How to help my sister?

[Milese]

Recently discovered that my sister has fallen off the wagon after appearing to kick the habbit a few years ago.

Is this the correct place to tell the story and ask for help, because I sure as hell dont know what to do?

For the record, SWIM used to smoke a lot of weed, took a few e's and magic mushrooms, so have no idea what heroin or similar are like.

[Junket]

Originally Posted by Milese

Recently discovered that my sister has fallen off the wagon after appearing to kick the habbit a few years ago.

Is this the correct place to tell the story and ask for help, because I sure as hell dont know what to do?

For the record, SWIM used to smoke a lot of weed, took a few e's and magic mushrooms, so have no idea what heroin or similar are like.

This is definitely the right place to tell the story and ask for help.

You can browse all the other threads and see just how many people this forum has helped through experience and valuable information.

Let us know whats up

[Milese]

Cheers.

We found out my big sister was addicted to heroin about 5 years ago. At this time my nephew, who was 4 at the time was taken into foster care before my mum was given custody which she still has.

Things got pretty bad, stealing from work / family / shops / houses, arrests, failed her degree, suspected (ok I know but dont like to) prostitution, bankrupcy, being evicted.

She denied it for ages but eventually hit rock bottom and asked for help. She went onto methadone before going into state run rehab, which seemed to work.

There has been family support throughout, she's never been abandoned and was bailed out financially a few times. There was a common goal of making sure my mum got custody of my nephew rather than his father, which helped.

Since being clean she's always left early whenever we go out or she comes early, saying she's made plans to go to her friends or something. Some times her eyes would roll back and she'd be a bit weird for a moment, but otherwise her behaviour has seemed quite normal, and she's seeming been doing well in all other parts of her life.

Now, probably about 3 years later my nephew has been staying with her quite a lot, with a real possibility of her having custody back within the next few years. She started back at college, was seemingly doing well and is now quite near to finishing.

About 6 months ago a guy started hanging around at her place, he always hid himself and would never let anyone meet him. We were told he's just a friend and shy. Seemed very odd, but I guess you believe what you want to.

This week its been clear someone's been using heroin in her house; she's claimed its him and not her, and that its not a problem for her or the safety of my nephew. Its quite clear that she is using as well, but claims to be ill.

She's been told that she's only seeing her son if she goes to my mums, which she thinks is unfair, and that he's at no risk with her. She will do everything she can to talk about other things than herself. She's also categorically claimed that she's not taken anything and thinks we're being unreasonable.

Is it possible that she's had a 'light habit' for ages, which has only recently got more serious?

What the feck should we do? I really dont have a clue.

Seems like this is a real make or break point.

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanks for sharing. I am sure you will get response.

[rokman nash]

Tough situation,until your sis will admit to her problems,only thing to do is protect the child.From personal(my freind Dave's) experience your sis won't stop until she is ready.That comes at different times for everyone.Just hope she makes it to seeing the light.


If its clear someone is using heroin in the house the child is certainly in danger.Do what has to be done to protect the child.

good thoughts

[wonky]

It's definitely possible she has had a 'light habit', or that she has done well at concealing it from her family up until now. She has been to rehab, so she knows what the deal is. As already stated, she won't stop until she is ready, or unless she wants to. Taking care of the child is most important. Good luck to you and your sister. SWIM hopes she turns around.

[Junket]

Originally Posted by wonky

As already stated, she won't stop until she is ready, or unless she wants to.

but that is not to say that it isn't possible to make her want to. showing them, directly, the impact their use has on their friends and family can shift somebody into the right gear..

as for the op, its definitely possible she has been maintaining a "responsible", light habit this whole time. Its more likely that she used a couple times sense the original recovery, and just now a days has truly gotten back into it. Their shouldn't be any beating around the bush when it is someone you love and care about. Talk to her. Find out who the shady dude is.. and resolve it before she, or your nephew gets hurt one way or another

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Great for counteracting the negative by giving some hope.
	Good advice on how to handle the shady dude

[Milese]

Thanks for the help.

So, whilst she is completely denying taking anything, should we tell her that its obvious she is and say that we dont believe her? I know she'll completely deny it and accuse us of ganging up on her.

