Journal - Patient X's Oxycodone Withdrawal Story

[AvidFan]

SWIM has been writing this in the blog facility, but after writing a mammoth piece last night, SWIM is finding the fact nobody can read it (has to wait to be approved) is hampering his progress, and he is getting twitchy, so thought he would begin to paste bits into the main forum and hope nobody minds. In fact here is the main first entry - SWIM will now be referred to as Patient X

Taken from Patient X's Diary, found on a train sometime around December 2008 (dates have been edited to create verisimilitude)

Here continues the fictional account previously mentioned; the narrative has now fleshed out, the characters are taking their places on the stage, and the drama is ready to be played out. The people we need to get to know are, in the main, Patient X, our hero, Good Angel (the voice of reason and clarity and all things good for patient X's long term benefit), and Bad Angel (the voice of Patient X's addiction). Various other characters may or may not drift into the narrative depending on how the writers' trance is weaving the words at any particular time.

Prologue: Eve of Detoxification (Fri Dec 5th)

Today is the eve of Patient X's latest attempt to quit the magic opiate pills called Oxy. How long it will last is a good question, for there are 2 stages to this "quitting" - getting off and staying off. Where one blurs into the other is a topic of much discussion, but it is often said that getting off is easy, whereas staying off is the hard part, although this is disputed. With opiate addiction a word like "easy" never seems appropriate - and Patient X likes to say that "getting off" and "staying off" are two different beasts and need to be treated accordingly. Getting off is relatively short term, but can seem like a lifetime compressed into a few days or weeks - whereas staying off really is a lifetime. As a side note, Bad Angel likes to say "Getting off is great, no matter how you do it or what the cost, getting off today is what matters, and fuck tomorrow..." Bad angel has been a constant companion for Patient X, and in general has beat the crap out of Good Angel everytime they have a dispute...

Today has been a strange day for patient X. He had a stash of the magic pills left, and as this was the Eve of Detoxification, needed to dispose of them in some way. Of course, this being presently a story of addiction, Bad Angel won out, and rather than throwing the pills or vastly reducing as preparation for quitting, Bad Angel persuaded Patient X to have one last day wrapped in the opiate blanket of carefree oblivion. Good Angel kowtowed, and said sure, why not, Patient X could stave of withdrawal symptoms for one last day, but as for carefree oblivion - well, when was the last time that happened, apart from maybe the first few times using the magic pills?

Good Angel is the rational, wise one, no matter how much she gets crowded out. Good Angel spent the day reminding patient X that nodding into an oblivious stupour on a train on the way to a business meeting, and almost missing the planned destination, is not really the way to be at peace with oneself and the world. Good Angel pointed out that suddenly coming round just before the train doors are about to close, jumping up, and running off the train in a blind panic just in time, does not really cut it as far as carefree oblivion goes. Good Angel pointed out to Patient X that almost nodding to sleep again during the actual meeting is not the way to great productivity or a wonderful client relationship or rewarding interaction with other people. Good Angel emphasised to Patient X that spending most of the day on a knife edge between feeling normal, comfortable and free from withdrawal symptoms, and slipping into a danger zone approaching overdose, is not exactly living in a blanket of stress free oblivion. Good Angel made Patient X memorise this Note to Self: "As of ten pm tonight I feel sick, agitated, down, depressed, stressed, anxious, miserable, tired and lost and I my blood is so diluted with OXY that I don't know where the blood ends and the drug begins and I can barely stand up I am so wonderfully opiated (hit that irony-meter, right!). When I have made the first few steps towards quitting, and the road maybe gets a little rocky, and I feel a little sick, agitated, down, depressed, stressed, anxious, miserable, tired and lost - am I REALLY going to listen to Bad Angel when it says, "But you will feel so much better if you take some OXY. You needn't take much, just enough to take the edge off. Remember how fucking wonderful you always feel on your amazing drug of choice!" Good Angel pleads with Patient X to remember that's how it might start - 10 minutes of total relief, freed from the pressure of trying to quit for...

(...Oh, let's just go back on OXY for another 3 weeks, but use it sensibly, and then you will be ready to go try quit again...)

(...Oh, you can just use when things are really bad, aside from that you can just use a bit to relax now and then, why not, you don't deserve to feel like this you deserive to feel good and OXY can do that for you...)

...but whatever happens you end up with the reality of chasing the first brief and blissful high again, and taking more and more, as you think you might find it this time - until the only "high" you experience is brief relief from cravings/withdrawal anxiety/symptoms and you always want just that little bit more and if you're unlucky enough that little bit more than is actually safe...

Good Angel is sensible and wise and rationally pursuasive, very reasonable and has Patient X's best interests at heart, but Bad Angel is a fucking mental pugilist and a master tactician, and will lie, cheat, and otherwise manipulate Patient X in the vilest and most corrupt, devious and deceitful ways, because all Bad Angel wants is OXY and it doesn't give a flying fuck what is good for Patient X, but will cajole, con and bully the poor guy any way it can, be his best friend, his mentor, his big buddy, and if that doesn't work just start hurting him, torturing him, just to get Patient X to use - and it's funny how Bad Angel just gets louder the more Patient X uses.

But for today at least, Good Angel has not had her sweet voice drowned out and patient X has not wavered in his resolve, even though Bad Angel has tried to plant doubts ("Why bother buddy, when you know you will relapse sooner or later anyway, why not save yourself a whole heap of trouble and pain tomorrow?")

There will be many occasions to come when Patient X must choose whether to go with Bad Angel or Good Angel - but today he feels that at least Good Angel has a chance.

That it will be tough, there is no doubt - otherwise why did Patient X take the last of his stash in search of one last fix, rather than flush it down the toilet?

But Patient X didn't say he would quit today - that is his task for tomorrow.

To be continued...

AvidFan added 36 Minutes and 33 Seconds later...

Day 1: Sat Dec 6th

Patient X slept well for the first time in a week last night - sleep has been hard to come by, may have been his increased use of OXY this week.

