Hiding the addiction -- living the lie

[debbydoesdamage]

SWIM has been visiting this site regularly for the past year or so, and is getting her feet wet as far as becoming more involved. SWIM thinks very highly of the forum and desires to participate in the way the forum is intended for her to do so. She used the search engine to try and find the existance thread of the same nature, but was unable to do so. Her apologies if she missed it, she's a newbie, but she learns quickly.

That being said, SWIM has been on this evening curious about how other SWIMMERS manage their own addictions with the outside world. SWIM imagines that the experiences of others here varies from SWIMMERS who are completely 'out of the closet' to those that have absolutely no one who REALLY KNOWS them. SWIM is interested in how others feel about their level of secrecy, how they manage to keep their secrets (especially when dopesick), etc.


For SWIM this issue causes her much pain. SWIM is an opiate addict, who plays with many other drugs when they happen to be easily available or affordable at the moment. SWIM doesn't 'need' or seek out any drugs except opiates, but maintaining a supply and avoiding WD has become a central focus of SWIMs daily life in one way or another over the past decade. SWIM is married and her husband is equally addicted. He has been SWIM's partner during her phases of heavy use of different drugs throughout the years.

SWIM has two friends that know that SWIM is an addict, but SWIM is sure they would be shocked if they knew how much SWIM actually uses. Or how sick SWIM gets when she cannot use. SWIM's husband has several friends that know, but they are not really friends, they are dealers and fellow addicts who are friend-ly. SWIM is well educated and manages to perform quite well professionally, but for obvious reasons, SWIM keeps her 'secret self' locked away during business hours (SWIM is able to remain functional for work as long as she has enough to keep her WELL. As for SWIM's family, they knows SWIM had problems with drinking and opiates in the past, but thinks SWIM has them licked. SWIM did stop drinking a year ago, and is so happy to be sober even if she's not clean.


All of this makes SWIM incredibly lonely inside. Her lonliness feels like a shadow that is always there, wherever she goes. SWIM feels no genuine connection with anyone, except the few people that are aware of her addiction. She has other 'friends' that she will socialize with occasionally or have a chat on the phone to, but that shadow is always there and SWIM feels that she is the only one that can see it. SWIM believes the reason she finds herself drawn to the forum is that the other SWIMMERS see her shadow too and it doesn't make them PITY her or JUDGE her or FEAR her. That is a warm and wonderful feeling. SWIM wonders; if she ever decides to get clean and commit to it (she has tried in the past and failed), would she grow to feel connected with the people she interacts with that live outside of her bubble? Will the shadow go away or will it just change form?


SWIM read a post today where a SWIMMER mentioned he hides his IV use from his spouse, SWIM has been secretive with spouse a few times through the years about amount of use or the use of a new drug, but always ends up confessing. SWIM is fortunate that spouse is supportive, but is aware they enable one another and are extremely codependant as a couple. Nonetheless, without that level of trust they have, and having a person that loves SWIM for all her flaws, SWIM would be utterly lost. SWIM appreciates any experiences others would like to share on this topic..... Thanks for reading.