Journal - SWIM Has Been Off Heroin For Years, But That May Change

[ScorpioSunshine]

SWIM has used many, many substances in the past, but the one she always enjoyed the most was H. SWIM never had a bad experience with it (as she did with other substances) , and was always able to walk away from it if she felt like things were getting carried away. A weekend on the couch, some benzos (not required, but nice)a big bowl of candy, movies, and maybe some nookie, and SWIM was a-okay.

However ... the thought of heroin never completely left SWIM's mind. She gave it up completely for 2 years and then did it once while living in another state. SWIM met someone addicted to H and tried to befriend her. Instead, SWIM gave in to temptation. While that was OK with SWIM, she was mad at herself because she barely knew this other person.

SWIM did it anyway (SWIM was completely safe and clean, as always!!)

She immediately chucked it after the first shot (crappy shit) and gave it to her "friend", went home, and let it go. It was such craptastic H (cut with some shitty low-grade speed perhaps) that SWIM took it as a sign. That was in 2003. SWIM hasn't touched it since.

Over the years, SWIM has missed H, but never seriously considered doing it again, though she never completely dismissed it. SWIM is substance free, except for the occasional migraine pill (Lorcet or the like -- and for SWIM that's twice per year, maybe), k-pins for PD (.5 -- 3 times per day) and one recent experience with nitrous. SWIM doesn't have an addictive personality, but she is not stupid and knows no one is safe.

For some reason, SWIM has been obsessing over H lately, and is pretty much talking herself into doing this again. SWIM is afraid because:

She doesn't live in the same area and has no idea of quality. SWIM knows she doesn't want to inject, but is afraid that will be just what she does. SWIM is dreaming of alternative substances to H that can get her close so she doesn't go that route, but even though SWIM has connnections, she is not sure of reliability. That makes SWIM nervous, but is not dissuading her. SWIM knows nothing about other means of ingestion, though she is reading. SWIM really wants it .. or something like it, and is convincing herself daily that she wants to go through with it.

SWIM doesn't understand this immense craving. She feels it may be a need for release, and would be willing to explore safer options than street H, but SWIM doesn't get the sudden obsession and strong desire to have it again. That's what's really bugging SWIM -- the overwhelming urge.

SWIM does not enjoy alcohol except on rare occasions, was easily able to give up all substances (SWIM dislikes weed), and doesn't even get a buzz from her therapeutic doses of k-pins.

SWIM has been dreaming of this adventure back into the world of heroin, but SWIM is confused. SWIM believes she can handle it just as easily as she did before, but again, SWIM is not stupid and knows the potential for abuse and addiction. SWIM has concerns about those things, but SWIM's biggest concern is why she is having this need .. It's been building up over months, and has come to a cresendo of "Got to have it, got to have it..."

SWIM is super-obsessed!

[fiveleggedrat]

IMHO:

The urge and obession are Swiy standing at the entrance to addiction. The next step is to introduce physical addiction, since psychological is at least partially there.

Swim's opinion: Find something to keep Swiy busy: Books, movies, videogames, a new job, a relationship, something.

That's Swim's problem; he does not have much going on in his life so he sits around all day scheming with ways to get high to kill the boredom. And Swim really loves to get high.

A shame that Swiy does not like pot. It's what has kept Swim from diving off the deep end; it's been his only drug with no given limits, and it's worked well in it's purpose: reducing harder drug use. However, the pot is now almost boring and nowhere near as fun/great as it used to be. Oh, and highs went from 4 hour long of being stoned to 30 minutes of being buzzed.

[Junkhead23]

and don't forget that Marijuana can also make you feel extremely paranoid too. It's just not worth it for what it is.

[ScorpioSunshine]

Originally Posted by fiveleggedrat

IMHO:

The urge and obession are Swiy standing at the entrance to addiction. The next step is to introduce physical addiction, since psychological is at least partially there.

Swim's opinion: Find something to keep Swiy busy: Books, movies, videogames, a new job, a relationship, something.

That's Swim's problem; he does not have much going on in his life so he sits around all day scheming with ways to get high to kill the boredom. And Swim really loves to get high.

