Experiences - How to beat a drugtest 101

[Lippmannk1]

This is a story related to SWIM by a newly born baby panda. This is a transcript of SWIM's conversation with the panda. This is for entertainment only and is not intended to instruct anyone how to do anything illegal in any way. DO NOT TAKE DRUGS! Drugs are bad! lol. .

How to beat a drugtest and test negative:

First off: SWIM would recommend drinking LOTS and LOTS of water. Drink water enough so that your urine is clear or a very pale yellow. This will help you with your drug test. Drink an EXTRA lot of water 2 hours before your test. This will heavily dilute whatever you DO still have in your system. Don't drink too much, as this can give you water poisoning. Yes, there is such a thing as water poisioning. You can die from it.

SWIM is open to more suggestions people have heard from their animals he can post here that will take opiates out of your system quicker. Let me know in a reply below and SWIM will add it here.

How to fail a test and get away with it scott free:

-If you have ever had a prescription for any kind of opiate in the past, have it on hand for the information on the bottle. (If you don't, this will be more risky than it already is). If they ask about the bottle and you don't have one, tell them you threw it away and had 2 or 3 remaining random pills in your desk set aside for emergencys. This entire method can be risky. If you play your cards right you might even score more goodies.

Step one: Rehearse some story of how you hurt your back. Make it believable. Rehearse it in the mirror. Example: You were lifting a huge object incorrectly or you were jumping on a trampoline and fell off. (The zoo's baby panda used the excuse that he was in the weightroom and did a LEG PRESS/SQUAT with too much weight incorrectly.)

Step two: While pinching yourself as hard as you can on your leg and rotating where you are pinching yourself, (this will get you into character), call some random instacare or similar facility and tell them you threw out your back.

Step three: While continuing to pinch yourself, ask the person on the other line for the nurse or doctor. Nurses and doctors are trained to pick up on subtle cues that you are actually in pain and this is why you are pinching yourself.

Step four: While still pinching yourself, tell the doctor/nurse your very fake and very well-rehearsed story. Ask the doctor/nurse what you should do about your situation. He/she will tell you to come in and see them. At this point, tell him you have some lortab on hand and ask if it would be ok to take it and tell him you will come in if you can. They will most likely say that it is ok to take it.

Step five: Write down the name and number of the instacare and the doctor/nurses name and number.

Step six: Call back two days later and tell them your back pain is better and you didn't need to see them afterall. Thank the doctor for his help and tell him the pain medicine you used got you through the worst of your pain. Offhandedly mention you have a drugtest soon. Play dumb and ask if the painmedicine you took will interfere. *Struggle* to remember the correct name for the medicine. . They will tell you what YOU knew all along: that it might cause trouble with your drugtest. Ask if it would be ok to have a note or have them call the testing facility to excuse using the medicine.

Now, before you take your test, bring the note or have them call. Bring along that old prescription bottle if you have it. Verbally ask for confirmation that this has been done. If any opiates show up they will exclude them from the results. Because you had the ok of the doctor, you should be excused from any positive results from any opiates.

My panda tells me that opiates should be used with caution and prudence. You can die. You can get injured doing something. You can get addicted. You can lose everything you hold dear.

Your golden. Enjoy your new job or whatever.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Just terrible advice...

[bovi]

Seems to me that after calling the DR. and being told to come in, that if you went in and faked a strained muscle they might just Rx you so lortab. Once they RX you go to your drug test free and clear, well at least with a 100% solid reason for failing?

[Lippmannk1]

Bovi.... that was the whole point of my cats article. Did you not read it?

[bovi]

I read it but I guess it didn't register. Just reread and I get the point

[hamsterdam]

someone posted this before.. dunno if it was you, but this is crappy advice.

As swim stated before.. struggling to remember the names of the drugs you're taking makes you look suspicious. You know what you had for dinner last night, you'll probably know the name of the medication you're taking.

