A Mum looking for advice.....son smokes cannabis

[threewishes]

Hi All

Just joined and wanted to ask some advice if I may. My son is 20 and lives at home with just me. He has smoked cannabis heavily in the past but in the last year has cut down a lot. However, his past cannabis use had caused a lot of problems and friction and I would rather he not smoke any at all or at least, not smoke in my house. His view is different and he seems to choose to continue to smoke it once or twice a week.

My problem is that he is currently doing well at college and seems happy with his lifestyle. Most of the problems and friction caused by his past heavy use have mostly subsided......so, do I accept that this is what he is going to do and be grateful that his life is in better shape in spite of his current occasional use or do I 'stick to my guns' and insist that he stop using altogether or move out as I really dislike the stuff and it will always bring back such bad memories of the distress it caused in the past?

Advice and comments would be much appreciated to help me put all this in perspective.

Many thanks

[robin_himself]

Your son is 20 years old, as far as I can judge healty and doing well at college. Smoking weed twice a week will not cause any harm. You should accept the way your son chooses to run his life and offer him support when he needs it. Dismissing his choices of lifestyle will only alienate your son from you and cause problems in the family. As long as the smoking doesn't have negative effects there is no point in worrying.

If you don't want your son to smoke in your house than you could come to an agreement with your son for him to smoke somewhere else. This should be respected as it is your house.

As for the memories and associations you have with your son's past and marijuana is your own journey. Maybe reading up on marijuana use and culture will help on giving you a better picture of what going on. I don't ask you to change your opinion on weed, but reading up on two sides of the coin will not hurt anybody.

Good luck with your and your sons journey's. Love is the only way

[Jasim]

Originally Posted by robin_himself

If you don't want your son to smoke in your house than you could come to an agreement with your son for him to smoke somewhere else. This should be respected as it is your house.

I agree with the idea behind this, but the problem with this suggestion is that he may be more likely to drive under the influence if he must smoke away from home.

[anon3618]

A friend of a friend asked me to share his story with you:

I'm in a really similar situation, except I'm on the other end. I became a huge stoner around 15 or 16, and fought with my parents a lot. Them trying to control me and what I was doing ended up driving a huge divide between us. I hated being dependent on them and focused on becoming independent.

In retrospect, smoking as much as I did admittedly had negative effects. I used to do really well in school but I started to not care anymore. I did the bare minimum to graduate, and didn't apply to any universities because I didn't want to depend on my parents for money. I did apply to community college, though, and went for a couple of semesters.

When I was 17 I started dating a girl who was 20. I've always looked and behaved a lot older than I am. I got in a huge fight with my parents the day after my 18th birthday, and my dad angrily told me to get the hell out. I know he was just pissed, and didn't really mean it, but I took all my stuff and moved in with my girlfriend.

Now I'm 20, I have a great half-time job at an ad agency as a web developer (for 2 years now), and stay pretty busy with a lot of freelance work for $50/hr. I still live with that same girlfriend, and I pay the rent. So I'm pretty successful for my age, despite not graduating from college, and despite smoking a whole lot of pot (haha). I guess I have that drive for independence to thank for all my success in my career. A lot of the time I do wish that I could have moved away to a 4-year university, I'm a bit jealous of my friends who did and it seems like I'm missing out on a great experience. But I'm pretty happy with where I'm at, too. It just seems impossible to go to school and work enough hours to pay the bills.

For a while I didn't talk to my family at all. I'm not sure for how long. I would never pick up their phone calls, deleted their voice mails without listening, etc. After a while I began to come to my senses, I know that they were only looking out for me. So I talk to them, but we still feel really distant, and I'm not sure if our relationship will ever be the way it was before I started smoking pot heavily.

Heh, sorry for the life story. I guess what I'm trying to say is just to accept your son--he's 20, for christ's sake. Be thankful that you see him every day and that he's doing well in school. I've done a lot of different drugs and been around a lot of different users, and pot is NOT a big deal. Stop worrying about it, seriously. Being a stoner seems to be just a phase for a lot of people, including myself. I still smoke pot but not nearly as much, and I'm a very hard working person.

Reputation Comments on this post:

excellent contribution. very honest.

[Alfa]

Could you please describe the problems that his past cannabis use has caused?
Does his use currently cause any problems asides that you rather not have him smoke?
Would you describe your son as a mature responsible person for his age?

[Coconut]

If his current level of use is not causing him any problems (laziness, poor performance in college, paranoia) then you are being unreasonable. From what you have said, he seems to be succeeding and his cannabis use is not holding him back. Therefore, I would suggest that you simply accept your adult son for who he is. I realise parents have a tough time doing this when it goes against what they believe, but it has to be done.

