Journal - Patient X's Oxycodone Withdrawal Story

[AvidFan]

No X didn't, thank God, and later on when lying in bed, he was again very pleased and proud that he held up under extreme pressure.

He needs to hold on to that feeling - he knows Dave has had moments - whole days even - and would feel the same if Dave lapsed now.

So let's keep it up. Dave sounds like he has got his head together a little better now, Patient X needs to just keep going, get through day 14 intact, it may be talismanic to get through the 2 weeks mark

[Richard_smoker]

hey--i thought the exact same thing... that X had used for sure when i first started reading that post.

X, please be careful in the future... that must've required an unbelievable amount of courage and strength. somehow, that will require mustering-up every time you go over there for at least the next couple of weeks.

i know from experience of my pig that once he was about a month out, he wasn't so bad being around people who were taking pills. but he'd never imagine just doing that willy-nilly. his friends knew exactly what his position was and never once tried to tempt him. but he still knew what was going on. there have even been a couple of instances where he held some of the devil's spawn in his pocket for a few minutes (not for him) and he wasn't even tempted. he actually drew strength from it. maybe you'll draw the same strength from what you managed to do at your mom's. -DICK

[Dickon]

X congratulations on the big 14. Sounds like a bit of a struggle. But sod all that, you're going to make it, I'm putting money on you. I just sense that after you'd punched the wall, the "I'm not going to use" chanting was precisely the thing that shows the right spirit. Oh and I loved the "Do not pass go, do not collect 200mg". Reminds me a bit "You will all go to your respective Valhallas, Do not pass go do not collect 200 dollars" from the Tom Lehrer song.

Anyway, I've only got one question to ask you. You actually read "Finnegans Wake"? All of it? I've managed about 100 pages. However, My cat liked it best when he took LSD. More recently (Donkey or Froggy went to the treasure box --- I shall say no more, you'll either know what I'm on about or this will be gobbledygook) I got an absolutely brilliant 4cd recording of (extracts of) it. D or F also found me a complete and unabridged reading, but the reader's dull monotone was appalling. The thing was fatuous and appalling, and I couldn't stand 5 minutes of it. The 4cd recording was awesome! If you enjoyed Finnegan I'd recommend it. It was mostly an Irish actor reading it, although they got a woman in for A(nna) L(ivia) P(lurabelle), and she did good trippy-trocheeing. I love the "This way to the museyroom" bit: I'm sure somehow a horse fires a hat out of his arse and hits someone! and what was that blazon? "A hegoak : horrid, horned". How can you not laugh? Hippohobblies and Megaphogs. Not to mention what I always misquote as "Hark hark three quarks for Mark", but I'll leave you guys to google the correct version of that or smugly know it anyway.

Absolutely awesome, but best read aloud. I've not tried Ulysses. I took about 6 months to read Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, but didn't enjoy it that much. My father-in-law says Ulyses should be read as a middle aged man. I'll give myself another 10-20 years or so then!

riverrun past Eve and Adams to one and all

Dickon

[AvidFan]

Thanks for the supportive posts, and sorry if the earlier post caused any concern - Patient X felt he had to build up a little dramatic momentum - this is a piece of total fiction, after all

Dickon, I read a hell of a lot of stuff as an undergraduate, somehow fitting it in between the drinking, including Proust's A La Recherche du Temps Perdu (once in French, twice in English) in its entirety - damned if I can remember what the hell was in most of the tomes now (probably a bit like your pure maths thesis!). But yes, I did complete the Wake, but think I slept through some of it too!

