Dreaming in the night air: the sequel. Withdrawal over, what now?

[Dickon]

Exactly Dick, they stick pins in your ears, and surprisingly it's rather relaxing.

Relapse prevention tip for the day: Go play on a swing! I was giggling like a child, trying to get it so high that the chains lost tension and the thing chunked down!

60 days and counting for me! Wayhay. It's all good.

[Dickon]

OK everyone. I shall be going over to the USA on Monday. If there is anyone near Tryon in North Carolina, let me know! I shall be over there until the 8th January. The details are sad, in that my wife's uncle has had a stroke, and seemed to be in a really bad way. He's had a defibrillator fitted, as he was suffering from atrial fibrillation. The news now seems a little better, but we are going to visit him.

So this is really an advanced warning that I probably won't be posting much or at all until I get back. Nothing in life is certain, and I might find myself spending the night-shift tapping away at some alien keyboard! Stranger things have happened. But until then DF might just have to survive without me. So, everyone, I expect a good array of quality and humourous posts. Most of all I want to see everyone successfully through their withdrawals. I am leaving the house in the capable hands of a friend who will be 5 years off opiates in March I think. Our collective pets used drugs together in former lives, beginning over 20 years ago. It's a happy story that he's made it out the other side too, although he does drink too much some times, and his pet enjoys a joint or two or three.....He came round tonight and the two of us and my wife got a really nice Indian take-away delivered, which is the first such meal any of us have had in ages. We had a great chat, of the kind impossible on opiates, since genuine warm human connection is impossible on them in my opinion. I showed him the rational recovery slide show that Dick showed me a while back. The link is:-

http://rational.org/html_bullets/Bullet1.html

I recommend anyone to take a look at this. Seeing it again today, and reading out to James, my friend, and my wife was a powerful experience.

Today I am two calendar months away from that which must not be named. I am optimistic in my returning physical health. Tonight is early night night for me, as we've got a lot to organise in a short time and I'm not a good traveler, and am apprehensive about the jet-lag. It will be all good fun, as it's another new experience, and I get to meet Uncle Ben in person. My father-in-law, who I've traveled with once before to Italy, where we were both talking at a maths conference, is however a far worse traveler than me, although both he and my wife are American citizens and although Kate's lived most of her time in England, she's spent a fair bit of time in America. I've only been for a couple of weeks to see my mother in law, who I find, let's just say, difficult---we have very different value systems, inter alia---as has little Ubu, our son, although he went on a seperate occasion. No, he's not really called Ubu, that's a nickname! He is THE sweetest little squeaker on the planet! I am so glad he will get to know the real me.

Peace and love to all with a dollop of raspberries to the unpeaceful and the unloving

Dickon

[witchychick]

hi dickon, newbie here. just wanted to say that this thread is a great help to others i am sure, and is a brave and courageous thing to undertake. you are doing great from what i can see.. kudos to you and i hope you stay so positive despite the massive task you have, you can do it !

[Dickon]

Bollocks. I've just typed a long post and it's disappeared into the ether. Never mind. I'm in America, in North Carolina, in a small town called Tryon. My wife, son, father-in-law and I are visiting my wife's uncle Ben, who had a stroke but the good news is that he seems to be doing well, and getting better day by day.

We stopped over in Newark, and I got to visit New York for an hour or so, and I saw The Empire State Building up close, and even saw the Statue of Liberty from the Plane. Ben has a signed copy of a book by "Deep Throat", who he knew and used to have lunches with, so I feel suitably immersed in Americana. We've experienced "Southern Hospitality", the neighbours are really friendly, and we were all invited to a Christmas Eve meal, and I even ate a mouthful of Grits. In New York it was -10 C (14 F) but on Christmas Day in Tryon the thermometer on the porch read 24 C (75 F) and I had my top off and was sunbathing! It was wonderful. Henry (our son) has been an angel and keeps everyone amused. I even managed 100 catches juggling 5 balls! Not a lot, but I was having trouble doing 10 a week ago. I survived Christmas without so much as a drink which is good!