This morning Patient X was feeling very optimistic. He had a sense of dread on waking, as as his first habitual thought was "Everything will be OK later when I take some OXY" - then he remembered that this is day one without OXY, and also without the mental or physical crutch of kratom, which Patient X finds a bit frightening. On previous attempts to quit, Patient X has used kratom to stave off cravings/wd's.

Patient X had planned to spend today playing Fallout 3 on an Xbox he has just acquired. He is new to gaming, but likes to escape into virtual worlds. but not just yet... Patient X may be allowed out to the facility grounds for a little light walking, but it is very cold outside, and being uncomfortably cold often makes Patient X crave the warmth of opiates.

At precisely 12.20pm, barely into the first afternoon, Bad Angel piped up with the usual "Why not just use for another week, then give up? It will be too hard this week, something will make you use again so why bother at all? Good Angel was subtle as usually, if not totally silent, but she seemed to help Patient X ignore Bad Angel for now.

As of about 12.45 Patient X was starting to feel a bit miserable - bad things about his life are starting to pop up in his head. Patient X takes a lie down, does some stuff he likes, but resists playing Fallout - he knows that if he gets frustrated with the game or too tired, the Bad Angel will start flooding his brain with instructions to use OXY - because then he will enjoy the game more - and attach plenty of dopamine to motivate Patient X towards using.

Patient X has reached 17:22, has been feeling hot and cold, but not sure if it's yet w/d's kicking in, as the temperature in the facility is hard to regulate of late. Patient X has heard Bad Angel pipe up a few times in a minor way - but that bastard is keeping quiet, knowing it can launch a full on nuclear tactical strike any time it wants.

Patient X has been eating moderately, at this time is actually craving kratom more than OXY - just wishing he had some kratom to get through the early stages of doing without OXY. Bad Angel is already saying it might be a bad idea to try to quit both at once, so why not get some kratom - Patient X cannot get kratom until early next week, so that leaves using OXY until he can get some kratom - this is the mindfuck the Bad Angel starts playing with Patient X.

In a few hours Patient X has to run a bit of a gauntlet, letting his supply know he requires no more, and make his nightly visit to his sick mother (patient X's mother is terminally ill and he visits her daily to do stuff for her). Bad Angel is very good at using this as ammunition in its taunts to make Patient X use again, as well as dragging up other bad stuff that has happened in the last year and recently. Bad angel says all the time how crap everything is, so why the hell not use as Patient X deserves a little something...

Good Angel can still be heard, and reminds Patient X there are many good things on the other side of addiction, that he just needs to keep going, and reminds him how crap he felt yesterday despite being thoroughly OXY'd up to his eyeballs...

To be resumed...

AvidFan added 80 Minutes and 2 Seconds later...

18:30: Patient X decided to have a shave and a shower. During the shower he remembered something from his childhood, his father showing him how to use the shower (his father died suddenly last year) - SWIM was overcome and started crying his eyes out - there is probably a lot of crying he has not got through because of the OXY over the last year - he knows his dad would be ashamed and upset about his addiction, would want only the best for him.

Patient X thinks wryly of sweats, aches, RLS, chills and the other symptoms described for opiate withdrawal. Patient X can take pain - Patient X can run 10 miles with a smashed bone in his leg. The literature on opiate withdrawal just doesn't begin to factor in the enormity of the despair one starts to feel, the crying, the hopeless feelings.

Patient X believes that while the kratom has staved off these feelings (it is also an effect he has experienced with kratom withdrawal), it has merely postponed them - it is why he thinks day 6 has proved particularly hard, because he feels he has escaped them and then bang, they kick in. Patient X thinks maybe getting started on the crying on day one is a good thing. He's got tears streaming down his face right now.

Bad angel says why not use then, Patient X is fucking useless and cannot cope without one opiate or another - Patient X is going to be crying for the rest of his life.

Good Angel says newborns always cry - look at this as a rebirth - newborns always cry but eventually they stop and just get on with things as best they can... Good angel also says Patient X needs to mourn his addiction in a way - or at least mourn the person he has been, as without OXY he is going to be changing and letting go is always a bit of a grieving process...

Patient X likes the positive voice of Good Angel, but knows Bad Angel is waiting with some tactical assault missile...

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Good post. Love the angels. Best of luck to you and good angel.
	Wonderfully written and extremely emotive

[Dickon]

I enjoyed reading your post Avid, in a slightly crossed-legged, icky sort of way. It was all a bit close to the bone, and reminded me of those times I've played Good Angel, Bad Angel voices.

Ah.....but you know you have to stop sometime...

Yes, that's very true, but it will be far easier to use now just once, and then stop tomorrow....

Why? That's simply not true....

You know, it's the weekend tomorrow, and it's going to be easier to not use at the weekend.....

Etc.. .etc.....Bad Angel just talking the most outrageous shit! But always a cloak of plausibility or simply bludgeoning one into submission. I wish I knew the way to give Good Angel the big stick. I'd lend you mine if only such a thing were transferable. As I've said before, I have no idea what makes a successful w.d., or why this time I've got to close on 7 weeks in, but I have. So, as one man who's good angel has (for now) the upper hand, I say it's an obtainable goal.

Now, I've found writing on here was a really powerful tool for killing hours. Think Pacman, gobbling up the hours. Yes, there's the whole "rest of our lives" thing, but that's not what you need to be thinking about now. It's grinding, scrabbling, fighting, chewing, raging, spitting, monkey abusing, demon slaying, minute-following-painful-minute time. It's time to stand up and be counted. I even made an excel spread-sheet and ticked off the hours from when I last used

Good angel needs to grow a set. Good angel needs to morph into his male form, and start kicking some serious bad angel arse (or ass if you're American). This is not a pretty, "more tea vicar" scenario we are dealing with here. This is a get down into the gutter and use your teeth fight. It is violent and nasty, and you will get kicked into next week, win or lose.

