Drug Free for 2009???

[beena]

As some of you may know SWIM has been addicted to crack-cocaine for nine years and opiates including morphine, tramadol and heroin for about two years. SWIM has unsuccessfully tried to stop on many occasions. As a member of this forum for two years (in fact SWIM joined when she was trying to come off crack cocaine, relapsed with that, started abusing weak opiates such as tramadol, later morphine and then heroin and the whole saga has been documented on threads/posts on this forum!), SWIM has struggled to keep clean. Getting off, as many of you will have experienced personally, is only half the struggle: staying off is where the real work begins.
Recently SWIM went to stay with her folks in the Channel Islands for three weeks in a bid to get clean but it didn't work and since October her drug-use has slowly been escalating again until now, when it is back to her pre-Channel island break levels.
Anyway, one thing that SWIM can say about herself is that she never gives up giving up! And SWIM is going to say now that she plans to stop again over Christmas, so hopefully 2009 will be new beginnings for SWIM and her partner (who also desperately wants to stop).
SWIM just thought she would start a thread for anyone else who is perhaps in a similar position and would like to publically pledge on this forum that they too are going to try and stay drug-free in 2009. I know it's hard but SWIM will try and keep in touch with every single person who is brave enough to join up on this thread and maybe together we'll be stronger.
Here's looking forward to 2009 ...

[chillinwill]

Red Rock will continue to be drug free from all opiates in 2009 and the only thing he plans on doing next year is occasional social drinking and some psychedelic usage.

[~lostgurl~]

Good luck Beena, hope you manage to kick the habits this time around - no one gives up first time.

[cuddlesthefox]

Just to add briefly, not only my thorough support but if the OP does it then so will swim!!!
Now this will obviously depend on a number of things. If swim suddenly finds a dealer with the best gear known to man, then this may be a typically outrageous lie.
Also, married life and all. So far it's brill but chemicals maybe required at some stage.
And swim loves pills.
And Swim loves heroin like more than his (swim nearly said wife) more than his shoes, which are pretty lush... Jeffery West you know.
So, you know, (hopefully you will already) swim really hopes you do it pet.
Good luck and swim is always here if needed.

[KomodoMK]

Good luck Benna, always here if you need some support or a chat, but you know that already.

Little fishy intends not to touch cocaine completely in 2009. He gave up last new years but has had around 6 small relapses (couple of lines here and there) over the course of the last 11 months. For all intents and purposes he was successful at what he set out to achieve because his only spent around 40 quid on it in a year rather than 40-80 a week.

[Annasolveig]

The only way swim can stay clean is to be active in a 12 step group. As unappealing as it sounds. Swim has been clean for 4 yrs now, had 3 wonderful years, but last year was boring as hell so I think I want to start using again

Reputation Comments on this post:

Thank you for your honesty. You help me with clean 2 years now. Keep it happy in life!

[Lurker44]

boring? Why not make your life more interesting, instead of embarking on a path that you know is capable of destroying you. There are many ways to make life interesting. There is no use feeding your own vulnerable spots.

[Dickon]

I was going to get clean in 2009, because that's the year I turn 40! I'm glad I got the yucky w.d. out of the way in 2008. Best of luck with your masterplan Beena. I pledge I'll not be using in 2009. You won't be alone. It will be an interesting year for many of us.

Love to all

Dickon

[chillinwill]

Originally Posted by Dickon

I was going to get clean in 2009, because that's the year I turn 40! I'm glad I got the yucky w.d. out of the way in 2008. Best of luck with your masterplan Beena. I pledge I'll not be using in 2009. You won't be alone. It will be an interesting year for many of us.

Love to all

Dickon

It will indeed be a very interesting year for many of us. Red Rock has never gone this long without using heroin since before he started using and he can only imagine the possibilities that life holds without him using as he is still very young and getting ready to start college once again. Red Rock really loves this forum has it has become his support network and he feels like the people on here can help him out more than say people in NA. This might not work for everyone and anyone who is trying to get clean has to find what works for them and this is what works for Red Rock.

[KomodoMK]

Originally Posted by chillinwill

This might not work for everyone and anyone who is trying to get clean has to find what works for them and this is what works for Red Rock.

So true. Little fishy has found reading some threads on this forum actually trigger his cravings or temptations for substances sometimes. Quite a lot years ago for cocaine and more recently RC's like bk-MDMA and 4-MMCAT.

