Journal - Patient X's Oxycodone Withdrawal Story

[Lisa J]

Pleased to hear X is still in the fight, just remember that X is dealing with a hell of a lot of stress at the moment and this is the time a slip could happen. SWIM has also found that a risky period is the calm after the stress has ended, it's like taking your eye off the ball, try to be ready for it. If X did slip up it wouldn't mean instant failure either, just learn from it and move on, X has come too far to waste such effort. Good luck

[Dickon]

It sounds like you've done well X. Every time you face a challenge without using you will get stronger in your recovery. It will be one more lesson in what you are able to endure without using. But let's face it, almost without exception we've been through worse, in those first clean days! The journals we keep on here can be useful to remind us exactly what we went through. I look back at Screaming and think how loopy and off-the-wall I was! Yep, I'm still that, but everyday it seems like it's in a calmer way.

I have had a quiet week, just not feeling energetic after Monday night dancing and going for a boys night out playing pool and drinking mineral water! Today I've got a streaming cold and feel lousy. There will always be times when we just feel tired or angry at the universe, especially when it throws a big bucket of shit over us at just what seems like the wrong moment. "Why me? Why now?" you may ask. But you and I both know the answer to that one : "Why not you? Why not now?"!

The old fellowship cliche "this too shall pass": be it good, be it bad, it will change. About the best I can say about the bad is that it makes the good, when the wheel has turned round, that much brighter. Pride in what you've done is deserved.

It is easy to forget the victories we have won, become complacent and go all English and say "ah shucks, it was nothing". It was something, and let's not forget for one moment what we were running from, or perhaps facing up to to achieve what we have. Sleeping normally. Not feeling like death, and counting every agonising second, not feeling the faintest gust of wind would tear through your body, not freezing or boiling all the time. Not anxious, not on the lavatory all the time, not sensitive to the point of total desperation, not exhausted yet unable to rest. It is all too easy to forget.

But you are a star, and you're a shining light to many on here. Be proud of that too. In the dark times, if and when they come, there is hope, compassion, friendship, and all that good shit just around the corner. Think of winter preceding spring!

But use, and it's back to the endless twilight and darkness, with no hope of summer without the agonising thaw.

Lest you ever forget X, I'll be there to remind you, as will others.

Dickon [Going up to bed for some much needed sleep]

[rokman nash]

X ,my friend without you Dave would be a shitstain on the (left) side of the road.X and Dave have fought the initial battle and won.Dave is not declaring victory just yet,but knows in his head/heart that he has beaten this cocksucking motherfucker and will never give in.Dave would not be where he is without X ,Drd,RS to give him the motivation to not say fuck it.
good thoughts ,sorry for the cursing(not really) PM when X gets a min.

[AvidFan]

Thanks for the kind words guys. X hasn't felt much like a shining light lately, and been feeling that his shitty mood swings and shitty mental state haven't been a very good advertisement for life after quitting!

But perhaps he will learn something from all this, and gain insight into how better to deal with things when life suddenly gets ripped apart and turned upside down (even if it's the stupid mind doing half the damage). Addiction is very much about the human need for stability and safety in X's opinion - it's need gone mad, but it's because safety and security are such basic human needs, so no wonder it's so easy to become hooked on so many things - no matter what happens, you can rely on your pills, or your powder or your booze, or your food, to make things nice and predictable and safe again. And of course that's what makes it so hard to leave behind. X doesn't agree with the "addiction is a disease" idea, because he feels humans are wired for craving things and needing security, and addiction is just that process gone crazy...

Anyway, just prattling a little. Maybe X is still a shining light, because he's somehow gone through mental shitstorm after mental shitstorm and still not used. He's fed up with the mood swings, some days he feels shitter than ever even when things have externally improved, and other days feels he can take on anything thrown at him.

One thing he did notice was that after feeling shit for 1.5 days, he went out and ran hard, and later in that day his mood improved considerably - so the exercise is definitely key, and once X's system gets back into the swing of regular running, and longer runs, it may help to restore his equilibrium, and equanimity. If nothing else, when your lungs are burning and your heart hammering, it takes you away from whatever's boiling in your mind for a while!

