What it took to get into rehab..

[Surealism313]

DISCLAIMER:

This is a story about a guy that had a problem with opiates and how it progressed. This guy is not me (and hes not about to rewrite it because its huge)



Jan 2004 - im 20 years old

I bought my first large amount of painkillers. I remember this as the start of my opiate addiction because it was my 3th year annaversary and My girlfriend and I went on a road trip to chicago. I know this was the first time i started using regularly because i would get flush and itchy as hell. Euphoria was good enough that this was the price to pay. I think i had 10 750's which lasted my the entire weekend. My girlfriend was confused because my sexual preformance was great but in the end i was 'unproductive' she assumed this was a problem with her, though she never said it. i just could see in her eyes that it bothered her. Sadly I hid my secret from her and this was a scene that would play out many times.

So on it went. I remember around the May of 2007 I would get sick if i didnt eat atleast 20mg of hydro a day. It went from a pill getting me buzzed for a day and making the work day breeze by to popping them every hour.. to eventually popping two, three, four at a time to acheieve euphoria.

I've always been a user since 15 but i was never physically addicted to anything before. During this period i used pot, xanax, valium, and coke occasionally.

Later near the end of the summer - one day i was sick and i had to score. I called my only reliable connection and he said he couldnt help me, i begged and pleaded saying id pay double if he could just get me anything. Well that day i went for a 2.5 hour trip with him to dearborn to buy off various people. I watched him eat 10 750's at once and wash it down with some OJ - claiming it broke up the pills faster and gave him a buzz. I told him this was crasy - that much Acedamdaphine will kill your liver. His responce was its what it takes to get me high, doctors dont know shit .etc. Well Looked at this and told myself wow - id never eat that many at once.

This whole time my girlfriend was calling me and i was ignoring her calls, without any explination for my actions. I got home, up to my room to recount my stash. right then the door opens and she sees me with a handful of pills. A look of shock overtakes her face. 'So this is why you weren't answering your phone?' and i had lied about my wereabouts. The confession rolled out with tears between us. Im addicted to pain pills. I just went out to score. I didn't want you to know about my problem, i thought i could kick it but i was to sick today.

She was supportive but warned me that such dishonesty would not be tolerated. I was very happy and really wanted to clean up my act. From that point forward, for the next year i struggled with the addiction. Getting down to a point where i only had to take 1/2 of a 750 to avoid sickness. I had to take business trips and i didnt have a valid script bottle so i was scared to transport pills. It seemed for the next year i was planning my detox around these trips - then once i arrived i would call up a connection and pick up. Later that reliable connection i mention ripped me off 120 bucks, i hear hes in jail so justice served.

Im not sure how long i was able to stay clean on from opiates at any given time. I was using other drugs so it was a blur - substitution.

The summer of 2008 i was introducted into a heroin user - T. First one i've ever met. He sold pills to support his habit. He was very good at hooking me up and it didnt take long for me to spiral down into some serious pain pill usage. buying 15-25 and having them gone in a day or the next morning.

Again my girlfriend found out and was royally pissed. I tried to detox but after two weeks i would always go back. I wanted so badly to be free of it but it wouldnt leave my mind and i think it seriously affected my brain chemisty. (more on that later) Needless to say the pill usage continued. I could never stock up enough to go on weekend trips and it was taking a serious financial tole on me, Although i could not work without them.

I did dump my motorcycle that summer. After taking some V's that morning - the doctor at the hospital gives me 20mg of hydro and i laugh. That also kicked off more pill abuse. After visiting my real doctor and showing her my black and blue leg she offered me anything you could want - OC's, time release morphine, fental patches, perks .etc I was a little taken back so i said ill take the perks because i've taken those before. i should have taken the hard stuff, but i didn't


so my pill abuse continued for some time, till one day the real shit hit the fan.

somewhere at the beginning of 08/2008 i hanging with a old using buddy M. We didnt have much money that night (i always sport) but we wanted to get high. I looked at him and said, how about we try some H, its a hell of a lot cheaper than hydros or oxys - plus i gotta take like 10 of them for shit to happen. He was also a virgin to the experience so we called T. Went over his house and scored 1/10 of a G. Split it and sniffed it. I didn't experience the immense euphoria everyone speaks up - we did to little. but my mood was elevated and we both stayed up all night having good conversation and working on my jeep.