I know I'm like a broken record on here somedays, but good advice is good advice, and so once again I recommend clonidine or lofexidine (if you're not in America, where I don't think it's used). My cat once managed to quit a 200mg a day methadone habit in 2 days (200, 100, 0) and do a 10 day benzo detox with clonidine as the soul adjunct. This was in a rehab which helped somewhat. But the two other times he quit and stayed quit for a month or more he used lofexidine, for a small morphine habit, and clonidine as per the Screaming thread.

If you get through the fighting, chances are you will, if you're w.d.s follow the pattern that mine tend to take fall into a heap saying pretty much, "I can't fight any more, I can't go on". This for me is once the sleep deprivation, and minimal amount of food has driven me to exhaustion, or in the case of last time round, after getting real flu and then a stomach bug to add to the withdrawal pleasantries. Then the tool of choice is acceptance. Of course we're all different, but perhaps there is some communality to be had here. Some say acceptance (or even surrender) is the key. I'm not so sure. I think one should fight until one is exhausted, ans surrender only when there really seems no other choice. This is not a surrender to ones bad angel, but a surrender to one's own state.

What might help? Crosswords, books, mental stimulation. If you can keep your mind off "poor me" even for 5 minutes it's infinitely better than 5 minutes feeling shit. The acceptance thing is truly a paradox, it doesn't mean contemplate your naval and feel shit about yourself. It means that when you can do nothing else, that's what you must do in some sense, as all avenues have been exhausted. Laugh! I spent an awful lot of time chuckling to myself as I wrote all manner of weird and wacky things, some that I'm fairly sure no one else on this board will understand. Does it matter. If you want some permission, you have mine! But you don't need anyone's permission. If DF recovery forum can't support someone doing this, then it's pointless. People don't need to be reading what you write. You are not imposing on anyone except those who accept voluntarily the imposition! You've got the gift of being able to communicate, so use it. A doctor said to a friend of a friend once (so it must be true!!!) that addiction is like a dam, and once you quit, it gets broken and all the feelings come rushing back pell-mell. One minute you'll be in tears, the next laughing hysterically, the next angry or raging, the next despairing, etc. etc.

I get the feeling from your 5-day pattern (I think you said somewhere that you quit for 5 days but then fucked up. I used to do exactly the same thing. If it's not you don't worry about this) you might be struggling more with the emotional side than the physical side, unless by day 5-6 the sleep deprivation has ground you down.

Anyway, I just thought I'd pop by to lend some support. Here's sending you some Dickon magick!!! It can be done. You will do it.

I'm rooting for you.

Dickon [knows this enemy well]

Reputation Comments on this post:

very helpful post thanks

[AvidFan]

Many thanks Dickon - Patient X was lurking (gestating even!) during your Screaming thread and found it of great help, I expect you're an inspiration to many

Yes, it's the emotional side Patient X finds hard (yes it was patient X who gets to 5 days then fucks up - Bad Angel usually comes up with "Well, you know you can do it, wasn't it easy looking back, there'll be no trouble doing it again if you really need to - now you can just use at weekends, you need something to look forward to!") - he will be OK for a long time, then will get "bleak weaks" - this was before the opiates were ever part of it. Patient X used to drink a lot (but doesn't any more - and also managed to quit smoking for good as well - which means he CAN quit things, quitting smoking was hellish but he kept it going!), then he tried all the usual herbs, but morphine and Oxycodone seemed to do a much better job of relieving the blues for a bit than St John's Wort, and then well...


Thanks for your support - Patient X could well use a bit of NLP visualisation and concentrate on Good Angel getting stronger and more "hit points" and stuff, to use a gaming analogy (Patient X has an XBox and some games - they are going to help eating up the hours and engrossing him!)

(Btw I thought of Patient X as I was tired of typing "SWIM", even though Patient X is more to type )

[rokman nash]

Your wonderfully expressed story could be m own I'm on day 7 cold turkey from the same substances and more.I truly hope you make another day clean. never give up 'let my life back yet.



roc

Reputation Comments on this post:

thanks

[AvidFan]

Day 1 conclusion:

Patient X had a bit of a fuck up on the evening of day 1. He managed to shove some food down his throat, but was feeling really agitated, so dropped 4mg of Diazepam (Patient X does not know if this is a lot, he has a small supply of 2mg pills and 2 seem to make him feel calmer).

He sat down waiting for it to be time to pop to his mum's, next thing he knew he was waking up and he had nodded off and missed his usual bus. The journey is only down the road but the buses do not run very often at night (every half hour). Patient X rang his mother and she was OK and had someone with her, so Patient X got his shit together quickly and went out for the bus. The freezing weather didn't help his increasing chills - nor did the fact he was craving like a bastard and his mother has stacks of OXY at her home (she never actually takes much, says it makes her ill and doesn't like it, so she throws a lot out and some of this trashcan source has formed part of Patient X's intake..) In any case, there is also some 30mg co-codamol (30mg codeine, 500mg paracetomol (or acetaminophen in the US) so patient X took 2 of those. It wouldn't have helped much he is sure, but thinks it was just a psychological thing, as he had to get stuff done and hold himself together for his mum, walk the dog, give her some meds and stuff. But he did manage to stay off the OXY and walked out of there still free.

Bad Angel beat him up a little about it, but Good Angel was there to say, well he did take something, but he didn't drop 200mg of OXY and decide to put off quitting for another few days/weeks/months.

Patient X got home and after occupying his mind with a boxing match on the TV, fired up his XBOX and passed an hour exploring the world of Fallout 3, and took great delight in blowing the living shit out of some feral ghouls, raiders, deathclaws and other mutant shitheads. Patient X finds himself chuckling at this.

Bad Angel was quiet, although at one point did start saying that playing the game would be much more fun on OXY. But Patient X played for an hour - and now knows he CAN play the game and enjoy it a little bit, without the OXY - so that is a first step.

Patient X dropped another 4mg of diazepam and went to bed about 01:00.

DAY 2

So patient X made it through day one almost unscathed, OK he took something with a little bit of codeine in it, but it seems to have helped and he feels no cravings for it. The night was spent tossing and turning and trying to stay warm, although he did get some sleep - Patient X is a lifelong insomniac anyway, so is used to sleepless nights. Although he found it hard to get comfortable at times, he did find moments of peace, and the restless legs were becoming apparent, but by no means as bad as he expected.