Patient X has been out to his gig, and returns late. He had a few psychological blips while out, just feeling a bit agitated and stressy over little things (this is probably a bit of PAWS, together with the fact he can be naturally anxious), but once actually at the gig he was fine, apart from having to fight for his life when the gathered audience turned into a surging sea of flesh and he was compressed and caught in the ripples and rhythms of this ocean, eventually managing to find a safe little spot without so many riptides. At the end the lead singer actually took a dive into this sea of hands and heads, Patient X thinks he came out alive somehow before the crowd departed into the darkness and rain. Patient X also thinks one of his ears has blown out due to the extremely loud music and his proximity to the speakers - if so he hopes it is the ear into which Bad Angel usually speaks

SO, the two week mark is here, about exactly 2 weeks to the hour since Patient X downed his last OXY. It's been a long two weeks, but also seems to have gone by in the wink of an eye as well - time works strangely at the best of times. X certainly is in good spirits tonight, his chest is less rattling, and his nose has largely dried up, but he is quite tired, so will just say good night (or good morning) and head off to bed.

Hope everyone is doing as well as they can

AvidFan added 747 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...

Day 15

Patient X slept somewhat last night, exhausted from his survival marathon at the gig. His ears are still ringing, he will probably go deaf, but probably by the time that happens they will have invented some kind of nanotechnology to repair broken eardrums ruptured by too many loud gigs (a whole generation will require this, afterall).

He thinks its about time he took up meditation again - he needs his Zen master skills in place to ride the Christmas bullet...

[rokman nash]

Glad your gig went well, all is well here. Avoided a potential fuck up as you know. I'll be thinking about you during your visit w/mother.Though I'm sure we'll talk/type alot before you go.
Thanks for your thoughts bro.

ROC
do the day or the day will do you

[AvidFan]

Thanks Roc.

Patient X has meditated for almost 1.5 hours today, and has felt more peaceful than for many a long time - on or off opiates. He's been following a guided Anapanasati breath meditation and is half way through now (doing it all at once would be too much).

It was like the days before opiates started eating his peace of mind away (of course, at first, they delivered all the peace of mind he wanted - until he suddenly couldn't function without the fucking stuff and using became the daily focus) - he could settle down and relax his mind, without either nodding out from being drugged up to the eyeballs, or getting agitated about when the next pill was going down his throat and he could stop feeling so restless.

Onwards and upwards, as they say.

AvidFan added 1 Minutes and 10 Seconds later...

Oh and just because....

orange orange orange orange orange orange

[Richard_smoker]

^^^^ very insightful. I think that all of us can relate to this in our own way. However, being an antsy, sometimes impatient person, i can hardly relate (literally) to being able to sit quietly and meditate for 1.5 hours.

but the meaning remains the same. your comments about the daily quest for peace and enrichment being suddenly fulfilled by an outside 'short-circuiting' drug, when then BECOMES the object of your search is something that no-doubt all of us have been guilty. it truly is a remarkable experience--not unlike the lotus blooming in the dirty swamp--to emerge so gloriously from the swamp and confusion of the habit.

i wish you continued success on your efforts. I am delighted every day when i check these various recovery threads to find so much honor, courage and strength while at the same time humility, brokenness, and willingness to submit to the stars, one's natural self, and also the consequences of your actions.

i mean to direct this not only to you, X, but also Roc, and those who have been further removed from their habitual use.
-DICK

[AvidFan]

Good stuff Dick - thanks, this thread and others like it kind of become public domain eventually I expect.

When X first started meditating, he could barely sit still for 5 minutes either - but it must be like riding a bike (or a bullet), as today it just all came back.

X has finally finished the SK book (this is for Roc mainly as he read it too) - Although he loved the final story, he thinks his favourite is still the Gingerbread Girl. As King says in the notes, something like - you can run away from things, but no matter how fast a runner you are, sooner or later you've got to stop and start fighting.

That kind of summed up Patient X's last two weeks perfectly.

[Richard_smoker]

Speaking of Steven King, you ever read "Cell"??

it's a newer book. i bought it after reading the first chapter or 2 that was published in a magazine when the book first came out maybe 2 years ago.

it's next on my list of books...for as soon as i finish this nonfiction book "Man and His Symbols."