From that point forward im not really sure how fast i spiralled out of control. But i know on 08/08/2008, like a week after i tried it for the first time, i went to the junkyard and while getting parts for my other car. sniffed 3/10 a G to myself. I nodded out under a car. Was woken up by an employee, collected my shit and nodded out at the side of the building. Finally they where a little fed up and kind of escorted me to the checkout counter. I bought my shit and got in my truck. Nodded out again. Everyone is leaving for work to find me still there. 'Look buddy you cant sleep here, get lost' So i do, i drive around the corner to another parking lot and nod off again. A hour or so later im awaken by a parametic yelling at me from his truck. What is wrong with you? he says, Im was to tired to drive and took a nap, i responded. Are you sure your not high on heroin? he says. I paused in shock... What the fuck i responded, NO, as i started my truck to drive off (us addicteds have an automatic response to are you high questions huh). So this is where things get interesting. The drive from this particular yard is about 30 minutes to my house, i made it, but 2 miles from my house im driving down a two way 45mph road and i nod off - my jeep vears into oncoming traffic and i have a head on collision with a Semitruck. My jeep is totalled. the front axle isn't even under the front of the truck. None of the doors open. I hop out (topless) and bystandards are amazed to see me unharmed. I have no idea why i walked away from that. The police and the wreckers arived. The truck driver never made and insurance claim because it didnt do much accept bend his huge bumper and dinged up his fuel tank (it was a one of those construction dumptrucks) The police however gave me some drilling. 'I think your high on vicodine' they claim 'We are going to take you to the hospital to figure out what your really on' - well i thought i was screwed at that point. So finally they look up my record (pot charger from childhood) and ask me if i can pass a drug test. I tell them i quit smoking weed by advise of my brother about 3 weeks and im not sure if im clean yet but i was willing to take the test. For some reason they figured this would negate the an opiate positive and i would be guilty for marijuana anyway so they didnt test me, they gave me a 2 point ticket for 'crossing a double line' - wow i just dodged a nuclear missle.

And ofcourse my girlfriend comes to the rescure to pick me up, even though i was 3 hours late to be home. Im greasy from the junkyard, brused up, loaded, and all i start cryin about was how we needed to hit up urgent care and score some vicodine because im in so much pain. Well they wont deal with me because i look strung out and i had no police report. so that was in vain, but it goes to show how out of my mind i was.

Again, back at my normal doctor I complain of back pain from the seatbelt force during the wreck. She awards my stupidity with 90 vicodine a month and ibprohen which i just threw out. The Vs where not my jam anymore - they didnt do shit. I remember my first bottle of 90 was gone in one weekend, and i only sold like 20. After that i relised I had to do two things. Sell the vics, and loose the H addiction.

Unfortunantly the H addiction had gotten a little more out of control than just sniffing it. My friend M and I had injected it for the first time together - we where so scared of needles we had to have another friend E do it for us. Shortly after that i got over my fear and was shooting M and myself. For about a month my use got out of control. every day it was a routine, score, use and try to hide my tracks.

Well, It was all bad and it had to end. So cold turkey i went, M kept shooting - The girl thought it was going though pill withdrawl but really it was a mixture. W/D was pretty intense, took a few weeks, and i got though it. Infact i quit everything at this point. Drugs had just trashed my jeep and was hurting my relationship. She was so supportive but i knew my actions were hurting her.

