Journal - SWIM Has Been Off Heroin For Years, But That May Change

[ScorpioSunshine]

SWIM has used many, many substances in the past, but the one she always enjoyed the most was H. SWIM never had a bad experience with it (as she did with other substances) , and was always able to walk away from it if she felt like things were getting carried away. A weekend on the couch, some benzos (not required, but nice)a big bowl of candy, movies, and maybe some nookie, and SWIM was a-okay.

However ... the thought of heroin never completely left SWIM's mind. She gave it up completely for 2 years and then did it once while living in another state. SWIM met someone addicted to H and tried to befriend her. Instead, SWIM gave in to temptation. While that was OK with SWIM, she was mad at herself because she barely knew this other person.

SWIM did it anyway (SWIM was completely safe and clean, as always!!)

She immediately chucked it after the first shot (crappy shit) and gave it to her "friend", went home, and let it go. It was such craptastic H (cut with some shitty low-grade speed perhaps) that SWIM took it as a sign. That was in 2003. SWIM hasn't touched it since.

Over the years, SWIM has missed H, but never seriously considered doing it again, though she never completely dismissed it. SWIM is substance free, except for the occasional migraine pill (Lorcet or the like -- and for SWIM that's twice per year, maybe), k-pins for PD (.5 -- 3 times per day) and one recent experience with nitrous. SWIM doesn't have an addictive personality, but she is not stupid and knows no one is safe.

For some reason, SWIM has been obsessing over H lately, and is pretty much talking herself into doing this again. SWIM is afraid because:

She doesn't live in the same area and has no idea of quality. SWIM knows she doesn't want to inject, but is afraid that will be just what she does. SWIM is dreaming of alternative substances to H that can get her close so she doesn't go that route, but even though SWIM has connnections, she is not sure of reliability. That makes SWIM nervous, but is not dissuading her. SWIM knows nothing about other means of ingestion, though she is reading. SWIM really wants it .. or something like it, and is convincing herself daily that she wants to go through with it.

SWIM doesn't understand this immense craving. She feels it may be a need for release, and would be willing to explore safer options than street H, but SWIM doesn't get the sudden obsession and strong desire to have it again. That's what's really bugging SWIM -- the overwhelming urge.

SWIM does not enjoy alcohol except on rare occasions, was easily able to give up all substances (SWIM dislikes weed), and doesn't even get a buzz from her therapeutic doses of k-pins.

SWIM has been dreaming of this adventure back into the world of heroin, but SWIM is confused. SWIM believes she can handle it just as easily as she did before, but again, SWIM is not stupid and knows the potential for abuse and addiction. SWIM has concerns about those things, but SWIM's biggest concern is why she is having this need .. It's been building up over months, and has come to a cresendo of "Got to have it, got to have it..."

SWIM is super-obsessed!