Swim got his life together now he must get the ones who didnt out of his life.

[Spare Chaynge]

So swim has a constant problem one of the many that came along with getting sober in a 12 step group. He got his shit together but because some of his friends were also in the program and have replaced they constantly come around and bug him with minor annoying request like hey my bank accounts empty and I can not cash this check can you.

Simple request that do not bug swim to much.. But swim being paranoid more than the average person constantly fears his house getting robbed or his property stolen. They are just a drain on his life..

Just another reason why swim is not down with the 12 step program anymore.

Reputation Comments on this post:

Good question

[chillinwill]

Honestly, SC, from just that one example you gave, it seems like they are just asking for a favor since maybe their bank account isn't in good standing or what not. Unless they specifically rip you off, I see no reason to worry here. However, I do know what you mean by that people in NA/AA ask for a lot of favors and expect you to do them basically with no questions asked

Reputation Comments on this post:

Good positive advice

[Spare Chaynge]

Yes this is true. He was just asking for a favor and jim was glad to help. It was the crack head way in which he did it.

He had loaned his phone and i pod to a dealer for drugs and then just showed up at jims house tapping on the bed room window because jim had music on and did not hear the front door being knocked on. Jim was also asleep 9 in the morn.

jims constant paranoia is probably the main problem here. Jim is paranoid of police being robbed and anything that threatens his freedom.

Now that swiy has pointed it out this has only happened twice and the other time a girl (hot girl) asked if she could stay at jims house. Would of been great but jim has a girl and was afraid she would steal everything from it.


Thanks chillin. jim hopes that everyone comes back after the holidays and this forum is hopping again.

[~lostgurl~]

I'm with you on this SC, This girl I know has been sober off everything (drugs, prescriptions, alcohol, ciggies, the works) for about 3 months now and she still gets phone calls in the middle of the night and it pisses her off. All the usual reasons, but it should be obvious that if she isn't using then she doesn't want to give you a ride to score, that she doesn't know anyone who might want to buy your product and she doesn't want to listen to you talk about how high you are.... hell she doesn't even want to talk to you at midnight when you have just woken her up. Grrrr.

Reputation Comments on this post:

keep it up ur doing well

[old hippie 56]

Swim was in rehab when he heard this great remark about money and sobriety, leave the rehab to professional counselors and the money lending to the banks. Just because a person is going to AA/NA don't make them a saint either.

Reputation Comments on this post:

allways informative and a good poster swim to is trying to forget the 80s besides phish

[Jasim]

Swim has been there, done that. It's difficult. Swim recommends just cutting them out of swiys life completely, though carefully. Swiy should become very 'busy' with something all of the time. Not answer phone calls and try swiys best to avoid those types of people. Swiy can't let them pull swiy back into that rut, and they will if swiy lets them. When it comes to deal with addiction, to each his own, every man for himself... It's just the way it has to be. No one can change his/her life except him/her.
It would be best to move, but swim understands that that is not always an option. Stop rewarding them with attention and let extinction do its job. (Extinction is a psychological behavioral modification concept, look it up).

[chillinwill]

I was just rethinking what I said earlier and agree with what everyone else has said....I was thinking of this question in another way but yeah you do have to cut your ties with the people in NA/AA that are just repeatedly asking for favors and not doing anything back. They can't expect you to do everything for them you know. Also, some of the stuff they can ask you to do can be shady and that could possibly lead back down to the path of addiction which of course you don't want.

[Fight Club]

Originally Posted by Spare Chaynge

. . . He had loaned his phone and i pod to a dealer for drugs . . .

I don't think that this is what "helping a brother in the program" is all about. I would tell this "friend" to fuck off, and stick with the winners.

FC

[Spare Chaynge]

lol, You see swim had friends that were drug users, when he was using, that would tell him to fuck off when he was out of money or when he needed help.... What kind of person would swim be if he told a friend to fuck off cause he needed some help.. Seems exactly like the drug users definition of a "friend" just at the opposite end of the spectrum

Morally to swim the person who Is not on drugs and will not help a friend because that friend is not beneficial to himself is worse then the addict not helping a friend because that friend will not be beneficial to him getting high.

Where as the sober person is just self centered at least one could argue that the addicted person has some sort of "disease" weighing in on his descion making.

[~lostgurl~]

The addict who is still using is looking after number one and so should you be. No one else is going to. It's not about you not wanting to help them (that is obvious from your post because you seem to feel guilt over it) What it is about is keeping yourself safe, not associating with people that could ultimately take you down - whether it be slowly leading you back into drug addiction, stealing your stuff, getting you busted, or even just using you and leaving you feeling used.

You deserve friends who want what is best for you. I know it is hard when all or most of your friends are still using, the transition can be a lonely time where it seems you don't fit into the druggie world or the sober world. Maybe that is why so many find comfort in NA. (Not I, but it sure works for some)

Give yourself a break and realise you are worth it.

Reputation Comments on this post:

way to be compassionate ;) helpful and kind as always

[Spare Chaynge]

Yes the is true lostgurl.. Good point, thank swiy.

[Ilsa]

~lostgurl~ nailed it.

you've obviously done some work on yourself emotionally. sounds like you've reached a point where you're trying to set some boundaries, which is tough. one the one hand, and as lostgurl said, you feel lonely and caught in between two worlds; you may also feel like you want to help these ppl that are in a position that you remember all too well, and this may be possible--to a very limited extent. on the other hand, a lot of guilt and shame come with the aftermath of addiction, and in attempts to feel beter about myself as a person, i've found myself helping former friends out more than i should, and it's always ended up hurting me. so finding constructive activities that you find rewarding is a haelthier way to build up self-worth, rahter than helping ppl that may or may not be using you. i think you're right to be aware of the consequences of letting friends who are still using into your home/life, and jasim's method for handling it is a good one if you feel at risk of going back to using or getting robbed: get away from them. at the very least make it obvious that you've got other things to do that dont involve money or drugs and you'll soon see who your real friends are.

i also wanted to say that you're doing a great job of reaching out for support and changing ingrained habits. AA/NA can def help, but there comes a point when we have to strike out on our own and develop our own methods for dealing with stuff. one of the best ways to do that is to have a strong support system, and this forum is great for that.

hang in there

namaste