[julian]

Originally Posted by hamsterdam

this is crappy advice.

Agreed. Swim has taken over 50 drug tests in the last 10 months and can say with certainty that this advice is riddled with holes.

1. True, drinking water will dilute your piss. However, if you piss clear then the sample will be discarded and you will have to piss again until you piss yellow.

2. Saying that you threw the prescription bottle away and have two or three pills set aside for emergencies is a terrible idea. You are basically saying that you do not have a prescription, but are in possession of prescription drugs.

3. Providing an old prescription bottle is useless, they are only interested in medications you are currently taking.

4. Manipulating a doctor by claiming to have thrown out your back may or may not work. Swim has thrown out his back twice and never been given prescription opiates. Swim's doctor says that narcotic pain relievers usually do more harm than good if you have thrown your back out. This is because they numb the pain then you feel like your back is better and you become active again. As a result of being active you do more harm to your back when you should have been immobilized in the first place. Instead of prescription opiates swim's doctor gives him a script for muscle relaxers and says to take ibuprofen. Bottom line: If you are going to go as far to manipulate a doctor in order to pass a drug test, do not use the "I threw my back out" story. Chances are you'll just get muscle relaxers. Also, if you go to a doctor and say this he will know that it is not that bad if you were able to get up and go to the doctor's office. If you actually threw your back out you would be bedridden and unable to go to see the doctor.

[hamsterdam]

The smarter thing to do is get the rx before you start abusing it. If you're gonna abuse hydrocodone, go get a script for hydrocodone. Then you're free and clear for a whole year (up until the 'use before' date on the bottle).

Swim has 3 bottles of hydrocodone, 2 of them written as PRN (funny.. one of them doesn't say 'for pain' though, since the doctor thinks swim's taking it to abuse / avoid withdrawals). So that gives him plenty of flexibility for any potential drug tests. He only uses 4 at a time.. and the instructions allow him to take up to 6 a day...

[julian]

Originally Posted by hamsterdam

The smarter thing to do is get the rx before you start abusing it. If you're gonna abuse hydrocodone, go get a script for hydrocodone. Then you're free and clear for a whole year (up until the 'use before' date on the bottle).

Not entirely true. If the scrip is for 30 pills and says take 1x daily, then the scrip is good for 30 days. It does not matter if the expiration date is not for another year.

[hamsterdam]

Originally Posted by julian

Not entirely true. If the scrip is for 30 pills and says take 1x daily, then the scrip is good for 30 days. It does not matter if the expiration date is not for another year.

This isn't some antibiotic.

It's generally written as "as needed".

So you didn't have pain for the past 6 months, you just happened to hurt yourself 2 days before the drug test.

Yes, if you have it written as "Take 1 daily until finished" or something, then it'll only be good for 30 days, but the majority of hydrocodone scripts are PRN.

[euphoriphile]

It is much easier to use artificial urine to pass a drug test. I know this guy who would always rely on internal dilution to pass drug tests. Worked twice for him and the third time the lab did a confirmation test with a 15ng/dl cutoff for cannabis metabolites. (SWIY could be over 20ng/dl from sidestream smoke inhalation) That guy lost a high paying job because of his brazen stupidity.

Next time he took no chances, he ordered a product from a well known auction site (because vendor sites wouldn't ship fake pee to his particular state). After extensive research the guy determined it doesn't matter what brand of artificial urine SWIY buys, it is all from the same company that manufactures it for labs to calibrate their urinalysis machines and repackaged in 2oz bottles for retail (of course at 10x the price). Labs use artificial urine because it is shelf stable and not bio-hazardous.

The fake urine worked like a charm for the guy and he has a new job. He keeps a bottle of the fake urine in his glove box in case of randoms (it doesn't go bad like the real stuff). He told me the whole process was incredibly easy to pull off and he will definitely use it in the future, instead of practically drowning himself like he used to.

Fake urine is EASY and it WORKS.