[Fight Club]

Great idea Beena. Why don't we all pledge to stay clean from this moment forward?

FC

[beena]

Thanks everyone for the support .... and well done KomodoMK ... SWIM didn't know you'd stopped using this last year ... everyone's entitled to a couple of relapses anyway, main thing is SWI-Komodo's using less and less. SWIM hopes next year she'll be where SWIY is now, although hopefully without any relapses!

[beena]

SWIMs partner got busted yesterday for a drug-related crime. The police refused him bail at first too. He phoned me up on a mobile he'd managed to sneak into the cell and was panicking big-time about it. The custody sergeant said he had too much prior on his record and because he might be facing a custodial sentence they thought there was a risk he might not turn up to court. He spoke to his solicitor who said there was no way they should detain him cos although he has a record he always turns up to court regardless of the likely outcome and that they shouldn't detain him anyway cos of his poor health. She got him to see the doctor cos he's epileptic and on serious medication (anti-convulsant meds, plus morphine - MST - and tramadol), hoping the doctor would say he wasn't fit to be detained but the doctor was a really nasty fella and basically couldn't give a toss. He gave my boyfriend a couple of dihydrocodeine pills and told the custody sergeant that they could carry on detaining him.
Luckily his solicitor was brilliant - she went over all their heads and spoke to the Inspector of the nick who agreed for him to have an independent medical examination this morning. He saw another doctor this morning, first thing, who told the police they could only hold him if there was 2 of them watching over him at all times in case he had a fit - and if he did have a fit he was to be taken to hospital immediately. Needless to say he was bailed within an hour of seeing this last doctor!
Seriously though, it looks like he's looking at beginning 2009 behind bars. Especially shite as we had plans to try and get clean together in the new year.

[chillinwill]

This is slightly off topic but Beena just because your partner is getting locked up more than likely doesn't mean that yall still can't stick with your goal of getting clean in 2009. Sometimes being in jail can help someone to get clean while sometimes it can hinder it. Drugs are accessible in jail just like they are in everyday life. It just depends on how determined one is to stay off them. Now granted he probably won't have the resources of NA and such but there are still many other ways to get clean and do it from jail. Also, even if your partner doesn't manage to stay clean in jail, don't let that hinder your goal of becoming drug free and staying clean in 2009. First and foremost, you have to take care of yourself first. If you can't take care of yourself, it is going to be very very hard to be able to help your partner in his recovery as well.

Reputation Comments on this post:

good advice.

[KomodoMK]

Originally Posted by beena

Thanks everyone for the support .... and well done KomodoMK ... SWIM didn't know you'd stopped using this last year ... everyone's entitled to a couple of relapses anyway, main thing is SWI-Komodo's using less and less. SWIM hopes next year she'll be where SWIY is now, although hopefully without any relapses!

Little fishy would be very surprised (and also proud) of anyone who could do it without relapses. I think those relapses could be a key part of recovery, that feeling of failure when you do can be the wonderful push you need to jump that final hurdle. If that makes sense!?

[beena]

Sadly whenever SWIM has been clean for any period of time and then had a relapse her immediate thought is one of doom and gloom. She says to herself 'Right - that's it! You've blown it again already. Now you're gonna be back on the gear just as you were before' and because she can't get away from this feeling/thought/attitude - whatever you wanna call it - sure enough she does continue using. One relapse for SWIM is never just one relapse - rather it is the beginning of another period of heavy and sustained drug use/addiction. SWIM desperately needs to break this cycle and get away from that negative attitude - I think it's made worse by the fact it's not just her either but rather her and her partner of nine years are trying to get clean together.

[cra$h]

swim drug free for the next year, and potentially forever? HAH! yea right. Swim's going to probably have to die to stop the psychonautic experiences, and that date's getting shorter and shorter. It's a sad story, but we've all made choices, and having fun and learning is more importaint than working hard today, and enjoying it extravigantly tomorrow. When swim started getting into drugs other than weed, he joined these forums, so swim's only been in the game for around 3 years now, and already shows signs of addiction. Swim was fiening for any intoxicant the other night, and lost a little sleep over it.

But enough of swim's story of being naive, and the best luck to all those making an attempt to control the drugs, for you're much better off, even through the hard times it takes to get there.