A shame that Swiy does not like pot. It's what has kept Swim from diving off the deep end; it's been his only drug with no given limits, and it's worked well in it's purpose: reducing harder drug use. However, the pot is now almost boring and nowhere near as fun/great as it used to be. Oh, and highs went from 4 hour long of being stoned to 30 minutes of being buzzed.

SWIM agrees ... It's hard for her to admit, but swiy is right about swim standing in the doorway. I think that's why swim is so upset. All this time, why now? Swiy hit the nail on the head with the psychological part. This greatly upset swim ... swim always thought she had it under control.

Swim has a relationship, a busy job, but swim is feeling unsure about two of those two things. :lol: Swim loves to read, loves to write, and has been considering just pouring this urge into words instead of her body. Swim just needs to get past this mindset.

Swim has smoked pot, but swim seems to experience mild panic and paranoia, and this has dissuaded swim from trying it too much. Swim has been told that those symptoms could pass if swim would keep trying it. Swim is not sure if that's true.

Also, swim doesn't want to be found face-down in a bowl of brownie batter, overcome by a snack attack, her engorged face weighing her down and tipping her over like some humpty-dumpty creature. Swim is teasing .. she know the other things she is thinking are much worse.



ScorpioSunshine added 1 Minutes and 29 Seconds later...

Originally Posted by Junkhead23

and don't forget that Marijuana can also make you feel extremely paranoid too. It's just not worth it for what it is.

Yes, swim has experienced that. Once swim locked herself in the ladies room, overcome by such strong paranoia. A time or two, she's been able to talk herself down and semi-enjoy the buzz, but it's never been truly pleasant for swim.

[beena]

SWIM is not of the school of thought 'Just say no' of 'drugs are bad - end of'. This is despite the fact that SWIM got her own fingers burnt too (addictions to crack, heroin and other opiates and tramadol), but just because SWIM screwed up that doesn't mean everybody who touches these drugs is going to.
Just be very, very careful. SWIY should know that these things have a habit of creeping up on us and what starts as once a week can quickly become twice a week can quickly become every night and the nightmare world of addiction begins. So be warned!
That said, SWIM doesn't think that how you are feeling is necessarily wrong or bad or that SWIY can't necessarily handle it and be in control.
One word of advice though, until SWIY gets a regular dealer that is reliable and produces gear of consistent quality SWIY should not even consider injecting.
There are other ways of taking heroin including smoking or snorting it and all the information about how to do so and (more importantly) do so safely is contained in this website. Use the search engine.
SWIM has been using heroin for over a year and she has never injected it. Yet SWIM still gets a lot of enjoyment out of it and it is easy to do and a lot less harmful/risky. Although it is a complete fallacy that snorting or smoking heroin are risk-free methods of administering the drug or non-addictive. SWIY sounds like they've got their head screwed on so just go into this with SWIY's eyes wide open, armed with all the facts and be careful and be safe. Good luck whatever SWIY decides to do.

[dyingtomorrow]

Originally Posted by beena

SWIM is not of the school of thought 'Just say no' of 'drugs are bad - end of'. This is despite the fact that SWIM got her own fingers burnt too (addictions to crack, heroin and other opiates and tramadol), but just because SWIM screwed up that doesn't mean everybody who touches these drugs is going to.
Just be very, very careful. SWIY should know that these things have a habit of creeping up on us and what starts as once a week can quickly become twice a week can quickly become every night and the nightmare world of addiction begins. So be warned!
That said, SWIM doesn't think that how you are feeling is necessarily wrong or bad or that SWIY can't necessarily handle it and be in control.
One word of advice though, until SWIY gets a regular dealer that is reliable and produces gear of consistent quality SWIY should not even consider injecting.
There are other ways of taking heroin including smoking or snorting it and all the information about how to do so and (more importantly) do so safely is contained in this website. Use the search engine.
SWIM has been using heroin for over a year and she has never injected it. Yet SWIM still gets a lot of enjoyment out of it and it is easy to do and a lot less harmful/risky. Although it is a complete fallacy that snorting or smoking heroin are risk-free methods of administering the drug or non-addictive. SWIY sounds like they've got their head screwed on so just go into this with SWIY's eyes wide open, armed with all the facts and be careful and be safe. Good luck whatever SWIY decides to do.