Thanks again for the supportive posts

[AvidFan]

Well, just an update - X is doing well (as can be expected in trying times), and the exercise is really starting to have positive effects. Not just the endorphin release at the time, but is starting to give a longer term sense of well being and increased self esteem, etc.

X passed a major test last night, as he had some alchohol for the first time since he quit OXY (so several months). In the past, the odd drink has always led to relapse - but X drank 4-5 glasses of very strong ale, and got quite tipsy, but he did not use. And he could have - there is an empty house with boxes of OXY not far away, he could have said fuck it, and walked and used some OXY, but he couldn't be bothered

This seems to him that the staying clean ethic is now embedded in his pysche. He enjoyed the drink, but will keep it at once a month if that, as he doesn't enjoy it that much any more. He remembers when he kept trying to quit smoking, he would always start again after a few drinks, but when he gave up properly, staying quit through a boozy night was the acid test. So it seems for the oxy - with inhibitions lowered, he still didn't feel inclined to go and fuck up

X is well on the road to recovery. He's had his trials, been through mental hell, but he's stayed clean through a lot of stuff, and that's something to be proud of. Know this anyone reading, SWIY can get clean, and you can stay clean if you want it enough and find a strategy that works for you, X sends you good vibes and strength

[rokman nash]

Glad X is well and yes, that certainly is a major test that he passed.Dave draws strength from X and is proud of his accomplishments through trying times.

good thoughts and thanks for the input(Dave tends to agree with X on the antidepression meds).

[Richard_smoker]

Nice avid! These are some very good tales coming from X's neck'o the woods...

This piggy's day eventually got better (after like a WEEK) and he conquered temptation, eventually!

[ColdInCanada]

Very inspiring story, AvidFan. Helped me through a pretty tough stretch a couple of days ago. Thank-you.

I have a question. My first few days post-Oxy, I used Ativan and temazepam to help me sleep. I know from experience (I haven't been a sound sleeper since early in my drinking days), that benzos build tolerance very quickly. With that in mind, I haven't used a sleep aid of any kind in about a week. I've had a total of about 10 hours of sleep in that time. I'm on the verge of collapse, and I just wondered what X's experience was like. You mentioned sleeping difficulties, can you describe them? Were they as severe as mine? Will I ever sleep again????

[AvidFan]

Yes, you will sleep again, maybe not well at first, and maybe not for a month or more, but eventually the system calms down and what Dickon calls sleep gravity eventually grabs the mind and body

As a brief update, X is not sleeping too well at the moment but does sleep - he has not reported much lately as his problems of late are far more to do with life rather than addiction, although the fact he is only 2 months into being clean do rather make trying times harder to bear at times. Still, he is staying clean!

He has decided to see a therapist to help him work through his issues, and no doubt the addiction will come out in that, perhaps it will be an extra tool to keep the bad angel at bay, and may help with other things too, was certainly useful just to offload and have a human face respond - this forum is great but we can forget that it isn't quite natural and there is nothing like one on one communication with a dedicated listener

[ColdInCanada]

Therapy might be a good plan. I've got a lifetime of pent up demons in my closet. I usually consider them relics of the past, and ignore them. But we're made up of our experiences, and I've been advised to get some kind of counselling for the shit I've been through in my life. I don't usually take anyone's advice but my own. Sound familiar, fellow forum users?

I tried some melatonin last night. After an hour, no change. Took some gabapentin to quell the burning pain in my legs (which may or may not have a slight sedative effect), and then decided, "Fuck it. I'm having an Ativan." One 1mg and I slept for five and a half hours. If I feel this good after that little bit of sleep, I can't wait to get a real night in.

[Rainbowzz]

SWIAF,

SWIR thinks seeing a therapist is a GREAT thing to do. Can hash things out and get to the root of the trouble.

Just wanted to pop on and wish you the best!

[AvidFan]

Just popping in here to offer a brief update, which is not the best of news, as Patient X mightily fucked up for a couple of weeks.

To cut a long story short, he has had his mother's lingering death (still ongoing and getting worse by the day) to deal with, and on top of that a load of work stress, and then he started this therapy. The therapist warned him that it might stir things up and make things worse before they got better (in fact the therapy was not primarily about the addiction, but exploring the causes behind his extreme stress responses and other stuff, which the various addictions became a symptom of as he tried to self-medicate). In any case, he did not expect the rug to get so completely pulled from underneath him - he very quickly discovered that his whole life has been spent running from, and trying to cover up, some extreme and deep pain.