As for the shady guy, she claims he's just a friend, who originally started to come round because my nephew likes to play on the playstation with him. He apparently used to date her friend which is how she met him. She doesn't deny that he is a user but wont accept that its any problem for her or my nephew.

I'm concious that if we approach her too firmly she'll fall out with us, which could leave the door open for a downward slide. But also pussyfooting around her might not help encourage her to fight it. Any ideas?

[rokman nash]

The bottom line is that SOMEONE is using heroin around her child which is unacceptable. Whether she accepts responsibility for her actions (putting her child in harms way),doesn't matter.The child needs to be removed from that environment,and whatever choice your sister makes she makes on her own.

rokman nash added 2 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...

A quick note ALL junkies are liars. PERIOD you can't believe a word they say.

[Dickon]

Dave (Roc) has summed it up well above ^^^.

Junkies are liars and can't be trusted. My cat has told an awful lot of lies. It's not because he was a bad cat, he simply had a habit. Also it is not right for your nephew to be around someone using heroin. The fact that your sister might deny this is irrelevant. She might deny that the earth is round. It has little bearing on the truth or otherwise of the matter!

Sad to say, the situation is tricky. Trying to help out someone who doesn't want help will present an almost intractable problem. I think you should go zero tolerance on the man. If he's using heroin openly, he shouldn't be around the child, and your sisters going to be far less likely to stop using if he's always visiting.

One place to go to get some advise would be Families Anonymous. It is an offshoot of Narcotics Anonymous, and runs meetings where you would be able to get support from other people in similar situations. They are very strong on "tough love" if what I've read is to be believed, and I don't know where you stand on that.

It is important to realise that you are limited in what you can do. It is important to maintain your personal boundaries and not get sucked in to your sisters probably illusory world. You do not need to be directly confrontational, but do not stand for any nonsense. Maybe say you are there to help if she wants it, but you cannot condone what she is doing personally, with respect to this man, and especially him being around the child.

I really hope it all turns out OK.

Dickon

[Milese]

Thanks again for the support and advice.

My nephew is safe. She's not had custody since the first time, but he did stay with her weekends etc.

Since we found out whats been going on she is only seeing him at my Mum's house.

As of today apparently she's seemed 'normal', and has said she's not seeing the guy anymore. Which will lead to a load of surprise visits over the coming weeks.

Is it possible that she could 'use' a couple of times over the last week, then put it back down again quite easily? Or does the addiction take hold quite quickly?

[rokman nash]

Let me repeat junkies are liars period.Do not believe a word she says until she proves to you beyond reproof that she is clean.





JUNKIES are liars (i am an ex JUNKIE).

[~lostgurl~]

Just an idea, if you can afford it why don't you organise a weekend away with her and her son where you can try to keep an eye on her the whole time. Of course she could slip away to the bathroom and use but at least you could watch her mood and alertness, and she wouldn't be able to go out and score. You could also watch for withdrawal symptoms, or if necessary ask to search her bags to be sure. I remember this girl I know barely ever went away because she needed to score every day.

Of course there is a chance she has only been using occasionally or for a short period of time, but like rockman nash said you need to be sure beyond any doubt before her child can be left alone with her. Great that she has chosen to get this man out of her life - if she is telling the truth of course - that is at least a step in the right direction.

For most x-addicts, if another person is using around them on a regular basis it is almost impossible to resist the urge to pick up again.

Good luck to you both.

[wonky]

Also, most ex-addicts who are sober and trying to get their lives together don't start hanging out with addicts who are using-unless they are using again themselves.

[Ilsa]

lostgurl's idea is a good one, if that's feasible...the fact that she's even allowing anyone to use in her presence tells us a lot about her state of mind. most of the ppl i know who are successfully recovered/recovering stay far away from temptation. hell i moved two states away!! your sister's secrecy, lack of concern for her child, and choice of friend(s) tells me (and anyone who's been one will forever have impeccable junkie radar) that she's still using, or trying to. i think some time away might get her to open up, or at least give her a chance to think about how badly awry her life has gone, both for her and her child. i don't know why she uses, but i know that all the self-abuse piled on top of her initial problem is a vicious cycle that is inherent in addiction. i hope you get some time with her to figure out why she doing what she's doing.