SWIM has met a fair number of people who were perfectly stable and happy on H for years just snorting it, and totally trashed everything in their lives with a couple months of shooting up. Same story for SWIM, except he lasted a couple years shooting. The rush becomes more important than the nod, and that takes more and more dope to do. The withdrawals become worse and a lot more terrifying. There's a finite amount you can put up your nose as well - at least those are SWIM's guesses as to the difference. Hope you stay snorting and enjoy your opiates.

dyingtomorrow added 6 Minutes and 12 Seconds later...

Originally Posted by ScorpioSunshine

Also, swim doesn't want to be found face-down in a bowl of brownie batter, overcome by a snack attack, her engorged face weighing her down and tipping her over like some humpty-dumpty creature. Swim is teasing .. she know the other things she is thinking are much worse.

ROFL! SWIM is maxing a bowl of brownie batter right now. LOL SWIM thought he was the only one who did that

As for the topic, it sounds like you will become an addict pretty fast if you get your hands on some H. SWIM is stuck in suboxone-limbo and doing H whenever he can get his hands on it, totally miserable and completely obsessed with H 24/7. It's kind of scary to hear that happening to someone not addicted, as though it will never be possible to escape this.

SWIM would recommend doing everything SWIY can to stay away from temptation. And if you give in, only snort it, don't inject.

[superdupernaut]

Originally Posted by ScorpioSunshine

SWIM knows she doesn't want to inject, but is afraid that will be just what she does. SWIM is dreaming of alternative substances to H that can get her close so she doesn't go that route, but even though SWIM has connnections, she is not sure of reliability. That makes SWIM nervous, but is not dissuading her. SWIM knows nothing about other means of ingestion, though she is reading. SWIM really wants it .. or something like it, and is convincing herself daily that she wants to go through with it.

Oxycodone might be right up swiy's alley, it is very effective when taken orally. Being a prescription drug, swiy dosn't really have to worry about it being cut, or poor quality. In much of the country it is readily available.

However if swiy is that worried about obsessing over it, maybe swiy should get swiys head straight first.

[ScorpioSunshine]

Originally Posted by beena

SWIM is not of the school of thought 'Just say no' of 'drugs are bad - end of'. This is despite the fact that SWIM got her own fingers burnt too (addictions to crack, heroin and other opiates and tramadol), but just because SWIM screwed up that doesn't mean everybody who touches these drugs is going to.
Just be very, very careful. SWIY should know that these things have a habit of creeping up on us and what starts as once a week can quickly become twice a week can quickly become every night and the nightmare world of addiction begins. So be warned!
That said, SWIM doesn't think that how you are feeling is necessarily wrong or bad or that SWIY can't necessarily handle it and be in control.
One word of advice though, until SWIY gets a regular dealer that is reliable and produces gear of consistent quality SWIY should not even consider injecting.
There are other ways of taking heroin including smoking or snorting it and all the information about how to do so and (more importantly) do so safely is contained in this website. Use the search engine.
SWIM has been using heroin for over a year and she has never injected it. Yet SWIM still gets a lot of enjoyment out of it and it is easy to do and a lot less harmful/risky. Although it is a complete fallacy that snorting or smoking heroin are risk-free methods of administering the drug or non-addictive. SWIY sounds like they've got their head screwed on so just go into this with SWIY's eyes wide open, armed with all the facts and be careful and be safe. Good luck whatever SWIY decides to do.

SWIM is so panicky that I have a feeling that she would end up not injecting. Swim vents, but she is cautious and would likely talk herself out of a stupid move. Swim knows that there is too much nasty shit to be had, and swim doesn't want it!

Swim is very appreciative of this post, and swim also sends a in light of swiy's own experiences. Swim has been reading and is weighing options.

ScorpioSunshine added 15 Minutes and 0 Seconds later...