Basically X has been fucked up for 25 years and everything he has done in life has been a defense mechanism - even his career pattern is not about exercising control but about avoiding pain.

Any wonder then that he drowned it first in booze, then in opiates?

Unfortunately quitting both simply left him washed up back on the beach of pain instead of swimming in the sea of oblivion, and the pain was just getting worse and worse. Suddenly none of the things X had done in quitting made any sense, they were still part of his pre-therapy strategies and he was still running away.

Suffice it to say, opportunities presented themselves, and X found those warm waters of oblivion tempting enough for a while to dip his toes back in, then went for a paddle, but brought himself back before he dove all the way back into the turd-infested depths that the glistening surface belies, and is now at least back on the beach and working towards getting away from the edge and building some kind of real life out of this mess of pain. It will be hard, but sometimes looking the roots of your suffering is the only way to leave them behind and grow something better out of them.

It was funny, the first lapse, and X hated it, and got sick. But he still went and did it again. It was actually cleaning out stuff at his mother's house, he had a few boxes to get rid of - and instead of dumping them, he used them - now they're gone, it's a great relief and it's like a fire's gone out. He's broken off his other sources - but having them that close was in the end too much, especially when all the armour of his mind suddenly fell away and he had no idea who he was for a couple of weeks...

So a lesson that even the X's of this forum can fuck up, and even when it looks like all's so well, but he won't be the first and he won't be the last, and at least he can turn this thread on its head now. He started it because he knew he would rather do it with the weight of others' expectations on him, because he couldn't find enough love for himself just to do it for himself - but now it's time to find that inside, and stay clean for himself.

X would recommend therapy as part of the strategy against addiction, but it would probably be best started early, as that initial pain can throw you completely off balance. 2 months in was probably not the best time, but it needed doing because X was falling apart.

Hope this makes some sense. Thanks to ROK for ongoing support - hope Dave is OK

[rokman nash]

As you know X I'm there for you when you fall down,I'm there for you to help you get up brother.Had a sneaking supicion that X was having problems,but was waiting to hear from X.Your a strong man and this setbback didn't kill you so........ Please keep me updated via PM or whatever,and any assistance Dave can provide,he will be there.More later brother.

Good luck good thoughts

Reputation Comments on this post:

Very helpful and supportive post. It is this kind of support that can make all the difference to someone who is struggli...

[pixplzthx]

Originally Posted by AvidFan

: cut :

It was funny, the first lapse, and X hated it, and got sick. But he still went and did it again. It was actually cleaning out stuff at his mother's house, he had a few boxes to get rid of - and instead of dumping them, he used them - now they're gone, it's a great relief and it's like a fire's gone out. He's broken off his other sources - but having them that close was in the end too much, especially when all the armour of his mind suddenly fell away and he had no idea who he was for a couple of weeks...

So a lesson that even the X's of this forum can fuck up, and even when it looks like all's so well, but he won't be the first and he won't be the last, and at least he can turn this thread on its head now. He started it because he knew he would rather do it with the weight of others' expectations on him, because he couldn't find enough love for himself just to do it for himself - but now it's time to find that inside, and stay clean for himself.

: cut :

I knew someone very well. For a long time this person was my best friend. What I am going to analagy this to is something that a lot of people have no problem with but that isn't what is important. What was important was how my best friend felt about his particular substance abuse.

The substance: Endorphins in the form of masturbation via porn.

Now we can argue the merits of this addiction but that isn't the point. The point was for my friend he felt trapped by what he called a quick fix. He had a wife who would indulge his every need. She liked to "make her man satisfied". One day he confided;

Originally Posted by BFF

So why do I find myself needing this? I've have gone straight from fulfilling sex to pornography in moments. I don't understand it. It doesn't make any sense.

He was practically in tears. This issue wasn't something he wanted to deal with. He was by no means "religious" so he didn't even have a god to judge him. So while my best friend wept, I smacked him in the head with a cinder block.

