Journal - Hi all..SWIM's codeine addiction

[Rainbowzz]

SWIM is trying to come clean from codeine.. was up to about 32 tylenol 1's a day/about eight T3's a day. SWIM has also beein taking oxy every so often and is now trying to get clean. Also has fibromyalgia and severe back problems and mobility problems so cannot get totally clean as must take the Tylenol 3 to be able to function.

Just came out to family and spent night in hospital, now SWIM's Mom is handling all Tylneol 3s so they get three a day as per doc.

Withdrawls are hell.. even though SWIM knows that the dose they have been taking is small.. SWIM has been taking this much codeine for almost a year. The depression without it and the lack of motivation is crippling as SWIM is also the mother of a ten month old. Swim knows that she needs to be clean for her son but its just so hard.

SWIM has been smoking small amounts of marijuana to try to stave off the pain from the pain condition, and it works, but is currently out.

SWIM is feeling rather hopeless and agitated. SWIM just read Patient X's story and has a little bit of hope, but is having a hard time with depression. Should add that SWIM also has co-morbid mental health issues - specifically PTSD,Borderline personality and severe Panic Disorder. IT just all is seeming to much and SWIM just wants to give up even though she knows she is killing her liver with the tylenol.

Hoping to get ideas and hope from all the other SWIMS out there.

[Gradient]

Rainbowzz,

Swim understands how difficult an opiate dependancy can be. Have you looked into Tramadol? While it isn't a true opiate, it has activity at mu-opioid receptors. It also has effects upon serotonin and norepinephrine, acting similarly to an antidepressant (PM me if you're interested in more specific information - or just look around the internet). While dependency certainly remains an issue - despite a strangely held view that Tramadol is characterized by no dependancy potential - it may help alleviate many of the negative effects of opiate withdrawal while maintaining a functional lifestyle. It also isn't very difficult to obtain discretely.

With a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, however, it shouldn't be overly difficult for swiy to obtain prescriptions for true opiates - if that is indeed appealing to you.

Good luck Rainbowzz.

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanks for the reccomendation of tramadol, although it was already tried it was a good suggestion!

[Rainbowzz]

SWIM gives thanks for SWIY's post.

Tramadol has been tried and was completely ineffective for the level of pain experienced by SWIM SWIM has a severe case of Fibro and also has degenerative discs and scoliosis and kyphosis and an unstable sacrum, leading to high levels of pain and mobility issues.

SWIM thanks you for the suggestion however!

Rainbowzz added 5 Minutes and 32 Seconds later...

SWIM wants to add that she was once an addict of Extacy, Meth, PCP, Ketamine, everything you could think of except heroin and crack. SWIM got clean from everything as soon as she found out she was pregnant with her son. Thus, SWIM has hope that she can get a handle on this addiction as well. SWIM did it once so swim should be able to do it again! But there is still that part of SWIM that says "come on, its just small.. your liver can recover and you can quit next week/next day/next month/next year/some other time"

Swim is reminded of Patient X's Good Angel and Bad angel and relates to that very much.

The worst is because it is so small a dose of drug to be addicted to, SWIM feels like she is making a big deal out of nothing compared to other SWIY's with major heroin addiction.

SWIM is struggling but remains hopeful to get a handle on all the issues.

[AvidFan]

X is just popping in to lend some support and to wish SWIRainbowzz well. No addiction is small. Opiate addiction is a real bitch, but other addictions are just as powerful - people can be physically addicted to gambling, sex, shopping, just about anything, because of how addiction hijacks the brain's neurochemical processes and plays about with its reward centres through dopamine release, etc. Opiates just add to the problems addiction can already psychologically and physically pose.

Not sure if the idea is to come off codeine, or to somehow get the pain relief without the acetaminophen in the Tylenol - if so there are better ways of getting the pain relief without eating all that bad stuff. Then again, X is not convinced about the use of opiates for long term pain management (except in the terminally ill) as the dose will just need to keep going up, and up, and up. It's a balancing act.

