Journal - Advice needed-daughter getting addicted to cannabis

[hunny]

hi
i have a daughter getting addicted to cannabis and would really like some support and help on getting her to stop..at the moment she doesn't feel she has a problem with it..

we would of course like her finish school in may with her gcse's but at the moment she prefers to skip school.

drastic it might seem but have grounded her from going out and using her mobile, the school have put her on report so that she has to get it signed at every lesson..but to no avail is anything working


what would you suggest i do now as i'm at my wits end as to how to handle this situation.{she is not my only child she is #5 of 8 ages ranging from 21 - 14 months i'm also nearly 9 weeks pregnant)

we have asked her is she doing this coz of the other kids and she says it isn't..she says she wants to be in the gang..i'm quite sure its coz of the people she is hanging around with, but its getting her to stop seeing them

any suggetions would be of reat use

Reputation Comments on this post:

you'll be ok, you seem like a great mum

[RaverHippie]

Bluntly put, using any sort of restrictive action towards someone of that age will only encourage them to take out a stubborn streak and hang in there against it. I'd feel like the best way out of this situation is to understand why she does use it and why she enjoys it. I've never legitimately heard of someone being addicted to cannabis, nor experience a cannabis withdrawal to be honest. Or maybe some sort of compromise like, no smoking cannabis until all work is completed and teachers could send a report of all work that is to be completed that day just to circumvent any tendency for the daughter to lie about being done when more work is to be completed.

[cannabis-sam]

Swim remembers in his final year at school his friends dad went to amsterdam and brought back a fine selection of grasses and said to him if you pass 5 gsce's at C or above you can have the cannabis (at this point swims friend was failing and skiving) he managed to pass all gsce's and not skip anymore lessons, So in that case weed actually benifited his school existence.

Swim can not stress enough how understanding your why your kids do these things rather than telling her off which will not help, Swims parents always brought him up to respect drugs and be sensible with them including alcohol.

I'm glad you've come to drugs-forum where people give honest realistic advice about drugs. If you live in the real world you will realize your daughter smokes cannabis and is going to keep smoking it until she's ready to quit. Swim would agree with above post and say do home work go to class and you can smoke weed no work no pot. it's a much more fair and logical way of approaching it.

She probably feels like you're trying to control her life, and she's probably worked out that most of what she has been told about drugs are untrue and that you're the uptight old parent who's never used drugs so why should she listen to what you say? well you should learn the effects of cannabis know what you're talking about although going to the anti drugs sights where they will say a load of half truthes like leading to harder drugs etc. This is what makes kids disregard there parents view on drugs.

Swim feels the person who wrecks themselves up on drugs is the exception no the the rule.

Swim knows many people who have been smoking regularly for years and managed to achieve quite a lot.

Another thing you should remember is that getting stoned is probably a lot better than getting drunk like the majority of british teens do, it is less addictive than alcohol and gennerally doesn't cause the problems alcohol causes like violence, vandalism and most of all while under the influence of cannabis in swims experience people seem to make much more rational descisions than some one who is drunk.

Weed isn't addictive although you can develop a mental dependance on it but that said a mental dependance can be deveoped for nearly anything including computer games, eating, gambling, sex need I say more.

Also trying to stop her hanging out with her friends also isn't realistic the approach that you're taking at the moment will only put stress on you and your family (your daughter included) you have to respect she is nearly an adult and can make some of her own descisions on things.

[hunny]

Originally Posted by RaverHippie

Bluntly put, using any sort of restrictive action towards someone of that age will only encourage them to take out a stubborn streak and hang in there against it. I'd feel like the best way out of this situation is to understand why she does use it and why she enjoys it. I've never legitimately heard of someone being addicted to cannabis, nor experience a cannabis withdrawal to be honest. Or maybe some sort of compromise like, no smoking cannabis until all work is completed and teachers could send a report of all work that is to be completed that day just to circumvent any tendency for the daughter to lie about being done when more work is to be completed.

