Approaching detox

[Dark Angel]

I'm sorry my first post is so long....

SWIM had used amp recreationally for 10 years suffering barely a come down in the process. She counted herself lucky and enjoyed her lifestyle. Some months she would use every weekend, others not at all.

That all changed when a broken-hearted SWIM followed her best friend's advice and put on a corset, hotpants and a smile before heading out in May. She returned home with possibly the most beautiful girl she has ever clapped eyes on. When the girl said she jacked amp, SWIM asked to try. She's always liked to break taboos and what could be safer than with a one night stand? SWIM would never see her again, she would never have a problem.

In true lesbian-cliche fashion, the one night stand moved in to SWIMs flat the following morning. The needles were left for the weekend though - SWIMS....friend....wasn't an addict. She did, however, have a list of mental health diagnoses as long as the DSM - and frankly, SWIM found that attractive.

The one-night-stand lacked the insight of the 8 year older SWIM though and could not handle her speed as well. Her determination to kill herself once lead SWIM to risk MSRA by shooting up in the toilet of a casualty ward following her partner taking a cocktail of downers after a 5 day speed binge.

SWIM knew that her partner was more afraid of being sectioned than anything else in the world - and seeing it as a likely possibility - and knowing her partner was terrified of abandonment, made sure she was there for her other half once she was brought out of the artificial coma the medics had placed her under. SWIM was at her wits end having dealt with two other suicide attempts in the previous 3 weeks, she would never wish sectioning upon anyone but at the same time desperately needed a break.

Once conscious, SWIM's partner was very honest about her mental state and previous recent attempts on her life with the psychiatrist who assessed her. He decided that after 3 (serious) attempts in 3 weeks, the best course of action was to discharge her back to SWIM's!

SWIM was wracked with guilt when she used a particularly nasty attack on her as an excuse to organize new accommodation for the long-one-night-stand. However, she could no longer juggle a precarious but full time job with a full time role as a carer.

SWIM promised herself and her friends - none of whom would dream of needles - and all of whom were very concerned about the nature of her relationship with the one night stand, that she would stop poking immediately. She broke the promise only once in the first 2.5 months and was so guilt ridden after the fact that she honestly believed it would be the last time.

SWIM is a freelancer in show-business. This, as every summer, she worked for 6 weeks without a day off. She stuck to her guns until 10 days before the end when she was so exhausted, she found herself in a chemist asking for a bag of works. She poked herself and went to work feeling better.

By the end of the festival, SWIM felt like a dirty, lonely junkie, shooting up in public toilets and with no one to turn to. She promised herself that the moment she thromalised a vein - as she had seen her ex do on more than one occasion, she would quit.

SWIM returned to her parents following the festival and promised herself she would straighten herself out but the incessant demands of her mother led her to the chemist again.

SWIM decided that the best option would be a holiday. She opted for Sri Lanka thanks to a combination of tropical sunshine, buddhist spirituality and draconian drug laws. She poked herself before picking up her suitcase.

SWIM found Sri Lanka to be most unwelcoming of lone female travellers. She tried moving to a different area but failed due to the unwelcome stray hands of several men on public transport. She decided to blow her savings on a flight to Thailand where she spent 10 glorious days lying on beautiful beaches getting tanned and drinking mojitos. She hadn't thought of poking since leaving Sri Lanka.

The holiday came to an end and SWIM shed a tear walking through passport control. She fell in love with Thailand the previous November and before leaving, was planning her next trip. She would fly to Colombo before catching another flight the following morning. SWIM pinched the blanket off the plane so she could have something to wrap herself in whilst she slept in the airport.

Alas, SWIM was approached by 3 men wearing camo and carrying AK47s who explained to her that sleeping in the airport was unsafe (!) and directed her to the Tourist Office who took her to a "Guest House" about 3 miles from the airport and about a mile down a dirt road. She was woken and asked to leave at 6.30 am.

SWIM packed her bags and walked down the dirt road to find a bus to the airport. Shortly before reaching the road, she was approached my a tuk-tuk driver who agreed to take her there. He moved his tuk-tuk into a layby and loaded SWIMs bags before throwing her on top of her suitcase and raping her. SWIM squirmed and fought to get him off her. Her head rolled back and she saw two boys, dressed in uniform, carrying AK47s and sharing a bottle of whisky. She called for help and they laughed and exchanged the bottle. She stopped fighting fearing what might come of the boys with the AKs but continued to squirm and make her attacker's life difficult - to little success. SWIM looks forward to her appointment with specialists on Thursday and is deeply pissed off with science that it cannot test for HIV until Christmas.

