Journal - SWIM's story of heroin addiction and what SWIM wants to do now

[Mrs. Brownstone]

Hello everyone, This is my first post. I have been lurking for some time and have found this site very helpful for dealing with SWIM. SWIM confided thoughts and feelings relating to SWIM's addiction to heroin. It was a trying time for SWIM. SWIM has probably kicked 10 times but had used suboxone each time so it was not a big deal (probably why SWIM has repeatedly gone back). SWIM decided to get clean for the last time and had been two weeks opiate free and was concerned because SWIM was so depressed and tired and just not feeling right overall. SWIM found this site and realized it is a common part of withdrawal. Well, after two weeks clean, with a weekend slip up, SWIM is feeling back to normal but has decided to do the bad thing every few weeks or so. SWIM realizes this is not so smart, but SWIM has been doing drugs and drinking for exactly half of SWIM's life. The thing is, before heroin, SWIM was a heavy drinker. SWIM has done lots of research and has come to the conclusion that smoking heroin (the only way SWIM used) is a lot less damaging to the body than binge drinking. The fact of the matter is all other drugs have been ruined for SWIM. Even drinking is not as enjoyable anymore. SWIM wants to know if anyone who was a heavy user before was able to chip without getting back to daily use, and what other people's thoughts are on heroin being less damaging to the body than heavy drinking, cocaine, crack, meth, E, benzos, and any other drug that SWIM can get his/her hands on. SWIM is not ready to be completely sober. A sober day for SWIM is when he/she just smokes pot and nothing else. SWIM knows he/she will be an addict for life, and does not know how to feel about that. I guess SWIM just wants to hear about other people's experiences, thoughts, feelings on the subject.

[Dickon]

Stop fucking about and get off everything including alcohol. Trust me it's the only way that's got a cat in hell's chance of working. Anything else simply won't work, or is very unlikely to. Heroin is better for the body than alcohol, but it destroys the soul, or at least until the point you stop using it. I'm 25 days off everything (my worst vice is a cup of tea or coffee) and although I'm not feeling 100% yet (methadone takes a long time to withdrawal from[mods notice this in an abstract statement please, just in case you've got the infraction pens out]) I am not in serious w.d. anymore. I've tried the sort of thing you're on about after nearly 2 years of total abstinence but it didn't work. You'll be happier off everything, trust me!

Dickon

[chillinwill]

Red Rock has tried the chipping thing before after numerous attempts of getting clean and then deciding he could handle occasional use. Well the chipping didn't last more than a month before he was doing it several times a week if not daily. Once he started doing daily, his habit returned with a vengeance. SWIY best bet is to just get in their mind that there is a 99% chance that chipping won't work for them and might as well just stay clean unless they want their full habit back.

As for heroin being better on the body than alcohol, I think this is true; however, heroin is far more addictive and thus can create more negative consequences such as Hep C if someone was shooting up or HIV or whatever it be. If heroin were to become regulated and legal, maybe some of those negative consequences created by heroin would disappear.

[Mrs. Brownstone]

SWIM realizes SWIM would most likely be much happier if off of everything, but is not quite ready to do that. SWIM has come very far from a very large daily habit. SWIM seems to be upset because SWIM believes he/she wastes their day away dreaming about getting high so when SWIM promised himself/herself a party when the cravings get too bad, SWIM did not continue to obsess. SWIM has a problem of always wanting to poke the pleasure centers in the brain, whether it be from drugs/alcohol/food/exercise or whatever. Until SWIM can figure out how to handle this without getting on some kind of head drug from a head doc, SWIM knows SWIM is not ready to quit. SWIM does admire, however, SWIY's ability to be completely sober.

Mrs. Brownstone added 5 Minutes and 15 Seconds later...

SWIM wonders how people deal with the obsessing? SWIM thinks that is the worst part of withdrawal. SWIM has tried isolation only to become bored and get high. SWIM is being torn in two directions, one of wanting to be a normal member of society again and one who just wants to tune out and wrap back up in the warm, fuzzy blanket. Is this something that lasts for the rest of SWIM's life? SWIM really does wish that SWIM never got involved with heroin, it's the only drug that grabbed SWIM and won't let go.

Mrs. Brownstone added 0 Minutes and 18 Seconds later...