This would mean me agreeing to her smoking cannabis at the age of 16..and unfortunately i don't agree.

I am wanting for her to stop using, not continue only if she does school work...in the long run she could start using other recreational drugs instead if i allow cannabis

we are trying to understand why she is using, but she has no real answer for it other than "her friends do it and she likes the feeling"..

[cannabis-sam]

well it is that simple she likes the feeling, thats the point of drugs from alcohol to crack they make you feel good.

I'm not saying agree with her doing I'm saying live in the real world she is going to smoke it until she feels ready to stop and in swims experience if you accept it she'll quit a lot sooner than if you don't mainly because she'll feel if she quits you've one and will do it to spite you (it's very common)

If this was a case of drinking alcohol I'm sure it would be a different matter.

You will achieve a lot more towards your goal if you accept her cannabis use.

Try what I and raverhippie have said you can tell her you don't agree with it just try the compromise of letting her smoke cannabis once school work is completed she will achieve a lot more because she has an incentive to do school work and it means that she won't smoke as much.

I really do ask you not to take the "I'm banning you from cannabis and thats that" approach you will just alienate her. And cause more tension between you and your family accept it and you will be amazed how quickly the issues go away. the more you punish her the more she'll say "fuck you i'm doing it anyway"

I feel at sixteen you are an adult and I think shes at an age where shes taken a descision and however many punishments you dole out shes not going to change.

The most you will achieve from this approach is your daughter telling you shes quit then sneaking of to get high without your knowledge. ( or as with what happened to one of my friends it could drive her out the house which I'm sure you don't want)

Reputation Comments on this post:

good advice

[hunny]

im obviously in the wrong forum as i want to try and help my daughter, not for her to continue doing as she pleases

i understand that letting her "get her own way" would benefit her and everyone else that is using but until she is 18 she is under my wing and as a parent i am supposed to steer her in the right way to adulthood

as you said she is NEARLY an adult, but at the moment she is not..

honesty is good when its being directed to helping, but your suggestions to me as a parent are not going to help her stop using it will just give her what she wants "to continue regardless"

no wonder there are so many kids that carry on if all parents let them

thanks for the input but i think i am definitely in the wrong place for support

[cannabis-sam]

Well all I can say is we've given our best advice and you've ignored it good luck trying to get your daughter to quit it seems at futile as the war on drugs.

You want whats best for your daughter don't do what you're doing you are probably going to make her smoke a lot more doing it this way.

Anyways good luck with a bad approach I feel sorry for your daughter being punished for something she believes is her own right and not your descision to make for her.

Don't want to sound like I'm being nasty but I've have friends with parents who act like this and it only leads to tears and the kid carrying on smoking cannabis regardless so do what you like but try our approach and you might see a change in her school work/behaviour.

You can't help some one unless they want to help themseleves. I know you want the best for your daughter but this isn't best for her or anyone else

Reputation Comments on this post:

	truth hurts but it needs to be said even if they don't listen....they'll realize you were right...hope it isn't too litt...
	was very rude

[hunny]

Originally Posted by cannabis-sam

Well all I can say is we've given our best advice and you've ignored it good luck trying to get your daughter to quit it seems at futile as the war on drugs.

You want whats best for your daughter don't do what you're doing you are probably going to make her smoke a lot more doing it this way.

Anyways good luck with a bad approach I feel sorry for your daughter being punished for something she believes is her own right and not your descision to make for her.

Don't want to sound like I'm being nasty but I've have friends with parents who act like this and it only leads to tears and the kid carrying on smoking cannabis regardless so do what you like but try our approach and you might see a change in her school work/behaviour.