Witchy Chick, Thanks for the post, it's lovely to see you here. I don't only write on here to agrandize my toad-like ego!! I think just knowing someone else walked a path will give hope to others. If you really want to read the early part of my story you could try wading through the "Screaming in the Night Air" thread to which this is the sequel. I'm so glad I quit! I just wouldn't have been able to drop everything and come over to the States had I not. It's such a freedom!

Well I shall try and pop back from time to time, but am not back in England for a while (13 days). Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all

Dickon [no longer in the land of the cowardly and the home of the enslaved]

[AvidFan]

I hope that last bit refers to addiction and not the UK in general, hey Dickon

I feel I can pop into this thread now, and write more personally, seeing as X is doing quite well now. Certain activities I do maybe illegal somewhere (for example in France it is illegal to call a pig Napeleon, but I have never done this and if I had, I would blame it on X or SWIM or such other; apparently in Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk, so SWIM will have to lay claim to that one too)

I have been doing a bit of dreaming lately - in fact the other night had the most lucid dream I have ever had, first of all grabbing hold of everything and saying, "Hang on, this is a dream, but I can touch things, I can hold things, the ground is solid as I stamp my feet..." Next minute I went outside and decided to try flying like Superman, and that was pretty cool (although may be self incriminatory if done in Vatican City). I won't go into some other stuff I did, but I had quite a lot of fun; lucid dreams, when they come along, are pretty amazing So right now I can touch my keyboard and hold things, but who's to say this isn't a dream too....

Anyway, just feeling playful and dreamy today after getting some sleep finally last night. Am going back into post nuclear Washington DC to kill monsters and stuff shortly, so if I don't return for a while...

Until later

[Dickon]

I've just driven back from Atlanta to N.C., about 200 miles, after visiting the mother-in-law. To give people a flavour of our relationship last time I saw her she had flown over from the States to England, and was visiting for 14 days. After about 7 I told her she was the rudest person I had ever met, and we had a blazing row. The upshot was that she snuck out in the middle of the night, and took a flight home. After the row I'd gone up to see her and said that although we were never likely to like each other, we had one thing in common, loving my wife. She refused to have an adult conversation with me. The cat was drinking and taking dexedrine at the time, so was probably less than the ideal son-in-law.

We visited from Friday evening, through Sunday lunch, and I am glad to say I didn't murder her. The best part of the visit was visiting the Georgia Aquarium, and seeing whale sharks, rays and beluga whales and sea dragons. For the rest of the time, I tried to minimize contact, and counted the hours until I was "free". I think after I'd had a go at her last time we saw each other she was cautious around me and didn't misbehave. The evil woman waited until I had gone, and then proceeded to undermine my wife, which is the reason I was so furious with her when she was in England. I am glad Kate only told me about this after we'd left.

Even in the light of sober reflection, I stand by my having a go at her. I am someone who needs to clear the air. I think this is really important, especially if one is living clean. There is nothing worse than leaving a situation with unaired hostility.

Well, after 200 miles I am back with father-in-law, John and uncle(-in-law), Ben. John and I had a chat about the foundations of mathematics and finitary set-theory. Our baby boy has been so delightful, and loves me lifting him up and dropping him down quickly. "Up Daddy High", laugh, "Up Daddy"!! The look in his eyes and his smile is something to live for! As John said, if he and I had existed for some purpose it was to create the little imp. I cannot convey the joy he gives me. It is a tragedy of addiction that the cat couldn't give up simply inspired by the birth of a first son. It is a lesson learnt the hard way. But as I start week 12 away from things naughty, I know that I would not be getting a tenth the pleasure from Henry as I am had Growltiger still been on methadone. I'd not have been able to go to America either!

I really like Uncle Ben. Despite the stroke he's still got his sense of humour, and most if not all of his memories. He's a really interesting character, a historian who'd worked in Washington, and had met three presidents.

Much as I am enjoying Ben and John's company, it's pretty stressful in some ways, as John is getting anxious about Ben's situation, we need to do a lot of organising and hospital trips. Luckily the health insurance situation apropos Ben seems to have been resolved well, and he will be able to go into a facility for 90 days after we leave, doing various therapies that might help him. The next joyous bureaucracy is the UK visa application, which is now farmed out to a private company and is arranged on a "points system": thus seeming to offer no redress from the "computer says no" idiocy! Ho hum.

AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........I just need to unwind and get some sleep, de mother-in-law, and then it's off for a frenetic day of hospital visits, returning second hire-car, sorting out Ben's tax payments, etc. etc.

Cat however has been very well behaved, and is not playing with monkeys! I dread the trip home, as it will probably be another 24 hours of traveling, America is quite different from England: it's much bigger, and there's kudzu everywhere, at least in the South East. It's been good having DF to take myself out of myself, and write some posts trying to help people, and now finally to say a bit more about how I'm doing. Despite a few gripes and moans, I have to say I am proud of myself, and I'm enjoying the change of scene. I am looking forward to being home too; I feel somewhat like Mole in Wind-in-the-Willows. My wife and I are both missing Growltiger (who perhaps I slander somewhat on here!), as he is also a very real Bengal Cat, being looked after, I hope, by the very real James, who is house-sitting for us.

Well, I'm off to bed, then let's see what day 79 will bring!

Love to all

Dickon

[Richard_smoker]

sounds like you're doing well dealing with the various nuances of sober life! -DICK

[AvidFan]

Back to the mundanity of January - rather than a new start, it always seems quite dull after the anticlimax of Christmas!

Yesterday X did some exercise, not running as it had snowed and was treacherous underfoot, so he stayed indoors and did weights and situps etc with some loud music on, as well as running on the spot. His calves ache today, but it felt good.

He has his first "clean" business meeting with a client for quite some time later today - of course the thought crossed his mind that it would be easier to get through with a little something, but he crossed that thought right out again. It will be different and new, and will be a nice change not to be in the middle of an Oxy nod while trying to get to grips with a new challenge, or even nodding off during the meeting.

After that meeting, he is going to a creative writing group, so needs to print off a poem or 2 now to take with him. It's a busy week.

He apologises for the third person, he has just got so unused to writing in the first person

[AvidFan]

Finally, I have been out, and done some running. It's been three months or more - first a stress fracture, then WD's, then flu and chest infections - the last time I went out running was on day 3 of Patient X's withdrawal, that was a totally different experience, today it was much more - well, normal, although a bit tough as the old lungs and heart didn't know what had hit them. Managed to cover 5k with a run/walk recovery schedule that meant I actually ran for 20 minutes with about 15 minutes worth of walk breaks, which was pretty good going - cardiovascularly I could have done more, glad that has not "gone", but the bones and muscles may have softened up with the layoff so need to just build it up gradually. 3 months ago I was getting around 5k in about 23 minutes, but that will come back - and even better times for an imaginary ex smoker/drinker/junkie await!

Being clean is about having fun and also about achieving goals. I have entered two races - a small 10k in March, and the Great Manchester Run in May which is pretty huge (will be raising cash for charity again as they give you a nice vest). Last running season I just failed to make a sub 50 minute 10k, but I feel based on today, I have a lot more to get out of this, and aim to piss all over the times I did last year as I won't be running with a monkey on X's back

It is also SO good for helping with the stress of other "stuff" going on right now, and a really positive focus. I am so glad to have been out there pounding the pavements again - it hurt at times, but it also felt marvellously liberating and vibrant.

[Dickon]

It's really good to see you feeling more active again X, and getting through the business meeting too. It seems like you're really on a growth curve at the moment. I've also been feeling a change since I got back from England, more a gentle kind of nudging, a need to make changes.

You and Rock both seem to have your work as a kind of anchor to reality. I don't have that, nor do I have a large network of people I am in contact with (addiction saw to that!) but I do have my family. I had my eyes opened to various things by reading Empathy for the Devil, which I've reviewed here, and thoroughly recommend to those who have detoxed. Importantly, I am now seeing addiction more in terms of a breakdown of social relations and that building up a good network of friends and people, and contributing to society is what I want and need to do. Going to the States and spending two and a half weeks of being around people other than my wife and son was a good experience. Nearly everyone we saw was really kind and helpful, and I am feeling more favourably disposed to the human race, although somewhat uncertain of my place in it.

Last night I was lying awake until about 4 in the morning (jet-lag), my mind racing, and I was drawn to thinking about the 12 steps, specifically step 4 and to a lesser extent 8. For those not in the know, step 4 is "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory", and step 8 is "We made a list of all people we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all". I suppose what is going on with me is an increasing awareness of a longer-term recovery process that requires a "spiritual path".

