Overdose - numb tears

[oneself]

A note i found on the internet. someone says i could copy it. so i did. the below is that note:

Dose: 1350 morning glory seeds
Weight: 138lbs

Extraction Method:
1. Put untreated seeds in a BlendTec blender.
2. Add 500ml of Maya's spring water
3. Turn out all lights from now on
4. Blend for 15-20 seconds on high
5. Store in fridge (unscrew lightbulb)
6. Blend for 2 seconds every 15 minutes
7. After 2 hours filter (swim used a towel)
8. Drink filtered solution quickly in dark

i was waiting for this trip all week. it seemed just thinking about tripping took me to a safe place of hope. i wanted to be somewhere else. just for a day. the world pushed aside, so i don't have to think about all that i dont have.

for the past few months i've been wiping my ass with regular paper because i dont have the energy to go out and buy toilet paper. when i do go out i forget to buy it. but its not a concern.

cockroaches in the kitchen. its been years. generations of cockroaches. a family history living off my filth. most of the time i wont kill them. something in me tells me its wrong. they are just like me, trying to get by with what they have.facing the challenges of life.

+ 0 (10:20am) - took about 900 seeds. i thought that i would start low, just in case. i was stuck between two parallels - take a low amount and maybe not get the effect i wanted. or take a high amount and end of blacking out.

+ 10 min (10:35am) - feel nauseous. i sat still and listened to music to try to settle the sick feeling. i knew i could get rid of it in 2 hours so that gave me a little comfort.

+ 25 min (10:45am) - the screen is already forming a glowing line around the text. like a glittery border. its almost as if the words have more meaning because they have this border. its nice to watch.

+ 40 min (11:00am) - i have a light tingly feeling in arms. feeling relaxed but at the same time weighted down. i don't wanna move. just sit there and watch the world from this view. i see all i need to see that the moment.

+ 1hr 38min (11:18) - floating type feeling. like a sand bag floating on water. still the nausea but i do what i can. the font on the screen in starting to glow more intensely. this concerns me a little because it feels like the effect is coming on too soon. usually it takes about 2 - 3 hours to feel anything. i wonder if i took too much, and know its too late to go back. its time to enjoy the show.

+ 2hr 20min (12:20pm) - the text is flickering quickly. like an old computer screen or a flourscant bulb that needs to be changed. i welcome the flickering. it tells me that something has changed in me and that makes me glad. the whole perpose is to change myself.

+ 2hr 36min (12:36pm) - i can see smooth tracers behind the text. its cool to watch.

+ 3hr (1:00pm) - i have a perma-smile. i'm smiling for no reason. i think about how everything just happens. its the way of things. and that no matter what happens its okay because its just a 'happening.' its supposed to happen. although there is a loss of control with this thinking, there is the gain of not having to worry about events i thought i caused. there is little or no ego present. i'm just a puppet being controlled by some force. i don't know what force, and i know it cannot find out, so i don't try. i just take the world as it is.

+ 3hr 35min (1:35pm) - time is going by quickly. i look at the ceiling as it swirls in circles. it feels nice to know the seeds are work but i want them to work even more. i want the ceiling to have bigger swirrels.

+ 4 hr (2:00pm) - i still feel nausous. my blood feels like there is a poison inside. at this time i don't even know what a poison will do. i just sit there. i know i want to experience more swirls and to do that i have to drink the rest of the solution. i feel as though if i drink it i might throw it up right on the spot, but i know i have to take the chance. maybe i can keep it down for about 20 minutes. just long enough to make it work.

so i take the rest of the seeds (350) for a total of 1350 seeds.

+ 4 hr 12min (2:12pm) - the screen is waving. and flickering. its zooming in a little and then zooming out.

+ 4 hr 55min (2:43pm) - the text on the screen looks cool. i don't remember what it looks like. i only know this by my undescriptive log: "text looks cool"

+ 5hr 53min (4:36pm) - my hands are leaving tracers. i move them quickly to see the images left behind. moving in patterns and drawing things in the air. i move my hand in different positions and then snap away quickly to see the result of the image still in my mind. imprinted some how. slowly fading away. so smooth. then gone. when i move, it happens again. everything traces top of itself. like a translucense of some kind.


+ 5hr 55min (4:38) - log. "thogut cat was look at me - wanst". i remember it well. i looked and thought i saw my cat, and as i kept looking i realised nothing was there. i was just laying there and called the cat. it was more like a mumble then anything but the cat understood nonetheless. she came over purring. i pet her and then reached out to pet her again only to grab air. this happened several times during the night.

the cats meowing was pain so easily relieved by attention and petting. i was thinking about how the cat can suffer mentally just like us humans. people shoo them off like some sort of bug. but they are trying to tell us something. and when they reach out they are battered down. then when we want, we pet them. who is in control here.