-DICK

[AvidFan]

Yep, have read Cell - just about everything King's ever written - if I remember correctly, was about 10 when I picked up Carrie (and although I didn't quite get what was happening right at the beginning in the shower and stuff, I guess that was the beginning of my life long love affair with fiction )

Is that THE "Man and his Symbols", by Jung? Interesting tome

Patient X has been doing well today - spent an hour at mother's and felt no temptation at all today, not even any interest in that shit left lying in the cupboard. This bodes well, as long as there aren't any major stress or boredom triggers.

Probably time to start choosing a few good books, and loading a few strictly non Christmassy movies onto his Ipod ready for the prolonged exposure.

[rokman nash]

Your probably right about the SK story its a grabber,but just the thought of going through what he did in the porta potty brings me chills.Thats why I love SK he writes many genre's.Probably my two favorite's by SK are The Stand #1 and Apt Pupil #2,which I believe he wrote as Richard Bachman. Glad you had a great day,I can say likewise after my debacle last night. Good thoughts bro.

ROC
do the day or the day will do you

[Richard_smoker]

Originally Posted by AvidFan

Is that THE "Man and his Symbols", by Jung? Interesting tome

yep, lol that's the one.

-DICK

[AvidFan]

Day 16

Just a brief update. Patient X thinks once Christmas is over, he may become an outpatient, effectively discharged from Stage One (getting clean). Stage One will not be over until Christmas is crackered, but he feels mildly optimistic. He actually feels clean, and has been meditating some more, and pondering about Big Mind and little mind - little mind is so full of shit, but Big Mind has this serenity waiting to be tapped into. Perhaps Bad Angel is little mind, and Good Angel is Big Mind.

At this point, Patient X looks back and thinks he never really wants to experience anything like the last two weeks again. He is a bit frustrated by his sluggishness, and lingering chest infection preventing him getting out for a good run, but meditation is helping for now.

He still feels a fear that sooner or later Bad Angel will break out of its cage and start a rampage - but the trick seems to be to concentrate on the here and now - thinking too far ahead creates anxiety, since one cannot control the future (more importantly one has absolutely no control how one is going to feel/react in the future).

Here and now, Patient X is doing OK and hopes everyone else is doing as well as they can too

[Richard_smoker]

several interesting thoughts come to mind from reading your last post, X.

i applaud your determination to establish 'good angel' as the sole dominating power in your life--current and future.

it is an observation worth mentioning that the very description of good vs bad is associated with your mind. This might be incorrect of me to propose, but the association of yourself with either one extreme or the other could be seen as a "symptom" of your current position in the recovery 'grand scheme of things.'

consider the following:
let's say that you stay quit indefinitely. in this scenario, you will eventually begin to lose sight of the good vs. bad angels. eventually, after being exposed to a wide array of good, personality-fortifying influences. Some of these experiences will be tempting, some might be discoveries (something altogether new to you), and some will reinforce your decision to avoid of drugs. To put it briefly, after long enough time has passed, you will likely have conditioned and reinforced the practice of healthier habits. One of this will be your BREAK with your old drug habit. In this case, I imagine you will have developed into a more 'subjective' observer.

Rather than fighting out each day on the battlefield, trying desperately to prove to yourself that you're fighting for 'good' angel and against 'bad,' you will one day become elevated and detached from this close association with the powers that tempt you.

I believe that it is only THEN that you will ever be free.

Don't get me wrong, THIS way of thinking (good/bad angel) is absolutely VITAL to your experience now. I am not discrediting that one bit. But I think it's important to consider WHY you're thinking in terms of good vs evil...

Could it be that you're still feeling VERY tempted to cave in?

Perhaps you're worried that your 'future' self will fail you and give in to the temptation?

Of course, all of these doubts are very real and quite normal.

All I'm saying is that as long as you're always willing to stop, close out distractions, and LISTEN to your own mind, then you can trust that your mind (your unconscious, your judgement) will reveal to you that you have ALREADY made accurate decisions regarding the status of your current life.