There are several things I am not proud of, and apologies to be made if I'm to eliminate some sense of shame or guilt about the past. There are also things I "should" be attending to, and my failure to do so is causing me minor discomfort. Taken all at once these things might be overwhelming, but I know from experience that is not how this process works.

Today, I bought a hardback A4 notebook and set about writing down some of the things I needed to sort out in my life, plans to become more sociable, more involved, writing down my good and bad points, a list of people I needed to make amends to, and the like. It was a beginning, but I have an urge to make an inventory. I was contemplating going back to NA, but I'm still holding off on that idea. It is a great place to meet recovering/recovered addicts in the real world, and I feel an increasing need for real 3-d contact. Tomorrow I am seeing my key worker, "Aftercare Mark", and I shall chat this through with him. 11 o'clock is still going to feel like 6 in the morning, but maybe forcing myself up a bit earlier will help me readjust to UK time.

It's all interesting stuff, and any input would be appreciated. I hope this is a positive development. Finally, guess what? I'm 12 weeks away today!

Love and bunny rabbits to all

Dickon

[rokman nash]

Well DrD with 6 weeks under my (smaller)belt I guess its time for Dave to jump in this thread feet first.

To be honest Dave's not sure he's ready to declare himself free yet.But saying that he certainly is not the miserable prick he had become before recovery began.

Dave tried the N/A meetings you spoke of,and had to walk out .He could not listen to the stories of people who were on"maintenance".Dave thinks along the lines either you shit or get off the pot.Now saying that he does not criticize anyone for their choice as long as there is some kind of progress.But listening to sniveling douchebags who had a 10th of the habit Dave quit was unacceptable.

Dave realizes that everyone has a different story/perspective on this,but to be on meth/bupe for over a year for some of the negligable habits that were talked about forced Dave to walk out.

OK ,Dave has that out of his system.Dave has started to REALLY sleep and dream or the first time in ages(which as been heavenly).Dave looks forward to posting more positively in this thread in the near future.

[Dickon]

Dave,

I understand what you're saying about not being sure if you're ready to declare yourself free. Freedom is such a weird concept. On one level I was free from the moment I started really feeling that I had mustered the will to succeed; as I remember I was pretty much certain of that from an early stage, despite many more weeks of w.d.s to get over. On another level I was free when I was eating and sleeping, and no longer so exhausted that I could barely stand up. On another level I'm still not free. There is always the chance of relapse. As I feel now, that is simply not going to happen. I have a good store of credit in the bank as it were, but personal change, and relapse dynamics are slippery customers. I feel this time is the charm, but the best I can say is that is how I feel now. I also have experience of relapse, and how difficult it was for me to extricate myself from.

For me, I am struggling more with accepting not drinking. I have a bottle of 25 year old Macallan from 1965 which I bought to drink. It is my favourite whisky, and I last drank a bottle of it in the room I had after my wife had it in college before we even knew each other. I have a distinct memory of sitting in the chair, with a tumbler on one arm, and the bottle of Macallan on the other arm, and just going "wow, this is the stuff".

I am not an NA member, but I am a believer in abstinence, because I know I find it hard to stop a gradual slide into drinking too much. In truth the last time I was drinking without using other substances for any length of time was almost 20 years ago, and then I was drinking about 8 pints a day every day, which was far too much. I had at the time stopped using my prefered poison, but eventually abandoned the experiment and went back to you can guess what. I also, much later on, had a brief period of two weeks in Crete which again involved a mild w.d. but where I drank, and again I wasn't doing so in a controlled way.

Yes a glass of a fine Cognac or Malt would "taste" nice, but I'm sure this "taste" I am after is something that goes deeper than the mouth. Who knows, maybe a crazy compromise would be to do a wine-taste swill and spit on it!! Nah, that's silly.

I am really surprised with your stories of people in NA going on about being on maintenance. That is extremely rare in England, and no one doing a main share should be on maintenance if you ask me. As the literature goes "we are people with the disease of addiction who must abstain from all drugs in order to recover". That said, "every group is autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or NA as a whole". My memory for this stuff is pretty good!