Talk to SWIY's doctor if you can. This link may be of interest:

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/540128_4

In fact do a lot of googling before speaking to the doctor - ask them if SWIY can try different things, arm SWIYourself with research, etc, if SWIY can. Not sure how the system works in Canada, but there has to be a better way of managing the conditions than eating all those tylenols.

X wishes SWIRainbowzz the very best in finding the right path. Remember, Good Angel CAN win. X (and the great Dr D, and Rokman Nash, Richard Smoker et al) are current living proof, although doubt SWIus have experienced so much pain

Good luck, will try to offer as much support as possible.

[Rainbowzz]

SWI all of you are just wonderful. I am so glad SWIM decided to have me post here about her issues.

Unfortunately SWIM managed to con her mom into giving her the bottle of tylenol 1's today, and has dosed 12 of the little bastards. Just a little, for a lift, to get rid of the frustration and hating the feeling of being in my own skin.

SWIM has decided, though, although very scared to, reveal to psychiatrist some things she has been keeping secret - I.E. - SWIMs past hard drug use for years(XTC,METH,Coke,Ketamine,Mushrooms - everything except heroin and crack pretty much) and SWIMs current problem with codeine. SWIM is hoping anxiety meds(benzos) are not withdrawn completely as she has been on them for about thirteen years for anxiety and requires them or goes through viscious anxiety attacks. SWIM hopes that Doc can find a way to help her manage this and get to a point where SWIM is comfortable in her own skin, which is most of the reason SWIM takes the little buggers, although she does NEED them from time to time for pain, she doesnt need the doses she takes. SWIM feels like she just doesn't like how she feels.. depression perhaps, anxiety too, comorbid MH issues need to be dealt with. SWIM has decided to stop pretending to be well and fine mentally and actually reach out to people IRL and online and let them know that, okay, maybe she is NOT totally ok.. and maybe thats all right. SWIM has a hard time doing that being a mom of a ten month old because she really feels like she should be strong for her son. But SWIM is starting to realize that by doing that she is making everything worse in the long run, and its better to ask for help now when its needed then wait until the floodgates let go and all hell breaks loose.

SWIM thanks everyone of SWIY and is here to support too - SWIM beleives that healing comes from support and work in supporting other addicts, and is only a PM away if anyone of SWIY needs to vent, rant, talk, heal, ect.

SWIM had a slip today, but will go back to trying tomorrow. Everyday is new, and that is what SWIM is focusing on. So today SWIM fell off the bandwagon, but tomorrow SWIM can try again. SWIM's pretty frustrated by the fact that she knows the withdrawls will start all over again when she had a few good days.. and SWIM knows its a low dose but gets the withdrawls all the same.

Anyways, lol, SWIM is ranting now and babbling so will close here. May add more as the day goes on.

[AvidFan]

Well feel free to babble if it helps.

This may be a bit Zen or something, but you can only start where you are right now. A journey of ten thousand miles starts with a single footstep.

I think amid the babble (lol), SWIY has taken the first few steps by acknowledging the situation, posting here, and deciding to start trying

[Rainbowzz]

*sigh*

SWIM is writing this day off totally. Swim ended up taking another twelve pills a short while ago because the first lift was so nice she wanted another lift. SWIM is now left feeling rather guilty, because she actually stole the pills from her mothers during dinner because SWIM's mom didnt hide the little you know whats well enough. SWIM is realizing that SWIM is really doing some addict-y stuff and behaviors. SWIM is still hopeful though that tomorrow will be a better day. SWIM does use marijuana for pain and to keep off the pills, and SWIM will be getting some tomorrow. SWIM is hoping that will take the edge off both the pain and the cravings and withdrawls enough to keep AWAY from the little pills.

SWIM really is wishing she never discovered codeine.

SWIM also was reading that codeine gets converted into morphine to some degree in the body - so SWIM now understands and accepts alot better that even though it seems a weak drug and small dose to get addicted to, it really has some relativity to the harder stuff. Makes more sense anyways.