SWIM wonders how people deal with the obsessing? SWIM thinks that is the worst part of withdrawal. SWIM has tried isolation only to become bored and get high. SWIM is being torn in two directions, one of wanting to be a normal member of society again and one who just wants to tune out and wrap back up in the warm, fuzzy blanket. Is this something that lasts for the rest of SWIM's life? SWIM really does wish that SWIM never got involved with heroin, it's the only drug that grabbed SWIM and won't let go.

Mrs. Brownstone added 1 Minutes and 23 Seconds later...

Sorry, new to posting! Will get the hang of it shortly

[dyingtomorrow]

SWIM knows the only way he would want to live is knowing there is heroin in his future. The only way of reverting to a job and normal life SWIM can think of is to know he could have some heroin periodically.

SWIM likes Dickon but does not admire sobriety or abstinence

[Dickon]

I do not admire sobriety or abstinence either dyingtomorrow! It's just always been the state I've been happiest in in the long term as an empirical fact. Whenever I've tried to play the percentages I've always ended up getting it wrong. So it's a simple choice for me do I a) do something that I know makes me happy, fulfilled and cheerful, or b) try yet again to get what extra pleasure a little of this or of that might give me bearing in mind that's always led down the dark path before, and I'm really not happy at the prospect of a 48 y.o. or a 58 y.o. Dickon doing what I'm doing now. 38 is old for this kind of physical abuse (by which I mean going through the w.d.s not any drug use!). I'm sure in 25 years of drinking and taking things I've explored enough of this territory. Sure there are 1001 things I've not tried but would rectal Ketamine and mephedrone use with god-knows-what else injected in the eye-ball provide me with wisdom, perception or give me any long term gain? In a word no.

If you can actually honestly claim you feel happier in yourself doing a bit of this and a bit of that (and it's really going to be a bit of this and a bit of that [I know one man who did come off heroin via methadone, and he drinks and smokes dope. He drinks sometimes until he passes out and smokes dope all the time when he's not working. He's got a good job as a gardener and seems happy. But in his more sober moments he'll admit he'd like to get the drinking under control]) go ahead and do it!

Mrs Brownstone, you seem to me to have a lot more heroin using ahead of you. I think it's only when the drugs have really sucked you dry and spat you out that you'll ever want to stop using them. It makes no sense otherwise, they're too much fun [or does it?]. I just don't see the fun myself, but that's because I'm an old curmudgeonly git, with no sense of adventure, humour or fun. Seriously for a moment: it's time for me to grow up is God's honest truth. I have a wife and a small son, and I am glad that I shall be able to be emotionally available to him from here on in. I wasted 19 months, but I suppose learnt one more obvious lesson: having a child won't of itself make you stop using. I know a woman who's had her child taken from her because of opiates. Will she stop? I doubt it very much. Is this the sort of price you want to pay for a "bit of fun"? Either get on and do drugs, or come to a realization that if you want to stop it's unlikely you're going to be able to fuck about. It's just wasting everyone's time when people claim they want to stop but don't mean it, and aren't prepared to put any effort in. Yeah it would be good in theory but I'm not ready now. Oh I'm just not an NA type. Who gives a shit?

When I first quit, I'd have become a scientologist, mormon or raving-loony, I'd have worn a clown costume and farted in public, in fact I'd have done what you told me to if I believed doing it would keep me off the drugs. I was that commited but then again just shy of two years later when I felt great I thought I could do a little "chipping". Didn't work. So I've basically come back round again, over 10 years later, and don't feel very clever about it. Question : would it be sensible for me to try a "little chipping again"? I know my answer to that question. What do you think?

Dickon

[Mrs. Brownstone]

Originally Posted by dyingtomorrow

SWIM knows the only way he would want to live is knowing there is heroin in his future. The only way of reverting to a job and normal life SWIM can think of is to know he could have some heroin periodically.

SWIM likes Dickon but does not admire sobriety or abstinence

SWIM read this statement and told me that he/she was relieved to see that there is someone out there who feels the same way SWIM does. SWIM also said that he/she admires the ability to be sober after being a heroin addict because SWIM thinks that would be a very difficult thing to do. Although SWIM admires it, it's not for SWIM. SWIM thinks he/she was looking for someone who doesn't totally agree that sober is the only way. Maybe SWIM will be proved wrong in the future, but for now, this is what SWIM will do.

