Journal - Pain pill kick-off

[Roy Hobbs]

I'm Roy Hobbs and I'm sixteen hours into kicking hydrocodone and oxycodone. I'm not bothering with the swimming stuff because I've never done anything illegal. All of the opiates that I've ingested have come from little orange bottles prescribed to me by only two physicians who know each other and are both actively involved in treating me. The opiates are prescribed with vague dosing instructions like "prn". Lately prn has come to mean eating them like tic-tacs. For the last couple of months my daily dose was 60mg hydrocodone and 45mg oxycodone. In all candor, I was supposed to take some of the oxycodone in the form of oxycontin and I learned that dirty little trick about chewing them. I also learned that if I saved the pills up until the end of the day and washed them down with several beers that I could really boost the effect.

The end of the line for me came when I read about the experiences of Roc's friend Dave for the last month. I was trying to taper down with my wife's help but I was cheating on the taper behind her back. I felt like a real loser for not being able to accomplish a small goal. I thought: "here's a guy kind of like me and he feels good and clean". That gave me hope that I could stop too. Then I read something that Dick wrote about users being self-absorbed and not having time for others in their lives. That really stung me because I've got a great wife and three teenage kids who need me in their lives. On that motivation I came up with a plan to take my last pills on 12/30 and then make a cold turkey break. I don't have to do anything at work until 1/05 so I can be strung out and sick for a few days without obligations.

I know that I'm both a noob and a lightweight. In spite of those facts I am so grateful for the interest that people on this board like Dick, Roc and Avid have shown in my efforts to clean up. I've never admitted the fact of my addiction to anyone but my wife. I can't explain why, but I have found power in telling complete strangers about this flaw in my character.

So anyway, yesterday I was dealing with some pretty heavy shit at my office and all I could think about was how it would feel today after I quit. I had the strangest feeling that was a combination of excitement about starting and fear of how sick I am going to get. It was a struggle to keep my mind on the things that were going on and I was glad to leave at about 3:30p. I came home downed a handful of pills and a half bottle of Jack Daniels and sat around watching TV all night. My wife destroyed all of my remaining pills.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I've slept a couple of hours this morning. Last night I was too excited, scared and keyed up about quitting to think of anything else. Now I'm sixteen hours in to this deal. I'm feeling cold. My skin is crawling. My nose and eyes are running and I'm a little achey. None of those things are too bad right now but I suspect that they will get worse as the day passes. I haven't had to take any of the comfort meds that are recommended in the Thomas recipe.

I feel like I used to after a kick-off and the first hit in a football game. The excitement has toned down and now I'm just strapped in fighting through this. RH

Reputation Comments on this post:

Thanks for sharing your story

[rokman nash]

Sounds like Roy has a good plan in place.Dave is rooting for you to make it through.
Soon Dave thinks you will find that your Jacuzzi is your best friend(Dave practically lived in his).

good thoughts to you and yours and happy fucking new year lol

[crizzle]

Happy New Year Roy. Last year at this exact time swim was in the same boat as you, his first withdrawal. It lasted almost exactly 72 hours, but he was coming off of dope. I imagine the withdrawals could be verysimilar to a few bags of dope. Whatever you do, once youve started, dont go back, you'll just have to do it again. If you can do it without seeing a dr for suboxone or any help withdrawing I think that will be the best for you so you will remember how it feels. Good luck with it and just remember it will be over before you know it.

[Roy Hobbs]

I made it through my first 24 hours. All of the stuff in the withdrawal symptoms list has come to visit (cold, sweating, aches, runs etc...). I've spent some time in the steam shower and it has helped. I've been drinking lots of water and I think that is good too. I'm worried about my wife. She came home for lunch and I could tell by the look on her face that she really wants to help. She'll be home in a few minutes and I have to convince her that I'm doing good so she won't worry.

I'm sticking with this because I don't want to do the last 24hrs again. I'll be shakin' in the new year but not the regular way. RH

[rokman nash]

Keep it up Roy,tell your wife this is part of the process(mine freaked too).Your well on your way,fight the fight.

Reputation Comments on this post:

good support

[Richard_smoker]

HELL YEAH!!!!

congratulations! this is a kick-ass new year's resolution, indeed!

just remember the FIGHT mentality.

i know it sounds sick and contrary to everything you've ever heard or thought, but i actually found many times within those throws of withdrawal a certain strange feeling of ECSTACY!!!

no shit. it's only temporary.

