UK - Amy Winehouse Drying Up World's Supply of Illegal Drugs

[Synesthesiac]

Amy Winehouse Drying Up World's Supply of Illegal Drugs



A new report released by the International Narcotics Control Board (INCB) indicates that English singer-songwriter Amy Winehouse is single handedly drying up the world's supply of illegal drugs by doing them all. According to the report, the flow of narcotics across most international borders has declined dramatically over the last 6 months - including an 89% drop in the United States - as the vast majority of heroin, cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines produced around the globe is being funneled into Great Britain.

Initially panicked by the enormous sudden influx into their country, British officials' fears have been allayed by the knowledge that the vast majority of the drugs are being consumed by one person. "Like a vacuum cleaner its shape somewhat resembles, today's Britain is cleaning up the world - thanks to our native hero, Ms. Amy Winehouse," said Secretary of the British Drug Enforcement Commission Ian Roberts, adding, "How any person can do that many drugs is beyond me."



While Ms. Winehouse's contribution to the global war on drugs is certainly worthy of its praise, the relatively abrupt evaporation of drugs around the world sans any concomitant reduction in demand is engendering a host of other problems, authorities say.

"Ostensibly, the hording of the entire world's supply of drugs by one particularly dysfunctional blues singer sounds wonderful, but the reality on the street is that I've got a city full of addicts all withdrawaling at the same time, and it's not pretty," remarked Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaragoisa. Indeed, reports from around the world paint a grim picture of the repercussions of Amy Winehouse's prodigious appetite for narcotics as hospital emergency rooms and police stations have become choked with drug addicts who have attempted to replace their normal fix with toxic substances or have injured themselves or others in frenzied acts of violence.

"I thought the junkies downtown were a bit unsightly before, but they were still pretty much harmless and at least pretended to want your money so they could buy food," said Rebecca Kolb of St. Louis, Missouri, "But now you can't walk half a block without some twitching derelict asking you for smack or crank. This one woman asked my five year-old daughter if she was holding any 'H', and when she said no, she called her a lying slut."

http://www.newsmutiny.com/pages/Ente...ouseDrugs.html

Didn't realise this was satirical to begin with and was going to put it in the propeganda section

Reputation Comments on this post:

	nice find ;)
	Funny News story
	best article in ages, great find

[porchy]

Lol! Awesome.

[Samadhi]

ahahaha good article she looks absolutely crazed and the funny thing about this is it is almost believable.

Maybe she is where all the good acid from europe is going...

I've got a bad pop-soul singer to hunt now...

[PsychoActivist]

"This one woman asked my five year-old daughter if she was holding any 'H', and when she said no, she called her a lying slut!"

Best line ever! lol.

(SWIM realizes "lol posts" are not considered quality posts)

[JDreaming]

No fair, Amy! Leave something around for the rest of us.

[Synesthesiac]

I saw her when she was sober at a gig, and god shes a lot better after shes dabbled in a few drugs! though when she does too much she can be just as bad as when she hasn't done any...

Hey, whats with the one star rating? Its supposed to be a JOKE! Jeez, some people have no sense of humour. It cracked me up anyway

[enquirewithin]

How selfish! Can't she leave any for anyone else?

[welshmick]

Originally Posted by enquirewithin

How selfish! Can't she leave any for anyone else?

Oh No no no

[guldenat]

She's garbage. She once said, “I'll beat up Blake when I'm drunk...If he says one thing I don't like then I'll chin him.”

Sorry honey, domestic abuse isn't funny or acceptable even if you don't have a penis.

I guess it was only a matter of time that her instability and drug use saw more press... though this article is hilarious! It gave me an excuse to let off some steam about this nut.

[abraham]

dammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmn. Thats the worse I've seen her yet. I give her a year maybe a year and a half. I''ve seen her a few times, wish she would clean up her act a little. Not saying go sober, but damn.

[Jasim]

Lol, that's great. I'm just now seeing this.

[Sven99]

At the risk of posting a 'me too' post, I agree. Awesome article. Manages to highlight some drug war hypocrisy while simultaneously making the reader giggle at the extremely well presented silliness.

[RoboCodeine7610]

I wish she lived in Saudi...

[RX420]

you know, shes actually a really good singer. she needs to just stick with the herb and maybe some coke here and there. chill with the meth and H and shit. looks like shes already dead and they put her skin back on.

although my pet dog would gladly take it all off her hands...

[youdontknow]

i think its funny when users make fun of users.

Hows that line go, the pot calling the kettle black?

youdontknow added 0 Minutes and 55 Seconds later...

The only reason her drug habit seems so ad is cause shes famous and the media blows it out of proportion, put yourselves in that position