Had a relapse..

[infekt]

Swim started a relapse on heroin about a week ago up until last night (on and off, did not do enough in sucession to start getting dope sick). Swim doesn't want to use any longer, he made it from June up until a week ago clean and is feeling pretty disappointed in himself...he felt like he got so far, only to be sucked right back in. He started school and actually began doing good in school, started making new friends finally, and for once in his life everything was going right...but for some reason swim was not happy with any of it at all. The last month and a half swim has been depressed and does not know why, and eventually it lead to the relapse, along with the fact that he has had terrible sleep problems for such a long time. He is sick of being tired and disgustingly uncomfortable all the god damned time, he believes this could be a main factor in his depression...though not the cause for anything near all of it. Now swim is feeling guilty and feeling like he let everyone down...

[award11]

Bro all you can do is start over. No one is perfect and the fact that you went as long as you did says a lot. SWIM might try getting involved in an NA program or aome type of support group. SWIM knows that this idea doesn't appeal to everyone and understandingly so. There is nothing more therapeutic to an addict than sitting down and talking to another addict. It may help shed some light on why SWIM feels the way he does. Don't feel guilty bro, it happens.... the important thing is that one still have the desire to get clean. Hang in there brotha and don't be so hard on yourself...

[chillinwill]

Man Red Rock is sorry to hear about SWIY's relapse. He congratulate SWIY for talking about it on here since it will probably help SWIY get their feelings out into the open. SWIY made it over 6 months which is a hell of a journey in terms of staying clean off heroin. SWIY must have been doing something right in order for them to be staying clean that long. Luckily though, SWIY's relapse was a relatively short one and SWIY made it back safely to seek help again. SWIY also doesn't have to go through the phsycial withdrawals again which is going to help in terms of getting clean. Did this relapse effect anything in SWIY's life other than feelings of disappointment, guilt, and shame? Also, does anybody know about SWIY's relapse other than the people on here?

Red Rock believes that relapse is a process and that events prior to the relapse are what caused the actual processing of using again. Here are some questions to ponder that might help SWIY determine why the relapse happened and what to do in order to get back on the right track. If SWIY doesn't feel comfortable answering these here, feel free to PM me and we can talk. Why was SWIY feeling depressed and uncomfortable all the time even though they have lots of things going for them? How was SWIY able to stay clean before this past week?

It always helps Red Rock if he talks about it and if SWIY wants to talk about it either here on the open forum or on PM, feel free to discuss it. Relapses are tricky things that can happen but SWIY must not let it discourage them as this can continue the cycle of using. Red Rock says that SWIY needs to keep their head up and continue on with their life. SWIY must learn from this mistake and just take it as a learning experience of how easily one can fall back in the grasps of using and addiction.

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanks so much for your support and help, I know you know what you are talking about

[Pope Albacore]

SWIM agrees with above posters on the fact that SWIY made 6 months and that says a lot. Especially when one considers how easy it can be for addicts to score. SWIM says addicts ALWAYS know. 6 months is a lot to hold SWIY's head up high about. Addiction is a war and SWIY won a major battle.

SWIM himself once decided enough was enough when it came to cocaine and went a year and a half clean until one day he decided to break away from the straight and narrow. The first couple of weeks SWIM beat himself up mercilessly, then he realized that a majority of the addicts he knew could not even do a week of sobriety and often never even consider it. SWIM realized that he cared for himself much more than others did for their own well-being and that was another motivator.

SWIY may feel that he let everyone down but in reality SWIY is feeling regret which in SWIM's opinion is often a wasted emotion. Just pick SWIY's head back up and realize that NO ONE is perfect. SWIY did great for 6 months and that is more than 90% of the drug using world can say. Good luck and remember that one slip up is not the end, SWIY has righted his/herself up and WILL do better. Don't ever give up.