Either today or tomorrow, I'd say that if you can force yourself to FORCE YOURSELF TO GET OFF THE FUCKING COUCH and just push yourself out your front door, you will really thank yourself!

as Dickon told me--and i've repeated it word for word at least 30 times--if you can push through the first 100 yards , then the next 1000 yards are about equivalent to the 100.

what you'll find is that exercise is the closest thing you will ever get to a natural opiate high. actually it IS a natural opiate high! the more intense the workout, the more endorphins released. for now i wouldnt' even think about jogging or running unless you're really bogged down or have uncontrollable shakes (rigors).

my pig was so distressed by this parkinson's disease-like symptom, that he pushed himself to JOGGING one night--just anything to push it to the back of his mind or get some relief. Well, he repeated ALOUD (mumbling to himself mostly), "ONE STEP AT A TIME...ONE STEP AT A TIME..." each and every time his foot plopped down on the sidewalk, he would repeat this mantra.

yes, it was at night and no i don't know if anyone heard it. tbh, this pig didn't give a FUCK about anyone or anything else but the ONE SINGLE STEP that he would take one-at-a-time...

needless to say when he finally got back inside his house, he had probably dropped about a gallon of sweat, but he felt ECSTACTIC! He felt this great euphoric feeling all night long in fact until he went to sleep.

This might have been the most propelling experience that made the remainder of the experience relatively easy and DEFINITELY tolerable.

Just keep fighting no matter what you do...it gets better.

[award11]

I too am referring only to addiction from a pain management standpoint. Anything that I take is also legal and is done so under the care of a wonderful medical doctor and neurosurgeon.

Congratulations Roy.... Taking that first step is one of the hardest, longest steps that I ever took. I am so glad to hear that your wife is actively involved in the solution, even if you were cheating on your taper. It is almost a relief in itself when you come clean with your wife or signifigant other; or at least it was for me. Although I am currently back in my active addiction, the best years of my life were spent clean and sober. Clean for 3 years to the day, I had an unfortunate accident and now suffer from awful chronic pain. But this post isn't about me and I don't want to highjack your thread... Even though I am , I back in pain management now, I encourage a clean way of life and hope that you are able to make good on your new years resolution.

You have been given some great advice, especially the part about pushing yourself and forcing yourself to go. I would suggest doing anything that will keep you active and occupied. My mind raced non-stop for the first few days, I was so restless. Try to exercise and make yourself eat if at all possible. I would also try to limit my time on this forum exclusively to reading this thread if even that. This forum is a great source of support but it can also work against you, even with the best of intentions. I found that I became fixated on using whenever I spent too much time reading material pertaining to drugs, withdrawls, etc. . If you spend a lot of time reading the withdrawl horror stories online it will be twice as hard to stay clean. Just go about your day and don't trick yourself into thinking it's worse than it really is.... Something else that helped me was going to NA meetings. At first I was embaressed, ashamed and afraid someone that I knew would see me there. I'm from a small town where everyone knows everyone. Looking back on it, I don't know what I was so so ashamed of, everyone there had the same problem. I had it in my head though that the room would be full of homeless-like people that had lost it all. Needless to say, I was suprised when I walked into a room of doctors, lawyers and other healthcare professionals and yea, a couple of homeless-like people. By the end of the meeting though, I realized we were all the same. Anyways, justa thought... I wish you and your family all the best.

Reputation Comments on this post:

awesome support and advice... your words are SO TRUE! don't give up the spirit of hope just b/c you're in pain manageme...

[chillinwill]

Originally Posted by award11

I would also try to limit my time on this forum exclusively to reading this thread if even that. This forum is a great source of support but it can also work against you, even with the best of intentions. I found that I became fixated on using whenever I spent too much time reading material pertaining to drugs, withdrawls, etc. . If you spend a lot of time reading the withdrawl horror stories online it will be twice as hard to stay clean. Just go about your day and don't trick yourself into thinking it's worse than it really is.

Red Rock found this forum to be his greatest support in his journey in getting clean and remaining clean. There have been a few times that while reading a thread in the heroin section such as the Heroin Experiences thread that Red Rock got triggered but he never acted on those triggers. However, for him, this forum has been a greater resource than NA. For instance, reaching out for support when Red Rock made a lapse in judgement, and received overwhelming support and advice on here. Red Rock didn't have to worry about people judging him on here since no one here knows him in real life. Not only can he reach out for support when needed, but he tries to help others that are in need on here. Red Rock totally absorbed himself into this site by posting a lot, adding lots of news articles, etc to keep his mind off his addiction and when he got a craving, he let the DF community know about it.

Also, the more withdrawal and horror stories that he read on here, the more it re-enforced in his mind that he never wanted to go back to where he was in active addiction. Life is so much better now than it was on his "best" day of active addiction. This site can be used for whatever purpose you want to use it for and if one is determined to get clean, then by all means use this site as your helper if it helps you. You have to find whatever works for you as what worked for Red Rock might not work for someone else.

[award11]

Originally Posted by chillinwill

Red Rock found this forum to be his greatest support in his journey in getting clean and remaining clean. There have been a few times that while reading a thread in the heroin section such as the Heroin Experiences thread that Red Rock got triggered but he never acted on those triggers. However, for him, this forum has been a greater resource than NA. For instance, reaching out for support when Red Rock made a lapse in judgement, and received overwhelming support and advice on here. Red Rock didn't have to worry about people judging him on here since no one here knows him in real life. Not only can he reach out for support when needed, but he tries to help others that are in need on here. Red Rock totally absorbed himself into this site by posting a lot, adding lots of news articles, etc to keep his mind off his addiction and when he got a craving, he let the DF community know about it.