+ 6 hr 41min (5:19pm) - "so much enry to type . slw. i see things as teh end relse happy.\" meant that just typing took alot of energy. it was like trying to set an alarm when half asleep.

i see things as the end result. i could think about a situation or object and know it was meant to be. there was no in the middle thinking. just the straight answer coming out. when i was on mIRC talking to depressed people i wanted to help them but couldn't. my advice would be taken as a misunderstanding or insult. they might say they are feeling bad. i wouldn't say why, because that didn't matter. everything just happened. the answer inside me was 'in time you'll be better', but i didn't typed that. i just gave hugs. so they would know i was there listening.

i broke a bulb somehow when i tried to screw it in to turn it on. no reaction. i just thought that this was meant to be. i quickly cleaned it it and made sure all the pieces were gone so the cat wouldn't get hurt.

+ 7 hr (6:00pm) - things are turning into cartoon images. not much to say here. open eye visual and closed eye visuals. visuals during blinking. cartoon neighboorhoods. cartoon cats filling the visual of my perception. stacked on eachother turned sideways and upside down. they are all happy.

+ 9 hr 24min (9:24p) - i walk like i'm drunk. stumbling to things. falling down because i went to lean on a peice of wall that didnt exist. taste is gone. water has no value.

i am shaking uncontrollably. i look like a homeless person and at that time i wonder if homeless people are suffering the effects that i do. my hands, spine, legs, head quiver into spasms. helplesslessly i realise that only time will solve this. i will wait it out and use time in the best way i can during. i look in the mirror. i look like i have a mental disease shaking like i am. there is no way to stop the shaking. it just happens.

i continue to talk online to some people having hard times with stress. i myself would like hug. not advice. just a hug. to know i am there, and heard. i feel positve that the outcome will be good. my emotional intelligence is quite good given the circumstance.

i hear people in desperate need of help. suicidle people. people in a state of extreem anxiety. people mentally drowning. i want to help, but somehow just typing seems to take so much energy. to move my hands from near the keyboard to keyboard was a big take. kinda like moving a numb limb. then typing. my gosh. it came out differently than what i meant. i found that any extra unnessary letter was fuel being used. i could barely keep my eyes open because even took a high amount of energy. i wasn't tired. i just felt drained.

so a person was getting mad at me. they were really upset and i couldn't calm them down. after a while i had to face it that i couldn't help. a person joined in on the conversation asking the upset person how they could help. she just asked to be left alone. and here peope asking her whats wrong with her. its hard to explain but i saw it perfectly as if looking at a scene from an eagles eye view. she got mad at these people. they got mad at her and it got ruff. no intervention could help my or her case. i tried and it didnt' work. i know that time was the answer and i wanted to be there for her when she needed me.

time ? a few hours after - the girl that was mad had si'd. she told me. i'm numb and don't know what to do. she says she is sorry and i say there is no need to be sorry, because i didn't blame her for anything. in my eyes she is always good. but she is still sorry. maybe she thinks that this has put a bad image in my mind. it hasnt'. there is no good or bad for me. just what is. and i dont know what that is.

i start crying. i'm not sure why. and for a brief 5 seconds i feel pain. then it is gone. i am still crying. its like a regular body function just happening. hot tears running down my face. i am so numb. so tired to type. so sick with a poisonous chemical running in my viens. making me shake and quiver. but i am numb. staring. helpless, but not feeling helpless. i stare. knowing time will heal me.

the upset girl gave me a youtube link to a song that she said she listened to often. its about wanting to be comforted but feeling helpless to get better. amazing song that i could relate to. called 'lull' buy blindspott.

i wanted help the whole night. but feel people are viewing me as a dirty parasite. they dont wanna get close to me. not even in a chat over thousands of miles, i am (to them) a disease they cannot relate to. something to be pushed aside and forgotten. i don't blame them. what could they do anyways, when only time can heal? i know this myself. i use my energy to try to help others as best i can.

27 hrs 36 min (1:56pm - next day) i wake up. shaking, but not as much. its been a learning experience. i realise that i must clean up my system if i am going to pass the interview a couple days from now.

30 hrs 6 min (4:42pm - next day) i go shopping. i am paranoid that people are following me. still shaking. a few homeless people try to talk to me. first time ever. i suppose its just my demenor because its never happened before. not much appealed to me. bought olives. spinach, grapefuit, blackberries, blackglutenous rice, dry oatmeal,apples.
some homeless people talked to me. i didnt undersntand and just said, 'no'
and kept walking. felt like i was being followed. i was a mess.

3 hrs 38 min (8:00pm - next day) - shaking. this is the time i am typing all of this. what a learning experience. i have work tomorrow and after that a interview. i only hope that i am prepared for work. an experience to say the least. i'm tired of typing. i wanted to get this out of my system. i won't be doing this for a while. the body load is still very high. i just wanna relax.

and i'm gonna do that. bye.

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanks for sharing report....remember to add it in the LSA experience reports