Trust your mind. Go with your thoughts. Believe that eventually the conscious struggle to "Say NO!", to avoid triggers, and to avoid old friends...eventually these influences will lose all their power. Eventually your efforts will manifest as fruits that will protect you in the future. Eventually, you'll be able to live clearly and powerfully WITHOUT focusing on NOT doing drugs!

keep it up. -DICK

[AvidFan]

Originally Posted by Richard_smoker

Perhaps you're worried that your 'future' self will fail you and give in to the temptation?

Very insightful, that last post, but just quoting this bit, as that is the main fear - which is why X needs to concentrate on now, as one has no control over possible future selves. But he believes he does not feel very tempted in the here and now - it is the fear of what may be (which let's face it fucks with everyone's mind) which is the worst.

It's less of a battle everyday TBH, the meditation is helping to clear X's mind, although today, after feeling he was getting better, some other bug has taken control of his system (scratchy throat and no voice), so the really strenuous exercise is out of the question for the time being again .

X has a big January coming up, he's got the freelance project to sort out and just learned he has an interview for the job he applied for last week. Ten days ago, this may have triggered a relapse, but although X thought "God, that's a lot to deal with, with things clashing like that" his first thought wasn't to use or escape, but to just deal with it as it comes, and rest up and get better in the meantime.

X has already taken the step of sorting out some of the OXY at mother's - there was far too much of it in the cupboard, so he got it out, and checked all the dates, and threw out the boxes that should have been used up into the trash. He also took out one 80, put it on the floor, and ground it under his bootheel. It felt far easier than when he threw his stash away the other week, in fact he actually got a strange buzz from doing it. A couple of weeks ago, doing this stuff to his friend, his comforter, his beloved drug of choice, would have seemed like the utmost sacrilege - but not now.

Maybe that is not his last symbolic gesture or the end of the battles, but the intensity of its hold over him does seem to be fading. There is that "What if, what if, what if" kind of voice, but that will always be there, in some shape, for most of the people on this planet.

It's Day 17, and despite the new bug, X feels positive.

[AvidFan]

Shit, shit, shit - another mental shit storm of 9.5 on a scale of 1 to 10, reading his last post above, Patient X realises his moods are starting to swing wildly at times. After a relaxed day, he ends up with some mental shitstorm with oxies a hand's reach away again. He knows the cause, one minute his business is struggling, then he suddenly starts getting offers for the new year, having decided to cut and run and work for someone else again to make sure of a regular pay check and now he has more opportunities than he can handle all of a sudden - sod's law, as they call it. Meanwhile every day he has to listen to his mother talk about dying for an hour or two, and starting to get delirious at times, while there are oxies in reach in the cupboard. He has a rather nasty sibling, who is going to kick up a real stink if Patient X says he cannot visit mother for hours every night if he is working all day - he is only fucking human, after all.

But he did not use. He's holding on to that fact - he has been mis-regulating his natural stress responses for some time with drugs, there's bound to be a bit of swinging around like this while his brain figures out what the hell's going on. Hmm, thinks lower brain, here comes stress, with a capital S, give me some OXY, that will keep everything motoring along nicely. Now let's make up some stupid but plausible shit and send it up to the so called higher brain, trick it into making it think OXY is just the ticket it needs to sail off into the sunset...

And as he mentioned before, he's got this second bug now, he feels weary beyond belief and so frustrated about not being able to go and extract some endorphins from a run, swim, or even a strenuous walk at the moment. He did some weights, 40 reps plus some pushups yesterday, wonders if it was too much and fucked his immune system up - but it wasn't a lot, really.

Hmm, interesting times. He is going to sit on his meditation cushion and count breaths, seems like the only thing to do at a time like this. X would be crushed now to cave in - and once again the thought of admitting any kind of lapse on this forum was a big help (Bad Angel did suggest using and then not telling, but X has more Klingon honour than that )

Best wishes to all those out there fighting addiction, the season, and all the have a merry fucking Christmas media mind programming.

AvidFan added 7 Minutes and 35 Seconds later...

