certain "threshold" that must be reached to blast them off. SWIM, for instance, requires 2-3 pills to roll. What CAN cause a worse comedown is prolonging the roll by taking more pills every few hours. This won't damage you or your brain, but will more fully deplete your seratonin.


ALL studies about "holes in your brain" "brain lesions" etc. are pretty much bunk. They performed tests on monkeys and rats where they fed them roughly the equivelent of 20 times the normal human dose every day for months. At the end of those months they tried to see if there was any brain damage. AND, there was no damage that they could prove. Obviously seratonin levels were pretty damned low, but they were trying to see if the seratonin RECEPTORS had been damaged, and we currently have no way of actually detacting the receptors. There have been arguments from both sides of the scientific community as to whether this kind of ecstacy use (which is literally unheard of in humans) causes ANY damage to the seratonin receptors.


Also important to note is the fact that these receptors do, in fact, grow back...but not in the same configuration. Doctors have argued that differentely arrayed receptors count as "brain damage" I say Nature usually knows how to heal itself better than the fucking doctors do.


So, you sound like a responsible individual. Don't worry about taking E as long as it isn't more often than once a month, and if you DO do it more often, rest assured, it won't do you any damage you will ever notice.


The problem with e-tards is the ones that take 3-6 pills every weekend for months or years at a time. Even with THEM there probably isn't any "permanent brain damage" but they WILL be chronically depressed (The main symptom of low seratonin) and will come to rely on the drug to give them their kicks. This is damaging psychologically. Also, since their seratonin levels are chronically low, they will continue taking more and more pills to less and less effect, driving the viscious circle into the ground.


As with any drug, responsible use can lead to an AMAZING tool for self-discovery, enlightenment, and therapy. I've just given an outline of proper use, so enjoy and good luck !

[whitespider]

hedonaut - Thanks for the mature reply, yes i would rather not abuse anything at all. Why abuse a drug and take 10 of something when you essentially get the same effect with 2-3. Also i am doubtful about the wellbeing of people who take premade pills (superman, zebra - whatever) simply because you don't know what exactly is going to happen, and how to take precautions as a result of whatever it is.

If you disregard your life and live to die on drugs, then by all means. But self-conscious depression does not always mean you want to kill yourself, it does at first, but then you just get to the point where you need to fix yourself. And im all for that, although that's not the initial reason i took E. I would like to make a separate point (since i have kind of selfishly stolen the theme of this thread and turned it into me, me, me - wahaha).


People often do drugs because they are depressed, i don't actually think that's wise. I think people should take E when they have problems - yet are not entirely unhappy - That's where i was, i had a problematic view on the world and the social dynamic of life (and still do) but at least i went there with a playful mindset, not a self-boasting one, but i was not on the edge of suicide or anything, i had come way past that, i was more in the stages of self repair. This just helped move that along in some regards, and made things worse in others (like how i 'miss' that friendship i had formed - i dont think thats healthy).

But overall i dont feel the pure mdma we took was harmfull at all, i cant say for 100% certain it WAS pure MDMA - but it was white powder in capsual form that made me love everyone and get waves of joy - so i assume it's not MDA or anything else

I got no numb feelings, the comedown was sad, but not uncomfortable. I just really, really missed that feeling - and that knowlage that i would not feel it again for a while was in itself depressing.

Im interested in other drugs, but i think ill just stay to clean MDMA. Well perhaps not clean, but certainly not mind-threatining at this level.

Im yet to see things visually or anything like that, i have read that LSD is like impossible to find. So i wont bother, plus australia is very strict on drug laws. Probably not worth finding anything.

I just want to try everything - non - destructive - to - my - mind - before i die.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I think this 6 month break should make it decent.

Only a few weeks until next E.

Amazing read, made me a bit upset, because i remember my 1st E!



now i have to wait another 2 months, i want that 1st time feeling
again, but you can never capture the magic of the first ever ecstasy
pill!



god bless mdma!

[hedonaut]

I agree with you Whitespider.


I really think that most of the problems people have with drugs (MOST, not all) are due to taking them in order to be happy.


Drugs should NOT be an "escape" from life...even if they take you to a different world like acid and shrooms. Drugs should be treated as a sacred sacrement. They should be (ideally) used only when you are at your best and brightest. If you feel happy and content with life, so much so that you don't feel any NEED to take drugs, then you are one of the few people qualified to use them regularly.


The only other (in my oppinion) acceptable use for ALL drugs, is as a therapy...and onyl some drugs are appropriate for this. As with any therapy, it is important that the "patient" realize that the drugs are only a TOOL to get them into whatever state they need. The drugs are NOT necessary and it is POSSIBLE (although very difficult) to reproduce many drug-like states without taking anything at all.


I was first made aware of the truth of this ability (ironically) when on drugs. I had rolled several times before in my life and I decided to take shrooms (Which I had also done several times before). Now, admittedly, mushrooms have many effects and euphoria is one of them, but the euphoria is ALWAYS a different kind for me. I about 3 hours into the trip, I felt a bit nauseous (I always do from shrooms, but they're worth it) and sat for about five minutes calmly to prevent myself from vomiting. As the urge went away I began to tingle in ym extremities.


Within about 20 minutes I had nearly STOPPED shrooming and begun to roll. I couldn't POSSIBLY describe it as anything else. My teeth were chattering, my jaw clenching, my arms and feet tingled as they ONLY do when I am peaking on E. I FELT this love for everyone. Not the philosophical/spiritual love that mushrooms bring, but a close and intense ecstacy love. Touch felt amazing and every nerve I had was alive and singing. I still had some mushroom visuals, but I had stopped being confused by everything. I was articulate and understood the world in a distinctly E-like way. I rolled for about 2 hours before "coming down" into the normal afteraffects of the shrooms.