You can't help some one unless they want to help themseleves. I know you want the best for your daughter but this isn't best for her or anyone else

its not her right or a good decision at 16
and as for good advice forget it

as for me having a bad approach, dont feel sorry for my daughter she has a loving family that wants her get of the shit

she will get off it and i will let you know how we did it

thanks again

[Micklemouse]

It is a shame you feel that way Hunni, as I think part of the solution might well be seeing things from "the other side" as it were, & thus getting a greater understanding of the paths people have travelled, many of which may be similar to your daughter's.

I understand your concerns regarding using other drugs, & in the current climate it is a valid concern. However, there is no guarantee that your daughter will use other drugs, even if offered. One thing cannabis alone does not seem to do is lower one's ability to think for one's Self, or cloud judgement in the way that alcohol can.

It sounds like the cannabis use is itself a side effect of other issues she has going on at the moment, i.e. being a teenager who wants to belong & who has a heap of stress coming down on her head. Bear in mind also that many of the side effects of cannabis use (moodiness, apathy, lack of motivation, etc) can also be seen as side effects of being a teenager.

As for getting her to stop, that's a tough one. My personal experience is that bringing down restrictions can indeed cause resentment in later life, & could even have the opposite effect to that intended in the here & now. Remembr, like any other habit, she is going to have to want to stop, which may call for some serious balanced education, not the half-baked horror stories coming from Frank & his friends. That said, boundaries do need to be set, & rewards & praise given for the successes she makes. What other interests does she have? Is it possible to make the weekends special for her as an incentive to knuckle down during the week? Not easy I'm sure with a 14 month bairn, but your daughter needs positive attention right now. There is a good chance that she may be feeling pushed out by the little one, but does not want to say so to your face, or may not even fully realise it at present, & is seeking acceptance through her peers, who happen to smoke cannabis at times.

Keep talking to her. It sounds like there is a reasonable dialogue at present - it is vital to keep those channels of communication open. And please stick around, even if to do some reading up & to keep us posted.

Edit - wow, you take a few minutes to type a reasoned response, & the original poster gets alienated by a knee-jerk, unreasoned one. The above dialogue is not representative of this forum. I feel ashamed.

Reputation Comments on this post:

excellent, that's what needed to be said instead of 'don't you try to get her off weed'

[cannabis-sam]

I feel I have probably been a bit of dick in my last few posts, I apologise for that.

Although my views on the subject are unchanged you have to remember just turning twenty one I'm pretty close to those teenage years and the current teenager drug culture.

You have never taken drugs in your life so you couldn't understand.

It would be nice to see you stick around DF even if you want to read up on some sites not so liberal to drug use.

The yanks will claim that a lot of kids are in treatment in the US for cannabis addiction however this normally comes from picking rehab as opposed to prison (america has the largest arrest rate for cannabis possession in the world)

Please remember as stated you can't help anyone until they help themselves however hard you try in an ideal world no teenagers would use drugs however we don't live in a perfect world and you have to cope with things on a realistic level not an ideological level.

[hunny]

Thanks for your kind response

we are talking to her all the time and we do know she only does it coz her friends do, and she doesnt want to look a wally by saying no

she doesnt do at weekends and has told us that she likes the feel of it but she also said she doesnt like it when she is comming down off it..

it is peer pressure and i can only hope she gets her counselling and we get to some kind of placebo

[cannabis-sam]

Also at the beggining of swims experience with recreational drugs swims mother was much like you, this lead to a huge amount of resentment at first towards swims mother. However when swim did the research and presented it to his mother and explained pretty much what I have to you she came to respect swims choice and even smoked with swim a couple of times when he was older (although she hadn't smoked since the eighties).

The approach you're taking at the moment will cause the resentment like it has with many of swims friends.

Swim really doesn't want to see you hurt you or your family which swim feels you could well do.

[hunny]

Originally Posted by cannabis-sam

I feel I have probably been a bit of dick in my last few posts, I apologise for that.

Although my views on the subject are unchanged you have to remember just turning twenty one I'm pretty close to those teenage years and the current teenager drug culture.