SWIM eventually made the airport and thankfully was well stocked with valium. She is very grateful to the air-hostesses who broke the rules and allowed her some privacy in the crew area when it all got too much. 14 hours later SWIM arrived home. She cried, took more valium and slept fitfully.

SWIM realised the following day that she had financially ruined herself with the unscheduled trip to Thailand - justified only by her experience on returning to Sri Lanka. To add further wrongness to it, SWIM realised that due to her predominant sexuality, her virginity - at least in medical terms, had been stolen. SWIM found herself unemployed, skint and forced to live back with her parents. She shot up.

SWIM confided in her closest friend what had happened and admitted to poking again. She said that she was worried - but also from her own experience that rape screws you up - and in the first few days, virtually any coping mechanism should be considered understandable. This girl, who SWIM considers to be somewhere between a twin sister (they look and act almost identically and can communicate without speaking) and a mother (she gave SWIM the self-belief she needed to make the most of her life) has not answered or returned SWIMs calls since. SWIM feels like she is missing a limb and is ashamed that she may have pushed away person who loves her more than anyone else with her reckless behaviour.

That was three and a half weeks ago. SWIM used to use amp to stay up all night partying. Now, she shoots up at 10 am just so that she gets though the day. She often goes to bed before midnight. SWIM has not been using every day recently - it has been sporadic but at least twice weekly and sometimes on consecutive days. This is the first time she's been up all night since August.

SWIM has wished she had enough stash to use every day. When she does not use it, she is listless, sleepy and unable to concentrate or find pleasure in anything. SWIM only has one hit left and is now two phonecalls and a long drive away from more. She considers this a good opportunity to kick it but will also admit she has not spent so long looking at chemical diagrams since she took A levels.

SWIM is also terrified at how she is going to cope without what has become a central mechanism to her dealing with everyday life.

In April SWIM sought advice from her doctor, complaining of lethargy and depression that have not been significant factors in her life for many years now. She hadn't used speed since January at the time.

SWIMs doctor informed her that her prolactin levels had been increasing over the past two years and that they were a likely cause. SWIM has been asking for referral to an endocrinologist for a year but again her doc refused. She asked for some medication to help with the symptoms and was prescribed some anti-depressants. She tossed them in the bin. Her previous experience with them is that they cause lethargy which leads to frustration and depression. She also recalls having horrible relapses she suffered when coming off them after 7 years or more.

SWIM suspects that her return to needles in August was partially driven by her increased prolactin levels which lead to a decrease in seratonin levels - something speed conveniently counteracts.

SWIM is in two minds, she accepts that presently she is dependent upon IV delivered street speed. She is also gravely concerned about how life might be without it-especially given her medical predisposition and recent events; SWIM is deeply unhappy at the moment and prone to very scary thoughts whenever she closes her eyes. It is for this reason that she would like to keep busy - something she suspects will be very hard when she stops using.

SWIM is considering asking for a prescription for dexadrine as a possible medium-long term solution - however, her GP is unaware of her current use and she would very much like to keep it that way. She might have a way around this as on Thursday she is being seen by a rape crisis centre in London. In addition to a physical check up, they have organised appointments with a health worker and a psychologist and she has informed them of her usage; they operate a service that is genuinely confidential given the usual provisos (risk to self or others). It might well be that they can write a letter to a GP. Given the underlying medical condition, it is possible that there is legitimate grounds for prescription beyond harm reduction.

SWIM thinks that such a prescription is a long shot - and deep down questions whether it is what she wants or merely a cheap fix. She has read here and elsewhere of many users struggling with the effects of dependance for months, even years. SWIM worries she will survive such a long recovery simultaneous to getting over the rape and wonders if perhaps therefore, the cheap fix is a good option to delay one recovery until she has managed the other one. However, question SWIM keeps asking herself is can she stop herself from stripping the gak and injecting the pill? She thinks so but accepts her usage has weakened both her will and her sense of shame.

SWIM feels she should be trying to progress her (hopefully temporarily) nonexistent career but presently even jacked up finds job applications daunting to the point of tears. She has managed to make a few whilst up - but despite her best efforts, has failed to complete even one when not. This is a really big deal to SWIM who enjoys and takes pride in her work. She considers her current state of unemployment partially responsible for her bad mental state and increased dependance on drugs and considers her bad mental state to be wholly responsible for her unemployment.

Finally, SWIM thanks you for taking the time to read the most SWIMdulgent thing she has ever posted publicly.

Reputation Comments on this post:

	Great post! Good read, thanks for sharing.
	heartfelt post.