I think you are experiencing a very bad side of NA. Each group has it's own "character", some are very rough and newcomer/still-using addict oriented, whereas others have many years of experience being clean, and people with 5/10/20 years off drugs. Those people must be doing something right, or at least workable, even if they simply have the right mentality, and would be the ones who stayed clean no matter what method or lack of method they used. I think you should try and go to a good meeting before you dismiss NA for what seem to me to be reasons that are far from universally valid. And really, it's little or nothing to do with the size of the habit. The difficulty of quitting is a lot more to do with the level of social dysfunction, rather than pharmacological dependence. Phil Harris says this in "Empathy for the Devil", which I am now plugging, which as I've said I've reviewed in the book review section (where else!!), and I am behind him on this 100%.

Congratulations on getting to the place of good sleep. By the way, did you experience what I call a REM purge, a period of vivid dreams, maybe nightmarish or twisted, when you were first getting some troubled sleep? I did this time, as I've done before. Burroughs also described this phenomenon, and I'm wondering if it's common.

Keep on smiling! It's all good

Dickon

[rokman nash]

DrD , yes Dave had the freaky dreams.They mostly consisted of memories from childhood of watching Night of the Living Dead at much to young an age. These dreams seem to reoccur whenever Dave is in stressful situations,which detoxing certainly would be included.

I've thought about the points made about N/A ,Dave only tried one meeting,and to be honest went in with the intentions of walking out. Dave realizes it could have been the group ,but thinks(could be wrong) that he can find what he needs here.That being said he's going for a complete physical tomorrow morning,and will request a shrink referral,as he's much more comfortable one on one or anonymous(sorta like on here even though he thinks of you guys as family).

Just want to personally thank YOU for the time/effort you have put in for me personally,though I may not always agree with you,I certainly respect your opinions.

[Dickon]

I just thought I'd pootle along here, as I'm in a happy and upbeat mood and show off how well I'm doing!! lol. Nah, you know what I mean, it's good to post the ups as well as the downs!

This week has been a real turning point. Since my post on the 11th, I've had an awesome week. I went 5 rhythms dancing on Monday night. Oddly enough, when researching Ibogaine for a detox guide I'm writing, I discovered it referred to as a good part of a post-ibogaine body-based rehabilitation, and actually I first experienced 5 rhythms dancing in rehab. It's essentially free form movement, with the occasional "pick a partner", "get into a group of 4", etc. type thing. Although I felt really awkward at first, I soon got into it and had a really good time.

I had my teeth scrubbed on Tuesday, and they are now white (in a British not American way).

Yesterday I had a massage, meditated, and went to a Yoga class in the evening. Tomorrow I'm starting something called the Portal Programme, a kind of one/two day a week college thing about drug awareness, relapse prevention, harm reduction etc. It's another one of the benefits of aftercare, which I got into because of the free massages! Next week I've got two massages! I'm finally reaping the benefits of my misspent "youth"!

Tonight I'm going to do a Body Balance class, which I think is a Tai Chi, Yoga, Pilates hybrid. Finally, I am becoming me again!

La vie est belle, (as the advert goes)

Dickon [smirking]

[AvidFan]

Am really glad Dickon is doing so well

X wishes he could say the same, but he's got a lot of stuff to deal with and not finding much time for the happier stuff - still thought I would pop in here to say that I ran 5k (or 3.1 miles if you prefer) today, without having a walk break, I was hurting like a bastard at times but just kept going, and I looked at my stopwatch and was close to running it in under 30 minutes, so I sprinted the last couple hundred metres and almost collapsed in a heap - and managed to do it sub 30! Only 7 minutes to knock off until I am back to my best, but have already knocked off seven minutes since my first comeback run (half of which was walking) and this is only my 3rd proper run back for months, and I seem to be getting the hunger for it back - would recommend it, there is nothing like going out there in the sunshine (or snow, or rain) and propelling yourself forwards as fast as you can for as long as you can. Of course, it hurts, but it also feels great, and so blissful when you stop, especially when you've beaten a PB or even just come back after injury. Am looking forward to my first race of the year, that feeling of sprinting over the line as people cheer is really something to live for

[Dickon]

Well done with the running X.