You have never taken drugs in your life so you couldn't understand.

It would be nice to see you stick around DF even if you want to read up on some sites not so liberal to drug use.

The yanks will claim that a lot of kids are in treatment in the US for cannabis addiction however this normally comes from picking rehab as opposed to prison (america has the largest arrest rate for cannabis possession in the world)

Please remember as stated you can't help anyone until they help themselves however hard you try in an ideal world no teenagers would use drugs however we don't live in a perfect world and you have to cope with things on a realistic level not an ideological level.

apology accepted

i am only reaching out as i really am scared for her

i will stick around

thanks again

[cuddlesthefox]

Oh wow... here comes The worst person on this forum to give any advice but what the hell eh?
You are worried, she is not but she's a kid and kids don't worry about weed.
If it was me, I'd sit down with her and have a joint. If there's one thing kids hate it's to see their parents being cool.
You will probably have tried it already eh? If not, it is not a real bad drug and certainly my approach can only make your relationship a little less stressful.
Hey, it's your call. You are the boss.

[hunny]

lol not sure on the smoking with her but thanks again

[cannabis-sam]

Has she actually told you it's peer pressure.

Also there isn't really comedown assosciated with marijuana except in the morning swim finds after a heavy session that he feels a bit "cotton headed" although this could be from cannabis making swim sleep very deeply and earlier than normally (swim smokes everynight nowadays as swim is a hopeless insomniac and would rather have the natural feeling sleep cannabis brings than to be knocked out with addictive benzos)

If your daughter feels she has a problem with cannabis or she doesn't want to keep doing that is a different issue, Swim always found that peer pressure wasn't a big deal for anybody and often hung out with people who didn't smoke (whilst others where smoking) but everyones experience is different

[cannabis-sam]

Oh wow... here comes The worst person on this forum to give any advice but what the hell eh?
You are worried, she is not but she's a kid and kids don't worry about weed.
If it was me, I'd sit down with her and have a joint. If there's one thing kids hate it's to see their parents being cool.
You will probably have tried it already eh? If not, it is not a real bad drug and certainly my approach can only make your relationship a little less stressful.
Hey, it's your call. You are the boss.

Actually you are right about kids hating there parents trying to be cool, in holland where the drug laws are liberal most kids see cannabis as a boring things adults do and it's not a big deal.

[hunny]

yes peer pressure has been mentioned by her

she had other friends who didnt but was picked on the ones that do for not trying it to start off with

so now she hangs with the ones that do to stop being bullied

just be glad when she leaves school that they will not be around

[cannabis-sam]

She will probably end up like most kids who start smoking weed in their teens nearly all of them try it, quite a lot smoke regularly through there teenage and university years then it sort of just trails off for most at least becomes a lot more occasioanal.

If shes being bullied could that be more of the reason she skips school simply because shes unhappy not because she needs to have a smoke.

If shes pressured at school swim feels you should give her a break on the cannabis it's probably worth worrying about other things more than the dope.

Swim feels attitudes towards cannabis can be worse than the drug themselves.

[hunny]

Originally Posted by h3artshapedb0x

to whom this may concern my dog wrote this:

Ma'am please before you take any drastic action please read this When i was about 12-13 years old i started using drugs just cannabis and but my parents found out just like they did about everything and they decided they were going to take the same action your talking about just completely take everything away forbade me to see any of my friends everytime i hit that pipe i thought of how much i hated my mom and dad and how they thought they could control me and i was NOT going to let them win ma'am i was smoking crack by the age of 15 and i snuck out every night i took rides from people i dont know i stole from them ALOT just a whole fuck ton of shit im not proud of but i was 15 and kids think alot differntly if you dont remember..your daughter i can promise you without a fraction of any doubt in my mind will continue her cannabis use until SHE decides to quit thats just how kids are and no matter who she talks to who she hangs out with shes going to find someone somewhere who will give her a joint especially if shes 16 fuck tell her to come to me cannabis is the safest drug EVER hands down 0 people die each year because of cannabis use you think i like posting shit like this on the internet i just dont want your daughter doing the same fucking shit i did because it was fucking horrible and i could've died at any moment if you even pretend you kind of understand where shes coming from talk to her about pot tell her that you dont approve but you understand that shes a kid and kids do stupid shit sometimes but you still love her and care about her and thats why you dont want her smoking pot but if she still insists on doing it that you understand and to do it at home even in the backyard so that way shes not out all the time at strange places with people you dont know she'll be at home safe and sound where you can moniter her shit i suggest you take a hit of the shit with her if you ever feel up to it you sound like you need to relax a little or atleast just lay off the girl a little please thanks good luck with your problem and may peace be with you

sorry but to me i would be as bad as everyone else who take drugs..Also i am pregnant and dont think it would be a good idea
as for laying off my little girl, i dont think so..


hunny added 3 Minutes and 16 Seconds later...

thanks again for all your input

we will be talking to our daughter again about it so we will see how things go

yay her counselling letter has just in the post

and xmas is round the corner that she loves..

if i dont get to say it before

have a great xmas

[cannabis-sam]

good luck hope everything works out.

I do resent that you said "that would make me as bad as everyone else who uses drugs"

Swim thinks having a smoke with your daughter is no different to giving her a couple of glasses of wine with her meal to teach her to respect alcohol.

[Ilsa]

this is a tough situation for any parent--swim knows she went off the deep end at around 14, but didn't start smoking pot or anything else until swim was 17 or so...it had a lot to do with friends and even more to do with swim's thrill-seeking nature. swim won't elaborate too much, but her parents were less understanding by far and her family situation was very different and emotionally abusive at that time--she was ostracized and punished at the same time by her parents (her relationship with them is fine now that it's been 10 years and she's out of the house, and everyone has mellowed quite a bit)

this is just swim's experience, and it sounds like your situation is more positive, that you are willing to talk to your daughter and not be as judgemental/harsh as swim's parents were (swim made them look bad, which made them very angry)...swim would say to keep talking to your daughter, letting her know she is loved and accepted and that smoking pot does not define who she is in your eyes as her mother, even if you don't approve of her activities. i'd venture to say that as long as she doesn't feel ostracized/unloved and knows she has your unconditional love (if not approval, which is understandable), then she'll feel emotionally safe coming home and talking to you when she is really unsure about something. this makes all the difference in the long run...she may continue to do what she does for some time, but at least she won't be as likely to say 'screw it' and just leave like swim did (since swim felt she would never be accepted by her parents, she's had a lot more self-worth issues, and indeed they never have let her live down any of the stupid things she did as a teenager, despite academic acheivements of several types since then).

wow that was longer than i intended, but hopefully it helps to know that by talking openly and acceptingly with her you are keeping the lines of communication open and this will be a major factor is the direction she takes in the future. basically i think what i'm trying to get at here is that letting her know she is valued is all the difference in her long-term decisions. she'll be less likely to try more self-harming behaviors and substances. take care and best wishes with your daughter--and props for coming to a forum like this--you'll get more honesty from ppl who have been through it themselves here than anywhere else

Reputation Comments on this post:

	kind and well put.
	thanks for being so kind

[MrG]

Hunny, I am a father and, whilst I am entirely against prohibition for adults, I do believe that you are completely right about trying to get your daughter to quit smoking marijuana.

You need to re-address your perspective of the actual problem though. It is exactly the same as under-age drinking. Do not try and treat it any differently.

Whatever your personal views on all drugs, including alcohol, you cannot fix this by preaching the "drugs are bad m'kay?" philosophy. Your daughter, her friends and pretty much most informed thinkers, have already discovered that they are constantly lied to about drugs and the various harms and risks associated with recreational drug use. You will not be able to tell them that you know better, because you do not.