Ask your son to smoke in the back garden or maybe invest in a vaporiser so you do not have to inhale it and your house does not reek of weed. In fairness, he should be trying his hardest to keep the smoke away from you and the rest of your family without having to be asked anyway. Smoking anything indoors where others have to live is something my tree would not tolerate and you should not have to either.

[Jasim]

You say he is doing well and only smokes once or twice a week. I understand your concern. If he starts smoking more often, the old problems are very likely to resurface.

Perhaps you should carefully talk to him and explain your concerns. But choose what you will say beforehand. You don't want it to end up in an argument. If he is doing well and continues to do well, I don't think his current level of use should be of concern.

I believe that he will someday stop smoking cannabis. He will realize (if he hasn't already) that cannabis use can interfere with his life in negative ways. Maybe he has already made the decision to stop, it's just taking him awhile to get used to not having it.

This reminds me of the recent thread Advice needed-daughter getting addicted to cannabis. Perhaps you can find more advice there.

[thebige]

Hello Mum.....thebige here.
Question....Were you a saint growing up? No blackout drinking? drugs? Excessive amounts of sex perhaps?Crime/drama?You get the idea.........
and you turned out........OK.......didn't you?
Ok enough that after 20 years you care enough and are involved in your sons life enough to come to a drug fourm and probe for answers from other drug users or junkies as some people call them..........................
some people only wish they had a relationship with their mum like that

[threewishes]

Many thanks to all who have replied - your advice and comments have been very helpful. Thank you.

It's difficult to know whether his current use is affecting him or not, as I guess I don't really know how much of his negative behaviour is due to the cannabis and how much is simply part of who he is. For e.g. someone asked if he was a responsible mature adult and I would have to say no ! He is more often than not, late for college, forgets things constantly, doesn't wash very often or get a haircut, sleeps all day and is up all night playing computer games (when not at college) etc.........but........he may just be like that anyway and it have nothing to do with cannabis use . He is also polite, funny, caring, helpful when I ask him to do stuff etc, thoughful and good company. He is also very respectful in all other ways except smoking joints under my roof knowing how I feel about it.....I don't really understand why he chooses to 'disrespect' me in this particular way but it seems something he is either determined to do or is 'addicted' to do, if you know what I mean.

Someone else suggested he smoke it outside, but we live very close to neighbours and have had a LOT of problems regarding complaints from them in the past so would not want to do Anything to antagonise them. Plus I would feel more than a little ashamed (rightly or wrongly) that other neighbours will smell weed coming from my house and I don't even like the stuff or the smell.

I like the idea of a vapouriser - will look into that if we decide to come to a compromise.

Thanks to anon1368 for sharing your story - I have already decided I could not throw him out of the home for this and appreciate you sharing your story. I guess I just feel angry that there seems to be little I can do to get what I want in my own home, but I'm realising that maybe I have to accept his life choices. I think if he didn't live with me, I would be more accepting of his own personal choices in his life, but it does make a big difference the fact that he is living under my roof and this is my home and my sanctury and my preference would be for it to be drug free.

Many thanks all

[Alfa]

late for college, forgets things constantly, doesn't wash very often or get a haircut, sleeps all day and is up all night playing computer games (when not at college)

I would not worry about this, except for him forgetting things. If this is not a personal trait, then this is likely caused by cannabis consumption. Consider to read up on this and provide in with information about the relation between cannabis and memory problems. Memory problems are extremely unhandy in college.

this is my home and my sanctury and my preference would be for it to be drug free.

Please think about the concept of 'drug free'. What exactly does that mean to you? Does that include 'alcohol free' or not? Does it mean 'free from harmful drugs' or 'free from drugs with social stigma'?

By way of comparison: would you feel ok with it, if he would replace smoking cannabis with alcohol?

[Jasim]

Originally Posted by Alfa

Please think about the concept of 'drug free'. What exactly does that mean to you? Does that include 'alcohol free' or not? Does it mean 'free from harmful drugs' or 'free from drugs with social stigma'?

Swim has been in this argument before with his wife. Typically it comes down to illicit substances and substances with a high social stigma (not counting alcohol). But this is a great point and I agree that it is something threewishes should consider. Perhaps contemplating this question will allow her to better discern her own feelings on the matter.

By way of comparison: would you feel ok with it, if he would replace smoking cannabis with alcohol?

That's a great point since alcohol has been shown to be more damaging both to the body and to social relationships. People don't tend to get violent when high on cannabis, very unlike alcohol.
And just fyi to everyone, alcohol damages the heart much more than the liver.