I've never been much of a runner, although I did 20 minutes on level 8 on one of those ski-ing machines in the gym the other day and that almost did for me! Yesterday I went dancing, which is one of my favourite things. I suppose like music and touch it's another form of wordless communication, and I just like moving and seeing what happens. This was the second time I went to this 5 rhythms group, and I started out again feeling completely on my own as everyone else seemed to knew each other, or at least most of them did, but by the end I felt very connected, even though I exchanged about 3 words in the whole two hours. I'm lucky that once I get into it I'm not very self-conscious!

After that I had a boys night out in the pub, playing pool. I saw three friends, all of who knew me when I smoked (about 15 years ago or more), which was fun. I also laughed as much if not more than the others, and I was drinking fizzy water! We paired up and played pool, and the goodies won 5-1.

What else is new? I've got two massages booked for tomorrow and the day after which is something I totally love. I've also passed the 3 month mark.

I think a bit of practice X will have you running at a good speed again soon! I'm sure running is really good for endorphins, so that should help too. It I am so looking forward to the coming spring.

Dickon

[Rainbowzz]

Congrats Dickon, you deserve a healthy pat on the back for making it three months. SWIM is proud of you! you are doing such a good job,

[AvidFan]

Just sticking to posting my positives here, so will be quite brief, as running is just about the only positive I have in my life at the moment.

Did another 5k today, and took 70 seconds off the previous time, so am steadily improving. Again, it numbed my anxiety and took the edge off the shit way I've been feeling of late. I keep trying to write a response in my Patient X thread but it keeps coming out wrong so it's still stuck in draft at the moment

Just wish I could run every day but am not ready for that yet. But it's nice to get a bit of the running mojo back and today I was running for a sub 29 and not just to finish the distance Will be back to sub 24 before long!

[AvidFan]

Back again, sometimes I feel I am a different person from the X who previously posted - sometimes it's a case of X one day, Y the next, and Z the next then back to X... Still, more positives are appearing through the adversity!

X went and got laid again the other day, it wasn't perfect, and it was certainly a bit hampered by the stress and fatigue he's been experiencing lately, but nonetheless enjoyable and nice to chill out all cuddled up with another warm human for a few hours

Today went running again and finally got a well deserved runners' high - ran 7k today (or just under 4.5 miles SWIY prefers) and actually ran it at almost as quick a pace as the flat out 5k two days ago - without even noticing! After 5k, felt a rush of heat up my spine and what can only be described as an explosion of euphoria in the brain, I'd had a mild headache in the morning and that was obliterated. Slowed down towards the last K, and when I stopped and took a walking warm down back to my house, I felt like I was walking on air with a sense of blissful peace and happiness I've not experienced for some time.

Well, that's set me up for the day. Bring it on. Who needs opiates! Natural ones will do just fine and enhance life instead of taking it over

[AvidFan]

X hopes there are still others able to come to this thread - even if there are aspects of post life withdrawal that suck, why not post the positives here? That's what I'm doing.

Seems mostly about running at the moment - felt stressed today, so brought tomorrow's run forward, as always did some circuit training and weights to get warmed up, then set off into a lovely cooling drizzle. Set off at something of a suicidal pace and was hurting after 1.5k, but somehow kept it going all the way and took another 70 seconds off my previous time, so am now down to 27:41 - won't be long before I am sub 25 at least - and the good thing is, I don't think I have really gained much fitness back yet (apparently it takes 2-3 weeks to get the full value of a run into your system) - a lot of it is mental, I am regaining the confidence that when my lungs are busting and my heart's hammering, I can just keep the fuck going until I stagger over my target distance

Enjoying the afterglow now, and feel I can run more often now as the legs are a bit more used to it.

[Dickon]

I wrote something when I was in a really happy mood on here, but it suffered the "great purge of 27/28th January", so no longer exists! Anyway, I'm over 100 days in now, and things are going well. I'm dancing, meditating, doing my one day a week at college, and having my massages. Life is, for the most part, great. I've been pootling about on the piano a bit as well, and the house is a bit tidier! I'm sure meditation makes for a cleaner house. Don't ask me quite how this works, but when I meditate I tend to tidy too.