So Heres the kicker. I was sitting on the porch about 2-3 weeks clean and decided, im going to score just once. So off to T's we went to the D, scored, and came back to his house - this hole time i was supposed to be back at the girls house an hour ago. I shoot 2/10g which was about normal for me. Strangly enough it didnt make me very high. I waited around his house for about an hour and decided it was time to take my classic car to the girls house (usually dont drive this car but the jeep was gone)

So im driving down her block and i wake up to a horrable crashing sound - fuck my car wont move. FUCK I JUST CREAMED A PARKED CAR. threw it up on the neighboors lawn. I had nodded out and drifted into the car. The impact broke my tierod and i could not flee. The family came out drunk and started yelling at me. The cops showed up and tried to separate us. - YET AGAIN my girlfriend shows up to save my ass in a matter of minutes. The cops really thought it was on something this time. Even worse i had a rig in my pocket!

well thanks to some acts of god, maybe the pissed off family that was yelling at me, but they didnt give me a breathalizer, or anything. even though i offered. They did think i was on vicodine and wanted to take me to the hospital - again. But for some reason, we where allowed to leave, so we got in my girlfriends car and we took off without that happening. I got a ticket in the mail the next day - careless driving; hit parked car.
I went to court and got it dropped to a lesser charge, another blessing

Shit i said to myself that night. This is god slapping me on the head. My favorate car just got creamed. Even worse my girlfriend knew i was on something hardcore, and cept asking me what - i lied continually, even went as far as telling her i was on xanax and then later telling her i wasnt and i said it just because she just wanted to hear me admit something. I felt horrable - lying and manipulating.

So, the next day i bought another jeep and had to ride my dirtbike to school until it was in running order. Once it was i went and got my car out of impound with a car dolly, threw it in my moms garage were it sits today.


From that point forward i cant really remember how i spiralled back into shooting. It happened abruptly - I used for another 2 months. Shooting daily, then on hour intervals. then two packs at a time .etc

On november first i was really fixing to quit. I had purchased some suboxone and my last 3 packs. which i planned on shooting that night. I got home and went in the bathroom to do my thing. Running the shower as cover. Normal routine - spoon, two packs, heat, cotton, draw it back, but i was having a hard time hitting a vein.. it was taking to long.. then theres a knock on the door. Its my girlfriend, she wants to use the sink while im in the shower. Instead of being smart and telling her to wait a fucking minute i threw my loaded rig and spoon in my jean pocket, started undressing, 'cried hold on i got shampoo in my hair'. Opened the door and hopped in the shower in fear that she would see my tracks. So a few seconds pass and she says .... What is that? I poke my heard around the shower curtain to see her pointing at a lottery ticket in the toilet that i forgot to flush... fuck i though im boned. i might as well come out and let her know, i dont like hiding this anyway, it was eating me inside, but telling her is something i do regret sometimes. 'Its a dope wrapper i said' What kind of dope she says 'Heroin' i respond with a lump in my throut. A look of complete horror and tears mask her face..'what the fuck is wrong with you!' she screams and storms out. Shit i think as i throw my shirt and pants on. she comes in again and we have a conversation that went something like how long have you done it - 20,30,40 times? more horror. Your getting it from T aren't you - yes, but i had my own connections. A few more questions are answered and she storms out of the house.

At this point i dont know what to do - i didnt expect that type of reaction. She did come back but the conversation was not pleasent. I promised to kick it. Unloaded the rig onto the floor infront of her and started detox. She said all trust in me was gone and she doesnt know if she can get over this. I understood. She still stood by me Though november i detoxed, slipped a few times, but stayed with it.

On thanks giving day i was sick but i ate 10 vicodine to get straight for a few hours to have dinner with teh family. My family and hers together - strange id never see what was coming that night. She was acceptionally quiet on the way home. As we get inside she informs me that we need to talk. I figure well ok about what? she informs me the day after she found out i was using H she went out and made out with another guy i know in an act of revenge and wanted to end our relationship. I was pretty shocked at first but then started to relize that this was all my fault. At that point in time i relized i was going to use like ive never used before once shes gone.

She promised to stay with me until i was done with widthdrawls. Which was a few days. Once i was better i tried to see if we could continue but she said she couldnt stand to look at me at the moment - maybe in a month or two we can date, but now its not possible for her. A few days later i got enraged at her for her actions and moved all her stuff out of the house when she was at school. 'You gotta go' i said. I had my plans

As soon as she left, I jumped in the car and set the course for the spot. 30 minutes later i was driving back. loaded and feeling absolutely nothing - peaceful, happy. fuck that bitch i thought, she cheated on me a year into our relationship and seh hasn't changed. this is for the better - as i Sang to the radio, she was gone and i dont care one bit - this is exactly what i need.