SWIM has some questions and is going to be absolutely frank. SWIM needs to handle withdrawls when they hit tomorrow. The worst ones SWIM experiences are "the trots" - ha ha. How embarassing. And SWIM means MAJOR intestinal upset.. How else can swim handle the "trots" and the cramping that comes?

The other thing SWIM experiences is severe nausea. SWIM is thinking of getting some dimenhydrinate(gravol here in canada) to try and quell the nausea. Is this a good idea? Swim has heard that dimen can also be addictive and doesnt want to start in on something thats just going to lead down the same damned path. Because it IS a "DAMNED" path. Yeesh.

SWIM is thankful for cigarettes though. Ha Ha. SWIM hopes to quit those too but has decided to crack one whip at a time so as not to overtax the system.

[mashed]

hi swiy
swiy sounds soo like me,swim could have wrote that.
swim is heavily addicted to codeine too,swim takes about 1200mg a day of the stuff,swim knows how you feel,theres not much swim can say except good luck and swim is here if swiy needs another female to talk to

[dawnies07]

Hey again Rainbowzz,

I posted to you on SWIMS thread but just wanted to add something to it...SWIM also suffers from anxiety problems and battles with depression....SWIMs doctor prescribes her valium from time to time but SWIM only takes them rarely and when really needed...like in the throws of an anxiety attack......
SWIM was thinking of using the valium to help her come off the codeine.....have you ever tried this?? Though they might help SWIM sleep maybe...though I have read that nothing helps you sleep in the first few days of codeine withdrawal...
I really feel for you!! You have alot of ailments that pain control is going to be difficult for without opiates....
But SWIM and SWIY will do this for our kids!! They just have to!

[Rainbowzz]

Hi everyone,
SWIM has been a bad girl the last few days, with the partying of NYE SWIM just sort of avoided quitting the codeine. Swim has done quite a bit of the stuff the last few days and is feeling like hell.

But... SWIM is going COLD TURKEY tomorrow. SWIM is armed with meds for the withdrawl(for anxiety, clonazepam.. for the diahreeah, DXM as someone suggested although plans to take it easy on this stuff because shes very sensitive, and lots of good non narcotic pain releivers.

SWIM knows its going to be a hellish few days, but SWIM has marijuana to smoke and these other ways to cope so SWIM is going for it full throttle. SWIM also got referred to a local psychologist to help her with the mental health issues(its about time swim dealt with them the RIGHT way not the wrong way) and plans to go twice a week for the first little while.

SWIM has come to realize that anything less than cold turkey just wont work, because SWIM truly is addicted and if given an inch will take a mile.. SWIM also realized that she really doesnt have fun on codeine anymore at the dose she takes. It does give her a lift, but at the dose shes taking also makes her sketchy from it or maybe all the caffeine in it, and then SWIM spends hours wanting it to go away and be normal again. Yet swim still feels this NEED to take it every single FRICKEN day.

Of course, this would happen when SWIM happens to have just gotten an extremely bad ear infection and is in mega pain, but its just not WORTH IT to swim anymore to keep on this path. SWIM had alot today and now just feels sketchy, sick to her stomach and edgy.

SO tomorrow is DAY 1. And then on to the rest of her life.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Well done for bringing your problem to the forum - a positive step good luck!

[Dickon]

Hello Rainbowzz,

I am really glad you are trying to quit the codeine. I remember when I first came on here 2 days before my cat gave up methadone (another opiate drug, or opioid if you're a pedant) someone came to the thread I'd started and asked me some questions. This helped me, as although I had answers to them, it was useful to articulate these answers. My cat is now about 75 days away from his last use of any opiate. I can vouch for the fact that DF can be a really valuable tool. The thread I wrote is called "Screaming in the night air...", and it's in this section. But back to the questions:

What is different about tomorrow?
Do you have an adequate pain management strategy without using opiates?
If you didn't have to contend with withdrawals, what drugs medical and recreational would you like to take or think you would need to take to deal with your symptoms?
Have you a clear idea how much work might be involved getting and staying off codeine?