Originally Posted by The conversation continued

It makes perfect sense, though.

How? he asked.
"You need to make a simple confession to yourself and it'll all make sense."
I need to what? Now you aren't making... I don't get it.

Say this after me: "I love pornography"

What?!? Now you're just insulting me. For years, I've told you about this and you are going to sit there and dismissively ask me to say something that we both know isn't true?

Repeat after me: "I love pornography"

Short of actually hitting me (he is a lot stronger that I am) he left. I didn't hear from him for almost two months. Finally, I saw him in a grocery store parking lot. Figuring that I had most likely alienated him months ago, I started with:

Originally Posted by Months Later

Hello.
"Hey I'm sorry I haven't called you. But I've been meaning to.
Yeah?
"Look I don't know anyway to say this so I'll just have to be blunt: I love pornography"

And then he laughed. A broad smile in tow he gave me a big hug and continued.

Why do I go to the Gym? Because I like to. Why did I spend a lot of money on jet-skis? Because I wanted them. Why did I buy that girlie car you tease me about? Because I like it.

He then paused for what seemed like forever.

A week after I left your house, I sat down with my wife (his addiction was not a secret to her). I held both of her hands and looked her right in the eyes and admitted that there was only one reason I couldn't break free: Because I didn't want to. But now I do. I don't want to like porn anymore.

Pretty tame by some of our own standards but I think the lesson is the same. We do what we do because we want to. Nobody had strapped him to a chair and forced him to view pornography and masturbate. He chose to do so. What was even worse, he beat himself up over it and it became a cycle that he felt he couldn't break free from.

But once the problem became his, I guess you could say he took ownership, he could do something about it and he did. While not staying "squeaky clean" he has told me that after 30 odd years of what he felt to be a "bad habit" he's been free of it for the last three.

X has taken a lot of steps and as you've seen a set-back isn't always a step back. I think X is going to be okay. Hell, X might even be better for it! We can speculate all we want but the writing is on the wall so I bolded it in what you wrote above:

now it's time to find that inside, and stay clean for himself

Things are looking pretty good.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	A very considered and informative response which evaluates various facets of the addictive process, and also very suppor...
	Helpful analogy: makes an interesting point.

[oxynomo]

X,swim wants to wish wellness and say what an inspiration his story was in swims cleaning up.Swim wonders if X knowing those boxes of shit were accessable were just haunting him.Just another case of your brain fkng with ya.Stay in the sand.o

Reputation Comments on this post:

A supportive post, it is posts like these from people who have gone through the same or similar process, that mean a gre...

[Dickon]

X,

It's great that you've come clean about this, and are addressing it. I think it's normal to have a few lapses on the way. Just try to avoid what my cat did, when he ended up in comparably bad situation on relapses of just under a year and many years.

I just looked up Vipassana (which for those who are not X, he mentioned in the Dreaming thread), and I like the idea of a 10 day retreat. Have you been on one? I've committed to Zen, as it is definitely easier to spell. It was also the name of the computer on Blake 7 and until they come along with Orac I'm sticking with it! I was somewhat ambivalent about getting up just after 6 this morning to go to the 7 o'clock sitting, but I'm glad I did.

Anyway, how the fuck are you? One of the things we were talking about on Friday in college was how to stop a lapse becoming a relapse. You mentioned perfectionism, and when my cat first cleaned up he was a perfectionist: a couple of very long relapses and 10 or more years later, he's less so.

You may be right about the psychotherapy. I'm not 100% convinced about the need to dig for issues. Most of us have enough of them bubbling to the surfact without needing to excavate. I know the temptation to want to open up all the cans of worms and deal with everything; you know, get fixed. Typical addictive behaviour! lol.

There's no place you need to be, no solution in sight, just the journey. You're right that you must do it for yourself. It's not about doing it for the rest of the world. There is no halo, no reward. Ultimately you must reconnect to your inner strength that has taken you so far. In some sense cleaning up is the end of a journey, but in more senses it is the beginning of a new one.

I wish you all the best, and wish I had some magic bullet to send in your direction! I don't so I'll just send good feelings, wishes, and hopes, and a few platitudes in your general direction.

You CAN do it.

Dickon

[AvidFan]

Thanks for the words Dickon, appreciate.