Patient X felt very sluggish on dragging himself out of bed, three cups of coffee later he managed to be able to wash himself up a little and force down some solid food, although he really has no appetite. Patient X found himself able to laugh one minute, which segued into crying the next. But it was a different kind of crying today - it was the kind of crying Patient X did when he ran his first road race and realised that after quitting a 20 year drinking and smoking habit, he was able to run non stop for 6.2 miles and cross the finish line (he also raised £500 for a cancer charity) it was an enormous thing for him at the time. Patient X feels the same about yesterday - he managed to cross the line, somehow, but for this race he just has to keep going

Patient X enjoyed reading the answers to some of his ramblings. At the moment his nose is running and he doesn't feel up to much, he has some aches and pains, but his guts are behaving and he feels just about OK, albeit very, very tired. His eyes run occasionally - just before he was almost brought to his knees by a searing burst of (well how to describe it)...determination, commitment, some kind of realisation that he CAN do it.

AvidFan added 7 Minutes and 2 Seconds later...

Patient X would like to know if Dickon added the "Cool for Cats" bit, as the Squeeze song has started to play in his head and he can't get rid of it

AvidFan added 264 Minutes and 13 Seconds later...

Well, patient X has made it to 17:30 on day two, and is beginning to wonder how he's doing it. He doesn't feel great, but can't really describe why - it's not a particular set of symptoms apart from an occasional running nose, feeling down and feeling very, very tired and with no appetite - it's more the sense of something missing, the itching agitation that something isn't there, his brain in a way telling him its suffering badly and needs something to make it feel ok again. He knows this is a trick that the biological and neurochemical mechanisms play when withdrawing, and that the longer he holds out the easier it will become - but it's so hard to hold out hour by hour!

Patient X is getting a bit scared, he's just going to do everything he can to try to make it into day 3.

AvidFan added 177 Minutes and 56 Seconds later...

Patient X has almost made it through to 21:00.

Half an hour at a time.

He found this smiley which looks a bit like two Angels thrashing it out, lol:

[Dickon]

Good going, only a couple more hours and it will be midnight, and that's another day, at least assuming you're in the UK. As for the cool for cat's thing I added it a while back at a time I was constantly changing my status and it just "stuck". I think it's like daemons in the Philip Pullman books (you'll have to figure that out if you don't get the reference. It will be another 10 minutes occupied!). It was a mixture of the song, me feeling "cool" at that moment, and the fact I was using "my cat" for non self-incrimination. This was a change, as I'd started off with prefaces, and then wrote normally. The change came when I mostly didn't need to change the I to a SWIM-equivalent, as I was describing my drug and alcohol free life. So because I rarely prefaced posts rather than go back I'd simply use my cat if needed for any examples or thought-experiments. I've got a bee in my bonnet about swim, and only use it very rarely. Not quite sure why. I much prefer cats or patient Xs or prefaces (I got bollocked for "maybe, maybe not..." something about hypothetical situations and dreams being ok, or maybe just an officious moderator. I had that infraction revoked by Alfa though.)

I'm curious, how come X got Oxys? I'm assuming X is in England; it's just they're far more of an American thing than an English one. And about the codeine pills, it would be better to stay off them for two reasons. Firstly they are opiates, and as such will prolong any withdrawal. For sure, they can be used as a very short taper, but don't fool yourself, codeine might be mild but a portion of it is converted into morphine in vivo. Secondly, even in small doses it will mess with your head. You've talked about it, and that's the main thing. 60mg of codeine is a tiny dose.

Maybe sometimes I'm just anal, or a mathematician, or a pedant, or some other thing with vaguely school-mastery controlling tendencies, but I find quitting is much easier with clear boundaries. This part is using. This part is tapering. This part is not-using. Blurring really confuses me, and messes up my good angel. But we're all different, and whatever works is good.

A big well done for getting to here! Or, when YOU read this it will be there, a little further along than HERE, as I write this. lol. I'm being daft, but why not! It's all fun. I just thought I'd send you some good feelings, thoughts and wishes. Come on, you can do it. Give Patient X a hug, and say well done. And not long now til ding ding, seconds away, day 3 [that metaphor works well]. Keep fighting, and chowing down on those hours.

Dickon

[AvidFan]

Midnight it will be here in England, and Patient X is feeling OK but very weary. He did take another 2 codeine pills on his nightly visit to his mother's, things could have gone bad there as there was a bit of a screw up with her care arrangements, but will take on board Dickon's advice.

Richard Smoker has some excellent advice about exercise - Patient X did not feel up to a run, but he lifted some weights and walked up and down his stairs, ran up a few times - this really helped when was feeling agitated.

As for the OXY, patient X had a friend who was prescribed them but didn't like them, so patient X asked to try some and liked them, and a deal was kind of struck which was mutually beneficial. The friend also knew other people so could get more she said if I wanted - so it goes. Then patient X's mother was prescribed some Oxy's but didn't like them either and said she didn't need them so throws them away mainly, so patient X availed himself... So it goes, it's shitty but it's what addicts do...

Patient X is going to take a couple of diazepam and go to bed, so he has effectively made it through day 2, and thanks Dickon and others for their feedback and support.

[Dickon]

Morning all (speaking from an England point of view). I hope the night went well Avid, and X got at least a half-hours sleep. Not to worry if not, it's to be expected. Let us all know, we're rooting for you!

Dickon [50 days new]

[AvidFan]

Thanks Dickon, morning to you.

Patient X went to bed at 11.30pm and set his alarm for 10am - he was so tired he was sure some sleep would come, but was still twitching, jerking and tossing and turning when that alarm went off. Patient X did not sleep one wink, even though he kept getting up to eat diazepams like candy. If he got up, then went back to bed, he would get perhaps 2 minutes of peace before he had to start moving his legs, arms and body, not one position ever felt comfortable, and he felt so cold, with shooting pains in his knees as well and had a few sneezing fits.