My only explantion is that I must have triggered a flush of seratonin in my own brain. I don't know HOW I did it, but I certainly hadn't had drugs that are supposed to produce that effect. If I knew how I would practice and train myself to produce this effect. The only other time it has ever happened was during a particularly intense sexual encounter with my girlfriend. I wasn't in fact on ANY drugs, but I managed to recreate another (although somewhat more minor) ecstacy affect. It, too, lasted longer than I thought would be possible.


I can't describe it in any other way, I don't GET chattering teeth unless I am peaking on E, not even in the cold. I don't have tingles in my hands and forarms unless they fall asleep...and this sure as HELL wasn't that.


Anyway, it IS possible. Drugs are tools, never forget that. The same axe that can be used to chop down trees and create lumber to build a house can be used to hack someone into pieces. It depends on the user and the attitude of use.

[whitespider]

Originally Posted by hedonaut

My only explantion is that I must have triggered a flush of seratonin in my own brain.

I don't presume to know much at all about chems or the effects, but
i have heard that MDMA can damage the cells that allow and precvent
Sera~ from entering and exiting the brain. If this where true perhaps
your brain is more open to release now. - That could almost be good if
it was a rare thing - or only happened with other drugs or sex.






Just watch out if it happens when your mom is giving you a neckrub. Then you know you have problems that need dealing with

[shneddi]

[QUOTE=hedonaut


The problem with e-tards is the ones that take 3-6 pills every weekend for months or years at a time. Even with THEM there probably isn't any "permanent brain damage" but they WILL be chronically depressed (The main symptom of low seratonin) and will come to rely on the drug to give them their kicks. This is damaging psychologically. Also, since their seratonin levels are chronically low, they will continue taking more and more pills to less and less effect, driving the viscious circle into the ground.


[/QUOTE]


lol, clearly im a living exception to this rule

[hedonaut]

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, and I'm sure that in a forum like this there will tend to be a few exceptions. BUT, I'll bet even you Shneddi, souldn't reccomend someone start taking large quantities of pills every weekend for the forseeable future.





Whitespider: It is believed that flushing seratonin on a regular basis (or when you don't have enough built up) CAN (although there is NO proof of this) damage some of the seratonin receptors. These receptors are those that cause your brain to recognize the NORMAL (and ecstatic) seratonin use. Basically less receptors = less effect from more seratonin. This generally leads to depression (or at the VERY least the "wearing off" of the effects of ecstacy. Those who have rolled regularly for several years bemoan their loss of the "original feeling")


In fact, the onyl way to get this back is to STOP the abuse and let your receptors regrow. They DO regrow, but we currently have no idea of the amount of time they take or whether the new receptors will work as effeciently (or MORE efficiently..."I" am a big believer in the bodies ability to take care of itself better than we can)





I doubt I've done some kind of strange reverse damage to my brain allowing me to "roll" on a whim, I think it more likely that in a strange brain-state I managed to naturally "let go" of the seratonin I had in my brain. A function that had previously been triggered by Ecstacy. If I could consciously learn how to control that, I would no longer have any use for E.





I'll keep hoping...

[whitespider]

Originally Posted by hedonaut

.....If I could consciously learn how to control that, I would no longer have any use for E.....





I'll keep hoping...

If you find out how, PM me.

[chico]

Anyone ever see that XTC special with Peter Jennings on ABC? It is a good episode as it somewhat dismantles the arguments trying to prove how XTC is killing people and is damaging people's brains.

[PenguinPhreak]

The special was very well done. If anyone is interested here is a link to a torrent where you can download it:

Ecstasy Rising

[whitespider]

i had my third capsule today (the same stuff i had the last 2 times)
and it was a dissapointment. I was acting like a bit of an idiot, and
instead of just having fun i tried to make friends - but most of the
group already had boyfriends, and the boyfriends where busy with thier
girlfriends. So ive made my mind up, the first time is the first time.
But you need someone in your situation there with you. Someone who is
at least distantly relateable. I am officially going to get myself a
girlfriend the next time i go, and if she is not interested. Then i
wont go. So be it, because in reality the only reason i went in the
first place was an overwhelming feeling of "the need for something
different" now ive experianced it - 3 times. And the after effects,
even of clean MDMA caps are draining and make me feel like shit, even
with taking bcomplex a month before hand. Are not profound anymore,
even 6 months down the track. Im not saying i dont feel anything, my
eyes where rolling to the back of my head. But im saying its not
entirely overwhelming anymore. And the aftereffects are as bad, if not
worse than before.



If every time was like the first time (impossible) then perhaps. Even
then i would really really want to become what E has allowed me to
imagine myself becoming. Perhaps not what i became on E, but certainly
what my memories of me being who that drug made me be. On the first
time mostly.



Will i ever do E again? - Probably. But im going to completely change
my life before i do another drug. Im going to become a real person with
a real life and real friends, and then see if E is as fantastic as it
convinced me it was.

[Apparatus]

The mdma experience has a lot to do with the environment you are
in. For swim, the best environment is in the club dancing with
other people you know who are also rolling.

[Emergence]

haha yeah man....lovely story... I feel ya. I would have to say that E
is m,y fav. besides the beautiful herb. There's no explanation for how
you feel... just perfect.