Originally Posted by dyingtomorrow

SWIM has met a fair number of people who were perfectly stable and happy on H for years just snorting it, and totally trashed everything in their lives with a couple months of shooting up. Same story for SWIM, except he lasted a couple years shooting. The rush becomes more important than the nod, and that takes more and more dope to do. The withdrawals become worse and a lot more terrifying. There's a finite amount you can put up your nose as well - at least those are SWIM's guesses as to the difference. Hope you stay snorting and enjoy your opiates.

dyingtomorrow added 6 Minutes and 12 Seconds later...


ROFL! SWIM is maxing a bowl of brownie batter right now. LOL SWIM thought he was the only one who did that

As for the topic, it sounds like you will become an addict pretty fast if you get your hands on some H. SWIM is stuck in suboxone-limbo and doing H whenever he can get his hands on it, totally miserable and completely obsessed with H 24/7. It's kind of scary to hear that happening to someone not addicted, as though it will never be possible to escape this.

SWIM would recommend doing everything SWIY can to stay away from temptation. And if you give in, only snort it, don't inject.

Swim wants swiy to know that, despite swim's current obsession, swim still believes there is an escape. Swim feels terrible if she put negative thoughts into swiy's head. Swim is so happy to be able to share, but at the same time she doesn't want to discourage others.

Frankly, swim herself is scared by this sudden "need", but swim thinks there is something more to this, and swim needs to think about the real issue.

On a lighter note, swim is happy to hear of someone else loving the brownie batter! Also:

Originally Posted by superdupernaut

Oxycodone might be right up swiy's alley, it is very effective when taken orally. Being a prescription drug, swiy dosn't really have to worry about it being cut, or poor quality. In much of the country it is readily available.

However if swiy is that worried about obsessing over it, maybe swiy should get swiys head straight first.

Swim agrees, 100%..her head needs an adjustment !

Swim has considered a pharmaceutical option, but since swim has seen others get really strung out on OC, swim is scared of that, too. But swim does think it's a cleaner, better option, should swim give in. One good thing is that Swim lives in a pretty rural area. Meth seems to be the choice of drugs there, and there is no chance of Swim touching that. None. Zero. Swim hates stimulants now. The point is that swim may not have easy access to more expensive items, and that could be a good thing for swim.

Swim may simply obsess for a while until the thoughts go away. But swim knows they are there for a reason, and she plans to really think about what's going on with her life.

Swim is a big hugger! LOL!

[ScorpioSunshine]

SWIM told me something:

She was in the grocery store and saw an old friend. Her old friend's mom gets methadone for pain management, but doesn't normally take them. SWIM and old friend drove over to the mom's house and swim got 4 10mg methadone from swim's friend's mom.

Swim took one 10mg methadone and is waiting for the effects. Last time she took one was when she had a migraine (last year) and it was effective against the pain.

Swim had such a bad migraine that she honestly can't remember the other effects of the methadone, other than it got rid of her pain.

After swim took the methadone , about 30 minutes later she realized that much earlier she had taken a therapeutic dose of clonazepam / klonopin. It was a small dose (.5mg). Swim suddenly worried about taking the two substances together. Swim said her dream assured her that such a small dose would be ok, since swim normally takes between 1-1.5 mg per day and no more than that, and since the dose of clonazepam had been taken much earlier.

Swim does not want to go down the methadone path, but swim figured it's a safe alternative to the other options, at least for one night. Swim is still having cravings for heroin ... swim's friend's mom told her she could get other substances such as oxycodone or hydromorphone.

Swim has read a bit about the negatives of recreational methadone use, but wonders if it will help her at least temporarily stop her cravings for h.

*sigh*

[fiveleggedrat]

Originally Posted by ScorpioSunshine

Swim does not want to go down the methadone path, but swim figured it's a safe alternative to the other options, at least for one night. Swim is still having cravings for heroin ... swim's friend's mom told her she could get other substances such as oxycodone or hydromorphone.

ejghehjcjwlehrf

Swim used to have a friend's mother who would sell him hydromorphone. She decided Swim was a full blown heroin addict (Truly, laughable, if Swiy knew Swim). She's now sitting on tons of unfilledscripts and hydrocodone, and won't sell Swim any. Grr! Oh, she's also bankrupt and broke. Tell Swim where the logic in not selling that shit is, especially if not being used.