Patient X managed to get up and make some coffee but feels very rough now day 3 is here. One minute he feels positive, like he is getting towards the top of the hill and will be over the hill soon - of course Bad Angel pipes up that this is going to go on forever...

Patient X will try to update more later, he keeps hitting the wrong keys at the moment!

[Dickon]

Hang on in there. You're doing great. Sleep will come, but maybe not for another few days. I remember one night thinking 12.30am well that's nearly morning, and just getting up then as trying to sleep was so not happening. For me the coming of dawn was always a great relief. I really hated the sleepless nights. I know you've got the diazepam, but Valerian root pills and Chamomile tea were of some small help, or maybe they were. They certainly did no harm.

I know that feeling when the fingers are so cold they won't hit the right keys. I'll have to have a look over Screaming again sometime and remember what happened. I've forgotten so much of what I was feeling. It's like a vague dream now looking back.

Try and keep your spirits up. A bit of trench humour is always good. Oh and listen to Hakuna Matata if you feel down. It's the number one feel good tune. It's on youtube, and you get the cartoon as well! If that doesn't make you smile you've a stone heart! lol.

You're getting there. Keep plodding. The worst will soon be over. Every hour a victory!

Dickon

[AvidFan]

This morning Patient X thought fuck it, it's wet and cold, but he's going out for a run. If the legs want to twitch he'll give them good reason to. So he got on his jogging pants and hooded jogging top, and forced himself out with his Garmin gadget strapped to his wrist. So many times he has been out with the aim of breaking a 5k or 10k time, but now the aim was just to stay out, walk for a bit, break into a jog, walk for a bit, and reach the aim of running for 3 five minute slots.

And by hell Patient X did it, and must have got some funny looks as he kept swearing to himself that he was going to beat this shit, beat this shit, beat this shit, and took it all out on his lungs and the pavement. The running was hard, it always is, but always enjoyable in a sort of masochistic take the medicine "it's good for you" kind of way. Patient X was out in the cold and rain for 30 minutes, covering about 4 kilometres and achieved his goal of the 3 five miniute bursts of jogging. By the last jogging stretch he was hurting, gasping, almost screaming and cursing, some of it was uphill, but he could feel the rush of endorphins up his spine as he usually does when he's covered much more distance when fully fit.

When patient X got in he collapsed and started sobbing, doesn't know why, maybe it was the enormity of those first baby steps, the mix of pain and endorphins, a bit of triumphalism - if he puts his mind to something, whether it's running 10k against clock, or just managing to run for 15 minutes, or getting off some shitting stuff that's controlling his life, he can do it.

Patient X is so grateful to this forum and those who have replied, etc - you know who you are, Patient X could have relapsed at any time but would be SO embarrassed to admit it, and he's determined to be honest, so he would admit it if he did.

Patient X always used to fall asleep in the afternoon after a hard run - maybe he's earned a nap. He's done some stretching and downed some diclofenac for any pains that might crop up, and might run a nice relaxing bath.

One thing Patient X can say - the rush he gets from running is so much better than the fake feeling OXY provides. OXY has never made him sob with the sheer exhilaration of being alive, for when those natural endorphins rush in, you know you've earned every one of them.

[Dickon]

Well done you! That's amazing for day 3. Running or any kind of exercise will help kick the stuff out of your system quicker too. I was just starting to get back into exercise in my third week when I got ill and since then I've been pretty much floored. With luck I'll soon be getting fit again. I miss exercise, but I'm listening to my body, which is frustratingly saying, "take it easy". I doubt you'll have to do this, but it might happen. Don't over do it, but don't under do it either.

Keep up the good work!

D

[AvidFan]

Ta Dickon

So day 3 continues. From the jubilation of the run came the relaxation of a hot bath, followed by bits of food and just trying to pass time. He played a self hypnosis recording about addiction and seemed to doze a little through it. Watching some tv about 16:00 Patient X started to feel increasingly agitated and craving, so ate something and took a Relora (these are herbal pills someone gave him and said they are good for stress) and a diazepam - then another diazepam. He had to pace a little as his agitation wouldn't go away and the agitation kept turning into a craving.

Eventually Patient X lay on his bed and must have dozed off for an hour, as he woke a while ago feeling very groggy - Patient X has always been very good at falling asleep at the wrong times and being totally unable to sleep at the right times (ie at night) but hopes if he follows a similar dose tonight it might afford him some sleep.

He has a rock gig at an Arena tomorrow and needs to figure a way to get to it without being tempted to use (most - all - of the gigs he has been to recently he has been fucked up on OXY). The ticket cost him £40 so he doesn't really want to not go. He just hopes day 4 will see him with enough sleep in his system to be able to make it out and enjoy it. At least he will be able to cover up any twitchings by thrashing around to the music It may be cathartic as the music is loud and angry. Then he has arranged to meet a friend on Wednesday, and has to go somewhere where he is working on a business project on Thursday and Friday. The busyness of the week is starting to scare patient X a little, then again perhaps throwing himself back into things might take his mind off things - he knew he was only going to have 3 days fully to hole up as much as he could, so hopes day 4 will start to see at least the worst of the physical stuff over.

Good news is patient X has had moments of forgetting about OXY and that he is withdrawing - only moments, but if those moments can get a little longer and more frequent...

Bad Angel says he is sure to relapse, as there are always going to be OXY's available at his mother's and it would be so easy to help himself. Good Angel says when Patient X quit drink, then cigarettes, then kratom, all three were still freely available, but did not tempt Patient X back into using them once he had really committed to being done with them

AvidFan added 26 Minutes and 35 Seconds later...

Patient X just remembered that his mum has some quinine sulfate for her RLS in her extensive pharmacopeia. Like many of her meds, she has far more than she actually uses, so Patient X may avail himself of one to see if it helps with some more restful sleep tonight.

Patient X talked with his mother on the phone earlier, over the last two days his conversations with her have consisted of yes and no's, but today he managed to be more supportive and actually had a few laughs with her (laughs for both Patient X and his mother have been scarce since dad died and mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer all in the space of three weeks last year). But laugh they did - a bit of trench humour as Dickon says!