The therapy really has been the thing for X - he has not had to dig far, it was just a matter of asking the right question and then all these epiphanies started happening and the jigsaw of his fractured mind seemed to all come together at once! He is not sure he really had any real strength before; this forum was his "stick" approach - as long as the fear of humilation of having to come here and admit defeat, outweighed the temptation, he was OK, but was relying on this "external expectation/approval/disapproval" thing as he has mostly always done without realizing it. Any wonder that his lapse came when his thread had kind of dwindled off into the dusk a little bit?

Hmm, yes love the computer in Blake's 7 - Slave in the new ship was never quite the same, it was sad when the Liberator died

Not been on a retreat, might do one day, then again am reconsidering the whole meditation thing at present.

Still staying clean - it helps that there's no easy source now, as it would be quite a slog to try to get hold of something, so even if cravings do come along (which they are not, strangely enough) there is a buffer zone and plenty of time for them to come and go.

Think it was, as oxynomo pointed out, the fact that those readily available boxes had been haunting X for a long time - and the amount of stress he was under, it probably was inevitable sooner or later...

X is supposed to be running a race on Sunday, but is as yet undecided. He had a good run yesterday, and thinks it would be nice to run a race as long as it is not raining He will report back, but is doing OK for now, and now that mental jigsaw has been put together at last, is feeling far less stressed by external events

[oxynomo]

It is great that X is doing well.Shit seems to be comingtogether like my words.Keep up the good efforts.There isn't one person on this forum who's not rootin for ya.And they will be cheering for you big time when you do cross that finnish line.X can do it!Great Things come from a litte good luck.Bes to ya.o

[AvidFan]

Just an update. X got the call this morning that his mother died. He feels sad, even though it is a blessing in many ways, and there is much to do, but he doesn't feel overwhelmed and doesn't feel the need to go running to opiates, drink, or something else. Although he feels just running for its own sake might help in time.

Might be a sign of just how far he's come. He wishes all well and will be back when he can.

Hope Rok is doing OK out there, along with all the other cyberbuddies on DF.

[oxynomo]

Wishing X many condolences.Swim knows the pain of losing a parent.As it was for swim it turned out to be a blessing as his father was suffering greatly.X will stay strong in these difficult times.Wishing the best for you,o

[rokman nash]

Sorry to hear about your mum X.But I am happy that your dealing with the situation. Will PM soon and update you on Dave.


Good thoughts

[Dickon]

My condolences X, and I'm glad you seem to be able to cope without drugs. I think running at this time would be a good way to be alone with your thoughts. When my cat was in rehab my dad died, and the whole thing was somewhat surreal. I guess cat was emotionally very numb or frozen, but seemed to be able to cope ok. I think having a focus, "I'm not going to relapse because of this", can be a good thing in a recovery sense. Also, everything you get through without using will strengthen your recovery, and sense of self-belief.

I wish you well for this difficult time

Dickon

[rokman nash]

Avid how are you and your patient faring? Just would like an update when you get a minute.

Good thoughts my friend

[AvidFan]

Thanks for the interest Rok.

The Patient seems to be fading away, he has been discharged and should probably now be known as Mr X, as he is out in the real world and sinking his teeth into a real life without drugs. His social interactions have gone up, his optimism has increased, he has more energy and he is finally "becoming" (avid fans may get the movie/novel reference although it should be noted X has not taken to serial murder as a hobby!)

This is in no small part thanks to Carl Rogers the psychologist, and in turn a wonderful Rogerian therapist who has helped me find the rosetta stone of my mind, and helped me unlock my real potential. In fact I have done all the work, and she has facilitated more than anything else, but that was a model which really worked for this patient. I would recommend it. It goes against the grain of Freud etc, in saying that we all have potential for change and growth no matter what stage we find ourselves at - therapy need not be just for the sick, although I certainly was sick and now I realise that fully

Yes I am in a good mood today, despite everything that's happened the last few years. In fact it goes to show how the bad experiences can become opportunities for learning and growth if only we let them.

I hope your journey is going well Rok. Keep up with it, I send my best to Dave and know he can pull through.

All the best.

[Dickon]

Great to see you back, and in such good form!

D