Well to keep those emotions suppressed i got out of control with H, and anything else i could find. speedballing, mixing drugs .etc.. the h habit started at 60 bucks a day, went to 100. Keep in mind during my use i had wasted about $10,000 on H - majority of my savings. I started shooting more and more at once. Becoming more and more depressed about what i was doing and what it had cost me.

I hadden't spoken to my Ex since that day. It was about 4 weeks later. My heroin habit was out of control. Many of my friends called her and asked what i was on - she kept it confidential. It was my birthday i thought for sure she would call me just to wish me a happy birthday.. but she didnt.. the next morning i decided i had enough of life and i wanted to die,and i knew just the way to do it. I was binging on cocaine, xanax, and anything else at the time. I unloaded all my packs into a spoon it was about 3/4 of a G, about 6 times more than id ever shot. Last thing i remember was pulling the needle from my arm and thinking goodnight and goodbye.

To my dismay, I wake up on the floor of my garage hours later, head and neck pounding from the fall - with my brother standing over me holding a needle saying 'what the fuck is this' its not mine i said as an automatic response, really lieing was futile. I didnt care anyways i was going to do it again until it worked. maybe 1.5 grams next time.

The next morning my brother hawked over me. I didn't have any dope and was sick. I was doing some invoices for 3 months of work that i had just neglected. I hear a knock on the door. My brother says come downstairs we need to talk. Great im thinking - intervention. I walk downstairs there is my Ex sitting on the couch. what the fuck is she doing here i thought. So the painful conversation insued. My brother had found an inpatent treatment center and wanted me to go and was going to pay for it and cover my workload while i was gone. At first i refused, i can do this myself - ive only been doing it for a few days - a lie. Ex says you need to go, you have a lot to learn about recovery, its possible to kick this. I was enraged. Fuck you i said, you just fucking abandoned me. She starts crying and rationalizes her distance. When you dont want to talk to someone you don't, i didnt think you wanted to hear from me she said. Well that was far from true. i loved her to death and i wanted to be with her. I told them i dont really care, i just want to die right now and thats what i plan on doing. My brother got quite upset at this point because 4 of friends younger brothers had died in motorcycle accidents, OD's .etc. Just go, give it a chance they said and to their suprise - I agreed. The day after next i would be going an hour north to what i considered prison.

Later that day i made some excuse to leave and went to score. I bought 1/2g enough to fix me up before i went into rehab. After my brothers words i knew i couldnt do myself in - it wasn't fair to anyone and i had done them enough pain.

So that day i learned my friend M was started coughing up blood and ended up in the ICU - helecoper ride and all. Was deathly ill, fluid in the lungs, they thought he had HIV, which scared the shit out of me because i had shot him up and was afraid i had contracted it - even though i never shared needles with anyone. After hearing that news. I shot up in the hospital parking lot and cried. why did i even try this shit i though. in a short period of time H had cost me so much. my work was suffering, my finances where suffering, i failed the semester of college, my addiction was out of hand, id introducted my friend to it and now hes about to die, i've destroyed 8 year relationship and im suicidal, not to mention it was hard on my brother.

later that night i did my last shot 12/15/08. It didnt even get me high and i wished i would have saved it for the following moring because i was sick all the way to rehab. Once there they wanted to put me on a t-3 taper - i laughed. Your gonna give me subutex i said. The head nurse said she would talk to the doctor and i got my way. They didnt want to give it to me because i had failed every catagory on their drug test due to my bindge. I thought it was funny at the time.

I must say though the subutex they gave me made it the easiest withdrawl i have ever gone though. It was a week of hell but nothing like cold turkey. The second week i started feeling good and then on christmas i started having PAWS (post accute withdrawls) not as bad but definently annoying. I couldn't get warm.

Strangly during rehab my ex and my brother both came to visit quite often. I started speaking with my ex every day. she said she was impressed that i was happy sober and this was what she was hoping for. On 12/21 i found out she was dating that guy i knew and sleeping with him. It tore me up inside, i remained faithful to her in hopes we would get back together. but lifes not always how you want it to go..