I'm in a good mood, because January is coming to an end, and I begin my spring in February. Yep, I know that makes me a terminal optimist, but that's a good thing to be! My wife is getting a massage from "magic-fingered Clare" on Thursday, and she's going to stay for dinner! I will save my eulogy for Clare for another time, but she is a complete star.

Maybe this weekend I'll manage to get to a yoga class. I do hope so, as I feel that's something I need right now. I need to reinhabit myself as fully as possible!

X, it's good that you're knocking off the time on your runs. It's a good endorphin thing I bet! Although it seems far too strenuous for me at moment! Who knows, in time, I might be pounding the pavements, but not today! Great to see you still fighting the good fight.

Dickon

[oggy]

Well done Dickon and other members that have detoxed. SWIM is now 8 and a half months clean from methadone, it sure has been a tough time for SWIM, the first 4 months were the easy bit the last 4 months have been very stressful for the main reason of not having a job and having all that time on ones hands. The lethargy just doesn't go away and probably never will go away unless one gets a job and just works his ass off. SWIM has been going to the gym and having great workouts, he feels strong again but the gym only takes up 3 hours a week. SWIM is no longer in withdrawal, the lethargy is more to do with the fact he's not doing enough and most of SWIM's hobbies cost money. Not working leads to boredom, boredom leads to frustration and stress.

On a positive note SWIM has recently got his driving licence back from a 3 year ban, he bought a car and got a job in the space of 2 days. He starts work tonight.

Dickon, I enjoyed your screaming thread it was entertaining and you made withdrawal seem like a bit of fun. Its definitely a life experience not many get the privilege of.

Anyway I'd like to say more but I can't think of anything interesting to say without sounding slightly negative, so much for positive thinking eh? In a few weeks time hopefully I will have a different mind set from the negatives that come from boredom. I think its important to work hard to enjoy play time.

Dickon you must be the happiest man alive, you have a beautiful family (wife and kid), home and your clean, what else could a man possibly want?

We also have to remember that not all of us have a loved one to look after us (for SWIM it was his mother). Rehab should be more available to the ones without the support.

[Dickon]

I realise I haven't posted on here in a long while, and I'm going through a non-communicative phase. For the last couple of days, I've looked at posts, and not really had anything much to say, or the ability to get typing. It happened before a while back, and I suppose it's just one of those swings and cycles things.

In truth, I've been quite tired of late, although nothing like the lethargy of earlier months. In a couple of days I'll be 4 months off everything apart from caffeine (which I'm seriously considering giving up too, at some stage, although hardly as a matter of urgency. Who knows, I may get back to my vegetarian, non-drinking, non-smoking, no caffeine health trip. Although with a young son, I might have to/choose to forgo the vegetarianism).

I've settled into a little routine sitting zazen on Monday at 7am and Wednesday at 7.30pm and dancing Monday evenings, with my college thing on Friday and sometimes Mondays. Wednesday is also "Baby College", which is fun.

Yesterday was an interesting mix of things and people. The Zen people in the morning, then I hung round with the guys on day release from prison after college, and then went "prancy dancing" with more Hippy, "cosmic" types in the evening. People are a funny lot, and I like them for the most part!

Oh, Trauma Princess, I just saw your post, as we had just gone out en famille to a play group, and I noticed you'd posted half-way though typing this. I am glad you liked the twister image. You know, the odd thing was, this time round, it was wide of the mark in the sense that I was so committed. God knows why, or where it all came from, suffice to say I can be a stubborn so-and-so, but what makes me choose to become stubborn eludes me. Therein the deeper mystery of life. Not what to do, but how to get yourself to do it.

In answer to your question, I do the cryptic crosswords, not so much the little ones, except to try to help my wife finish them. She likes to do both kinds, whereas I mostly do cryptic ones.

Damn it, I'm sure I had something to say! At the end of the dancing last night I said it was "chromatic", i.e., I went through a broad range of emotions. I had a weird crack craving driving over (must have been empathy for my cat!), and I danced it out, or rather I danced out my anger towards the drug. I have no idea how well sitting zazen and dancing compare to counseling, but, and here I'm flying blind and am almost certainly wrong, an idea that appealed to me is the difference between unraveling and cutting Karma (a word I am loath to use as it means so many different things to different people). I think psychotherapy is about unravelling Karma but sitting zazen is about cutting it. I'm not sure if I know I mean here. But I'm grasping at something. I suppose it's a case of doing something about, (talking about, making amends for) past "sins" (or maybe just actions that one attaches to), as opposed to somehow letting go of a historical identity. I exist only now, and I cut the link to who I was. But then again, there is no link, and nothing to cut! Go figure.