Swim has read a bit about the negatives of recreational methadone use, but wonders if it will help her at least temporarily stop her cravings for h.

It'll stop the cravings...while Swiy is high on the methadone. Coming off/down on it, it'll be right back to cravings. It's like choosing to shoot yourself in the foot with a .45 instead of a .22; The wound will definately take longer to heal.

[ScorpioSunshine]

Originally Posted by fiveleggedrat

ejghehjcjwlehrf

Swim used to have a friend's mother who would sell him hydromorphone. She decided Swim was a full blown heroin addict (Truly, laughable, if Swiy knew Swim). She's now sitting on tons of unfilledscripts and hydrocodone, and won't sell Swim any. Grr! Oh, she's also bankrupt and broke. Tell Swim where the logic in not selling that shit is, especially if not being used.
It'll stop the cravings...while Swiy is high on the methadone. Coming off/down on it, it'll be right back to cravings. It's like choosing to shoot yourself in the foot with a .45 instead of a .22; The wound will definately take longer to heal.

There is no logic in that; I agree. Damn her hide!!


Will swim be OK if she uses the methadone for a day here and there? Swim knows that's subjective ... shit, she knows she treading a dangerous path.

Perhaps someone she needs to peek in the mirror and give herself a good swat in the face!

[fiveleggedrat]

It sounds like Swiy knows the risks/issues with methadone. Using it here and there, sure, no problem there. IMO it's having the main opioid used being methadone. It's the drug halflife, how long the WD's are with it, and how nasty they can be compared to other opioids.

[Ilsa]

Originally Posted by ScorpioSunshine

SWIM told me something:

She was in the grocery store and saw an old friend. Her old friend's mom gets methadone for pain management, but doesn't normally take them. SWIM and old friend drove over to the mom's house and swim got 4 10mg methadone from swim's friend's mom.

Swim took one 10mg methadone and is waiting for the effects. Last time she took one was when she had a migraine (last year) and it was effective against the pain.

Swim had such a bad migraine that she honestly can't remember the other effects of the methadone, other than it got rid of her pain.

After swim took the methadone , about 30 minutes later she realized that much earlier she had taken a therapeutic dose of clonazepam / klonopin. It was a small dose (.5mg). Swim suddenly worried about taking the two substances together. Swim said her dream assured her that such a small dose would be ok, since swim normally takes between 1-1.5 mg per day and no more than that, and since the dose of clonazepam had been taken much earlier.

Swim does not want to go down the methadone path, but swim figured it's a safe alternative to the other options, at least for one night. Swim is still having cravings for heroin ... swim's friend's mom told her she could get other substances such as oxycodone or hydromorphone.

Swim has read a bit about the negatives of recreational methadone use, but wonders if it will help her at least temporarily stop her cravings for h.

*sigh*

on the one hand, methedone is supposed to reduce dependence potential by not hitting immediately (as is the case with smoking>shooting>snorting in that order). on the other, every personal statement swim has read has said otherwise once the person was physically dependent. swiy knows she's playing with fire and, swim thinks, based on what she's read in this post, that swiy can control this by liniting her access to the methadone, never indulging for more than a couple days at a time with long periods of abstinence in between, and other such safegurads that swiy uderstands already ("....for one night"). swiy certainly seems to possess a level of self-awareness conducive to this method of use--or swim wouldn't bother mentioning it. swim is also on k-pin's for ptsd and has not found them dangerous in the low doses mentioned, but swim will qualify this statement with the medical forewarning that benzo's exacerbate the respiratory-depressant effects of opiates and ideally should be avoided when opiates are involved--safety comes first. swiy obviously appreciates this, hence the stance on avoiding injecting, which swim agrees with completely. don't bother tempting fate it;s not worth the long-term consequences. swim has found that snorting an oxycontin/roxycette (sp?) on occasion is controllable, esp if she 'budgets' herself--ie, she designates a certain amount of cash for recreation when she decides to do so. just a thought--it's been a helpful strategy in her opinion.