Patient X is still not feeling fantastic, but is feeling bursts of positivity now and then - just needs to string them together!

AvidFan added 185 Minutes and 35 Seconds later...

Patient X is stable and doing ok as the end of Day 3 approaches.

Patient X even managed "proper" food this evening - not just "I'd better eat something" but "I'm hungry!". A whole cup soup and 4 rounds of toast - biggest meal he's managed without gagging since the Eve of Detoxification.

Patient X has read many accounts of some people coming through the physical withdrawal from Oxy in as little as 3 days, and is now at the end of day 3. He has to remember that he will also be detoxing from kratom, as he got addicted to that (again) in the process of trying to use it to get off OXY. Last time he went cold turkey off kratom, it was 7-8 days, but he was not as physically fit then.

Patient X sat on his sofa tonight and thought "I can see the top of the hill".

He knows there will be many dangers ahead, but Bad Angel is being surprisingly quiet. Perhaps Bad Angel has crawled off to some gutter where he belongs, but he may be back, so caution is the watchword.

Patient X feels strong enough at the moment to extend his well wishes to anyone else going through this awful process right now, and hopes they can stay strong together.

Until day 4

[pixplzthx]

Wow! I think X is doing great!

Just smack the Bad Angel around for awhile and keep telling Bad Angel "You're gonna lose" in a sing-song voice.

You're a winner, X!

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Thanks for the support! :)
	Short but sweet post,packed full of support.

[AvidFan]

Day 4 and Patient X has to say he feels a bit shit to say the least, although he did get some sleep.

Patient X was ravenous last night, and had to get up to eat two bowls of cereal, but also took an extra quinine sulfate pill as the first one did not seem to be affecting his RLS. After this second pill and some more diazepam the RLS did go away and Patient X could get comfortable in bed, and since he doesn't remember tossing and turning all night, must have slept for some of it, but isn't sure for how long.

Patient X thinks the quinine sulfate is the cause of his abdominal cramps and diarrhea this morning, as he has read up that this can be a side effect, although of course can't be sure if this is a delayed withdrawal symptom from OXY... He is going to lay up for a bit and hope he starts to feel a bit better.

AvidFan added 96 Minutes and 40 Seconds later...

Patient X went back to bed and nodded off for 40 minutes, then got up and managed to hold some food down. Still feels rough - could be something he's picked up, the quinine, continuing wd's, he's just not sure.

The gig tonight is in serious doubt now. Bad Angel is whispering that it might be an idea to use, if Patient X uses he could get to the gig in good shape and enjoy himself. But Good Angel is louder for now and is saying why the fuck would you want to go through what you just went through again, for if you start using again sooner or later you know you will have to quit again, and do you want to jeapordise everything you've achieved so far for a few hours comfort?!

Fuck, this is hard.

[Dickon]

No, it's not hard, it's trivially easy. You do not pick up opiates, no matter what. Any voice telling you to do so is the wrong voice. If you have any doubts, avoid the gig. Sit at home and put Hakuna Matata on a loop. Loud angry music is good in moderation, or might be. But remember your mind is susceptible to influence right now, and hearing too many songs about how futile life is will be manna to bad angel. Yep, life is shit, might as well seek oblivion in opiates.

What's £40? Nothing in the grand scheme of things. An old proverb my father used to say to me "Money lost. Nothing lost. Health lost, Much lost. Courage lost. All lost". You need to make the decision, but if there's any chance that going to this gig will induce you to use...stay at home. There will always be a louder angrier one some other time.

Come on, focus X. This is not rocket science. I can't make it any easier physically, and you're only playing minor percentages with the various pills you use. The only big boys are the alpha-2 adrenergics and possibly psychedelics, especially ibogaine. Even benzos, although they might help somewhat don't really address w.d.s that much.

Your ally is time, and you are eating up those hours. Scream, hit things, go crazy, whatever it takes, just don't pick up the opiates. It IS that simple, and it will get better.

I repeat, focus X

Dickon.

[AvidFan]

Thanks Dickon. Patient X feels he needs to go to the gig, for some reason loud and angry is cathartic for him, and he takes a lot of it as tongue in cheek, and only one side of the coin, it's a way of releasing the negative and letting the positive in.

Besides, Bad Angel has already said, miss the gig and I will punish you later, I will make you hurt so much as you sit at home and imagine how much fun you could have had if you'd gone, that you will feel so miserable I will fucking make you use to make up for not going. A catch 22 perhaps - but weighing things up Patient X thinks it will do him good to enjoy himself and realise he can enjoy himself with (edited due to Freudian bad angel slip - WITHOUT) those fucking pills!

Patient X is going to leave now - he will pass by his mum's on the way, which will be the biggest test, but he has made arrangements for her for tonight. He is going to get into town, where he will be out of reach of the opiates anyway by then, no going back. If he doesn't feel up to the gig, he will go back home, but will treat himself to a maple syrup latte or two, with plenty of sugar and just hang out in coffee bars - the sugar will be bad for him, but good too!

Patient X knows what Dickon means and intends and appreciates it.

AvidFan added 608 Minutes and 46 Seconds later...

Dickon wrote:

Scream, hit things, go crazy,

Patient X has been doing quite a bit of this, and in public too - in fact he thinks he has screamed and sung so much that he may not be able to speak tomorrow. He rather wishes he worked for someone, as he could get away with saying he had laryngitis or something.

What a day of contrasts! Patient X woke feeling shit, with the shits, but they passed (figures it WAS the quinine sulfate). Patient X managed the trip to his mum's and actually held OXY in his hand, looked it in the eye, and thought, "NO." This is probably a bad idea for most, but Patient X did it with drink (had a bottle of Jack Daniels in the house as he learned to be sober), and on day 2 of quitting smoking, he went out on the Monday morning with his usual smoke buddies, and when they asked if he was sure he didn't fancy one, he said "NO" and never smoked again (despite a real see saw after that!)