I can see you standing at the edge of a scary precipice, and I would like to know what is going to make you take that step into the unknown.

There are many here who have been in your position. You have already met the wise and learned Avid !! I think you've seen his inspiring "Patient X" thread. One final piece of practical advice (from Dickon the parrot) is to try to obtain some alpha-2-adrenergic agonist if the withdrawals become too difficult. The drugs clonidine and lofexidine both help with withdrawals and are non-addictive. They are worth researching, and care must be taken, particularly with clonidine, as it can affect the blood pressure. Do not take these medicines without understanding what you are doing however.

Best of luck with quitting. You CAN do it, but only if you want to.

Dickon

[AvidFan]

Good luck RBz.

Just to echo what Dickon said, you have to really want it - and know WHY you want it, as this desire is what is needed to drag SWIY through the hard parts. And those strategies need to be in place - mental and physical.

We're here for you

[dawnies07]

Swim can totally sympathise in every way with what swiy is going through!! Swim could have wrote that herself about feeling so lousy with codeine now and it not being worth it!!

Swim is starting to think more and more that stopping completely (rather than tapering)is the most successful method to try and swim is due to get valium from docs in a week (swim suffers from anxiety problems and is also going to be attending a psychologist starting in few weeks hopefully) which she hopes will relieve the withdrawals some....
Swim cant help thinking she is just thinking of reasons to delay the inevitable by saying things like ....waiting on valium etc...but just wants to be as well armed as possible (like you) to give this attempt more chance of being successful.....swim imagines if she could just get through even one day without them that it would help swiy be much more determined to stay off as swim and swiy dont want to have to keep starting the whole process again!
Its terrific thay swiy has come to that place where she is ready to do this....the hard way! It actually encourages swim to do the same!

[Rainbowzz]

sorry i havent been here guys, i have to admit I have been avoiding and just taking the damn pills. I think i was trying to be too much of a hero, and it ended up just making things worse.

Now im trying to go down by half a pill a day, sometimes every two days.Its painfully slow, but it seems to be working. In that I don't get as hellishly sick. I am too really thinking that this will need to be worked on with my new therapist im referred to, who i wont see for another couple of weeks.. so in my heart im feeling that I probably wont cold turkey or come down a significant amount until then. But, im hoping to cut back to at least a normal dose. That way I am not hurting myself with all the tylenol.

So i am here, sorry I have been quiet but i felt like a right arsehole for seeming so into cold turkeying one minute then being back on them the next minute.

one day at a time i suppose.

Rainbowzz added 12 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...

Originally Posted by Dickon

Hello Rainbowzz,

I am really glad you are trying to quit the codeine. I remember when I first came on here 2 days before my cat gave up methadone (another opiate drug, or opioid if you're a pedant) someone came to the thread I'd started and asked me some questions. This helped me, as although I had answers to them, it was useful to articulate these answers. My cat is now about 75 days away from his last use of any opiate. I can vouch for the fact that DF can be a really valuable tool. The thread I wrote is called "Screaming in the night air...", and it's in this section. But back to the questions:

What is different about tomorrow?
Do you have an adequate pain management strategy without using opiates?
If you didn't have to contend with withdrawals, what drugs medical and recreational would you like to take or think you would need to take to deal with your symptoms?
Have you a clear idea how much work might be involved getting and staying off codeine?

I can see you standing at the edge of a scary precipice, and I would like to know what is going to make you take that step into the unknown.

There are many here who have been in your position. You have already met the wise and learned Avid !! I think you've seen his inspiring "Patient X" thread. One final piece of practical advice (from Dickon the parrot) is to try to obtain some alpha-2-adrenergic agonist if the withdrawals become too difficult. The drugs clonidine and lofexidine both help with withdrawals and are non-addictive. They are worth researching, and care must be taken, particularly with clonidine, as it can affect the blood pressure. Do not take these medicines without understanding what you are doing however.

Best of luck with quitting. You CAN do it, but only if you want to.

