Journal - Roxie just got home from detox..

[phoenix71]

Roxie has been reading this site for a while and while it seems counter-intuitve for her to get to the recovery board thru an informational board, she has found the recovery board to be useful, and has related to many of the stories found here and found much of the advice useful. Though she has lurked for a while, it has come time for her to commit to the recovery process and needs all the help she can get.

Plus sleep seems to be elusive at the moment

Roxie just got home from a medical detox. Before she went in she was taking up to 400 mg day of an oxycodone/oxycontin mix and drinking heavily on top of it, with the occassional hit off a joint. She is now on Suboxone but came home to reality and is beginning to jones for anything -a beer a joint whatever. But the goal is to maintain a sober life (including no alcohol - for a while at least). She does have a couple of xanax but holidng off for when they are REALLY needed them. The really good bottle of wine she is saving for a bday present for a friend is looking pretty tasty too. I don't think she will drink it but I know she can't get it out of the house right now either.

Essentially she is alone, exhausted, scared and pissed off. All of the things that she is supposed to do to distract herself remind her of using. Even basic things like housecleaning, or watching tv. She always used her DOC to get energy/enlightenment to do these things.

For the record she is NOT a beleiver or fan of NA/AA, but does plan to go to a meeting if necessary- just to fill time. However she doesn't see this as a solution, but rather needs other answers. She is painfully aware of the natural instinct to self sabatoge but also aware of limitations.

I started to write a book here about Roxie's story - but the story can come later. This is her second go around with this battle so she has a basic understanding of the fight but knowledge is not enough to conquer this demon. She needs comfort and support at the moment.

PLEASE REMIND ROXIE WHY SHE IS DOING THIS!! Already the fire is sputtering out before it can burn brightly enough for her rebirth.


Thank you.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Well done for coming here for support and good luck

[AvidFan]

Well at least Roxie has found this forum - so is now not so alone, as there are plenty of people here who have been through, or are currently attempting to go through, this difficult journey. So, ROXIE IS NOT ALONE, at least

X can well relate to the experience described - at first, not even simple things seem bearable without the drug. It's taken him a month to get around to doing some cleaning of the house.

Try to find something Roxie can enjoy, otherwise take time up reading and posting here. If you haven't already, read the threads Screaming in the Night Air, or Patient X's very own Oxycodone withdrawal story thread, Rokman Nash's thread is good too, but doesn't contain the first 7 days, so that could come later. X found that reading about other people who had made or were making it was profoundly inspiring and made him realise that it CAN BE DONE.

There are one or two here probably at a similar stage to Roxie, hooking up with one may help so they can go through it together - chatting to people who have succeeded can seem a little daunting as it seems they have amazing reserves of strength - but everyone does, it just needs finding.

A few tips that helped X (apart from the usual supplements, advice etc already around the forum) - write down your reasons for wanting to be clean (the forum can help for that), and please do not think too far ahead or try to be heroic. Take it one hour at a time, and do not give in to cravings as it will take Roxie all the way back to step one. Every hour at this stage is a victory. Draw the lines, keep the fire burning bright, and stay strong.

Hope some of the strength of the people on here can help Roxie find hers.

Best of luck.

[phoenix71]

Thanks AvidFan and betsym.

Roxie has read much of Patient X's story but has not yet searched for Screaming. As a matter of fact Patient X's story played a good part in convincing her to go to detox. She spent one night not too long ago, not able to sleep deciding whether or not to find a needle for the first time, just to get THAT MUCH MORE out of her DOC. I was searching this forum and somehow came across his story. She sat in front of the computer crying, reading it and said NO MORE.

And just typing that got her crying again. Stupid mood swings.

Any takers on walking this path with me? I am in the Pacific Northwest so if your hours coincide that would be nice, but if not please write me anyway.

[Ilsa]

i feel for ya...i remember my cat crying incessantly at the drop of a hat alst fall when she was trying to get off opiates...she still does sometimes. basically, i think you're experiencing something similar: you've abused yourself, in mind and body, and you're mourning the loss of what essentially became a replacement for everything. it's like losing a friend or lover even. and it's hell. it does get better as we find (or rediscover) things we've lost. i remember wandering through the mountains (appalachia) for hours taking pictures of anything and everything. it filled up a lot of time for me--maybe there's someting similar you might enjoy?

if you don't remember anything else, remember this: the craving is TEMPORARY. wait awhile, sit with it, acknowledge it, but don't give in!!! wait it out!

you can do this--if you're taking the initiative to find support, you can do this. many of us have been at this place, and many of us still are, so understand that your feelings of isolation, while real, are not realistic in the sense that there are many others out there who, while they don't know the specifics of your experience, know about the experience itself. you've done well to become a member and engage yourself--actively seeking to counter-act cravings is the first and greatest step in getting better

[Lisa J]