Thanks for the post Dick - writing at the same time again

X will think about the situation, but doesn't think there is really that much he can do. Like he's said before, he has been down this route with cigarettes and booze, there was simply no way to make them magically unavailable, but he beat them. He will just work on his Zen master skills. After all, today's mental shitstorm was a 9.5, and the last one was a 10 - if the next one is a 9, it will just get easier.

Down the line, who knows, but X is being Xtremely careful - in fact posting it here has helped him reach a calmer place, and helped him work it out in his mind.

Thanks once more for the continued advice and support.

AvidFan added 18 Minutes and 53 Seconds later...

Originally Posted by Richard_smoker

amazing! Am i the only reader whose first instinct was WHAT? THROWING AWAY GOOD MEDICINE! HERE'S MY ADDRESS!!!!!

X Remembers feeling much the same when reading accounts of others doing similar things - My god, how could you do SUCH A HORRIBLE WASTEFUL THING with that LOVELY STUFF?!

But X has changed his thinking - his reward centres are becoming activated by NOT using.

He is just going to put on far too much weight with no exercise and eating all this chocolate and candy

[rokman nash]

Well X,I truly believe you are a stronger man than Dave. You deal with availablity on a daily basis,that takes brass balls my brother. I have thought long and hard about your post about crushing an oxy 80 with your boot, and decided that Dave probably would have fixed it up in a line, made sure he got it all off his boot then snorted that shit.
X you can do this. I'll tell you what,being an honest man on DF is very important to Dave. I'll swear on my childrens life I won't use any of the shit I have told you Dave uses,If you can/will do the same at your moms(mums) over the holidays. I have said in the past that I take this promise shit very seriously.To be perfectly honest Dave has figured he's cured enough to use occasionaly(thats pure bullshit),but he thinks that every day.
Do whatever you have to do to make it through, get a lockbox like Dick said,anything that will work.I think if you came back and said you fucked up,Dave would say fuck it too,(using shame now).Remember your siblings are not you,maybe don't even know you have a problem,and frankly if they do and shame you into spending time with your mum just to make it easier for them than shame on them(not saying you don't want to be with your mum).Dave's worried at this point more about you than himself(revelation).
Fight the fight you can win if you can't RUN.

ROC
do the day or the day will do you

[AvidFan]

Thanks Roc, Patient X really is a bit of a patient at the moment - this new virus in his system has really taken hold, swollen throat, painful to swallow, zero appetite and total fatigue - it's taken him till gone 3 in the afternoon just to turn on the PC, has been lying down for most of the day after another sleepless night.

So he has been pretty much sick for 18 days, with just the odd great day here and there - first the WD's then FLU number 1, now superflu or something - using has crossed his mind when Bad Angel throws a pity party, but X knows it would be the worst thing he could possibly do - if he can get through Christmas and this illness shit, he will come out the other side smiling or at least not half dead.

He's not sure how much he will be online between now and the end of the week but will try to throw in a few updates. He will think of ROC's solemn promise at any moments of weakness, but with any luck he will spend most of the festive days in a sick dozed state and not notice what's happening around him...

Until later...

[Richard_smoker]

amazing! Am i the only reader whose first instinct was WHAT? THROWING AWAY GOOD MEDICINE! HERE'S MY ADDRESS!!!!!

That's some highly charged detail! I have 3 thoughts:
1. the work project could be enough to strengthen & fortify your resolve while building your confidence away from the chemicals. I would suggest 'over-planning' if that's even a remote possibility for your line of work. It seems that nothing is quite as powerful of a trigger to use as is sheer frustration--or, as often is the case, lack of intense planning & preparation of foreseen & hopefully in doing so wise ourselves up to the unforeseen issues as well.

2. please, for the love of God figure out a solution to the drug problem in your mom's medicine cabinet! THAT IS JUST A TRAINWRECK WAITING TO HAPPEN! As for suggestions, I really don't have THE answer. Perhaps you could explain to your mother or to anyone else responsible for taking care of her that you simply cannot KNOW where the painkillers are kept. you could get her a small lockbox which costs only a bit more than a case of beer.