Mrs. Brownstone added 12 Minutes and 10 Seconds later...

Well I guess you would have to know SWIM's story to know where SWIM is coming from. To say that SWIM wastes people's time while trying to quit, however, is completely off-base. SWIM has always done this on SWIM's own. SWIM has never asked for help in quitting or getting funds for SWIM's D.O.C. SWIM also does not have any children, SWIM would not be continuing on this path if SWIM did. SWIM was just looking for thoughts, wisdom, or experiences with this subject, not so much lectures. SWIM does not go to NA because that would be hypocritical. Like SWIM said in original post, SWIM is not ready to be sober, realizes that, and would just like to hear other people's stories or experiences.

Mrs. Brownstone added 1 Minutes and 17 Seconds later...

Well I guess you would have to know SWIM's story to know where SWIM is coming from. To say that SWIM wastes people's time while trying to quit, however, is completely off-base. SWIM has always done this on SWIM's own. SWIM has never asked for help in quitting or getting funds for SWIM's D.O.C. SWIM also does not have any children, SWIM would not be continuing on this path if SWIM did. SWIM was just looking for thoughts, wisdom, or experiences with this subject, not so much lectures. SWIM does not go to NA because that would be hypocritical. Like SWIM said in original post, SWIM is not ready to be sober, realizes that, and would just like to hear other people's stories or experiences.

[Ilsa]

swim and swiy are in the same boat--just at opposite ends. some ppl can abstain and use occasionally (swim stays off opiates during the week and uses on weekends (120-180 mgs morphine per night). mondays are a bitch, but at least she's not dopesick

maybe swiy can cut back to that point, but swiy should be prepared (in the future, when swiy is ready) to be very honest with swiy's self about whether functional using is possible for swiy....hopefully so--balance and such, but if not, then there may be some emotional work that needs to be done to get past the need to 'tickle the pleasure centers' (swim likes that way of putting it). hope this helps.

namaste

Reputation Comments on this post:

very understanding thank you

[Mrs. Brownstone]

Originally Posted by ilsa

swim and swiy are in the same boat--just at opposite ends. some ppl can abstain and use occasionally (swim stays off opiates during the week and uses on weekends (120-180 mgs morphine per night). mondays are a bitch, but at least she's not dopesick

maybe swiy can cut back to that point, but swiy should be prepared (in the future, when swiy is ready) to be very honest with swiy's self about whether functional using is possible for swiy....hopefully so--balance and such, but if not, then there may be some emotional work that needs to be done to get past the need to 'tickle the pleasure centers' (swim likes that way of putting it). hope this helps.

namaste

OH cool I noticed you are southeastern US. I am southwest. We are about the same age too! It totally helps to be able to discuss Swim's problems with someone on my level. Anyway, swim felt really good today, went for a run and is really starting to feel normal and doesn't want to mess that up. The reasons swim started using on a daily basis was a deep emotional trauma, although the trauma has since passed, swim still has some deep-rooted feelings regarding this. Swim understands the need to work on that, and will start private counseling, although has been told numerous times swim cannot move forward in counseling if still doing drugs, even just on a once or twice a week basis. Swim is kind of torn about that, because swim understands this statement to be true. But swim also believes that being sober for most of the week as opposed to being high everyday, does allow swim time to deal with what needs to be dealt with. Swim does believe there is such thing as recreational use, swim had been doing it for years. Swim does ponder if there is such thing as recreational use of opiates for swim. Swim is still young, no children, nothing that would become terribly messed up if were to become addicted again, except for a healthy state of mind. Only time will tell for swim, swim guesses. Thanks for the response, very helpful.