Dickon

Dickon thanks for your posts! Those are some really tough questions, but good ones! I will try to answer as best I can:

-What is different about tomorrow?
Well, this sounds absurdly simple, but if i have screwed up today i take solace in that tomorrow is a new day.. sort of a new birth if you will, and i can start over. its like a fresh page - and sometimes that can be kind of scary in itself, but I am greatful for the new day. It sounds cliche but thats the way i veiw it.

-Do you have an adequate pain management strategy without using opiates?

Here is the hard one. I'm not sure my pain CAN be managed in a way thats adequate without taking some sort of opiate drug, and I HATE that. Its driving me crazy! The only drug that really works is toradol, and that can only be taken for a few days at a time because its so strong. If i could go and get a shot of toradol every morning i would be good to go. But again that drug is reccomended for no more than five days at a time.

I can do other things to stave off having to take pills though - for example. hot baths, which help loosen me up and take the pain out of my muscles some. I can wear heat patches too for the same reason. I do try and take OTC pain releivers, but mostly they dont work. So i may have to come to the realization that i need some sort of opiate in order to function, at least some of the time(for example only take pill when i need to be active and up and around alot or whatnot) but its whether i can keep it to a normal level or not that i wonder. It obviously didnt work to have my mom keep my pills because i got into them anyway so thats out. Gotta find a way to do this, obviously my will power is not strong enough on my own.

-If you didn't have to contend with withdrawals, what drugs medical and recreational would you like to take or think you would need to take to deal with your symptoms?

I'd like to explore herbals some more.. Im wondering if there wouldnt be something suitable for pain/anxiety/depression/energy that i could take that would help with the reasons i am taking the pills in the first place. I've bought a container of ginseng to try to see if it gives me some energy that is much needed to combat the fatigue. I am going to have to do some research on what i can take as i have mild heart arrythmias and so i cant really mess with much stimulant wise. plus having high blood pressure, i dont want to mess with that either. But the point comes down to that I am in pain/anxious/exhausted/depressed all the time and i dont think i should have to settle for that being an everyday thing.

Speaking of meds, i think too that speaking up about the fact that the psych meds i take dont seem to be effective anymore would be a good thing. I've bene on these meds since 2005 and i think ive wore them out, as they dont seeem to be effective since about sx months. Im still getting somewhat good control from them, but am left with the anxiety and depression so i think i could stand to find a better combination.

I will be back to answer more questions later, baby is up.

[AvidFan]

SWIY is not an arsehole, lol, just human. Remember, X did not manage to come off the stuff the first time he tried (nor the second, third, fourth...). Don't be TOO hard on yourself, but then again don't be too easy (it can be one of addiction's tricks to actually reward you for your effort to quit - there, I tried, well done, now I can use again).

Not got much time, but will just say stick at it - and try to learn from the current experience. The information gathering is being done, at least, and the questions being asked and answered.

Good luck with the continued efforts

[Rainbowzz]

well everyone, its been very up and down. I havent felt like posting because im still abusing every few days.. god help me but the withdrawls and terribly cramping stomach pain just gets me and i end up taking enough to kill the withdrawls, which at this point is still too much.

I AM making SOME progress.. it seems to be the withdrawls(physical) that end up in me relapsing.. I cant even begin to describe.. well i guess I can..its like having the worst case of gastroenteritis(yukky i know) that you have ever had, the cramping and, ill be frank, running to the washroom every five min that gets me. Add to that the anxiety, restlessness and restless legs at night, lack of motivation and energy and of course, the rebound pain.. its just so much to deal with. I've been avoiding this forum because for some reason i feel if im not managing i dont deserve to post.. and that I am embarassed to say I havent managed to quit yet.. or at LEAST get back to the level my doc says to take if i need it. See thats the thing, I can accept that I may always have to occasionally use codeine for the fibro - but with me it seems an inch is a mile if you know what I mean. Its a big problem right now because my tolerance is so high that the regular amount does nothing for pain.. i have to take enormous amounts. So i really need to get back to square one, and the only way I am going to do that is if i get off completely for a couple of weeks. I need to do this, but its so damned hard. I have always had a hard time with the physical side of things. Like with my anxiety, i have a hard time with the physical manifestations of panic attacks - the mental i can usually handle. Its the feeling like a heart attack in my chest that gets me out of control. So with the withdrawls thats whats holding me back now.