I saw spring flowers this morning, just starting to come out, and I am hopeful. Give me light, give me sun, give me warmth. Let me forget myself, and just be!

Here's wishing open eyes (except those who need sleep!) and kindness to all

Dickon

[Trauma Princess]

"Addiction is such a great mind-twister. Anyone reading this who has never tried to quit, think of the game Twister. You have one idea under another, and a third somewhere else, all mutually incompatible! All but all of them trying to explain why the best thing to do is use, or not to use."
(From Dickon's "screaming in the night air")

Just wanted to say congratulations for this analogy. Even your methadone withdrawl scattered brain was working pretty good to SWIMs mind! It has become SWIMs thematic concept of the day...SWIM'll let you know if its greatness is such it extends to a week! It well encompasses the exhaustion of listening to those voices battle it out all day long -each absolute in their resolution- that to use or not to use is 110% best move in next 5minutes. SWIM has enjoyed Dickon's journal and has so much respect for you doing it your own way and doing it hard. SWIM gets that. SWIMs glad you're back on times crossword fighting form-cryptic or concise out of interest?.

SWIM must confess sometimes those "use-dont use" voices deafen her so much that using becomes necessary just to end the debate. As at present SWIMs never put the using far enough behind to let the debaters run out of steam naturally and god forbid let the brain be preoccupied with something else for 90% of the time!

Good luck keeping on keeping on!

[Dickon]

I see this thread is dying a bit of a death, so I thought I'd give it a bump, and let people know a little what's going on for me right now.

Essentially, it's more of the same. I am starting to settle into something of a routine. I am doing a lot of Zazen, and reading a bit more about Zen. For the last 2 weeks I've sat in meditation daily for between half and two hours, with formal group sittings on Monday morning and Wednesday evening. This Wednesday I'm going to tap out the rhythm for the chanting at the end! I'm doing some piano exercises daily, and am going 5 rhythms dancing on Mondays. I've got college (a course about drugs!) on Fridays, and some Mondays, although that is coming to an end soon. Last Wednesday I started Tai Chi, another one of the great free services available where I live, and am hoping to make that a regular fixture. I am still getting my massages, and had two this week on Wednesday and Thusday: I've got Wednesday booked for next week and hope a Thursday slot becomes available.

So I'm chowing down on all the good stuff available like a starving man! My son turned two, and we organised a Pingu-themed party. I potter about on here and try and help out when I can. I've got to write a couple of essays on relapse prevention for next Friday, which I'll post on here. Of course, a certain amount of Dickon charm and wit will be missing, as I'll have to pretend at least to be serious!

I'm feeling good in the main. One very funny thing happened yesterday at college, where we were going to organise getting some flowers for the person in charge. I wass chosen as the "responsible one" to buy the flowers! Me responsible! How ironic is that.

I am in Bristol at the moment, with my father-in-law and uncle-(in-law). Tomorrow we see my aunt and uncle and my mother. and then Monday is Zen and dancing. It's great to get up and 6.15 on a Monday morning to do something positive! I used to hate Mondays not because I worked, but because I just picked up a vibe that day. Now Mondays are my favourite days.

Drugs are hardly on my mind except in an abstract sense, when I'm writing on here, or discussing them in college. I feel positive about the future, and am settling down for the longer term. I probably shouldn't mention this, as it's early days, but my wife is pregnant again, so any equilibrium will not last out until winter, God willing. From swearing to be a solitary I seem to have attracted a wife, a cat, a son, and there may be another on the way. Nature abhors a peaceful life for Dickon!!

But it's all good fun, and I have to thank Avid or Patient X for his "aspiring Zen master" by-line. It gave me a gentle nudge, and reminded me of something. It's so good to see Dick, Rocman and Avid all doing so well, as well as others walking the path!

Love and best wishes to everyone

Dickon