[Ilsa]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Brownstone

OH cool I noticed you are southeastern US. I am southwest. We are about the same age too! It totally helps to be able to discuss Swim's problems with someone on my level. Anyway, swim felt really good today, went for a run and is really starting to feel normal and doesn't want to mess that up. The reasons swim started using on a daily basis was a deep emotional trauma, although the trauma has since passed, swim still has some deep-rooted feelings regarding this. Swim understands the need to work on that, and will start private counseling, although has been told numerous times swim cannot move forward in counseling if still doing drugs, even just on a once or twice a week basis. Swim is kind of torn about that, because swim understands this statement to be true. But swim also believes that being sober for most of the week as opposed to being high everyday, does allow swim time to deal with what needs to be dealt with. Swim does believe there is such thing as recreational use, swim had been doing it for years. Swim does ponder if there is such thing as recreational use of opiates for swim. Swim is still young, no children, nothing that would become terribly messed up if were to become addicted again, except for a healthy state of mind. Only time will tell for swim, swim guesses. Thanks for the response, very helpful.

swim can relate to deep emotional trauma as a catalyst for escalating drug use. swim went from shooting oxy a couple times a month to shooting iv coke and H (a lot, daily) within 6 months as a result of antidepressant withdrawal--swim takes responsibility for every day that she chose/chooses to use, but the level of use at that time was definitely related to the antidepressants. and a note about those: swim also has a couple of traumatic experiences that she thought required treatment with antidep's. swim like swiy, is also struggling with the issue of being in counseling to deal with the root issues (parents, a few very traumatic situations over the years, that sort of thing). swim lies. swim tells the counselor swim is not using (hates it but it seems to be the only way to talk about that stuff with a professional counselor.

swim also used recreationally for years--never had a problem with anything, maybe the occasional period of drinking too heavily. but that's it. swiy said something really similar and it's something that deserves attention: many ppl obviously are capable of using in a controlled, acceptable manner. then things go askew and they deal with the process of reigning it all in. sucks too. swim thinks that since now the boundary is known everyone can work their respective ways back to purely recreational use.

whew that was a lot


namaste

[Mrs. Brownstone]

Wow swim and swiy have a lot in common for sure! Swim has had multiple horrible traumas in her life, also pertaining to parents and family. Swim was afraid to go on antidepressants because of all the horrible things swim has heard. Swim has always been honest with her counselors, and for the most part it was a good thing. Swim too believes that swim can reclaim boundaries because swim cannot imagine a life without at this point. Maybe someday, but not now. Feel free to message me if you want to talk further. Take care!

[teddybearpicnics]

hi swiy, swim has been an addict for 4 years now, and has found that chipping always leads him back to the same road of a daily habit. unless you have the best will power in the world. being clean and sober for even 4 months straight, and then using some smack, will send you back. what happens is swiy wakes up the next day and obsesses about how high swiy got yesterday, swiy thinks ::wow my tolerance is down and i got fucking wrecked:: then swiy thinks ::man i wanna do that again:: then the cycle repeats and you wake up a week later sick again. swims best friend went to rehab, sober living, found god, and completly changed his life, was sober for a year, and then did one bag, and 2 months later ::yesterday:: bought 2 bundles and is high as a kite as we speak.

sooo...

swim's advice is to keep on the abstaining from smack part. swim just went a month clean, and 2 weeks ago messed up because swim lost his job, scored, and has been using up until today, when swims girlfriend got sent to rehab, blah blah ::read my posting today if you want the story:: when he took a suboxone to try and jump on board with her being clean. Swim agrees with your other post about the battle of obsessing. that is addiction. always wanting the high. swim hates it. it is such a tiring philosophy to always be pondering about how nice it would be to get high. Swim does notice though the the suboxone makes swim not care because he knows he will not get high for the next day. also swim notices that it makes his creative side come out and makes things that usually were just :there: like playing guitar, or writing, or anything swim used to like to do, feel gratifying. also swim notices that he realizes other than actually sticking the needle in his arm that the subs make him feel just the same as he would doing a bag, other than the actual rush. so take it for what it's worth to you. which i hope every junkie can realize, even myself. that it's going to be a lifelong battle, and until you are actually ready, dope will always be in your brain.

as for the other drugs, swim was never a drinker until he got clean the first time, then he realized that he loved drinking, because it was an easy replacement, instead of instant gratification, it was something swim had to work at. then he realized that drinking is just the same as dope. then he realized that he just likes to get fucked up. so as far as using any other drugs, swim thinks that as long as he is away from dope, that it's okay to use the other ones because it is locked in 100% that dope is his d.o.c. and that nothing else will really grab him like that. swim hopes he helped you, but is tired and cant type any more. goodnight fellow men and women. i love you, not swim, I.
.teddy