So patient X was feeling really tired and cold, but forced himself out. Bad Angel usually says things like "Why bother, you won't enjoy it, why not stay home then I can torment you?" It was certainly strange to be in a very busy centre of a very big city for the first time without the cushion of opiates - very edgy indeed. Patient X will admit he took some nurofen plus, as his knee was aching, but figured the 25.8mg of codeine wasn't going to fuck him up beyond recognition - time will tell. In any case, after wandering around and killing time, Patient X got to the Arena feeling very nervous, but once he was in his seat and the first band came on, he started to come alive - and some 3-4 hours later he was totally exhausted after jumping up and down like a jack in a box, punching the air, screaming, yelling and singing along like a fucking madman - he felt like he had run 2 10k races back to back by the end of this dancing, fist pumping marathon.

And he walked out of that place exhilarated, euphoriated (if there is such a word) - the big bad city no longer felt so edgy, although Patient X's voice was decidedly scratchy. Patient X enjoyed this gig more than any gig he's been to in 12 months - and why? Because he wasn't fucked up on OXY and could emotionally engage with what was going on instead of enjoying the feeling of being wrapped up in a cushion. It's been a long time since he's felt so exhilarated by the sheer miracle of being alive and in a building with 17,000 people all engaged in the same activity.

Perhaps it was a pivotal moment, Patient X just wanted to come and record here that he can have the most amazing amount of fun and even euphoria without some shitty chemical in his system - in fact more. He want to say this now before bad Angel decides to start warping the memory. Again, he reiterates - Patient X never had this much fun at a gig when on OXY...

Perhaps the shackles aren't quite off, but it's the end of day 4, and maybe 4 days of filing away at those leg irons will see them falling away soon

AvidFan added 695 Minutes and 20 Seconds later...

Patient X has had a bit of a shitty night - didn't sleep till 5 am and the restless legs were still there, he thought he might sleep with the exhaustion from the gig, but no. Still he only dropped one diazepam.

Anyway, he still feels groggy today and it didn't really help to get a warning first thing this morning for posting about self harm FFS (he posted some song lyrics about what he thought about his addiction/monkey and it really helped him but now it's been removed - he'll probably get another warning for mentioning this? Does getting a warning put you on the road to being banned? Fuck knows - all I can say is I am glad this happened today and not yesterday or the day before as patient X feels strong enough to say fuck it, he's not going to use because he feels he's been treated a tad unfairly.

Thanks to all for continued support.

AvidFan added 48 Minutes and 56 Seconds later...

Patient X doesn't mean to appear hypersensitive but it's day 5 and day 5 is his typical relapse day - he is shit scared at the moment as every little thing wakes up the Bad Angel - and Patient X is on a bit of a comedown after last night's euphoria.

He will be off out to meet up with his friend in a bit, perhaps it will help him.

AvidFan added 304 Minutes and 54 Seconds later...

Patient X met his friend, but it was hard work, and he couldn't keep up much of a conversation.

He's back home, it's funny, he's craving OXY like a bitch - the day 5 barrier is hitting, Patient X has no idea why, but the cravings start to kick in about this time every time on day 5.

Good new is Patient X contacted his business associate tomorrow and said he might not be well enought to make it (in fact with all the sleeplessness, patient X is feeling pretty well exhausted). The business associate said they were ill too, so no problem, it can be postponed.

Patient X doesn't feel up to working right now - going off to work just now might be a bridge too far, so perhaps another day of rest tomorrow will help, and now he has no excuse to use. He wouldn't anyway, but the cravings are hell - worse than at any time since he stopped - can't figure it!

AvidFan added 90 Minutes and 43 Seconds later...

Patient X wonders if the day 5 cravings are Bad Angel's death throes? Its last sneaky attempt to keep itself alive? If so, drop dead you cunt. (apologies if this should go in the "Smack the monkey" thread )

For some reason I can hear Patric McGoohan in my head as the prisoner, except instead of saying he's not a number he's saying "I am not an addict, I am a free man".

Watch out for the bouncing balloons, says Good Angel, they can swallow you up from behind...

Ah well, there's another 10 minutes used up

[Dickon]

Sounds like all is going is as expected. Mad extremes of emotion, and a bit of self-testing. Are we all massochists? lol. It seems to me that you've got your fundamentals in place. Go easy on the "testing yourself" thing. I'm a fine one to talk what with my cat keeping methadone in the house for the first few days of quitting. I rather enjoyed giving it all back to the chemist on my cat's behalf saying that he'd not need it any more, and wasn't going to pick up the second half of his prescription!

That said, maybe we can get away with this kind of thing, but a generic caution is still in order. I know I'm a lunatic, and I SUSPECT you are one too, so you're probably fine!

Keep on trucking, I'm following, even if I'm not always as vociferous as I might be. Mostly you seem to have things in hand, and don't need any practical advice, just a few claps and pats on the back, and kicks up the arse as appropriate! I'm watching, don't forget that, even if I'm not always talking. lol.

Seriously, really good stuff!

Dickon

[Dickon]

Dave and X,

You're both doing brilliantly. Keep on working that mojo! Bad monkey mojo is definitely in season! So squash those fuckers, and get them off your back (not necessarily in that order!). Go easy X if you're not feeling well. I sense you've done what I did by jumping into exercise a bit early. I've mentioned that whole masochistic side. I think it comes from a perverse addict perfectionism. I suffer with this for sure. I want to come off quickly, and I want to push myself. I'm challenging this (I've been biologically forced to, in fact), and I've finally given myself permission to be a lazy lump.

This isn't about proving to the world how quickly we bounce back from a kicking by Sister Morphine. It's an admirable quality to be able to will oneself through difficult and painful challenges. But it's another skill to listen to one's body, and take it easy for a bit. The back-to-back marathons can be done in time. X, you'll survive getting ill without opiates. I did, but it wasn't big, it wasn't fun and it wasn't clever. So give yourself a bit of gentle time. Sometimes it's better to drop a ball or two, and pick them up later. I get the feeling the same advice would go for Dave too.