I sat in my room in rehab, wrote a suicide letter. took my belt and tied a knot in the end, jammed it in the closet door. I was ready to go. i couldn't stop crying. as i stood on the chair with the belt around my neck i wondered how this would effect my family, was this type of revenge fair to my ex - she was being supportive even though i had done her wrong. I thought of my little sister and my older sister and how they would have reacted, knowing nothing of my addiction or my wareabouts. Finally i thought of my mother - i gave her hell when i was a kid, it wasnt fair to do this to her now. as the same time i was filled with depression and range. instead of hanging myself i should leave and go shoot that fucking kid dead.. then i thought well he didnt really do anything wrong accept being an ass to me in highschool, and im over that. I would have OD'ed instead of hanging myself if i could but the rehab center was to far away from my connection and i had no car. I cried some more and said fuck it, this world is a lost cause. I rocked the chair and found myself hanging against the door, adams apple being crushed. (very unpleasent) i started to blank out.. then i thought if i go with way people will think im weak. My ex will definently cling to her new bf and he will think im an idiot. Fuck this, I can get though this - shes just a girl. and thankfully i could reach the closet doorhandle and with a turn i fell to the floor.

The next day we had a group meeting (like an na meeting) and i spoke about my feelings, and suddently it didnt bother me anymore. I wouldnt start crying when i thought of them together. It was good. if she was happy then im happy for her. I've done so many wrongs to her i thought she deserved someone better (although i dont think the one she picked is a winner)

So the 14 days of rehab cost my brother 6,500 bucks - what a brother. when i got back i was afraid i was going to pick up so i jumped a plane with my ex to go to miami for a week. I was hoping that maybe we could reconcial because she was now single again. Unfortunantly she said 'I have nothing more to give to you' and that was when i relised - it was over.
we are still good friends but i fear we will grow apart in time.

so a week in miami, no dope. i was still going though PAWS for the first few days. I was staying with my sister who thought i had an alcohol problem. One day she came home drunk and started drinking wine. I wanted a glass. She said what are you doing. I said Sis - this isnt my problem, ive been mainlining heroin. She grabbed my arm and dragged me into the bathroom. She started crying, so did i. Why did you start using that? I dont know i said - it just progressed. The breakup with ashley got me out of control.. What are you planning on doing when you get home where your connections are she said. Fly to california for work (3 week trip) i said. But then what she said - heroin is so hard to kick. I know i said, thats why im here. She said i needed to come back after cali to get more clean time. so i plan to.

I also met a number of wonderful people in the recovery center. Many i hope to become good friends with. The whole time i was in recovery my friend M was in a coma. He had 2 days more clean than me. Thankfully he made it and has been clean

this has been no cakewalk though. every day i obsess about using. When i was in miami i looked for a connection. When i was in cali i was looking for a connection. It seems im hellbent on relapse even though ill have almost 2 months clean when i get home.

And when im home i have a number of other obsticals to deal. pain of loosing an 8 year relationship, loosing trust, never being able to look or be looked at by family members the same, always being suspect, having everyone look into my eyes and think - is he using?, how about never being able to leave the house without a cover story/a story period, always feeling like i should be at an NA meeting - feeling like its punishment for stupidity, worried that ill connect with someone at a meeting and use, ignoring old friends and dealer calls, having a wave of fear come over me as i drive though detroit and past the expressway exit for the dope spot, thinking im permentently fucked up in the head, watching my faith in recovery deminish, watching others relapse, being so afraid of relapse myself that if i did i dont know what i would do, failing out of this semester of school - shit ill be lucy if they still take my money, loss of respect at work - they all think im highballed...

My advise to anyone reading this - dont ever try heroin, heroin makes you want more heroin and once you've experienced it, nothing compares. You permently damage yourself. ive been suffering from mood swings, cravings, depression. and a number of other symptoms. You will forget other drugs and heroin will become your life and your wife.

12 step programs help but they are not foolproof, you really gotta work it, but if your like me you are willing to try anything to kick it.

this is a matter of life, or death

Reputation Comments on this post:

Well written and useful account