Roxie has made a very brave step by going through detox, think of it as learning to walk all over again, you've taken the first few steps but with a lot of determination you could soon be running to recovery
SWIM knows it's a bloody hard battle and she's still fighting hers, prescribed fentanyl, codeine & gabapentin for neuro pain, methadone which was for maintenance but now part of her pain meds too, and she struggles not to use heroin on a daily basis
SWIM did have ten years without heroin or methadone so it CAN be done, SWIM'S problem was that she was at a very unhappy point in her life, in a lot of physical pain and felt very much alone, for her it was a case of seeking comfort in her old friend heroin.
SWIM knows she will probably never be opiate free because of her health problems but she would love to be free of methadone & heroin so she could feel clean
Cravings will come and go, talking about them makes them less powerful, if you can't talk to anyone about it then please get on the PC and tell us at DF how you're feeling, we are all here for the same reason and have many experiences to share

[Gappa]

SWIPhoenix, SWIM said the same shit about AA/NA. SWIM went through detox a few weeks back. I am TOTALLY clean now even gave up nicotine. YOU CAN DO IT! not saying AA is the way to go but SOMETHING has caused a change in me. Once the demon is defeated you will look back and should remember the agony and never want to put an opiate into SWIYs body again. after detox just plan on 2 weeks of hot showers/baths/hot tub. Clonidene is a blood pressure med which is not a controlled substance. It has almost magical properties of being able to control WD help with sleep and anxiety. It is semi-sedating at higher doses and SWIGappa gives it two thumbs up for anyone wishing to kick opis!

[Dickon]

You are doing this because.....

All that is bad now will fade away.
One day you will look back at your pain now and smile.
You will start to grow again if you stay clean.
You will be able to connect with other human beings again.
You will sleep and wake up refreshed soon.
You're first thought will not be "where do I get some today".
You'll be able to travel without worrying about where to score.
You'll become comfortable in your own skin.
You'll laugh until you cry.
You'll cry at bad movies.
You want to show the world you're a kick-arse evil motherfucker who won't be defeated by a powder.
It's a challenge! Challenges are fun.
When you "return", you'll have a perspective on life few other have, which will make you interesting.
You're going to give the buprenorphine (subutex/suboxone) up too when you're ready and experience true freedom.
You want to quit before you're 40.
You're a star!
We love you, and know you have it in you. We've been there too, and are calling you to join us!

Dickon

[phoenix71]

Dickon- thank you. If you don't mind Roxie copied that to a word document of reasons that will be carried as a reminder.

Her backstory includes fighting the demon once before about 3 years ago, so she is lucky to have had a taste, albeit brief, of unbridled joy. She remembers waking up one morning and going out to her car to go to work, and just standing there amazed at the spring colors, the fresh air, the birds singing, the raccooon scooting across the street...and feeling utterly grateful for life. SHe wants that back SOOOO badly but it is a long way from here, and the road is slippery and rocky and barely passable at times, it makes her want to give up.

Roxie has spent her last day of "vacation" before going back to work trying to find an outpatient type program and is ready to pull her hair out. Most programs won't accept anyone on Suboxone, which doesn't make sense since it is used to combat opiate dependence. And the ones that do INSIST you go to 12 step meetings. SOOOO FRUSTRATING!! Here she is asking for help, yet seemingly no one wants to help (She knows this isn't true but it certianly feels that way!). She knows well that you can't do this alone, that support is crucial to success. But when the only acceptable option is AA/NA there is somehting not quite right.

As far as the AA/NA programs, yes she has experience from all sides of the table, both as a user and as a co-dependent.

Roxie is an agnostic, and though everyone says you don't have to believe - really all of the literature and all of the meetings underlie that. (EXAMPLE: Big Book Chapter 4 " ..you may be suffering from an illness that only a spiritual experience will conquer".) Yes she understands it is belief in a power greater than myself, and that could be the light switch or a dog, but the emphasis is undeniably on "God" as is understood by the Christian world.

Additionally so many people claim that it is not a "cult" (for lack of a better term) but then claim it is the ONLY way, well, it smacks of "cult" to me. (sadly she has first hand experience with a real cult too).

Roxie also doesn't believe in powerlessness. She is NOT powerless, ultimately ONLY Roxie can get power over this. Powerlessness takes the accountability out of her hands and I believe that makes relapse more likely. That doesn't mean she doesn't need and want help,she believes the only way to do this is with support and education, even if it DOES come from an AA/NA meeting.

Also, to her, the concept of one day at a time allows for failure. It gives an option to use tomorrow. It may simply be sleight of hands, but that is how she feels. However even studies by AA show that only 5% of people make it thru a year. The failure rate of this program is astronomical.

And lastly the format does not work for me. Roxie is a person who needs the back and forth conversation, discourse with others, direct advice and understanding. Yes it is helpful to know others are in the same boat, that she is not alone, but it is not how she learns best.

She DOES believe the 12-steps themselves are overall a good tool for anyone as it helps you put things in perspective in many ways.