-Pope Albacore

Reputation Comments on this post:

thank you for your kind words, you put things into perspective greatly

[infekt]

Thanks to everyone who replied thus far for encouragement. Swim has always said "never turn a slip into a fall", but for some reason, it's not that it seems hard, but it is frustrating; how could swim go for so long and fuck up like this? Truthfully, swim already had planned on getting high subconsciously for a month before the relapse, he felt like he just needed to "get out". The winter break from college comes along and swim is just sitting around and it seemed like he could get the heroin out of his head. He felt like he had to do it, like it was an itch that started a month ago and it needed to scratched. But once he scratched it, it no longer seemed like such an innocent, simple thing.

He used a couple more times after the first time because he once again thought he had found that magic mountain of happiness...but the truth of the matter is everyone comes down. And then the memories started to pour in...swim does not want to be a junkie like he used to be. It always starts out so "innocent", he knows all too well, having tried to quit and relapsed over ten times in the past. And now...6 months down the drain. But..it just seemed impossible for some reason to not scratch that "itch". The more swim thinks about it now, the more he realizes that, first of all now it is in the past and swim can't change it, and that there is no use in speculating whether or not he could've avoided it. Still though, swim would like to think he is stronger than that, or else this recovery deal will never work out.

The last relapse before this one happened in a very similar fashion. Swim will get stuck on the thought of using for about a month until it becomes so strong he just gives in and uses. That time he threw away 3 months. Luckily he got back on his feet after a month of using, that may've only been because of a run in with the law.

I guess what swim is trying to say is that he has a big problem with being able to not view heroin as a friend for a long period of time. For some reason it always pops back up, that yes, heroin can fix swim up real nice. He forgets about all the pain and suffering the lifestyle provides him. He forgets that the junk is the fucking devil...it disguises itself so well! He doesn't even recognize it after a few months. fuck!

Originally Posted by chillinwill

Red Rock believes that relapse is a process and that events prior to the relapse are what caused the actual processing of using again. Here are some questions to ponder that might help SWIY determine why the relapse happened and what to do in order to get back on the right track. If SWIY doesn't feel comfortable answering these here, feel free to PM me and we can talk. Why was SWIY feeling depressed and uncomfortable all the time even though they have lots of things going for them? How was SWIY able to stay clean before this past week?

Swim has been trying to figure out his depression for some time now. Swim thinks part of the reason is a general lack of sleep. He has had pretty terrible insomnia since before his use of heroin...going back, let's say 6 years. While he was heroin, however, it didn't ever bother him too much because he could just the raw to feel alright. But the lack of sleep makes swim feel physically uncomfortable, anxious, irritable, and generally out of focus. It is a wonder how he is doing good in school, really (not that he didn't try really hard, but the lack sleep made swim feel like he was only working at 13% capacity).

I don't know about the depression. It's awful. It's almost like swim needs turmoil in his life, otherwise things are just so mundane. And things are just sad. Swim's dad also got layed off from his job recently. But these are smaller things, there is something huge weighing swim down and he doesn't know what it is.


Swim has been able to stay clean up until his relapse by his weekly early recovery group therapy, though it doesn't seem as helpful as it used. Also, weekly drug testing for probation also contributes greatly. Swim does not like NA or AA, and has been to hundred, maybe thousands of meetings, and this last time getting sober he stayed clear of those and it has worked a lot better (meetings seem to be big triggers for swim for some reason, he always leaves craving). Other than you guys, not many others know. Swim is planning on telling his early recovery group at the next meeting (monday)...

Swim is thinking about working out, getting back into yoga. Just the motivation to just started and moving is hard to find..

[chillinwill]

That's how a lot of relapses happening is that the person will suffer some type of depression or something happens way before the actual relapse. Then the thought of using crosses the person's mind and they might be able to resist it for a while. However, Red Rock firmly believes if that person doesn't learn how to handle whatever the problem is, it will probably lead back to using.