I also realized that some part of me has this indignant little voice who doesnt WANT to stop. Thats the voice that wants to be able to use codeine for energy and motivation and that little bit of euphoria. That voice says things like "Quit? Why? I dont want to. You Cant Make Me.nah Nah Nah boo boo." And it sounds like a childish eight year old who wont put away the toys..lol if that makes sense.

So here I am, just me, not totally better but trying at the very least. I have an appointment with a therapist in a couple of weeks and Im hoping he can help me.

[AvidFan]

Originally Posted by Rainbowzz

I also realized that some part of me has this indignant little voice who doesnt WANT to stop. Thats the voice that wants to be able to use codeine for energy and motivation and that little bit of euphoria. That voice says things like "Quit? Why? I dont want to. You Cant Make Me.nah Nah Nah boo boo." And it sounds like a childish eight year old who wont put away the toys..lol if that makes sense.

That makes perfect sense - Patient X came to see Bad Angel as a five year old in the end, screaming and shouting and crying because it wants its candy and can't understand why you won't give it to it... It's great to be in touch with one's inner child, but that child can be a spoilt brat, and is I believe a core part of why addiction happens - its the infantile part of the brain that wants to be satisfied right here, right now, and doesn't care about the next hour, tomorrow, or next week, or the rest of your life.

[Rainbowzz]

Eeek. forgot to use SWIM. Can't edit yet though. Shoot.

Well SWIM is happy to report she is two days sober at this point. the withdrawls are already getting easier to deal with.. the cramping is slowing down,still running ot the washroom all the time but making progress.

SWIM is having some major cravings though, being its friday, and it seems like SWIM should be able to use on a friday, after all its just a friday, and everyone parties on fridays right? WRONG. Not falling for it this time. SWIM has no codeine and doesnt have any money, so all the more reason to keep on trucking. SWIM is basically reminding herself that the worst two days are over, and if she uses alot again(keeping in mind that swim wil have to use occasionally for pain condition) she is going to up her tolerance and be back at square one with withdrawls - and thats no good. SWIM REALLY doesnt want to do this again if she doesn't have to.

Talked to doc, doc suggests only giving me 21 pills at a time for a two week period. Thats basically one a day, two if necessary of the tylenol 3's. Swim is happy with this because swim realized that if she goes nuts with it on day one, shes got none left for the next two weeks, and thats not a happy situation if she wakes up in alot of pain. Swim again does need pain control and this is just somehting she is going to have to deal with. SWIM basically gave up on leaving the pills with her mother - because obviously it didnt work. SWIM just took the pills when her mother wasn't looking and mother didnt really even say anything. So thats not going to be the way to go.

So, TWO DAYS! hurrah. SWIM feels really confidant today, and is telling that nagging little voice to go F*** itself.

Hopefull that this will keep on the same path!

[Rainbowzz]

So... FOUR DAYS off the pills. Feeling really good with almost no withdrawls now.. but temptations are still there too. A bit achy, but trying to get at least a good few weeks distance from the meds so that When i take it again I can moderate the use better.(as i mentioned before there will be times im required to take it just to get through the day because of pain)

Its getting easier by the day though. Whhoo hoo!

Reputation Comments on this post:

you are a great resource on here and thanks for sharing your story

[wonky]

SWIM just read this thread and she is happy for SWIY and her 4 days off of opiates. So days 1 & 2 were the worst for SWIY? SWIY knows it will get better from here, SWIY just needs to take care of herself; drink water, rest, try to eat good, blah, blah. SWIM is hoping SWIY recovers quickly. SWIM is tapering, not doing bad, kind of a dowhill slide this afternoon. Everday is different with a taper. Keep up the good work.