Well folks, tomorrow will be 8 weeks for me. I'm still sneezing, but only in ones and twos as my wife points out. I started jogging when I was out shopping for all of 30 seconds, but I sense a desire to get active again. However I'm quite a hibernator, so I think any real activity on my part will begin slowly in the new year. Folks once you get through the initial victory, there is still the question of the rest of your lives! I think that anyone who says "getting clean is easy, staying clean is difficult" never had a habit, but whether staying clean is easier or harder (really it's comparing apples and oranges. Clearly staying clean for me for one day now is a damn sight easier than I'd imagine it would be for X or Dave. But maybe staying clean for the rest of my life, assuming I don't get hit by that falling piano is harder than staying clean in full on withdrawals for 5 minutes. See how silly this gets.....!) there is a future that needs mapping out, and strategies will need formulating, even if the strategy is simply a brute force and ignorance of the will. I'm not saying that won't work, but it's possibly not the easiest way. Ah....but you folk are all masochists....which is to some extent why you are making it through.

Yep, being a tough fucker at some level is an absolute godsend in this game. It's a sine qua non in fact! (this is called an "eggymeggy mark" by our son Henry)

Practically, I am a broken record, eat well, rest some, a bit of exercise, but only if you're NOT ill, and X, it looks like you've run out of Valium (I think this is ubiquitous but just in case anyone doesn't know that's diazepam) at a good time. It's about time to let nature take its course. I once had a period of w.d. where roughly speaking I alternated good nights sleep, bad nights sleep for a while. It seems a plausible explanation would be :good nights sleep ---> not so tired ---> bad nights sleep--->tired---->[complete the circle]. It's a thought. Things often come in waves, good, bad, good, bad etc. The ocean will get calm, eventually. Enjoy it; there's plenty of time to make more waves later, so when it comes enjoy the calm.

Fight the good fight folks

Dickon [perplexed by the rubric to this weeks Listener Crossword]

[AvidFan]

Thanks for the well wishes Rok and Dickon - and hope the crossword rubric is not still perplexing.

Patient X feels a little better, managed to go to the super duper supermarket in fact as provisions were runnning low (he hates supermarkets and has not been in one since coming off). He made his curry and added loads of extra garlic, turmeric and cumin and chilli, and it was mega hot, and he managed to eat the lot, and felt much better once he had stopped sweating and drinking gallons of water

He indeed spent a more or less chilled day (except when hot with curry), in fact spent the evening watching a mixture of snooker and boxing, and for long periods was engrossed in a meditative kind of way, and didn't think about his DOC that much at all, except that at the end of every day that he doesn't use, he feels so glad he hasn't used. He usually feels much better at the end of the day than at the beginning, as he is more of a night owl than a morning bird - in fact as a student he was mostly nocturnal and found it much easier to sleep by day, like a vampire - but this just wouldn't fit in with his commitments these days!

Staying clean, aye there's the rub - Patient X believes he is out of danger for the time being, but there are going to be moments in the coming weeks and months when that little Bad Angel voice pipes up "Hey, you've proved you can do without, so why not use just the once to see what it feels like now/for old times sake/because you're worth it (like those stupid adverts)" etc, but at the moment it's scary to think long term. He feels the acute phase is more or less over and is overwhelmed at times by how well he's been handling it. Time is passing more normally - it's just the lingering insomnia that's the worst leftover now.

So, on to getting rid of the flu - more curry tomorrow for sure, and another gallon or two of water

AvidFan added 2 Minutes and 57 Seconds later...

BTW, Happy 8 weeks' anniversary for tomorrow Dickon, you are a real inspiration

[rokman nash]

Glad you made it another day brother. I feel almost as much happiness from your success as my own. May be cheesy but to go though this with someone else certainly has made this easier. day 15 for me on the morrow.

ROC
do the day or the day will do you

[AvidFan]

Thanks Roc. Today is proving very hard, Patient X still feels ill and has had intense cravings for about an hour, it's bewildering to get to day 9 through all the shit and then start craving like a bastard, for no apparent reason.

Last night patient X took some amitryptiline, which is a tricyclic antidepressant with a side effect of being sedative and promoting sleep, in fact he seems to have slept for 6 hours off it, but still has no energy, which only seems to return slowly as the day goes on. He has managed some food, but nothing like the appetite he had yesterday.

He's so not used to feeling ill like this, perhaps it's why the cravings are getting stronger - his system is perhaps mistaking the flu symptoms for withdrawals and sending instructions around the brain that some OXY would make him feel better.

He's going to try to tough it out, and hopes by not feeding these cravings they'll start dying down sooner or later

[rokman nash]

Dave went to work today for a couple hours,then started thinking bad thoughts. He drove strait home while thinking about the lies he could tell his connect to score. Made it home, didnt make the call.He is with you on the weakness situation. How long will it last? any idea?This is his first real attempt to quit. And quite frankly is amazed at his initial success.



ROC
do the day or the day will do you

[Richard_smoker]

Patient X, sounds like you're going thru your ceremonial TRIAL BY FIRE! THAT'S GOOD!!! CHERISH IT!

SAVOR EVERY LAST SECOND OF THE 'MISERY!!'

you want to make absolutely CERTAIN that you can remember every last detail of this flu-like period. Remember what colors you see, remember the location, remember any smells, any food you taste, how your body reacts to the food, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!!! You're going to NEED THESE MEMORIES so you can call them up INSTANTLY and AT WILL as soon as you EVER consider using another opiate again!

THIS IS THE MAGIC POTION! *THIS* IS WHAT KEEPS YOU OFF THE SHIT!!! It's something intangible. it's something that exists only in your mind. it's the overwhelmingly negative experience that your mind should equate to painkillers, opiates, opium, heroin, whatever--they're all the SAME. and they ALL CAUSE THE FLU!!!

ROC, how are you doing?

Both of you, keep it up. Excellent progress in here... terrific, wonderful, amazing, beautiful progress!!! -DICK

[rokman nash]

Morning X 6:30 am in TN starting the day feeling great. I hope you are well also.

ROC
do the day or day will do you