In terms of thinking about never using heroin again for the rest of SWIY's life, Red Rock has found that the one day at a time principle really works well for him. He doesn't believe in most of NA/AA principals but he has found that this one is very helpful for him. When he tends to think of staying clean from his drug of choice forever, it seems like a tumultuous task that he will not be able to do. Looking back on the clean time he has now, this principal has worked wonders for him. He doesn't worry about what happened yesterday or what might happen in the future, it just focuses on today and does what he has to today.

For the insomnia, has SWIY looked at natural supplements such as melatonin, valerian, or kava? Red Rock had tried all the sleep aids out there prescription wise and found that diphenhydramine worked the best for him after he got through the withdrawals of heroin. This isn't necessarily a natural supplement but has worked wonders for Red Rock. Also, relaxation techniques before going to bed can be helpful in terms of getting your body ready for sleep. Red Rock thinks getting enough sleep might work wonders for SWIY.

Being clean and sober can really be fucking boring. This is one of the hardest things for Red Rock to overcome for the past 9 months. He absorbed himself into this forum in order to occupy his time and eventually started hanging out with friends that had told him that they didn't want anything to do with him until he stopped using. Being in school can occupy a lot of your time as well and this can be very helpful for someone that gets bored easily and finds life mundane and boring. Working out is another great thing to do. Red Rock has found this either running or lifting (mostly running) allows himself to have time for "me" and can think more clearly while running. Yoga can be another great technique that not only occupies your time, but allows you to develop a healthier mind and body.

Has SWIY tried talking to their recovery group about what is weighing them down? They might be able to offer some insight into this.

[Lisa J]

SWIM has been in the same situation so many times but the most important thing is that SWIY tries to learn from each slip/relapse to help make the next one less likely until SWIY reaches a point where all the lessons have been learned and the clean time continues indefinitely.
One thing SWIM has learned is that talking about using thoughts can remove their power almost straight away, it's silence that makes them powerful, they get stronger day by day until the thought of using becomes so overwhelming you have to use.
SWIM had 10 years clean time and thought she was safe but a bad rollercoaster ride of a marriage breakup soon had her reaching for the comfort of heroin again. To make matters worse it only took 3 or 4 weeks to get back to and beyond her old tolerance, so the relapse proved financially devastating. SWIM got on a methadone script and cleaned up for a year but started abusing her other medications which caused her to start using heroin again. Thats been the situation for the past 4 months but SWIM has learned and this time she hasn't got a daily habit and will go a week or so without it, she may not be able to resist it's charms yet but she no longer allows it to have the control. SWIM knows she will get fed up with this relationship, heroin used to promise her everything and deliver everything, but now she can see heroin for what he is, he promises her everything but delivers very little anymore, he takes her money, her dignity, her health. Friends & family hate him, he gets SWIM to go to dangerous places and she has to meet potentially dangerous people, the list goes on. The next time heroin knocks on SWIM'S door she thinks she should slam it and tell him to fuck off
SWIM hopes SWIY keeps on fighting, never give up and get all the help SWIY can until the magic ingredient is found that helps SWIY stay clean for good

[AvidFan]

It goes to show how powerful the lure can be. Patient X is at a month clean, but will still need to exercise caution in 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 months as who knows what lurks.

As someone who started self medicating with opiates during a time of grief and depression, X knows how friendly those opiates can feel when vulnerable, but they are not a cure for depression, they are an additional problem.

SWIInfekt needs to work out the source of this depression and dissatisfaction as has been suggested - although sometimes, just not being satisfied with how things are is pretty much a normal and universal thing - the swindle of opiates is you end up trying to make everything perfect and happy all the time and just end up fucked over by it as life isn't like that - it can be great some of the time or most of the time, but not all of the time - that goes for just about everyone.

Sometimes it is only time, sometimes it is other meds, sometimes it is the talking cure. But at least SWIY has recognised that this is not the way to go, and posted here, and am just posting to let you know there's another person out here wishing SWIY all the very best