It seems to me that these kinds of proactive measures to protect oneself from him/herself are NOT usually viewed as being evil, shady, drug-addict behaviors. Doing something like this conveys responsibility, honesty, and trust. There is no need to go into grave details with you mother, just letting her know that the pills frighten you and you have a friend(?) who has glorified the experience of taking painkillers to treat his 'moods' and you watched in go thru a downward spiral... or you could just pull out of your ass the typical 'i went to the dentist' story detailing how your dentist gave you the same drug for tooth pain and after 3-4 days, you finally flushed the pills down the toilet--followed by 3 days of agonizing withdrawals. something like that.

3. It has been my experience that the overwhelming show of strength that you showed last time you were going thru your mother's pills, throwing them away, crushing an 80 with your boot--it has been my observation that these kinds of heroic strength (empowerment) over your secret "best-friend" are only apparent at 2 times: 1) early in the quitting process, during/after withdrawals while the resolve is at its peak and you're starting to see the negativity come back around to some glorious normality. & 2) after a LONG LONG TIME of being off the drugs--maybe even 2-3 YEARS down the road. But I caution you that this #2 situation will be unpredictable at best. If you're not careful, the agony and ecstacy of withdrawal and PAWS will be so far out of your mind that you could slip. so be careful. -DICK

[Dickon]

Well done X on getting through to here, and surviving Christmas. Guess what I did? I sunbathed! Seriously, in the northern hemisphere. It got to 24 C (75 F) and I took my T-shirt off and read my book. It was heaven. I've not time to read all your updates now, but just wanted to wish you and everyone else well. I'm fine, and am just gawping at the new and exciting surroundings. I haven't driven on the left yet! The freedom to just go anywhere is wonderful.

Merry Christmas to X and a Happy New Year! Way to go! 3 weeks is a huge milestone.

Dickon [really glad everyone seems to be doing so well!]

[AvidFan]

It's good to hear from the one that got away

All seems well - Patient X is now finding long stretches where he doesn't even think about using - in fact yesterday it was mostly all day, and all today so far. Yesterday he played Fallout 3 for about 4 hours and got really lost inside the game (in a good way), there were no voices saying it would be more fun on OXY or anything else. He also got a really strange buzz which felt like an OXY high, but couldn't have been, so it was probably endorphins buzzing around from killing Radroaches and submachinegunning the Roachking's head off, not to mention getting his own head ripped off by some mutant monster in some industrial basement Or maybe it's just the body and brain chemistry getting back to normal. Patient X also managed to sleep for the first time in ages.

Anyway, glad Dickon is enjoying some sun - it's sunny here, but just below freezing, so sunbathing not recommended unless done in a heated greenhouse

[rokman nash]

Sounds like X is finding his way home.Dave couldn't be happier for your patient. It seems once the insomnia is dealt with the normalization process is much easier to see,hear,feel..etc

Take your sleep when it comes.Dave can tell by your writing that your perspective is changing for the better.

Good thoughts bro.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Well done ROC I think you've completed your journeyxx keep it up

[Lisa J]

SWIM is pleased to hear X has 3 weeks under his belt now, another week and you can celebrate your first MONTH clean. SWIM hopes some of your strength rubs off on her when she stops doing her shit New Years Eve, Patient X has shown the rest of us what can be done if we really try

[AvidFan]

Thanks LJ. X is still around, but has just got another addiction - computer games. He is off to find a support forum now so he can quit his 10 hours a day habit (well, it was the weekend!). Only joking

Yes, he is counting weeks now and hopefully months soon. A big change from every second, minute, hour...

Good luck SWILisaJ

[Gappa]

Nice of you to include Gappa in the list of "greats". How were your celebs?? Hope you didn't do anything I wouldn't do.. Gappa pigged out at church and is still COMPLETELY chemical free. Hey I kinda like that X, "chemical free". Although I do believe we are talking borderline "saintdom" there but a good saying nonetheless!! Happay new Year X and all!