if all this seems too risky, then just don't do it. explore the feelings behind the craving despite the decision to use or not use--this is key to understanding as swiy knows. but swim can say that she's managed to use intermittently and has avoided psychological and physical addictaion by using a series of self 'check-points' (for example: asking herself questions like 'Am i doing this to escape/avoid nasty feelings, anxiety, depression and being painfully honest with herself). she's definitely gone over the edge (there were extenuating circumstances, but it still sucked pulling everything back together again) but has managed to keep her life in order while still using on occasion (pretty much as she did before). swiy did mention that she felt she was worried about being partly psychologically addicted. swim has two (somewhat contradictory) ideas in this regard:

1) the ideal option is probably to stay away if swiy feels she is at risk for major problems

2) the realistic option is that swiy will get something when she has the opportunity, esp if she's thinking about it a lot, and to be mentally and emotionally prepared for this to happen. swim was fine for years and had an episode where she certainly sruggeld with opiates and cocaine (which she found to be significantly more psychologically addictive, btw). she doesn't have any desire for the latter and obviously still does opiates in a more controlled fashion now, and as she said, there were extenuating circumstances during that dire lapse in judgement.

ple keep posting on how/what happens...it matters to some of swius for sure. best wishes on whatever swiy's decision may be.

btw, swim has used methadone to prevent severe dope-sickness after more than 4 or so days use of H. the trick was to taper a quickly as possible and just expect some discomfort. it is useful for that and can be controlled, but swim def made sure to limit herself as much as possible. it's an aside, but info is valuable. one never knows when it might come in handy.

[Gappa]

Ohhh god be careful! Sooo many times I was right where you are right on the Event Horizon of that abysmal black hole. That's the only thing I can compare it to. I don't mean to put any non-fluffys or bad vibes into your stockings. Once the physical part starts it's all a big nasty fucked up mess. It can happen with just one dose for some of us. I know if SWIM were to right this minute go and dig up the massive stash of mdone and take some SWIM would be right back where he started.... Exactly where you are at this moment. Noone should have to suffer so bad as SWIM has. just ask any of us "old dogs" how easily it starts. Mdone is especially bad because of it's crazy long half life.

[ScorpioSunshine]

Swim thanks swiys for all the replies. BIG thanks!!

Swiy appreciates the time, thoughtfulness and honesty put into the posts, and will definitely keep things updated.

Right now, Swim feels excellent. It's not quite what she was looking for ... not even close. But, swim thinks it's something she can do on occasion to keep from going on to something harder. In other words, it seems to be enough for now.

Swim may try something else in the future and skip methadone once these are gone; she's very curious. Swim definitely wants to keep things under control, and knowing swim, she can IF she really looks into what's driving this. Swim plans to do that.

But yes...swim has a lot of insight and control, but appreciates the honesty and is aware that she is tempting fate. Swim will be more proactive in the future, too. Should she decide to use, she will skip all doses of benzos, no matter how small.

Swim apologizes for any repetitiveness. She's feeling a little rushed right now between wanting to post here and having obligations around the house.

Holidays.......argh.

[Ilsa]

Originally Posted by ScorpioSunshine

Swim thanks swiys for all the replies. BIG thanks!!

Swiy appreciates the time, thoughtfulness and honesty put into the posts, and will definitely keep things updated.

Right now, Swim feels excellent. It's not quite what she was looking for ... not even close. But, swim thinks it's something she can do on occasion to keep from going on to something harder. In other words, it seems to be enough for now.

Swim may try something else in the future and skip methadone once these are gone; she's very curious. Swim definitely wants to keep things under control, and knowing swim, she can IF she really looks into what's driving this. Swim plans to do that.

But yes...swim has a lot of insight and control, but appreciates the honesty and is aware that she is tempting fate. Swim will be more proactive in the future, too. Should she decide to use, she will skip all doses of benzos, no matter how small.

Swim apologizes for any repetitiveness. She's feeling a little rushed right now between wanting to post here and having obligations around the house.

