Effects - Why does this work for me?

[hensley258]

Hello all.

I am new to the forum and have some serious questions to ask about Opiates in relation to my 17 year battle with Severe treatment resistant depressive dissorder.

I will try to make this as short as possible.

I have never taken any (non-perscription drugs) in my entire life. When I was 23 years old (now 39) I started suffering from Very severe Depression. It was so bad that I was put in the hospital for a suicide attempt. At the time I honestly thought I was going insane. My mind was paralized by severe anxiety and depression that made my head, body and mind feel heavy. It got so bad that thoughts of my death actually made me feel warm and safe.

Fast foward.... I was diagnosed by a Psychiatrist as suffering from what is called (Severe non-situational uni-polar depression and Anaxiey dissorder)
I was put on an antidepressant and in about 8 weeks I felt "normal" again. Not high or spacy, just normal. Kind of like it adjusted the chemical imbalance in my brain.

Foward 5 years: The medication started failing and my Psychiatrist put me on a different antidepressant. In several weeks I responded and felt normal again. Like I did before I was diagnised with this condition.

Foward 4 more years: Now that medication pooped out on me even at high dosgaes and I was put on an additional medication for severe depression. It got me back in a remissive state and I was functional again.

Anyway, here I am 17 years later and now even the most powerful Antidepressants such as Tri-cyclic and tetra-cyclic meds are only giving me partial relief from my Severe Depressive condition. I feel like shit almost all the time. I want to put a gun to my head everyday, as my mind and body tremble with the swurling tempist that only Severe depression can do.

Stay with me here (I'm getting to the Opiate part)
A couple weeks ago a friend gave me a couple Vicodine because my back was hurting after helping him move. (never taken any opiate in my life)

They were very low dosage. I only took half the tablet one day, and then another half tablet the next day for pain.

OMG! What happened! The second day on this tiny dosage of Vicodine the symptoms of my depression completly vaporized! I didn't feel high, stoned or spacy. It just made me feel normal like I did many years prior to being diagnosed with severe depression.

The effects only lasted a couple days, but wow! I actually felt normal.
(When you suffer from depression at my advanced level, normal is a hard thing to feel again)

I talked to another person on my depression forum that is using Suboxone for his Severe Treatment resistant depression and he said it saved his life. he is living again. Not high, not stoned, just normal. he, like me was never an opiate user and is not taking it for addiction reasons. He takes it in very small dosages for his severe depression.

What can I do? Even the most powerful MAOI antidepressant meds are not offering me much relief from my condition, yet there seems to be something to Opiates that is very therputic in terms of treating my Severe cronic depression.

I can't ask my doctor to try Suboxone for my treatment. He will think I'm trying to get high or something. Trust me, that's not the case. It's just that for some unknown reason very low dosages of opiates correct my 17 year battle with depression.

Yes, I know it's not a cure and it can be addictive, but shit so is all the antidepressant poison that my Psychiartist feeds me just to keep me fuctional!

Bottom line is that for some unknown reason when I tried just that tiny bit of Opiate it really made me feel normal. Like my brain said, "That is the key."

I've never touched opiates or any illigal drug in my life, but damn it this stuff works to put my symptoms of constant doom and dread in a remissive state. It works like Antidepressants used to work for me many years ago. Just makes me feel normal, focused, and adjusted like a normal person feels everyday.

It's bad people. My Depression has gotton so bad that my Psychiatrist is now trying to suggest ECT! You know, Where they use electrodes to induce a Grand maul sesure to eliviate the refractory depression.

I am very close to suicide because my depression has gotton so bad. I am even at the point of activly planing my suicide.

My condition is getting worse and soon I will kill myself because my condition compells me to end the suffering.

Yet there is an opiate that offers me life that really works.
I don't have an addictive personality. Do you think a mild Opiate could save my life and give me back my functionality?

Why does this stuff work so well as an antidepressant, when my antidepressant meds hardly do shit to help?

How can I find a doctor that understands this is life and death for me? My situation is drastic and my time is limited without the normalcy that I know the correct opiate can provide.

Again, this is not to get high. It just takes away the torment of my severe depression and anxiety.

Do I have to become a criminal and buy the drug illigally? I don't care! My condition is a death sentence anyway.

Please give your thoughts and experienced advice. I know this is not a depression forum and I know my condition of Severe depression may sound petty, but trust me it is very grave and no doubt it will end my life soon if I can't find relief from it.

Just trust me when I say to you that this level of depression is so intense that most people would just blow their brains out if they could feel it's rath like I do everyday.