[beena]

^ Actually SWIM is more worried about her prospects of staying clean if he goes to jail. The thing is before when he has been incarcerated he has stayed straight (apart from a bit of weed perhaps), but SWIM has extra money because he always leaves her his money to pay for bills but the extra cash is enough for SWIM to feed herself, pay some bills and quite happily support her drug habit. Whereas when the two of them are together the money they get is nowhere near enough to pay for their combined drugs habits, feed themselves and pay household bills ... which makes their will to wanna stop quite high. But when SWIM is alone with both of their incomes available she can do all these things comfortably ... which makes her will to stop low.
At the moment SWIM's will and desire to stop is higher than it's ever been before. She's very anxious that this will change again if her partner is incarcerated.
Sorry for going off-topic with this one.

[beena]

^ 3 years? Already showing signs of addiction? Lol, I should bloody think so!

As long as SWI-Crash is ok with drug-taking and the way SWIY's living his life then that's great - there's nothing wrong with that - no-one should be made to feel guilty for using drugs after all, it's a lifestyle choice. But one day SWIY might feel different.
SWIMs been using for 9 years so it's been the focus of her life for the best part of a decade and she feels that is enough dedication to chemical alteration for one person!
Hence getting clean for 2009.

[RaverHippie]

Originally Posted by KomodoMK

Little fishy would be very surprised (and also proud) of anyone who could do it without relapses. I think those relapses could be a key part of recovery, that feeling of failure when you do can be the wonderful push you need to jump that final hurdle. If that makes sense!?

While none of my raver friends have the experience to share about being addicted to something, I could imagine that these relapses could be used to show you that "you're not missing out on anything" when temptation rises to a crescendo in life.

Is that the case? or do they rekindle the old feelings of enjoyment back when the fishy was using quite often?

[KomodoMK]

Originally Posted by RaverHippie

While none of my raver friends have the experience to share about being addicted to something, I could imagine that these relapses could be used to show you that "you're not missing out on anything" when temptation rises to a crescendo in life.

Is that the case? or do they rekindle the old feelings of enjoyment back when the fishy was using quite often?

In the case of Cocaine all it created is feelings of guilt and temporary depression. Little fishy never really got a wonderful buzz from coke, not like others, so he couldn't understand why he did it. It was a waste of money and he used to feel really shit both physically and mentally the next day.

Little fishy see the nasty effects Cocaine had on his sisters and best friends relationships and how hurt they were. This was the final turning point for him, every time the temptation was there he would think of them and it was enough to stop him. The relapses were a key part to recovery, they added that little bit more motivation required to cease use.

[sylenth]

the smurfs have been down this road many years & attempted to be clean from the new year & it always takes the turn down the old familiar street... it's been 10 years of drug use for smurf & smurf also feels like crash & it's just a part of lifes little game now & dealing with the up's & down's are just regular practice these days.

all wishing to come clean & take a bath for the new year, i wish you all the best in an attempt that many seek & fail to. there's a lot of strong minded swimmers here & i'm confident a new year will provide many good results for most.

beena it sounds like sweys partner is always in trouble with the law. really hoping things work out for the two of you 'be it alone or together.' wishing peace & hapiness to all battling with their problems for the future...

[cra$h]

For the first time ever, swim ruined a relationship over drugs. Swim broke up with his girlfriend because he was putting the drugs first, and gave up someone that loved him....something he was looking for for years......and just the other day heard the worst words ever "wow, all you think about is drugs". as deep as it cut, it doesn't stop anything..... But I don't know, we'll see how swim turns out, I'll keep posted.

[beena]

That's sad Cra$h and I really hope things work out ok for you. But in SWIMs experience when addiction is involved there really isn't much room for anything or anyone else: the drugs takeover and they wanna own you ... they don't wanna share you with anyone else.
SWIM and her partner have muddled through and survived because they're both addicted and so they both know the score and know that for the time being at least there is always gonna be that one thing that comes before the other ... it's sad but it works. If SWIM gave up drugs though and her partner didn't or vice-versa I don't think they would last two days together.

[cra$h]

yea, that's what swim's looking towards, a partner with as much adventure as swim, but hopefully will let him know when to slow down. But swim's using to escape himself. He's always been told he thinks differently, and now it's starting to get him not only in situations none of his peers would consider, but he just wants to be normal, and just do as he's "supposed to", and drugs help him forget about everyone else, including himself, and while he's intoxicated, he's just like everyone else, especially with opiates and amphetamines. But swim plans on leaving home within a year or so, and a fresh start should be good for him.

It's nice to be able to tell people swim's sob story, and they can actually relate to it. Brings a bit of normalcy to himself; very importaint.