Holidays.......argh.

off-topic but ditto on the holidays...swim would just as soon not have them. but there are good things too, like crack! j/k sorry the squirreliness has officially set in. swim says methadone is pretty different from other opiates. it's theoretically designed to reduce dependence potential by 1) taking some time (at least an hour in her experience) to hit and 2) not hitting all at once. since he two defining factors in dependince potential, how hard and fast a drug hits is generally proportional to it's dependence potential (injection vs oral administration for example). while this hasn't worked in practice per se, it is marginally better for 'coping' short-term adn less lrewarding than other alternatives, despite the fact that it's a full agonist. touchy touchy, swim says. not worth it for the high most certainly.

[Gappa]

I can't say how many times I have heard someone say "I am in control" Insight and wisdom will tell you that this stuff is the worst poison ever cooked up by the human mind. I can say with absolute confidence everyone else here will back me on this. Just read the "screaming in the night air" thread that should tell you all you need to know courtesy of the great "Dr D" of course. I wish I had read that thread 9 months ago before I made the decision to start taking m-done. The time you might feel "high" is multiplied 100x on the downside.
But it does sound like SWIY are dead set on "tickling" the dragon. And in SWIMs hayday anyone trying to tell SWIM different I would tell to get fucked straight away. People were telling me the same things... don't do it... you will regret it.... and I did but that was my salt and I had to take my wounds like a man. To each his own and m-done did keep SWIM clean from whatever else he was going to do for that 9 months he was on it. But SWIMs life suffered immensely.

[ScorpioSunshine]

Swim thanks swiys again.

Update: Swim says she's glad she took the methadone (it was pleasant enough at first she says), and though she will not let the rest of it go to waste, this will be her last go round with it.

The initial buzz was enjoyable, but not fantastic, she says. She also says that she feels nauseous (different from nausea she experienced at times on H) and also feels slightly speedy --definitely no longer swim's thing.

Swim wants to clean everything in sight and doesn't foresee sleeping well tonight. Swim also wants to smoke cigarettes which she quit ... Blech. Swim says it's OK, but nothing she can see doing again.

Swim also is a little antsy, slightly shaky, and overall not seeing this being worth another try. Swim will hang on to the remaining 3 for future purposes of getting rid of the gawdforsaken migraines she gets on occasion.

Swim is happy she's not overly fond of this feeling in light of the good advice relayed to her this evening.

[Gappa]

Addagirl!

Gappa added 7 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...

Just whatever you do don't take it again at least for like a week. Even after doing like 10mg you may still have the creeping urge over the next few days to do it again. It is this repetition that causes the physical addiction.

[ScorpioSunshine]

Swim assures that she won't, lol.

[ScorpioSunshine]

Swim needs to report that while she has stayed away from heroin, she is about to embark on a hydrocodone adventure. Within safety parameters of course, since swim is not doing a CWE. Swim is searching for those safety parameters right now.

Swim has been using hydrocodone here and there over the last few weeks (swim means ... very very lightly), but she's about to use it right here right now slightly more than lightly.

Swim hates herself right now for needing this and wanting it.

Any kind words for swim would help.

Note: This isn't a pity-party, call for help, I'm about to do something stupid thread.

Swim is just upset at herself.

[rokman nash]

What does swim consider more than lightly?


ROC do the day or the day will do you

[ScorpioSunshine]

Swim has about 15 - 10/650s plus access to more. She doesn't plan to take them all at once of course, it's not like that.

Swim's tolerance dropped significantly during her clean years.

She recently took a 7/500 and was euphoric like she couldn't believe. But she felt her tolerance go up pretty quickly, was using 1.5 at a time then 2. Swim's tolerance is still very low. 2 -2.5 and she was right or better than right. 3 and she was too right and felt the effects the next day.

Swim knows that seems low, but again, she has completely lost her tolerance.

So lightly for swim would be 2-3 7/500s for two days ,off for many days. Now swim has these 10/650s. She's been hanging on to them but is ready to put them to use.

This use just started back over the last two weeks.

[rokman nash]

Well this isn't something my friend is proud of but he has taken 50 -vic10,s in a day "chasing the buzz" when he couldn't get his DOC. 2-3 10's has never hurt anyone he has met,just wish he was in a position to use occasionally.But my friend doesn't know when to say when,so has had to stop altogether.Happy Trails.

ROC
do the day or the day will do you

[ScorpioSunshine]

Swim is very appreciative of swiy's posts. Thanks :=)