This being said, she is not trying to change anyones mind, or bash your belief by any stretch of the imagination. She has been asked why she feels this way so she wanted you to know it is not a decision made lightly, She has put a lot of thought into it. IF IT WORKS FOR YOU THEN WORK IT!!! (Isn't that how it is said?)

As far as other meetings - there really aren't many. Roxie lives in Seattle WA and there is only ONE SMART meeting in the whole area. It is amazing sometimes - the lack of alternatives. .

Wow, that was rather long-winded and not a direct answer to anyone's question but she has spent the day having this argument and no one listened to it.

phoenix71 added 2 Minutes and 21 Seconds later...

Roxie is ill-mannered at times. She meant to say THANK YOU!!!

[AvidFan]

FWIW Patient X doesn't think the 12 steps would have helped him much either, but he did see the higher power thing in terms of his Good Angel

If you know it won't work for SWIY, but know what WILL, then that is a great perspective to have.

Hope some support can be found locally, if not, there is always this forum, and we're all rooting for you to come through this

[phoenix71]

Thanks Avid...

Roxie is about to head off to work - She hasn't been to work "sober" in over a year. Didn't get to sleep last night until about 1 menaing only 6 hours sleep-Roxie is one who needs 11 (seriously, sleep studies and all that). So she is anxious but determined to go in, and kick some ass, remind everyone why they hired her in the first place. That the rising star they saw at the beginning is still on her ascent.

Wish her luck. At least wish that her mood swings are manageable today and not obvious to co-workers.

Thanks for all the support. You have no idea how much Roxie needs it.

[phoenix71]

Thankfully the needle will never be an option for Roxie as she never got to that poing, perilously close, but didn't do it. And she will NEVER be that close to it again- not if I have anything to say about it. I will truss her up and throw her in closet and throw away the key before she can even try.

Work was fine for Roxie, a couple of moments where she her mind started playing tricks but she just dove back into her InBox that has been neglected for too long and kept focused.

It's odd being so preoccupied with Roxies issues that I haven't thought much about anyone else. Here I am soliciting support for her but not giving any myself. hoping swiy's pain isn't too bad today.

I like your quote betsym, similar to another one I have heard:
“When you dance with a gorilla it is the gorilla who decides when to stop."

[AvidFan]

Originally Posted by betsym

Oh yes we do know how much .........cuz we all need it too. It 's a minute-by-minute thing, not just day-by-day, for many, swim included, even given the different circumstances. Avidfan mentioned hour-by-hour but an hour is a long-ass time to swim!

Yes, forgot about the minutes - seconds even, but over a month on that's the first thing that starts to fade (at least it is for Patient X) - he remembers hours, days, but it's becoming less vivid all the time - good job his story is set in stone here should his memories fade completely and he ever thinks he is clean enough to "just have a dabble".

[phoenix71]

Hi betsym
I am curious as to why swiy comes to this forum? on some level does swiy feels she has an addiction? perhaps she uses this as a way to keep from developing one? or just curious, bored? swiy may have answered this elsewhere, sorry if it is a repeat question. and maybe it is no ones business, so please say so if that is the case.

[phoenix71]

Roxie just typed a long message in repsonse betsym but the mods kicked it back because it had a web link and didn't know/remember the rules.

the point was, she had no time to really read your post, and even less to answer right now, she has to go to work, but the quick scan of it she did pulled out a couple of things she recognized.

she IS bi-polar (the mild kind thankfully) and knows very well the empathetic, sensitive side. google HSP - highly sensitive person-swiy will NO DOUBT recognize herself.

Also a quick thanks to Avid, Roc, and Dickon, your stories are extremely helpful to Roxie

Roxie is committing to a SMART meeting tonight, google that too if swiys want, different than a standard 12 step.

have a bright and glorious day.

[AvidFan]

Bright and glorious days to you too.

Just wondered how Roxie is doing? X is going through a strange kind of hell at the moment, but seems to get something out of encouraging people - in the worst situations he finds himself, if he can help someone else it seems to help him (it must release oxytocin or some other endorphins )

Hope it's going well.

[phoenix71]

Avid, thank you. Roxie is pretty self-absorbed right now, and while normally a very compassionate person is having a hard time seeing past her own shit at the moment. She envies your desire and need to do so. Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. She guesses/knows that is the nature of the devil. If it was easy, no one would be here, this forum wouldn't exist.
Hang in there.

[Ilsa]

would you mind posting a description of the smart program here? i don't believe we've covered it and any additional info on programs is much appreciated.

[wonky]

SWIM started a post on the SMART program. SWIM is looking into the website, and will add more when she knows more. However, SWIroxie knows more than SWIM, and can add her knowledge to it should she want to.

wonky added 86 Minutes and 18 Seconds later...

So SWIM posted some info about SMART and forgot the rules not to post any web addresses, SWIM posted one. It was removed, and SWIM received a warning notice about it. No big deal, sorry about that, it was SWIM'S mistake. But to put the infraction notice on SWIM'S info where it is shown on every post SWIM makes? Whatever, those are the rules.