This is not a criticism of you. This is a simple fact.

In accepting that the problem *must* be treated *exactly* the same as for under-age drinking, then you have a good chance of getting her to see your point of view.

Whatever you do, do NOT talk to Frank. Frank talks crap.

Hang around here for a while, read up on Cannabis, just to put your mind at rest. She isn't likely to destroy her life in the next five minutes simply because she has had the odd joint.

FYI, smoking a joint makes you intoxicated, but in a different way to alcohol. There is no "comedown" and there is certainly little in the way of addiction. At most she might have a bit of a fuzzy head the next day, nothing close to the damage a night on the booze would give her. Asking her why she smokes weed is pointless, the answer will be exactly the same as why she may have already drunk alcohol. Why does anybody do any drug? Because it feels good, in different ways. There are harms and risks associated with *everything* in life, if people made the effort to actually learn about them, they could avoid silly mistakes.

Ask her if she is smoking weed or hash. If she is smoking hash it is probably something called soap-bar. If so, tell her to stop smoking it because soap-bar is actually mostly garbage with *some* cannabis in it.

In particular, if she has said it is hash, ask her if it has odd bits of what looks like clingfilm in it. That, you can tell her, is an example of some of the garbage that soap-bar is made with. Soap-bar is, on the whole, regarded as carcinogenic filth by anybody who knows about hash.

If she is smoking actual weed (plant material as opposed to a brown/black lump of hash), do explain that, whilst you are fully aware that the axe-murdering psycho on skunk is a manifestation of the media, particularly strong weed is not good for a developing mind.

Try and offer her a compromise, tell her that you are willing to view it the same as if she were drinking under-age and that you would not accept that either. Maybe offer her a bone along the same lines as one would for allowing a glass of wine or two at christmas to a teenager, by saying that you might be willing to turn a blind eye to the odd, holiday only, joint. But only if she gets back on track with her schooling.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Well said - a fellow parents advice is definitely what hunny needed here.
	thanks for being so kind
	Good balanced post
	well thought out balanced advice dispelling myths

[hunny]

thanks for your really kind and honest answer ilsa

i'm very greatful for all your input..

i will keep you updated on this situation as i'm sure we will get though this and come out the other end smiling


mrG thank you too for the good advice.. Who is FRANK? is it the information booklet on the different types of drugs.

she smokes skunk..and she does want to stop using, but she is finding keeping away from the so called friends

but we will work on that and i'm just glad i still can talk to her about this..so we havn't gone down the resentment route thank god


thanks again

[fiveleggedrat]

Dear OP:

Swim acted much like the daughter in question when he was in his lat year of school. He skipped school, had every possible punishment on him, and he still didn't care. He was started skipping school around November/December of his senior year. He ended up failing a course or two, but was luckily still able to graduate. Swim also had struggled with school in general since elementary school. Skipping was facilitated by kids with cars who would drive Swim off campus and/or pick him up from school.

Swim also consumed zero drugs at said time. Not even alcohol.

Swim started smoking about two years later, at age 19.

What is the problem cannabis is causing? The person described in the original post sounds much like the average teenager, IMHO.

Swim was brought up on the "dangers of drugs", especially weed. So what did he do?

Drink cough syrup, then progress to amphetamine, then cocaine, then benzos, then prescription pain pills, then heroin, and lastly, pot. How's that for reverse gateway theory Swim is currently a moderate-heavy pot smoker, with occasional use of other drugs, and has no current addictions (besides wanting pot all day, haha.), nor has he had any.

Oh, and lastly, I do agree drugs are really 18+ material. A child/teen has PLENTY of chaos in their lives without drugs. Adding drugs is the past to destruction for most IMO.

I would try to convince her to wait until late 17, at least 18 before smoking pot. Haha, maybe telling her other teens who are deep in drugs suggest waiting would help?

And Swim is 19 for reference.