[Rainbowzz]

Okay... Swim has had to take the pills today and yesterday, but is proud to say she stuck to the doctors orders! Swim is absolutely ready to flush the rest of the pills if she can't stick to the orders. Swim is having a right bad couple of days, alot of major pain.. of course it would be just when SWIM gets off the drugs that she would get hit with a fibro flare. If swim didn't take anything though swim would be unable to look after her son.

SWIM has noted though, she has taken the pills only two days out of seven, which is a HUGE improvement from what she was taking even just for pain. It seems the new drug swim is on, nortrypyline, is helping handle the pain.

Swim wont lie. shes liking the feel of the drugs in her system, but Swim is being VERY watchful in case she wants to take more - she absolutely refuses to take anymore than doctors orders.

So is this a setback? It could be, so swim is going to have to be watchful and mindful. But SWIM let it go until she absolutely HAD to take something or cry her eyes out with pain.

Stupid pain, SWIM hates having this condition. Swims still not happy about taking the pills but is trying to be realistic.

SWIM remembers someone mentioning a new pain med thats out and non addictive, does any SWIY remember what the name of it was and the details? Swim just wishes she would never have to take the pills.

[Rainbowzz]

Hi all!

SWIM is still around.. sorry its been so long since swim posted.

SWIM got five days, relapsed, got another five days, and has been in a relapse for several days now.

SWIM however, knows whats going on this time.

Just when swim got over the major withdrawls and had this great feeling of never doing the shit again, SWIM(who is mildly bipolar) had four days of hypomania..felt great, stayed clean the whole time, did smoke some weed, but felt no NEED to take the drugs, because swim had tons of energy and was happy happy happy. Swim wishes this ended with this but it doesn't...

Now for every bipolar up, there is always a down. and boy, did swim hit the down. In a matter of hours one morning, swims mood just plummeted. The most negative thoughts you could possibly think of. Swim would never EVER kill herself, but has to admit that the thoughts were in her head.

So thats where swim has been for the last little while.. just kind of gave up on stopping the codeine because right now dealing with the depression and getting through it seems to be a little more important. SWIM has an appointment with the doctor in a couple of days, plans to report all of this to him and asking for a complete medication overhaul with psych meds. Also going to be asking for a benzo(probably alprazolam) for two weeks 3x a day, then 1 week 2x a day, then 1 week 1x a day then stop. This is because with the depression swim has horrible anxiety too(yay panic disorder) and is just about crawling out of her skin/not sleeping/constantly paranoid she is dying.

So its not really good news, swim is afraid, but swim wanted to keep the story going here. Swim thinks that this is not the end, just needs to get a handle on the emotional side of things before she gives up her crutch for good.

[AvidFan]

Hey, every lapse/relapse is a learning experience, not a mistake (positive psychobabble bullshit maybe but has a grain of truth in it!) - if X hadn't had so many relapses in the past, he would for sure have thrown 2 months down the drain this week - but somehow he has stayed clean through some serious shit, very bad thoughts, and ideas about doing all sorts of "against the rules" sorts of things. To say his mind has hit rock bottom in terms of emotional distress lately, would be an understatement - but he doesn't want to add to it that awful misery of realizing, after the initial high, that he has fucked up even more...

Next time round may be easier, and SWIY will have more knowledge of how to deal with the beast/monkey/bad angel.

Will send you good vibes

[Rainbowzz]

Soooo...
SWIm hasn't been around much.. she bummed up her right index finger by slicing it on a can lid so couldn't hack typing much.

Things are BETTER! By a long shot.. seven days in again, and doing well. STILL in withdrawl, still running to the washroom, still puking her guts up... but managing!

SWIM did have pretty much a complete mental meltdown and ended up in hospital for two days, in which they changed the meds she was on, and this seems to be helping drastically with cravings/anxiety/all that paws stuff.

Swim still cant type too much but just wanted to pop in with the good news that shes seven days off the codeine!!! thats the longest yet!

[Dickon]

Brilliant. Keep up the good work. We're all rooting for you!

Dickon