Also, the more withdrawal and horror stories that he read on here, the more it re-enforced in his mind that he never wanted to go back to where he was in active addiction. Life is so much better now than it was on his "best" day of active addiction. This site can be used for whatever purpose you want to use it for and if one is determined to get clean, then by all means use this site as your helper.

As SWIM stated in his post, this forum is a great source of support but it can also work against you, even with the best of intentions. SWIM knows only of what works for him. Whether it be a 12 Step program, internet based support group or a do-it-yourself detox at home, each indiidual has to find what works for them. No two recovery processes are the same, each person has to evaluate their recovery and see what seems to help and what seems to make it worse. I love this forum and think it is a great support tool for some people but that doesn't mean it will work for everybody, we each have to find our own way.

[Roy Hobbs]

I'm doing a little better today. Last night was tough. I've noticed that the cramping (that had me flopping around in my bed like a fish out of water) is less. I still have the runny nose, chills and aches. I'm also tired and weak. I've only eaten a little chicken broth in the last day or so. I don't feel much like eating. I'm going to limit my time on this site like award11 says. That is good advice for me. I'm also going to get some exercise to see if I can start feeling more normal. Thanks Dick.

[award11]

Hang in there bro.... It WILL get better, I promise.

[AvidFan]

Think good thoughts. The forum obviously helped Patient X, as he has reached the one month (well four weeks!) mark today The physical stuff is long, long gone, so hang in there.

Funnily, reading about other people's horror WD's helped X, but he certainly avoided reading anything about glowing experiences and the wonders of drugs

Reputation Comments on this post:

good advice

[Roy Hobbs]

I'm coming up on +70 hours. Yesterday I felt good enough to walk around the block. I thought that I would really get alot better but I didn't. The cramping/shaking is driving me crazy. I started thinking that this thing is bigger and tougher than me. That was really scary because normally I'm kinda big and tough. I got in my truck and drove around for 2hrs on the dirt roads. That really occupied my thoughts and helped time pass. It also helped to get Lomotil in my system. I'm gonna keep pounding away today. RH

[AvidFan]

You're doing great! If this was bigger and tougher than you, you wouldn't have beat the bastard for 70 hours

Just keep going. One hour at a time if necessary. The worst will be over soon, it feels like it will never stop but it WILL.

Well done on 70 hours, if driving around stops working, find something else that works for another hour.

Good thoughts to you, you can do this

[rokman nash]

Roy don't give up,as I have told you it will soon be better.This is a harder task than you probably imagined,but you can make it.I think you mentioned that you didn't sleep much,but it can truly be your friend if you can manage a couple hours anyway you can.

fight the fight, good thoughts

[award11]

The worst is behind you, don't give up now bro....

[Roy Hobbs]

I'm on day four (I've lost track of the hours) and I'm doing good. I walked 2.5 miles yesterday. I was pretty tired afterward. I slept 5 hours in two stretches last night which was the longest I've slept in awhile. That was good. I am feeling some energy bursts and I feel like my central nervous system is starting to wake up. I'm still working on cramping and the runs but those symptoms are the reason that I started with the drugs in the first place and I expected that they would be a little rougher than normal. Lomotil and Delsym cough syrup have provided the most assistance so far. I'm not desperate like I was yesterday. RH

Reputation Comments on this post:

Good to hear you're still clean. Keep it up man, you can beat it. On a side note you may want to use "SWIM" or...

[AvidFan]

Sound like you are near the peak of the hill, and will be over the worst soon.

I can't remember where I heard or read this (might have been on this forum!) but there's a saying, if you're going through hell, keep going! You can come out on the other side, I'm cheering you all the way

[Richard_smoker]

HELL YEAH!!

I told you that delsym was good shit! As well as the exercise!!

you're really close it sounds like to turning the corner...that was pretty damn fast! The energy bursts are AWESOME! For me those kept getting longer and longer (came in 'waves'). After a few weeks of having my energetic waves almost TOUCHING the last waves, then i finally just started to KINDA mellow-out again.

sounds like you're doing terrific if you managed to walk 2.5 miles. that really will be a god-send for you from now on. and if you've got a friend/brother/neighbor/cousin/co-worker who will do something with you like play tennis or raquetball (competitively)---or, if you've ever played a sport that is available to adults--then you should get someone who either knows about your situation or you can say you have mono or something... that kind of exercise feels like MAINLING a walk around the neighborhood. I'd give it at least 2-3 weeks from now though. we don't want you to pull something. -DICK

[Richard_smoker]

Roy???

bro, you still with us?

hope you're doing ok. usually it's a good sign when someone stops visiting a site called "DRUGS-forum", but we just wanna know for sure... don't be a stranger. we're definitely worried about you. -DICK

[youdontknow]

yeah uve got the withdraw effects that i hated so much before i started methadone. Runny eyes, aches, basically just like a really bad ass cold huh. If you can do it on you own then more power to you man. I wish i coulld have quit cold turkey.

If you want to do it without feeling like shit i would suggest finding a doc that scribes suboxone. A quick google search will find that for you.

Good luck man!